Whoa is Me
Yesterday I came to see *this guy* and things went great. I really love him, but this I cant possibly express...at least not to a degree he can understand. To be honest, I dont think I understand it sometimes myself. In any case, he's a fucking genius and I love his mind. I cant help but wonder all of the glorious thoughts that reside in that realm of randsome. Anyway, I had a great time and it bothers me that I wont be seeing him for some time. Im leaving for school tomorrow and Im really gonna miss him. I planned not to come back until I graduated but perhaps I'll change my mind about not visiting on week-ends. After all, I do want to see him, I just didnt expect him to walk back into my life afer everything, you know?

Monkey's Always Look
Today out of no-where, I thought of my first love and I felt bad. I admit, I made some bad decisions and it was me who also broke up with him *go figure*. Sometimes I wonder what level of hell I deserve for doing what I did. He had a best friend who later became his rival and I somehow managed to get them back together. Yet after they rekindled their relationship I participated in the writting of a letter with his friend that spoke of what he'd like to do with me, which resulted in us going into the hallway while he was asleep, and me honestly not being able to go through with doing anything. Truthfully, I never cheated on him. But years later, when I did move on, it was to that friend. And I was thinking, I never meant to hurt him the way I did. I really wish I couldve lived up to how he perceived me when we first met...The way I was before I became tainted by indulging in unecessary love. Though I wont deny my feelings...I made a huge mistake by denying his. And Im so sorry... Im really so sorry...

Liar Liar
Some time ago, there was a guy in my life...lets call him Guy X. Well, he and I got along great and I even asked him to promise we'd be friends forever. I mean, I truly respected this guy. In any case... he ended up raping me. After that...I grew nausous of certain things...the smell of him on my clothes, the sound of his voice, the look in his eye. Which is odd because before the incident, I always told him he had scary looking eyes...I suppose I found out why. It must've been some kind of intuition of sorts...knowing without knowing. But perhaps I shouldnt have over-looked it. In any case, I left him alone and somehow, we ended up back in each others lives. I had gone through alot recently, more so spiritually, and learned the art of forgiveness. So we spoke about alot I had on my mind...things I wanted to express back then that I hadnt ever before... to anyone. He agreed that he did rape me and said he was sorry for doing so and after some time I thought perhaps he was tempted and therefor he lost a certain battle. But being that we're all tempted I tried to understand and eventually, I told him that I forgave him. Now Im thinking that it wasnt such a good idea because the other day...he tried it again. The last we spoke I told him : "You ever think that if you're going rape someone (as evil as that is), to at LEAST put on a condom so they wouldnt have to deal with having the rapist's child or having to go through with an abortion on top of the fact that they've just been raped....?" And no, I wont forgive him this time...I shouldnt have the first. He wasnt truly sorry.

Stuck on Stupid
Alright, perhaps Im in a stage of shock right now. I ended up going through with seeing *this guy* and to my surprise it went better than I expected. We spent his birthday together and had a wonderful time. So much so that he asked me to spend the night and I agreed. To my surprise, he was such a respectable gentleman. We had a few light drinks, talked all night, slept next to each other and he didnt try a thing. Alright, I admit...we did kiss. But it felt so very right and nothing about it was explicit. I woke up in his arms and the sun light warmly shining on his face made for a most beautiful morning. Once again we spent the day together and we indulged ourselves in the words of Boys II Men, Jill Scott, Indie Arie, and other soul-full music. We expressed ourselves...verbally and otherwise and eventually I decided to go home as to not get too carried away. I had a fine two days and thought I should leave it on a good note...a respectable good note.

"Not Everything is that Simple and Clean"
Its been almost 2 months since the last he wrote and almost 3 since the last we've talked. Infact, the last we've seen each other was also about 3 months ago...the day of our break-up...the day I said I wanted nothing more to do with him. My life has much since improved and I cant help but notice how much more focused I am. Everything seemed to be going fine and the natural order of things returned to its normal pace...and then yesterday he gets in contact with me...and the world around me slowed down. So much so, I had to give it a bit of a push to remind myself not to stop. To make a long story short, we spoke for hours and he asked to meet up with me. He claims he wont be doing anything for his birthday and says I'd be the perfect gift. *Seems more like the perfect drug if you ask me* Apparently things arent working out as well as he'd like them to and it appears as though he's resorting to me for lack of having something better to do. In any case, for reasonings of it being his birthday, which only happens once every four years, and not to mention, I do miss him, I agreed. However, Im not sure that was the best idea. Infact, if I were giving a friend advice on this situation I'd tell her not to go. But I guess I always was the type to give good advice and yet not take it.

