progress4

Progress of Another Pilgrim

April 14, 1978 The Seeker What an awesome responsibility, to be a vessel of the Lord—to bear His image, His power, His life! If I misrepresent Him, if I mix my thoughts, my words, my deeds with His, what a travesty of His character! It must not be! If the vessel remains stopped up, the force of Life within will explode it. If the vessel tips at the wrong time, in the wrong place, or in the wrong way, misdirecting the power, the potential for destruction is great. How important that He waken my ear morning by morning, that I may hear as the learned and develop the tongue of the learned to speak a word in season to him that is weary. My fear is no longer the fear of doing what seems so difficult and impossible, but rather, fear of stepping outside of the safety of His will. And yet, my very problem is that the former fear yet remains, and my trust is not yet great enough to overcome the latter fear. Surely He has paved the way. As I follow in His footsteps, He becomes my Way. What time I am afraid, I will trust in Him. B. April 23, 1978 The Seeker: Lord I am so slow to understand. And how my whole natural man rebels against the very principles of Life, against all You hold dear. I must see this death as you see it, as the very seed of Life. Even in this moment the conformity to your death seems so hard, but in the midst of conflict between Your will and mine, it seems impossible. So I will set down now, while my perspective is clearer, my plan of action: 1. I will thank You ? for what You are doing in me—healing (removing that which harms me), delivering (setting me free). ? for the privilege of allowing You to be glorified in me, to fulfil Your purpose in me. What greater privilege than to be the best my Creator intended to make me? 2. I will praise You ? for Your uncompromising righteousness, that I may know what is expected. ? for your unchanging (consistent) justice, that I may know You are just in all Your ways. ? for Your steadfast faithfulness, that I may trust You. ? for Your incomprehensible Love. ? for Your incomparable magnificence, beauty, majesty. ? for Your greatness of power, that I may know victory is always Yours, and You WILL accomplish Your purpose. ? for Your longsuffering and forbearing patience. ? for Your great Wisdom. 3. I will express ? my willingness—yes, my great desire—to be changed into the likeness of Christ. ? my agreement with You against the flesh and sin—the ruination of Your perfect creation, and Your enemies which You have already conquered. 4. I will reckon myself unresponsive to sin and alive only to You. 5. I will take hold of Your strength by faith, trusting You to meet me and enable me as You always have in the past, and according to Your promises. 6. I will rejoice in Your salvation, and continue to praise You. Hallelujah! 7. I will proclaim that my God reigns! Jesus is Lord! I am my Beloved’s, and He is mine! B. May 15, 1978 The Seeker: Lord, the tears—are they necessary? Or should I deny them? You were a Man of Sorrows… but You wept for others. Your agony in Gethsemane—was that a personal thing? Or did You feel for us at that time? You were “exceedingly sorrowful, even unto death". Your Father sent an angel to strengthen You, lest You die prematurely. But surely that was a true struggle between the will of the flesh and the will of God, else Your victory would not be truth. Yes, You must have had tears of sorrow, tears of heaviness—but surely no tears of resentment, self-pity, or even frustration. Yes, I’m sure You cry, You grieve, You sorrow over Your people, but Your tears are the tears of Love. Oh, Lord God, give me discernment between the tears which are Yours, given me by identification with Your feelings, and those which are of my flesh. And give me strength to utterly deny the tears of the flesh. Your restraint and restriction are stifling—to the flesh. They also are Your loving hand, and my security. B. May 16, 1978 The Seeker: Lord, You have said, “Mourn not, nor weep, but rejoice at the instruction You have received.” Turn my mourning into rejoicing, for I cannot. I will not reach out for human help. I will not indulge in self-pity. If I must weep, I will weep, but I will praise You. I will thank you for the security of Your heavy Hand and Your restrictive yoke. I will rest in Your will. I will wait for my Redeemer, and hope only in Him. I will reaffirm my love to You, imperfect as it is. Help me take hold of Your strength, Your Life, Lord. Your Joy, Lord! Your delight! Your Will! Work it in me. B. The Fragrance of Freshly Pressed Grapes I long so to reach out for human help, and to voice to others the questions that churn within me. But I desire even more to find everything I