progress6.htm

Progress of Another Pilgrim

June 27, 1978 The Seeker: To whom I bring my firstfruits offering to the Lord, “We do not rest satisfied with the present. We anticipate the future as too slow in coming, as if in order to hasten its course; or we recall the past, to stop its too rapid flight. So imprudent are we that we wander in the times which are not ours, and do not think of the only one which belongs to us; and so idle are we that we dream of those times which are no more, and thoughtlessly overlook that which alone exists. For the present is generally painful to us. We conceal it from our sight, because it troubles us; and if it be delightful to us, we regret to see it pass away. We try to sustain it by the future, and think of arranging matters which are not in our power, for a time which we have no certainty of reaching. “Let each one examine his thoughts, and he will find them all occupied with the past and the future. The present is never our end. The past and present are our means; the future alone is our end. So we never live, but we hope to live; and, as we are always preparing to be happy, it is inevitable we should never be so.” --Pascal’s Pensees, 172 The past belongs to the grave, except that which has become a part of me. The future is God’s alone, except that which He shares with me by giving me vision to see. And so I will forget the past and, without turning back, press on toward the mark—for the Prize! I leave the future with Him, but my life is in the present as never before—redeeming the time, truly living, with joy in pleasing my Beloved this moment, knowing that the present is the foundation for the future. This is rest! This is true satisfaction! What liberty when His judgments are mine, when my hopes and expectations are His accomplished fact! He again draws me to run after Him. He instructs me to write the vision He gives and express it plainly, that he who reads it (mostly I, myself), may run. I desire Strength, that I may run quickly, and Patience, that I may run steadfastly and according to His timing. He has taken me, a typical product of the church, and put within me questions that demand the Truth, and a restlessness that is not satisfied until He is found. Always, my questions have been, “Where is the victory?” “Where are the kings?” Where is God’s Glory?” I have seen of His Glory; I have tasted overcoming; but I can never fully rest until I fully enter in. He promises a rest; He promises grace and salvation to the uttermost. Why are we, His people, “content” with so little? Why such complacency in the church? O God, grant me clear vision, that I may fully participate in Your great purpose! From my own Christian experience, I see God’s dealing throughout the history of mankind. How reluctant we are to go with God when He moves in a new way. Without a vision, we perish. We need to know what is the hope of our calling—the hope that is firmly fixed in the very certainty of God in Heaven, the utterly reliable anchor of our souls. This Hope is Jesus! Let us pray for revelation. We are destroyed by lack of knowledge. We must count all but loss, that we might know Him (and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings), that we might win Christ, the Prize of the high calling of God, our Exceeding Great Reward! Let us pray for knowledge. We cannot receive because we do not believe, and we do not believe because we neither know God’s Name, nor understand His ways. This, then, must be God’s season to truly reveal the riches of the glory of the mystery hid from the ages and generations. We are coming upon the climax of the ages, when all things will be gathered together in Christ. He is coming individually to His people, to establish His Kingdom. Christ in us is the hope of Glory. As the Kingdom spreads, His glory will cover the earth! Even so, come Lord Jesus! Adam was infant man in innocence, with little understanding of the will of God. The Children of Israel knew God’s acts, but not His ways; they knew His judgment, but not His grace. The disciples and the early church learned to take responsible roles in the Kingdom as brother, friend, and teacher. The Church of the end times is receiving further revelation and new understanding for becoming the espoused, the bride, the wife. The Holy Spirit has given me the hope that I can walk with God in willing obedience, committing no conscious sin. This is possible only as there is a moment-by-moment abiding in Christ. To Apprehend that in experience is to know destruction of the power of sin, to have the will set free to do His will. But, that self can be crucified totally, leaving a stone-cold dead corpse, incapable of rearing its ugly head to torment—ah, I truly had not dared take hold of such a hope until He challenged the source of my understanding (“Who says?”)