Finally…something to be thankful for. Last night I was mindlessly flipping channels and one of those great, simple “oh shit” flashes that are all too few and far between. I’m a rapid channel switcher, totally a.d.d. so I thought I might’ve been hallucinating Henry Thomas’s less-than-prime, mid-30s mug, as I passed through Showtime. But no, it was definitely him, and I was bummed because it was the last 15 minutes of an episode of that new Masters of Horror series, entitled Chocolate. It’s not something I’ve been following since I’m not crazy about the genre, but I became immediately engrossed by the synopsis, “a newly divorced young man who creates artificial flavors for the food industry, suddenly and inexplicably starts to experience brief and random flashes from someone - and somewhere – unknown.” I’d obviously missed on the majority of the plot, but was treated to Henry bugging some woman in a park with the following precious lines, “I’m not a stalker…I know how special you are…I have to tell you the reason why I love you. Please don’t be afraid of me. Sometimes I’m inside you. I’m not crazy, I’m not a pervert. Somehow we’re psychically linked.” Ah, such sweet mania. The only way it could’ve possibly been any better would be if Bonnie Root was playing the object of his unwanted affections. And creating artificial flavors for the food industry? How sexy is that? He probably makes ranch ranchier. The premise behind this series is getting masters of horror to direct each episode, and it’s interesting to note that the particular “master” of this episode ain’t so masterful. He was the force behind forgotten (for a reason) gem Psycho IV, where I’m assuming he made Henry’s acquaintance.
July 2005
Enough
time has passed since publishing Scaredy-Cat Stalker that I can look back
objectively. Until recently scrolling through this page, I’d completely
forgotten about having a news story written (mostly) about me and how absolutely
bizarre that seems now. (I then became consumed with tracking it down, which was
no easy feat.)
I think
NYC has tainted me because I can’t even fathom a super nichey article like this
being written outside of an alternative paper. It almost (just almost) makes me
miss the ‘90s when attention and accolades were obtainable with a little effort.
Now that the universe has gone off the blog deep end, it’s become nearly
impossible to stand out and be heard. I’ve all but thrown in the towel.
Reprinting this piece is
totally violating copyright, and as a librarian I should know better. But if
anyone actually manages to get to this dusty corner of the internet, we can talk
infringement later.
Zine publisher through with
'E.T.'
star
Joseph O'Connell
San Antonio Express-News
December 3, 1997
It's over, Henry.
It was fun when you were still
that cute Henry Thomas kid from "E.T.-The Extra-Terrestrial." And it was a lark
to see you all grown up and playing Brad Pitt's brother in "Leg ends of the
Fall." But your No. 1 fan is call ing it quits, and your big-screen success is
the culprit.
"He ruined my fun," said
Krista Garcia, who self-publishes Scaredy-Cat Stalker, a zine based on her
obsession with Thomas and other famous and not-so-famous people, out of her
Portland, Ore., apartment. "He got into the public eye. He's too big for his
britches. He's too easy."
Zines are small-circulation,
do- it-yourself publications that are tools for their authors to share personal
obsessions. Subject matter can range from 8-track tapes to punk rock music to
'70's fashions.
Zine publishers rely heavily
on "Factsheet Five," a slick magazine that lists thousands of the zines, to get
word out about their existence and unique outlooks on life. "Factsheet Five"
readers recently listed Garcia's Scaredy- Cat Stalker as one of their favorite
reads.
Each of the six issues of
Garcia's zine published so far categorizes celebrities into stalkable - Thomas,
Edward Furlong, Macauley Culkin, David Duchovny - and unstalkable - Kelsey
Grammar, David Hasselhoff, Jason Hervey and Keiko the whale.
But the true emphasis, until
now, has been on Thomas. Articles have included "The art of working Henry Thomas
into any situation," "E.T.'s tiny heroes," "Henry Thomas is not all that!" and a
point- by- point comparison of Thomas and his "E.T." costar Drew Barrymore
(Thomas - "I'd like to make one (movie) a year because I don't want to miss too
much school." Barrymore - "I just want to be a star.")
Garcia, who works in a library
and does much of her Thomas research there, blames two obsessions for creating
her zine in 1995. One grew from seeing Thomas act in "Legends of the Fall"; the
other is her two-year attraction to another zine publisher who also happened to
work at a Portland Kinko's. She put her feelings for San Antonio native Thomas
into words and used the copy machine to both get the word out and to be close to
obsession No. 2.