*Hot Chicks Rule*
I saw *this chick* on Valentine's Day weekend and altogether she's given me 6 pairs of jeans that fit perfectly! She really just hooked my wardrobe up. *I like her* Also, we hung out this week-end as well...drove to New York and for the first time I had Japanese Food. I had a nice time and I really like her spontaneity. I mean, how could you not like someone who drives to another state just to get something to eat. And it turns out we have more in common than I thought. We share similar experiences that not too many people can relate too. Personally I think it'd be cool if we hung out more often but I want to wait until I finish school and start making money thats more expendable. I already have ideas of what I'd like to buy her and places we can go. I just hope she's still around for when I get out.

I told her no thanks
Today my 8 year old niece asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with her. She proceeds to tell me its called: "The Color of Friendship" I then told her: "No thanks...I already know what color it is. Black, Red and...wait are tears Blue or Clear? In any case, I suppose the color of tears dont matter when you force them not to show." Ok Ok...I admit I only told her the first line. I think the second and third one would have either confused her or creeped her out. To be honest...half the thoughts I think are either Rated PG or Miscellaneous. Sometimes I blurt out random comments for the hell of it, but often I hold back because I dont want people reading too deeply into them. I have a weird sense of humor and I think they might mistake that for me needing counciling of sorts. Oddly enough, after I simplify whatever I've just said, my niece finds my humor remarkably astounding. *Maybe there's hope for her yet*

Placebo: Pure Morning
Alright so I met this 21 yr. old Korean female who's about my size...maybe 5'4, long dark hair, full lips, chinky eyes, and Americanized...really cool girl. From the moment we were introduced I knew instanty she was feel'in me from first glance. I admit, I had been with a female before but solely for the purpose of being attentive to my boyfriend at that time. So knowing that she wanted me did make me feel bit uncomfortable being that I hadnt been with a girl for purposes of attraction. But overall, I wont deny her beauty or the feeling of my own flattery. I had spent both X-Mas and New Years at her house and before that, Thanks Giving (to which she prepared a wonderful dinner), so I havent known her for that long but it has been a few months. Well anyhow, this weekend she invited me to go to the meadow lands with her and bet on some horses. I went and I actually had a nice time. (She even won every bet she placed). We had a few drinks and went back to her house, talked for a bit, only to later decide to partake in the playing of Truth or Dare Jenga. Well, I wont get into detail about all of what happened, but lets just say if someone were to ask me about having been with a female by personal preference and for my own satisfactions...I'd definitely mention her. I dont mean to boast or anything, but for that being my first Bi encounter...it was hot...and Im glad it was with her. It sucks that I honestly dont remember anything afterwards, when I passed out, but she did manage to get me into some pajamas. *she's nice that way* I woke up the next morning feeling more drunk than ever, which personally I enjoyed, not to mention the smirk I had across my face. *you know the one* ...... *oh yeah you know the one*

Free Me
I left for a few days and didnt tell anyone where I was going. I finally came home today only to be welcomed back with an argument about why the house isnt clean. *Glad I was missed* Its funny because I particulary go out of my way to not eat their food, stay in my room, making no sound, not listening to the radio, nor watching tv, only coming out to occupy the bathroom, and making sure not to touch or dirty anything. Yet still, they will try and find a way to somehow blame me for everything. "Adroit, the house is a mess, its your fault.", "Adroit, my kid is a reck, its your fault!", "Adroit, my boyfriend gave me crabs, its YOUR fault!!!" You know, I really wouldnt be surprised if they told me I was inhailing too much of their oxigen and insisted on giving me a brown paper bag to breathe into. Or hell, why not just put plastic over my face? Put an end to this misery, their's and mine. *Someone Free Me...Hell, Free Us All*

Guns Can Be Useful
Last night I over-heard my brother (the uncle of the boy) giving my nephew a general lecture. Not only that, but my brother doesnt know how to hold back or summarize. A five minute conversation in his mind is actually 5 hours in real time, and for him thats the norm. So you could imagine what kind of hell my nephew was going through. Seeing no signs that this would end, I decide to rescue the kid. I politley intervene and decide to make my brother aware that sometimes less is more.I explained that the boy, just like everyone else, respects him and therefor doesnt interrupt or say whats on his mind. However he shouldnt take that respect for granted. Also my brother tends to view my nephew's father, our other brother who was never there for his children, as a low-life. And with this perception, he dared to compare my nephew to him! Personally, I knew he had crossed the line and I'd be damned if I allowed him to get away with that. So I told him about his self and he then gets pissed off and starts arguing me, making a remark about me being a female needing to learn my place and jesturing as if he could put me there by threatening my life. Of course, I found this statement to be pathetically incongruous, so I essentially told him that only an insecure man would feel threatened by a strong female and that I wouldnt give him the satisfation of supposing I were his rival. Truth be told, he is in no condition worthy of being my nemesis. We engaged in quarrel for some time and when it was finally over, he comes back and shows both my nephew and I a sheet of notebook paper with my name on his "Shit List"...Sama Bin Laden and Saddam Housein taking second and third place. *sigh* Just another day in the life...