! This total death requires an understanding of one’s errors, a cleansing of secret faults, a purging of the unconscious. Positively, it requires an understanding of His will, a revelation of the Mind of Christ. To be able to stand against sin requires a spiritual apprehension of the finished work of Christ. But for sin to find no answering response—that requires a personal application of His crucifixion—identification by crucifixion of the self. There is a difference between the legal and the experiential. I am learning that it is not in my actions that I sin; they are but the manifestation of the sin. “For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” And, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked. Who can know it?” My sin is in my attitudes, my affections, and my chosen mental views. But how can one “think” in one’s heart? And how can I know my heart is pure? Pride is perversion of love. It is love turned inward, self-love. It is the true “abomination that makes desolate”, setting up the idol of self in the temple of God. It is the spirit of Satan. It finds its expression in independence: independence of thought (unbelief); of actions (sin, righteousness of the Law); of desire (one’s own pleasure—Isaiah 58: 13, 14). It is a perversion of God’s purpose of glorifying Him. It is enmity against His wisdom, righteousness, and justice. But more than that, it is spiritual adultery—that which destroys His intended relationship with man, that which spurns His Love and breaks His Heart. It causes the dissolution of the union of Spirit, and untold human scars. But the One Who truly feels its effects is the One Who is Perfect Love, the One Who is Faithful. Perhaps what I saw until now was the pain of the Father, whose intentions toward His children are misunderstood and rebelled against. Then my will was turned to desire only His will. God, grant me to know the pain of Your Son Whose Bride, for whom He gave His life, so often still rejects His love for that of others. Draw me to love You yet more, that I may understand. Save me, O Lord, to the uttermost. Set free my love, to love only You. Then will I be able to respond only to You! Union with You, in Your Spirit! (Marginal note: It is the disparity between desire and ability that causes the travail.) Lord, there are many times when I feel that I have regressed and fallen back into old ways. Then You remind me that it is wholly by Your Grace that I am able to walk in Your ways, and I see that You are again removing Your Grace, that I may see myself yet more. And I am reminded that I have “enquired of You” for this. I need not despair at my helplessness, but rather thank You for revealing it, praise You for Your deliverance (It is finished!), and wait on You. Is God’s whole purpose in all this Way of the Cross to bring me to a true humility before Him, and therefore, also before men? If pride is self-love expressed in independence, then true humility must be honesty and acknowledgement of my sinful nature with full understanding, of His Holiness, and of my total helplessness before God and total dependence upon Him for His mercy and grace. Repentance and submission. Is this, then, the point of total brokenness? Lord, You dwell with him who is of a contrite and humble spirit, in the high and holy place. No pride can stand in Your presence. “Thou shalt hide them [that trust in Thee before the sons of men] in the secret of Thy presence from the pride of man…” Ps. 31:20. In Your Presence is safety from pride. And I cannot enter in fully with any pride at all. Here is the dilemma: the law has shown me my fault; it is the schoolmaster. But I am helpless! I come to Christ. Lord, save me! I wait for You. I trust only in You. Lord, my steps can only be as large as the challenge You set before me. Sometimes it pleases You to enlarge my vision through another’s eyes of faith. O God! I am so hungry and thirsty for full union, marriage union, with You! Lord, I would not be careless and hurry, but please take me as quickly as I can go. Enable me to travel faster, Lord. I want to go Home! (To the Heart of God, from Whence I came.) Let me see the landmarks clearly, that I be not turned aside by deception (to chase “crows and ashes”, like the sheepdog). “As for me, I will behold Thy face in righteousness: I shall be satisfied, when I awake, with Thy likeness”! (Ps. 17:15) Lord, what an awesome responsibility to be an example to bear Your image for others! Yet, the responsibility is given by You, and it is You Who give grace. It is by Your life that such an example is lived. Jesus prayed the Father to keep me from evil. Shall I limit and hinder His prayer by unbelief? Jabez prayed that God would keep him from evil, and God granted his request (I Chron. 4:10). It is my word of faith that God can so take me into Himself that sin will find no answering response in me. Let me understand: the point of total brokenness, true humility, proper relationship, total redemption, whole sanctification, every thing shaken and burned that can be shaken and burned, total death of the flesh, no answering response to sin, no distortion and clouding, but a true and pure reflection of His image—is that sinless perfection? And then the personal travail is over, the trial of faith is completed? You do not say there is no suffering; rather, the sensitivity to it and capacity for it is increased. It is not that travail is over; rather that it is now the laboring for His purpose, that Christ be formed in others, and the bearing of spiritual offspring for the Beloved. It is not that there are no temptations and no assault against the faith. Indeed, these will be intensified, but will find a sure defense, and no answering response. It is then that I will be fit to work with Him, beside my Beloved, His desires and vision mine. This is the position of the wife. It is not an end to maturity, but rather a perfection along the way, and the condition for continuing growth. Lord, You must be the Aggressor in all wrestlings with Thee, as You were with Jacob, else I cannot demand that You bless me. You must touch me however necessary to prevail over me, that I may prevail with Thee. O Lord, You are a God full of surprises, and wonderfully tender and gentle! How precious You are! My times are in Thy hand. You know my frame, You remember that I am dust. Grant, Lord, that I, too, may know and remember… O God, how I long for a truly contrite and humble spirit. Then will (indeed, can) You revive my spirit and heart with Thy Life (Is. 57:15). “How excellent is Thy lovingkindness, O God! Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Thy wings! (Ps. 36:7). Now, teach me Thy Way, O Lord. “Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord”—confess the truth. He doesn’t ask for groveling, He asks for honesty. Lord, show me whenever I think myself at all worthy of the least of Your Mercy and Truth which You have shown me. Surely I have seen neither, if I think myself worthy! Chief of sinners, least of all saints—why do I not see myself that way, Lord? Grant that I may see. I sense that You did not grant my request before because You desired to prepare me further. [Seeker’s note: She had stayed up all night recently, pleading to see the full extent of her sinful self. About dawn, the Lord finally spoke, telling her to go to bed. To her, it seemed the clear implication was, “This is going to take a little longer than you think!”] Prepare me fully, Lord. The initiative is Yours. I would not hurry Your Hand, but will, with patience wait, acknowledging Your Wisdom and Knowledge. The time of salvation is appointed by the Lord. “I will stand upon my watch, and set me upon the tower, and will watch to see what He will say unto me, and what I will say when I am reproved…. Write the vision and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end, it shall speak, and not lie. Though it tarry, wait for it, because it will surely come, it will not tarry.” (Hab. 2:1-3) B. Reply from the Singer Dearest B. This [a personal gift sent to the Seeker] is not so much a gift as an offering "as unto the Lord"......[sic] The choice is without reason... It simply "presented itself" as I felt the need to "offer" a gift for the immense, intense spiritual blessing received via your latest communication. It was God answering some direct questions from me and has also gone forth to bless others. In answer to your questions therein, I don't so much say a resounding Yes! Yes! as breathe a deep, resonant, up-reaching amen to the communication in its entirety. He has spoken! In deep love and appreciation, F. The Seeker: (The "offering" referred to was four decorative soaps--orange, green, gold, and brown--amazing how such details are etched in my memory!--which I put in a silver dish edged with a grape cluster design in the bathroom, and which led to study and meditation on fuller's soap and the purification process.) B. July 9, 1998 and October 21, 1978,11:30 p.m. The Seeker: July 9th letter excerpt: I was ill with bronchitis. One night I went to bed, chest muscles aching with every breath, totally exhausted and acutely feeling my insufficiency to care for my family. I had just gotten to sleep when I awoke with a cough and sat bolt upright, unable to stop coughing to get my breath. A rage filled my whole being, and I got out of bed to fight the fiercest internal battle I had known to that time. I write to find out what I'm really thinking, so that is what I did. Later I shared it with F. [the Singer], asking if it is not possible to yield to God's will as long as any apparently viable alternative remains, i.e., without being totally incapacitated. She wrote back, "Nay, for at the root, WE WANT NOT GOD'S WILL!..." I have never forgotten that answer, for it was a real "kick in the head". TRUTH! POWERFUL TRUTH! It was my first true realization of the extent and power of the enemy's influence within me through the old man--the Man of Sin, of whom Satan is the epitome. What I wrote that night [October 21, 1978 note to follow] shows the attitude with which I have fought every future battle of wills (and there have been many)--the will of the flesh against the will of God. I share it with you in the hope that you will find it helpful. Each person is responsible for his own choices in life--what he does with what is Given to him. Ultimately it is a solitary (humanly speaking) journey. I can only encourage you on your way and share what I have learned. I would give to you of my life and faith if I could, (though there is none of my own of any value) but then you would not grow strong and healthy spiritually. CHRIST GIVES HIS VERY LIFE (yes, and His Faith, also), and receiving it, one is made strong. My life belongs to the Lord, and therefore all my resources, including my time and energy. I serve Him, and no other, except as HE ministers through me. He has made it plain to me that I am to spend no more time in useless arguments with you that only drain energy that He Requires of me elsewhere, and leave us both frustrated. You must CHOOSE to believe in Him and all He has been shown to you to be. Then He has your permission to Intervene on your behalf...I simply cannot encourage you in your times of disbelief, because you cannot then receive encouragement. Argument, like Escher's stairway, goes nowhere. I love you deeply. Our Lord Loves you even more! October 21st, 1978 reference: Lord, You are Sovereign. I also know that You understand, and that You love me, and that this is for my good and Your glory. It seems like forever that I’ve been going around and around in circles. Am I unable to continue resting because I seek understanding for myself and answers for my questions, and cannot ( or is it WILL not?) trust You in Your Silence? I certainly feel utterly forsaken, though I know You are with me every moment. Lord, You have so weakened my natural strength that I am acutely aware of my helplessness. [Now I know He had simply allowed me to see the true state of my natural strength—naught but gross weakness! 