"I think stalking is a good,
healthy thing," said Garcia, 25. "It's something that good-natured, creative
people do. I don't want to scare anyone. To me, words are innocent. It's not
dangerous until it's physical action."
Thomas, whose agent was sent a
copy of the premiere issue by Garcia, apparently isn't as comfortable with it.
Answering audience question during the recent Austin Film Festival, he described
Garcia as "pretty weird," but seemed not to see her or her publication as a true
threat.
"She stalks people in a
journalist sense," he said.
Ironically, Garcia said fans
of Scaredy-Cat Stalker sometimes make her uneasy. After airing her Thomas
obsession in an Internet chat room, she began to get as many as 12 messages a
day from a 30ish disabled man who called himself "Egg" and who shared her
feelings for Thomas. The man discovered Garcia's home telephone number and once
talked to her for six hours straight.
"He's a more scary person than
I am," Garcia said. "But he can't drive, so Henry's probably safe."
With Thomas likely out of the
Scaredy-Cat Stalker picture, Garcia is weighing her options for new obsessions.
Likely candidates must be
semi- famous and somewhat childlike, but much more obscure than Thomas currently
is, Garcia said. Near the top of the list is Ike Eisenmann, who in 1978 starred
in "Return from Witch Mountain," but has been hard to find on the big screen
since.
Unfortunately, Eisenmann may
have broken the code of the stalkee - he heard of Garcia's budding interest and
sent her e-mail. Worse, he lives less than an hour from her Portland home, and
Garcia's obsessions tend toward all things Texas, and the more unattainable the
better.
That leaves as the top
candidate Bobby Hill, the rotund young character on television's "King of the
Hill." He's young, not too famous and a Texan. Oh, and he's a drawing.
"Tell (Thomas) he's been
replaced with a cartoon character," Garcia said. "He could have at least written
me a hate letter."
June 2005
I actually started getting nervous as each episode of VH1’s 100 Greatest Kid Stars aired because H.T. was suspiciously absent, and there’s no way that out of 100 choices, he wouldn’t squeeze in somewhere. I mean, they were getting mildly obscure with their picks like Lara Jill Miller from Gimme a Break and Justin Henry from Kramer vs. Kramer, so you knew E.T. couldn’t be denied. Phew, Henry popped in at #24. I did notice that in the brief clips they showed of him being an adult, he was with that goofy toothed first wife. I still don’t understand how he got a second wife and a baby so quick. That kind of crap could only work on a foreigner.
Ah, so good to see H.T. is still making movies that no one has ever seen or heard of. Dead Birds? 11:14? I can’t wait for this lovely with Gary Busey and Nick Lachey.
Do you think it’ll actually make it into theaters?
March 2005
Hmm, despite not updating my H.T. stuff like ever (I can't believe I didn't touch this page in 2004), I could’ve sworn I’d put up a tidbit about his second marriage and child. I know I get all warped with time, but It’s still difficult to get my head around the fact that since I met The Hankster over six years ago, I’m still the same ol’ me and he’s already been married, divorced, remarried and knocked someone up. Apparently, last May he married a German actress Marie Zielcke. I guess she’s cuter than the first one, despite being a kraut and all. See, I told you his first marriage wouldn’t last, duh. And supposedly redivorce rates are even higher than divorce rates. So, still single and still right.
January 2003
Funny, I just got this wild hare (or is it hair? You'd think I'm ESL, I'm so bad with idioms.) up my ass regarding Henry, and then I realized it's been exactly a year since I've noted anything here so it's only right. Maybe it's because I started drinking coffee again or maybe this Atkins crap about increased energy and elevated mood is actually true and just kicked in, but I was on a total H.T. rampage today. I was determined to find a photo of his blushing bride. And well, thar she be, cute as a bug's ear and toothy as all get out. You say aspiring actress, I say even harder up for roles than Henry (though he seems to be doing pretty well on the straight-to-cable circuit). All the best to the toothsome, oops, twosome. Hey, don't 50% of all marriages end in divorce? Yes, this is only a minor kink in my master plan.
