... people seem unable
to find comfort in the ways
that I have changed ...
- shadoe
my girlfriend says i seem more passive now. It worries her. i honestly hadn’t noticed that change in myself. i pondered her words for a moment, when first she said them to me, before replying. i think, months ago, i might have been taken aback and somewhat defensive by her comment. Now however, i just find it curiously interesting that people are starting to notice differences in me. i guess on some level i understand that i am not quite the same as i was, as little as six months ago. i didn’t realize however, that people would begin noticing, and begin to express their views about it. She has not been the first to comment, although her approach was less hurtfully blunt. Some people have gone into great lengths of opinion on how my life should be led.
This day, i smiled at her and replied; "i just feel calm." We then began a somewhat lengthy discussion as i tried to explain to her what i meant and how i havent "lost" the control of myself that she is worried about. How i have merely allowed Sir to have it and protect it, and how i can trust that He will. i reassured her that i still was quite capable of making my own decisions, but that by dealing with a huge amount of past issues and emotional garbage, i felt i was beginning to make better decisions for myself. And i reassured her that my control, my personality, all of me, was and is still mine to have and keep. She still wore a look of skepticism when we finished, although she really was trying hard to understand a concept that is very foreign to her.
i am beginning to think that i am really only now "getting" my control. In a lot of ways i think i am less passive than i was. Instead of allowing others to decide for me how my life should be, and instead of setting my own needs and wants aside, or desperately grasping at them, trying to keep them, i believe i have learned to listen better, digest what it is i am asked to deal with, and then make decisions on what will be mutually beneficial. In short, i have begun to add myself into the equation, and in a calmer, more assertive manner. Without stomping about and getting frustrated and yelling, in an attempt to be heard. Perhaps that is part of what others are finding unsettling. And perhaps, when i stand back and take the time to think through how best to handle a situation, before responding to it, then that is being viewed as passivity.
i still do "stomp" from time to time though. Sir says it seems that my shoulders are rising up around my ears and He tells me to push them back down. Deep breaths, He says. i think i have a very long way to go before that tendency will be completely gone, although sometimes a venting session just plain feels good! i do know however, that i am less afraid to voice my opinion, and less willing to accept all the blame for whatever implied hurt or problem someone has with me. i am less worried about those who don’t have a lot of say in my life and what they might think of me. I used to be defensive and flippant and make comments such as; "well maybe they should try living my life, or get to know me!" Now i find myself just feeling sad that they don’t take the time to ask. Or to try to understand something that puzzles them. Yet i will admit, when the comments are made unfairly, when people judge me without understanding, my jaw still clenches.
i think i shall always remain a private person. But i have gotten a bit better at expressing how things feel; how i perceive them. i have learned to be less self-conscious, although i admit that i still struggle with it. i am learning to accept and feel more comfortable with my imperfections. i hesitate to use that word, as i don’t mean to express negativity. i guess what i mean is that, before, i would make comments such as; "i’m too fat or old or ... " Now i say to myself; "i am a bit pudgier than i wish to be, can i change that? Yes. i am older than i wish to be, can i change that? No, but i can accept and be the best ‘older’ possible." It seems some of the anxiety of aging is easing.
When i first began this journey, i was aware that there would be some fallout with regard to my personal relationships, and this included friends. Perhaps that is another reason why i took so long to begin. But i truly didn’t understand the level the fallout could become. i didn’t realize just how much people relied on me to remain staid and dependable in order to have comfort in their own versions of reality. i used to think that this was a road that i could follow to "me", and that everyone would wait till i completed it. i can see now, how i was wrong. Now, i stand in the middle of that road and as i look forward, then backward, i must make choices and decisions that are going to affect not only myself, but those around me.
Last night, i had a dream that has stayed hauntingly with me. i was small, although i can’t say that i was young and someone bigger than me was standing beside me with his hands on my shoulders. i was crying softly and looking at two people who frightened me. One was tall and seemed to be an adult/parent. The other was short and childlike. Where their faces should have been there was blackness. To me it was like they didn’t have bodies, yet they wore casually regular clothing. i was telling the person who had his hands on me that i didn’t want to stay with these strangers. He was reassuring me that it would be fine, that these people were very friendly. My mind shifted and he was gone and i found myself playing with the faceless child. i remember laughing and feeling delighted and this child showing me things to be discovered. It felt as though there was something i was supposed to be understanding that would be very positive for me. i woke up right after this and wanted only to go back to the dream. i wanted to keep the "positive" i was feeling.
i have spent most of the morning in memory of this dream, wondering what it meant or if it means anything at all. But i think it does. i think it emphasizes to me that this road i am on, although nameless and faceless in its future, is one that i am meant to be on. And yes it will affect more people than just me as i follow it. Hopefully they will find a way to learn from it as well, and that i can find a way to help them do so. i think i have now learned however, that most wont be able to follow me. i feel sad about that, but not so guilty as i might once have. This road has been too positive, too good for me, to stop following now.
i look forward to what else i might find :)