I forget exactly how the phrase goes but I'd like to open this entry up with a famous quote. It went something like: Play me a first time and youre a fool...play me a second time and Im the fool. That's how Im feeling right about now. You see the fact of the matter is the reason I broke up with this guy in December was because I found out he was still sleeping with his ex. And when I tried calling to talk to him about it, he acted as though I was doing something wrong by questioning him while he was currently around her. When I said I loved him he didnt say it back and when I expressed my hurt and anger to him, he asked my why I was acting as though this were a soap opera. After that...I knew that I was dealing with a monster. The funny thing about monsters is that everyone knows its going to cause harm and destroy something...and this why we always shoot to kill. But this man once told me that he felt he were a monster and I was the only one to give him a flower...and of course...I fell for it. I was led to believe that he found a sense of peace with me...I was led to believe that he respected me. And when I learned the truth about everything that was going on (and Im sure I dont even know the half), I couldnt believe I didnt take everyone's word for it when they tried to reveal the monster that he truely was...when they told it was for the best that we shoot to kill. And when I found out that everyone was right...I decided to just walk away. But apparently that wasnt enough because some time later, in Febuary infact...he got in contact with me and wanted to meet up. It just so happened that he wanted to meet up with him on his birthday. *Gee* I wonder why. But stupidly, I agreed and of course once we had seen each other again...we did alot of talking and I re-involved myself with him again. Him, promising that he wouldnt lie to me again or do anything behind my back and though I admit, I didnt fully trust him...I explained to him that I would give him another chance because I know that if I were in his position, telling the truth, I would like a chance to prove it to the person I honestly wanted to be with. And so I gave him that opportunity. But obviously he didnt deserve it because one month later, in April, four days after we got engaged, he fucked his ex again. And I just cant do it anymore. I cant give him the benifit of the doubt. I know now that he's not in love with me. And I cant honestly say that he respects me in the least. So I broke up with him. But to make matters worse, Im pregnant. Its funny because I used to have these dreams that I was pregnant with his child, before I actually became so, and in those dreams the baby would always be born as half demon...I never understood why. And after I broke up with him the first time whenever I dreampt of having a child with a future partner...the baby would always come out as a healthy human baby. I can only really guess but maybe it was a HUGE sign that he was no good for me... or the child I would bare if I were with him. And here I am now...in the exact position I dreampt of months ago. I am so tired of people being such assholes when it comes to me. And my trying to forgive them and understand them has only been making things worse. You see Im not the type of person to just give up on someone, but when they're only bringing me down and not trying to work with me at all...I just gotta let go, you know? And so once again...Im in this alone. My family and I dont get along...and my best friend stop living up to that title when he raped me years ago. I really think that at this point, Im starting to malfunction. I feel like I really need help but my pride wont let me ask. And I honestly dont think everything can be fixed. I really really hate him and whats more is that I hate myself. I think too many good aspects of what makes me who I am, has been wasted on non-deserving people. And I hate that I can sometimes be weak enough to cry about it. And I hate that I can be weak enough to not just move on and stop wasting my time. And I hate that I have any reason to hate myself at all...but I do. And I've never truely hated before now. And a small part of me can honestly say that I dont want him happy or sucessful. And I can only hope that the next one can see right through his ways and not ever want to deal with him. This may seem a bit fucked up, but at times I imagine future converstaions with friends and whatnot, possibly speaking of our ex's, and me completely denying ever having had been with him. And this wouldnt be to rub it in his face or anything...this would simply be because that relationship is now a complete embarassment. Truth be told, as beautiful as I am (and I dont just mean physically), he really never deserved me. I mean hell... when he first made me aware that he was interested in me...he was stepping on his very own best-friend's toes. And when I politely turned him down...years later he approached me while he was involved with someone...stepping on his very own girl-friend's toes. At the time I really didnt put all of this together but now I see that he has no respect for anyone. Why would I think he would ever respect me? Truth is...he doesnt. And though it be a shame that Im not happy with him...at least Im no longer hurting because of him. Now all I have to do is decide what Im going to do with this baby.
Posted by adroit_deviant
at 1:06 PM EDT