January 2002
Jeez, I haven't touched this page in eons. But the minor ET 20th anniversary hoopla got my H.T. wheels turning slightly. A friend of a friend told her some time ago that she saw some article on Henry (possibly in "Mademoiselle" but why would he be in that mag?) and it mentioned his wife Kelly. Eh, wife? That stuff always weirds me out. For all I know, he's known the woman for years. But he clearly wasn't engaged or even attached (recent breakup if I'm correct) back in '98 when I ran into him randomly. And yeah, I know that was three years ago, but I'm still single and totally the same type of person and can't imagine meeting and marrying someone between the end of '98 and somewhere in '00 (when I heard this rumor). Maybe this says more about me than Henry...but then, doesn't it always?
December 2000
I haven't written anything here in a million years and there's no telling if I will again any time soon. I realize I've been letting all my Henry Thomas stuff fall to the wayside. It happens to the best of us. Yet even though my mania has cooled considerably, I couldn't help but notice that he's in one of those many-movies-out-at-once phases. He was interviewed in last week's Time Out New York and there was also a one page ad for "A Good Baby," which has certainly taken its sweet time to get released. I remember him talking about filming it in North Carolina way back when I ran into him in late '98. He's also got "All the Pretty Horses" set for Christmas and some Scorsese epic, "Gangs of New York" due out early next year. I just wouldn't want anyone thinking that the H.T. mini comeback of 2000 has gone unnoticed.
I used to be all convinced that Henry was all into horse girls and even went so far as to write the beginnings of a "screenplay" with a friend casting Jennifer Love Hewitt as Henry's girlfriend (we also cast Nick Rhodes as a street performer, but that's a horse of a different color). But Jennifer Love Hewitt has glammed-up a bit since then and after seeing Hank in action, my new theory is that he likes plain, but pretty dirty blondes. To be even more specific, those freaky eastern european types. I can totally visualize the look in my head, but I can't come up with any good examples. I bet he would like Oksana Baiul. I can also see him digging former co-star, Fairuza Balk if she didn't dye her hair dark. You know, those Russian/Polish/Czech faces with high cheek bones and sunken in eyes. My friend Jane says that a lot of the inbred kids in Kentucky look like that. Her father used to work in a children's hospital and the staff referred to them as , "F.L.K.s" for funny looking kids. Maybe Hank oughta take a trip to the south.
I know Henry doesn't do TV, but I found the perfect show for him on Fox Kids this fall, The Mystic Knights of Tir na Nog." He could act his celtic heart out in this live-action mish-mash of "Power Rangers" meets "Xena".
I got really upset last weekend when this girl told me that Henry was dating Melissa from Hole. I searched high and low, looking for proof, but came up empty handed. Then the other night someone told me that she's dating Henry Thomas from Foreigner, which is weird in a completely different way.
Hank's going to be co-starring in a film adaptation of All the Pretty Horses with that dud, Matt Damon. It's Henry's favorite book so I'm sure this is very cool for him. No matter how hard I try, I just can't read the darn thing. Of course Henry's playing second-fiddle to Matt's lead role. How could it be any other way? I've always thought that Matt Damon looks like the ultimate frat-boy, date-raper. Now this theory has been proven. On a commercial for "Rounders" he's in a bedroom with his girlfriend and says, "I'll be really quick. You won't feel a thing". Is that supposed to be funny?
A friend of a friend of a friend says that she went to a party in San Antonio and Henry was there with a "wild" girlfriend. I'm not really sure what she means by wild, but I'm curious. I asked my friend to get this person to clarify their statement, but I haven't heard back on it yet.
Did you know that Johnathan Taylor Thomas, Heather Thomas and Henry all have birthdays on Sept. 8? Yep, I heard it on "Entertainment Tonight" so it must be true.
Spring 1998:
Poor little Henry Thomas was denied entry into the U.K. He was scheduled to play the young king Arthur in a NBC mini-series, "Merlin". It's tough being The Hankster. I'm sure he would've got off on the whole historical drama thing.
Henry's got some pretty cool friends, as I discovered on the alt.fan.fairuzabalk newsgroup:
"You know, I am friends with Henry Thomas and it sucks to know a pseudo-star like him who makes movies with beautiful women like Fairuza but is so not in the loop that there is no way I could ever meet her though him. I would go to his house just after he finished "Valmont" and all he wanted to do was play Dungeons & Dragons, drink MGD, and fence with the swords he stole off the set. Why couldn't he be the kind of guy who would befriend Fairuza and get her to hang out with us? I know this is a petty tirade, but seeing these pics of her made me wish I was cool!"
