yesterday: previous posts ...

tomorrow: future musings ...

me: this is actually my webpage, which will need to be worked on as well, especially since i am making life-changes

email: yes, please :)

if time was moving any slower i think i would become a snail :(

     Too much time goes by between my posts lately, and i find myself missing the quiet time i indulge in when writing them. Ideas swirl about in my head, yet never get recorded, and then they are gone from my mind. i am looking forward to finally being moved and settled, so that i can carve out a niche of time for the journal, and get back to the routine of it.

     i am still overwhelmed by the enormity of what i am doing. Not "fearing" the move in the sense of it being a bad thing for me, for i know in my heart it is very right and good. i just find that my thoughts skitz around from one anxiety to another in a totally irrational way. i know that Master wants me there, and lord knows i truly do want to be there as well. Yet, i get the familiar butterflies in my tummy, rolling around, when hearing a comment like my brother said to me last night. "What happens if this doesn't work out?" he asked, and i flippantly replied, "i starve."

     i have a deep, unshakeable, belief that all of this is going to work out just fine. But i still worry. i worry that Master is going to become overwhelmed in His own way, having someone 24/7 in His house. No matter how outwardly calm He is appearing to be. i worry that i will be infringing on His personal space. i fret because i have a tendency to constantly clean things and i am discovering just how much cluttered things make me edgy. i don't want to disrupt His way of living, but i take pleasure in a bit of time spent dusting or fussing a bit in a house. i like things shiney and polished, and i like how my soul calms as i am doing this. i will often tell people it is my "best thinking time". i smiled when Master exclaimed; "it's a good thing I love you, 'cause you're changing everything in My house!" And then i worried some more, that He might be feeling pressured.

    i have always been forced into a caretaker role, so having Someone watching over me is unique and new. It is taking time to get used to. Small things, like an alarm clock being set without my having to do it or ask to ensure that it was done, is something i have to adjust to. i am just not used to being able to depend on someone else, so i find myself having to work hard at not falling into old habits. Instead of asking "have you .. did you ... are you sure?", now i struggle to hold the words in and rely on the knowledge that everything is fine.

... shadoe

December 7/99