I am Romulus. I am very proud of my tail. It is very long and foofy. Momma says she wishes she also had a long, foofy tail to keep her nose warm. You cannot see my magnificent tail in this picture.
My brother Remus and I moved in with Momma and Daddy two years ago, in October 1995. We were three months old then, and we conspired with Daddy to convince Momma to take us home. We are very adorable, and we did our best to look as cute as we could so that Momma would love us. We made sure to tell her our names while Daddy did the paperwork at the shelter so that we could come to our new home.
We were very proud of ourselves when we learned to climb up and down the ladder to the loft in our new apartment. We decided that we loved Momma very much, and that Daddy was pretty neat too, so we let them live with us.
Right now Momma has devised a great game for me to play. There is a little basket on Daddy's dresser full of all kinds of cool toys. I take them out to play with them, and then Momma puts them back so I can play some more. She keeps telling me that Daddy's hair ties are not toys, but I know better.
Now Momma and Daddy tell me they are bringing us a new baby brother. His name is Archimedes. Remus and I have decided we don't need a new brother, and we are being on our best behavior in the hopes that they will realize how unnecessary this is. Daddy says that Archimedes is very sad and cold and lonely and that we have to be nice to him. We'll see about that.
Sometimes some little humans come over to play with Momma. The littlest human is sort of okay because he doesn't move very fast, but sometimes he makes very loud noises. Remus and I hide when he does this. I have deigned to let him touch my magnificent tail. He did not pull it, so I will tolerate his existence. The other little human is also very loud, but he moves faster than Momma does. He chases us and makes more loud noises. Momma seems to be upset if we defend ourselves. Fortunately, the little human is not very tall, so we get into high places where he cannot reach us and he goes away.
Sometimes lots of humans come over at once. This is good because sometimes someone will drop some food. Sometimes it even means there is pizza. Other humans have interesting smells, but sometimes they go out on the porch and make the stinky air with little white sticks. We do not like the stinky air. Other humans coming over also sometimes means that the front door is opened long enough for us to go out it. This is good because then Momma plays a very fun game with us chasing us up and down the stairs outside the apartment. We win when Momma catches us and kisses us because we look so cute. This is winning because it means we did not get in trouble even though it is not allowed to go out the front door. If Daddy catches us, we lose. Daddy does not think we are cute when we are in the hall.
Once in a while there are mousies that come into the kitchen. Remus and I take turns catching them with our Paws of Death. There are not enough mousies, though, so sometimes Momma helps us practice Paws of Death. Momma is very slow and sometimes she does not get out of the way fast enough. Then she makes loud noises and says the "NO" word. We do not care for the "NO" word, because it does not mean we get treats.
Momma brought us a new brother. His name is Archimedes, and he's not so tough. I think he's pretty neat. He does not have a foofy tail like mine, but his stripes are the right colors. I am teaching him all the tricks I know. I am teaching him to be a mighty hunter. He is very little, though, so sometimes I let him win when we wrestle so that he will know how it feels to be a badass like me.
Daddy says Archimedes is very cute, but not as cute as me. I think Daddy is right. Momma says she thinks I am a wonderful big brother and that I take very good care of Archimedes. Remus is not interested in Archimedes very much at all. That is okay because Archimedes hides a lot unless Momma is the only human around. He has not figured out that strange humans mean treats.
The little humans came to see us. Archimedes did not have to be taught that little humans are bad news. We ran, and Archimedes hid.
Archimedes is still around. He is very good at learning tricks. He has learned that we have to wait inside the door when Momma comes home so she will think we have been there all day. This is so Momma will feel guilty and stop going to work and stay home with us every day. We like it when Momma stays home.
Give her lots of treats. I recommend Pounce tartar control treats. Momma gives us two or three a day. I think we should get lots more. Remus recommends peanut butter. Archimedes thinks everything is equally good.
Make sure to rub her under the chin as often as possible.
Give her lots of catnip and catnip toys. The ones Momma makes are better than the ones that come from the store. Make sure the toys have bells in them.
Buy her a feather duster to play with.
Give her the best seat in the house. Do not allow your guests to disturb her nap simply because they want her chair. Let them sit on the floor.
Never close the door so she can't come in. Momma says it would be nice to have privacy in the potty room, but we think that is ridiculous.
Quit your job/school so you can stay home with her 24 hours a day. We are trying to convince Momma to do this.
Let her go out onto the porch (if you don't have a porch, build one right away) for fresh air whenever she wants, even if it is 20 degrees F and raining.
Do not let people make the stinky air with the white sticks in the house.
Bathe only once a week so your smell will be stronger. Kitties like to be able to smell you. Soap is cool, but not as cool as Momma.
Recognize that all of your belongings are actually cat toys, and praise her when she breaks the one-of-a-kind goblet you recieved as an anniversary gift.
Allow her to go anywhere she wants, even the kitchen counters.
Let her eat from your plate at meals.
If you want any more instructions on how to treat your kitty companion, I am always available. Provided you give ample praise to my magnificent tail, I will deign to help you. Remus will help too. Archimedes is still to flighty to carry on a conversation, you'll have to wait until he's older.