This supremely uncool friend also posts to newsgroups such as alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.facials, and discusses the nuances of petite porn stars who like to take it up the ass on rec.arts.movies.erotica. I should e-mail him. Maybe we could bond over what a tard H.T. is.
At an Austin, TX Q&A following the screening of "Hijacking Hollywood", Henry was asked what he thought about "The Scaredy-cat Stalker". His feeble replies, "She's pretty weird" and "She's just stalking me in a journalistic sense". Them's fightin' words, Hank.
Zine publisher through with "E.T." star
That's an actual headline from the "San Antonio Express-News". I'd reprint the article here, but it makes me look like the biggest kook in the world. At least I got some new Texan readers out of it.
Winter 1996:
Henry made it to one of my favorite shows, "Jeopardy", in the form of a question. He appered in the category Celebrity Birthdays. "Johnathan Taylor Thomas and this Thomas of 'E.T.' share Sept. 8." No one knew the answer.
Henry showed up in the #4 spot of a top 10 worst actors of all time list in the alt.cult-movies newsgroup. Keanu Reeves was the #1 offender.
Henry always wanted to be in a "Star Wars" sequel as a tyke. He got as close as he's gonna get with his X-Wing Rogue Squadron book on tape. I wonder who's idea it was to give him a narration job. i couldn't stand it, I ripped open the package and immediately popped in the cassette on my way home from the store. Hank's goofy voice coupled with special laser beam effects and other random background noise made me laugh so hard I almost ran off the road. Ah, life's simple pleasures.
I bet you were excited to see the re-release of "E.T.". No big whoop, but incuded at the end of the tape are Henry's tearjerking screen test and an interview alongside Ms. Barrymore. Henry looks clean and semi-presentable, which makes me think that he must have someone who grooms and dresses him.
Summer 1996:
Did you know that Kevin Smith wanted to cast Henry as the lead in "Mallrats"? Who knows what happened with that. Obviously he wasn't in it and I can't even remember the guy they got for it because I never saw the movie. I thought it looked a little too retarded even for me (that's saying a lot). Maybe H.T. deserves more credit than I give him. Oh, but the best part was the director's rationale for wanting Henry, "He seems like he's at the perfect age. Plus he looks like a teen". My goodness!--I did end up renting it a while ago and couldn't stand it, but then it was on TV a couple weeks ago and I thought it was pretty funny in parts. That just shows how bored and pathetic I've become.
Reportedly, a little over a year ago Hank was putting in regular appearances at The Palms, a lesbian bar in West Hollywood. As the story goes, he'd show up on buck night.--and on "Rosie O'Donnell" she mentioned him being at the same piano bar that she was at in Canada. What's up with that?
Henry so rarely gets the girl (in his movies). This is why I found it interesting that two former on-screen love interests, Fairuza Balk ("Valmont") and Robin Tunney ("Riders of the Purple Sage" [and now "Niagara, Niagara"]) showed up in the same movie together. I know this means absolutely nothing. "The Craft" is nothing to write home about, but I think I got my $1.50 worth of entertainment.
Spring 1996:
Behind the Scenes of "Psycho IV": an insider's perspective in first person
I was invited to his apartment in Orlando after the movie wrapped for a post-party. He was staying in this apt. complex the production company had put him up in. Other cast and a few crew members were staying there also.
One of the crew members, the propmaster, was a real funny, nice guy and he and Henry (so the story goes) kept breaking into each other's apt. and leaving funny items or taking something nonsensical. So at the party Henry suggested breaking into the propmaster's place. We all followed him (the propmaster was out on a date or something) to the other apt. and watched as Henry picked the lock on the door. Once in we rummaged around for something to do (we had all drank more than a touch of alcohol). Someone found these pictures of the propmaster with a rubber sex doll (or something like that, I forget exactly). We all whooped it up and figured that the propmaster was pulling our leg. We left the apt. and I'm pretty sure Henry took the photos.
The next day the propmaster was acting really mad and no one was sure if he was kidding or not. Since the show was over, Henry and the out-of-town propmaster left pretty soon thereafter.
That's my Henry story. I might add that at no time were horses or the state of Texas involved, but I did just remember that Henry was strumming a guitar at his party.