need in the Person of Jesus. At this point, if it doesn’t come from Him, it won’t answer, and I don’t want it, even if I reach for it. I think there are no simple answers to the questions I have, and if I cannot hear the Voice of the Spirit, I will have no help. If He cannot show me where I err, and teach me His way, I have no hope. But He is able to subdue all things unto Himself—even me. I think some of my tears are His tears, too, but I am sure there are other tears I must learn to deny. The restraint and confinement of His yoke is so very heavy—yet it is my security, and my Father’s loving hand, infinitely tender. He promises an easy yoke, and rest—when I learn of Him. I will learn to call His sabbath a delight. I will turn from my pleasure on His Holy Day. I thank Him for His prayers for me, and those of His people. I thank Him for His faithfulness which holds me when my faith faints and I let go of Him. I thank Him that He brings to remembrance things He showed me beyond my understanding in former times, that I may have an occasional glimmer of illumination in the darkness. And I thank Him for the touch of His life from others, from time-to-time, when He sends it. And the Song of Joy from higher ground. I don’t need to write about the kicking and screaming, etc., but I must make this expression of my faith, made stronger by the confession of it. “Whoso is wise and shall observe these things, even he shall understand the lovingkindness of the Lord.” “Blessed be the Lord, the Lord God of Israel, who only doeth wondrous things.” B. May 30, 1978 The Seeker: O Lord, such a disparity between the amounts of what I know intellectually to be true and that truth which has been apprehended in my spirit. Always, unbelief has been the great limitation of your people. Lord, I believe; help Thou my unbelief. Have I been denying reality? As the pleasure of myself is violated, I do indulge in self-pity. I do continue to seek my own pleasure, while saying I am crucified with Christ. Must I mourn for a time to properly bury the self? Am I repressing that because I feel guilty for feeling that way? O.K., I will make my confession unto salvation. I feel sorry for myself. It seems so unfair to give my life for others. I know that is the mission and spirit of Christ. I know that is my communion with Him. Lord, I want to be willing, but I find I am not. I am even less able. Work in me to will and to do of your good pleasure. Lord, I don’t know how much I must or should express grief to be healed. If I must, help me to do so; if I should deny all that, enable me. Lord, teach me Your way. Again, I hope only in You. Salvation is of the Lord. I wait for Your salvation. Yes, I see—You must first meet my needs before You can meet the needs of others through me. And I must admit my need before You can heal—confession, salvation. Sometimes I claim You have met those needs before I have received Your Grace. B. * * * [The Singer had initiated a conversation with the Seeker to tell of the intercession experienced on her - the Seeker's - behalf. So perfectly did the description fit the experience of the Seeker that she was totally “undone” before her Lord. She wrote the following in response]: June 12, 1978 The Seeker How humbling that another should suffer for me. My pride does not desire that another feel my pain; it would be tough and independent. But He feels with me, and chooses to demonstrate this through one in Union with Him. He undoubtedly feels the pain more intensely than I, because He is Light, and sees the extent and depth of the darkness more clearly than I, with my dull vision and short sight. It is not fair! But He responds, “I was wounded…I was bruised… This is Mercy; this is Love!” I cannot even pay with a thank you – because all the praise and gratitude rises in worship to the One Who loves me and gave Himself for me. What a demonstration of Grace! How devastating to self! It gives me a greater understanding of the meaning of intercession. B. June 16, 1978 He is giving me momentary glimpses, brief touches, of His Glory, fleeting revelations of the mystery of Christ-in-us, to draw and woo me on. It causes every fiber of my being to cry out, “I thirst!” and my spirit lunges toward Him. For a moment, I am truly my Beloved’s. Is that cry from the Cross the desperate cry of a broken union, made intolerable by full knowledge and experience of that great mystery? Was that union, in fact, broken for a time, or was it just the fellowship of that union that was broken? Or is the fellowship the union? No, He never shrank from the cross. His soul was troubled, yes, but He never drew back because He saw the joy that was set before Him. It is that perspective that swallows up death in victory. B.