7/9/98] Then it seems You have deserted me. I cannot, cannot, CANNOT overcome anything or act or react righteously on my own. O, my God, I would like to cough up this resentment, rebellion, bitterness, self-pity, self-exaltation (oh, how it chokes and gags me!)—all this independence—once and for all. But even that I cannot do. Would that Your Fire would quickly burn out the offending organism! I don’t know if my desire for healing comes from a pure desire for Your Glory, but I know I cannot live this way. My love for You must be a poor thing indeed if I cannot obey You—ah, it is not that I do not want to, but that I cannot. What love I do have, my Lord—it is all Yours. You will not let me forget that You have done a work, and my heart is pure. You have said so; I must believe it. I do not understand this distressing experience, but throughout all, I have known that it is of You, and You will accomplish something through it. Somehow there must be a way that even I can accept this cross. Yes, through Your Life lived in me. But how, Lord, do I receive Your Life? It seems I have come to this point a hundred times before in the past week. Here is my plea, written, so it must stand—GOD, SAVE ME! I will trust You. I will rest. Not one more negative thought, not one more vain imagination, not one more irritable, critical, uncharitable thought [!]; only praise and thanks to my God, my Savior, my Fortress, my High Tower, my Strength, my Light, my Hope, my Life and Breath! And my Delight! But only by Your Life can I so conduct myself. Enable me to receive, Lord, though I have nothing to give in return. Is this all You have been waiting for, the total exhaustion from my tantrums? I come to You now, thoroughly chastened, repentant, broken, weary. There is no reason You should take me up, except Your unchanging Mercy. Thank You for Forgiveness; thank You for Love; thank You for uncompromising Righteousness; thank You for Patience, for refusing to deal with me as a wilful toddler. And now, Lord, please accomplish Your Purpose in this thing. I am so sorry for causing such delay. I do not ask for comfort or understanding, but for strength, that I may bear it. Lord, I believe the Love that You have toward me. I humbly praise Your Name. B. June 15, 1998 The Singer: There is NAUGHT for thee to do nor NAUGHT that you are ABLE to do nor NAUGHT that you have to be able to do...not for THE THINGS OF THE MOST HIGH GOD. The Man of Sin is fraught through and through with UNCLEANNESS and until one knows that AS THE MOST HIGH knows that, one is yet deceived that there IS yet something one can do if one but knew what that was. One can only behold what The Most High sees in him...and agree: "in me dwelleth (remaineth, abideth) NO GOOD THING". NO, NOT EVEN ONE. One comes to see how deceived we are and have been about what "good" is. Our good. TRULY, OF A TRUTH THERE IS NONE GOOD BUT GOD. Praise God from Whom ALL blessings flow. Til our "spiritual death", even every thought, every word, every praise - every "whatever" - falls short, shot through with...what else but Self. That is deeper than ever one can imagine. It is in every pore. HE is the Wonderful One...TOTALLY. I - not a BETTER F., nor a CHANGED F., but a "found-out", indicted, sentenced and "put-to-death" F. - bow...BECAUSE OF HIM. Beloved friend, I would add only two thoughts for further clarification: First, one will come to KNOW that IF one HAS done "good" heretofore, it has been, unbeknownst to the one, HIS doing and not something from our character development, personality traits, personal growth, etc. Secondly, IF one continues to be SHOCKED at one's "faux pas" (pl), one yet thinks there DOES dwell some good thing "in me" and it SHOULD be manifesting. Nay. May the peace that is resident in the Prince of Peace permeate your life; may the Love that IS the God Most High fill your heart; may the holiness that marks us out as His be the essence of all you think, say and do. And may we worship Him altogether by His Grace. F. July 16, 1998 The Seeker: O God, thou Who dost truly love me, I choose to take hold of Thy Strength in Christ, to bow before Thee for Thy Government in every aspect of my being. I thank Thee for making me thus - personally inadequate - that I may come to know Thee as my sufficiency in all for all, and that I might open my heart to Thee freely and UNRESERVEDLY. Thou Who art able to subdue all things to Thyself, my heart delights in Thy Will; I give also my informed consent (reasoned resolve) to Thee to align my whole will with Thine, for Thy Will is Good, Acceptable to me, and Perfect. Thou Who art Faithful and True, conquer my whole soul that I might be a pleasing gift to God. B.