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Decimalisation, a buzz-word of yesteryear, still brings to mind sharp currency devaluation and your Grandad whining about the pathetic 'Frogs'. However, today's younger generation will soon associate it with the death of time as we know it.
'Time based on astronomy is so last millennium. We should try to modernise, and decimalising time is a great way of doing it. And we've all started listening to the Spice Girls too', said Stephen Hawking last night, or at least I think that's what he said. He was a bit drunk, and he's not easy to understand at the best of times.
Germination
The idea began, as all the best do, in a small bar in Oxford. Three of the country's top chronological specialists were celebrating the New Year; 1994, with their annual pint. They were Julian Chulmney-Smyth, 56, (Top Fag, Eton, 1957-59), Adrian Holmes, 41, (Nobel Prize for Nasal Hair Cultivation 1963) and 'Chunky' Dirk, 23, (Alabama World Pie Eating Contest 3rd Place 1987).
As the evening went on, and the alcohol took effect, the magnificent three began suggesting new initiatives they could bring in during the coming year. At about ten o'clock 'Chunky' Dirk blurted out the key point, 'Why, er, is time, right, sort of... er... in stupid blocks and not in tens like other stuff. Like money.'
Blossoming
A week later, after the hangovers had gone, the three began drawing up plans on how decimal time could actually work. Essentially the entire system of recording time had to be overhauled, with a new zero ("Who cares if it was the birth of some guy with a beard? This is time, God dammit, it's bigger than all of us!"), a new set of base units to replace seconds, minutes and hours ("First you have to have consistency, after that everything else falls into place. Examples? Er... give me a minute") and pitch to sell it to the big guys in Greenwich ("It's, like, cool. And if you don't do it... you'll all die. Yeah, you will all die").
Full-on Flowers
In 1998 the proposal finally went through the Board of Chronos, a semi-elected board of 'Time Lords', and entered the House of Commons as the Decimal Time Act. Although the Tory opposition said they would try and block the passage through the House the Bill still passed after a cunning ruse by Labour Whips; they spread a rumour that a journalist was interested in writing about the rise of the New Tories and would be interviewing MPs at the time of the vote. The Lords were no trouble as the majority have been out to lunch since the Sixties.
Reproduction
The new time scale will run concurrently with 'classic' time for the next four (old) years, during which the old system will be gradually phased out. Crucially for the ambitious plans is the EU vote next month when MEPs will vote on whether to introduce the plans for the whole of Europe. If the motion fails it could spell disaster for the bold new plans as the date difference between Britain and the rest of Europe could be too much of a barrier and cause a breakdown in progress and a subsequent reversal to the current system of time measurement. ChronoEngineers at Greenwich are fully aware of this problem, "We know it lives or dies on the Europe vote, that's why we've gone all out on the propaganda front. We produced this leaflet about time and stuff, which we gave out to some people walking down by the Thames. We're confident."
Game Over
As the voting day draws closer the pressure will rise even more for the intrepid ChronoEngineers at Greenwich, but whether we step into a bold world of ten hour days, or stay stuck in 5000 year old rut, I'm sure of one thing: I never want to get up at three in the morning, no matter what.
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