Fall 1995:
Drives a 1994 blue pick-up truck with tinted windows.--That was from 1995, so it's safe to assume that he now drives a 1997 blue pick-up with tinted windows.
Listens to The Grateful Dead and Tom Waits.--Well, I know the Tom Waits part is true or he wouldn't have named his band Raindogs (which is now extinct) after one of Waits's albums. That's as unoriginal as me calling my imaginary band "Seven and the Ragged Tiger".
Likes "mousey white girls that are upper middle-class". I already had the feeling that Henry was pretty conservative so this is predictable. It's also one of my pet peeves that I could rant about for at least five pages (I'll refrain), but what is it with guys, just about every type of guy, and their fetish with mediocre, plain women? I had aspirations of cleaning Hank's horse stalls, but I bet he's a racist too. If I was barred from his property, I guess I could always find work at the Pace Picante factory down the street.
Is a big drinker, and is loyal to Guinness.--This has since been confirmed as truth.
I originally said that Henry's eyes were hazel because they were clearly blue in E.T., but seem almost brown now. I've finally figured it out. It's pretty apparent that Hank was a late bloomer. In "E.T." he would've been 10 or 11 and he was a freakin' pipsqueak. I know boys mature later, but I was 5'6 when I was 11. They say we're all born with blue eyes, which later turn brown if they're going to. I'm betting that around the age of 15 Mr. Thomas's made the switch.
Was taken to SWC (I'm not sure what this stands for), "a cool old-timers bar" in order to impress him. But The Hankster never returned to this sweet dive because they didn't serve Guinness.
When he was 21, had a one night stand with a "funky hairdresser" named Diane Love, who was ten years his senior.
Showed up at a Halloween party at a juice bar with a six-pack of Guinness. He allegedly slammed the sixer down on a table while shouting in "a dumb jock party tone", "Guinness!!". He later tried to dance with some nice girls, but they wouldn't let him join in because he wasn't a very good dancer.
Followed some girl he had a crush on to L.A., but when he found out that she expected him to help her with rent, he told her she was nuts.
Spring 1995:
I truly hope this one is just a rumor. I know that my obsessive tendencies force me to make connections between things that others would explain as coincidence, but this struck me as odd. I think I've mentioned my sister here and there. We're good pals and have been known to do some serious collaborative stalking. We used to hang-out and be unemployed together, but she met this guy and they're getting hitched, so she's lived in England with him for a couple of months. Now that I have no one to keep me entertained, I have all this time to pursue H.T. But the deal is that years ago my sister's fiance had this crazy girlfriend from Texas. From what I gather she was a dranged liar with a taste for prescription drugs. My sister called the other day and was saying that she and her fiance were watching something that he'd taped at the end of an "E.T." video, and while fast-forwarding, he said, "Beth reckons she fucked that guy." I freaked. Henry, please say it isn't so. My sister told me not to fret because this Beth character is a big storyteller, but I wonder if there's something to it. She really is from San Antonio. She says she went to high school with Henry, and maybe she really did, but I can't even stomach the thought of vaginal penetration (but anally? That's fine) with this girl. My sister won't tell me Beth's last name because she's afraid I'll try and contact her. She's the same age as me. Hell, she could've been me. Remember this is circa 1988, but she's been described as a little larger than average, kind of gothic, with medium-length, straight brown hair. I know we've all been tempted by pleasures of the flesh, and teenagers are kind of wiley, but I'd expect a little more decency on Henry's part.
Just for the record, Henry was not the kid in "The Black Stallion", nor the dork from "Spanking the Monkey". Actually, I didn't mind Jeremy Davies in that movie, but do you remember that awful car commercial where he's all, "like punk, but a car!"? I'm a little curious about the casting and the script of "Spanking the Monkey". There is a bit of resemblance between Henry and him, but I'm concerned with some striking similarities between this movie and the H.T. flick, "Psycho IV". Mommy-lovers of the world unite and take over.
Does Henry have a middle name? I hate to say it, and I've definitely tried not to bring it up, but there's something definitely wrong with people who have two first names. This combined with left-handedness could prove disastrous. Look at John Wayne, George Michael, Jim Carrey, Charlotte Rae, and Irene Cara--all freaks! If anyone could rise above the double-name stigma, Henry could. At least he's not a one name star.--Henry's middle name is Jackson, but I don't know if that's a help or a hindrance. Now we can add that date-raper, Matt Damon, to the mix too.
