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The twentieth century has been the most vile and baneful age of humanity to date. But why? Because our understanding of technology has far outstripped our own species' maturity?
Because of a much more open civilisation in which moral taboos are ridiculed? Actually, no. Dedicated researchers have now finally proved it is, in fact, because of television. Not in the age-old, TV-violence-ruined-our-family sense mind you - we now at last have irrefutable evidence that television is actually evil.
Genesis
It is commonly believed that the original television concept spawned from the iconograph designed by Russian-born American physicist Vladimir Kosma Zworykin in 1923. At least according to Encarta 95, which received its information from Russian-born American physicist Vladimir Kosma Zworykin. However, the truth is that the television was contrived in 1923 by the Satanic Bishop of Elephant and Castle "Screechy" Harrington, to stop people going to church on Sunday. And it worked too. According to design plans unearthed in a public lavatory in Droitwich, the box-shaped device was intended to relay images that entranced the general public whilst it stole their soul, processing it through the various tubes inside and feeding it to the Devil, thus acting as an idol of Satanic worship.
Fortunately this was spotted by a media-related deacon of the Catholic church who instantly declared television "the work of the Devil" in his Times ecclesiastical column Godness Me. Sadly this was a phrase commonly used by the church to describe anything they weren't making a direct profit from and so they were ignored, as usual. A similar incident had arisen several years before when the church tried to prevent the public from buying cheese, which, incidentally, is also totally evil.
Tedious
In the 1930's television became accessible to the general public. Now anybody could have one of these delightful gizmos in their own home. Observing the danger to mankind, an underground brotherhood of monks, known as the Enlightened Brethen of Floor Managers, infiltrated television stations everywhere and managed to reduce the malign influence of TV by making the broadcasts unbelievably twee and uninteresting. Friar Thou-Shalt-Not-Misplace-Props, a member of the Brethen before they disbanded in the Seventies and became bus conductors and crotchety war veterans, told us of their struggle to beat back the tide of turpitude: "It was surprisingly dull, actually."
The Friar, now known as Steve, was able to lead researchers to the only remaining copy of the fraternity's Chronicle, faithfully kept by Abbot Do-What-I-Tell-You-To for thirty-four years. It relates the incredible history of the Brethen as they endeavoured to turn even the most exciting topic into two moustachioed men boring everyone to death. "Above all, the hope was that people would be discouraged from watching such pants altogether," confides Steve, but no, apparently they liked it.
Flagitious
Right through until the end of the fifties the two theological powers remained in deadlock. Neither side was able to bring the power of television over to their cause, meanwhile television stations continued to broadcast programmes so proper and inoffensive it was a wonder people watched at all. Where, then, the researches mused, did it all go wrong? How did TV become the mind-pollutant we know and love? This question can be answered in one word: colour.
With the advent of colour television several things happened at once. TV producers went all silly, especially the Americans, and started producing dippy programmes where the men had their shirts open and wore lots of medallions and the women hardly wore anything at all. This in turn had a knock-on effect on the young generation, whose hairstyles and taste in clothing were seriously affected. The Hippy revolution had begun.
Under its seemingly innocuous and peaceful demeanour, the Flower Power revelation had a dark side. Ex-hippy Anastasia Moonchild informs us: "Well, first of all we'd hand out flowers to people, and say 'peace' and 'love' and other nice words, then we'd start smoking this, like, stuff, and then we'd put pink balaclavas on and go around forcing people to listen to the Sergeant Pepper album backwards. It was pretty horrific."
Crypto-Fascist
The Hippy brigade also had a larger, more sinister and political effect. To counter this 'decadent sloth of a generation', as described by haughty news-readers of the sixties, television also produced the cold, stark realism of the Thatcherites. Although few people realise it Margaret Thatcher, the woman who encouraged the youth of Britain to shape up and start thinking like executive self-centred bastards, attributes her ambition to "the voices in my television when I was a gel".
Apart from the general decline of society since the thirties, television has also been responsible for a reduction in the believers of Christianity. This has been cleverly achieved by Sunday morning religious programmes.
"Its an ingenious method," admits local vicar who shall remain nameless to prevent the authorities from finding him, "these so-called religious programmes are so naff that they really put people off being a Christian." Worse still is America. Apart from thousands of cable channels pumping mind-rotting effluence into their homes 24 hours a day, they have evangelical shows which end up converting people to a pagan religion. "You look at them and think, this is all a load of crap, isn't it?" remarks Mike Rhodes, former Catholic, now Hedonist. Some American churches have responded by breaking into people's homes and stealing their TV sets to burn them, causing bad rep. for the church and first degree burns.
Fortean
Television has also been linked with several strange occurrences. The Loch Ness monster's first sighting on 14 April 1933 is said to coincide with the first experimental TV broadcast. A shooting star was supposed to pass over the BBC when they opened their television studios. Birds have been known to die whilst sitting on TV aerials; in fact, claim some experts, television may have evolved from its origins as an alter and become a manifestation of the Dark One himself.
"They say the Devil stalks the streets," remarks occultist Sid Worthless, "I disagree. I think he's on Channel 4." Curiously enough, when you turn to satellite channel 666 in America you get a Satanic gameshow called "The Devil You Know" and old "Neighbours" reruns.
So the television is the ultimate icon of evil in the latter twentieth century, with America the epitome of TV-based corruption. With this in mind there can be only one way to salvage mankind - get rid of television and destroy America. In these interesting times however, that seems unlikely.
Dystopian Society would like to reveal some information that has come to light since this article was written. The opening sequence of EastEnders is a composite of 666 pictures, so there's proof that watching soaps not only rots your mind but your soul as well.
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