Jon Polacheck wrote Sun 2/16/14 @11:16 CST:

The weather rock froze, cracked and disintegrated."  So the
forecast is the end of the world?

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 2/16/14 @01:33 PST:

I shall miss the weather rock. :(

And the world as well, may we presume?  We'll get another one (an-
other weather rock, that is, if the world does not end).  – Editor

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 2/16/14 @01:26 PST:

That has to be the absolute dumbest news from Indiana you
have ever reported.  What dumb fuck wrote that slogan?!

Some honest Injun, we reckon.  – Ed.


Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 2/16/14 @01:43 PST:

Other reports quoted the zoo director saying they could not
send the giraffe to either of the two zoos that offered to take
him because both had a history of selling animals to circuses,
which is forbidden under the charter of the home zoo.

Keith Durbin wrote Mon 2/17/14 @10:34 CST:

There were only three pupils in Wheatley's class at St.
John in Sunfish.

An ambulance driven by a fireman  (who volunteered so the regu-
lar driver could assist the other paramedic in keeping the 72-year-
old heart attack patient alive on the way from her  home  in  Edin-
burgh to the hospital in Columbus) crashed into a sheriff's car park-
ed at a Columbus intersection to block traffic.  The fireman, anoth-
er fireman aboard and the two paramedics were injured; the patient
died (but later, in the hospital, of her heart attack, not of injuries suf-
fered in the crash – they said). . . .

A bill was moving through the state legislature to impose a  moratori-
um on the construction of new nursing homes in concern over "flood-
ing of the market." . . .

The state's Supreme Court  suspended  the  operation  of  the Clark
County Circuit Court drug treatment program. . . .

The LaGrange County Sheriff's Department gave  "meritorious ser-
vice" awards to the dispatchers who advised an abducted Michigan
woman to lock herself inside a restroom at a convenience store.

                                                            [courtesy Columbus Republic]

The woman who drove her car through the glass front doors of a
Kroger supermarket in Elizabethtown was indicted for attempted
murder.
                                    [courtesy Elizabethtown News-Enterprise]


    

Shaida Kuchenbrod, of Mystic Hips Belly Dance, does 'Over the Rainbow' at a Southwest Community Ministries barbecue supper at St. Paul's Catholic Church in Pleasure Ridge Park, a suburb of Louisville (photo for the Courier-Journal by Amber Sigman)

A Legislative Research Commission employe was fired for appear-
ing in a campaign commercial for Alice-in-Wonderland's Groin.

                                            [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

A glass floor allowing visitors to see classic Corvettes in a sinkhole
in a museum in Bowling Green was discussed as an  alternative  to
removing the vehicles, which fell in two weeks ago.

                       [courtesy Park City Daily News of Bowling Green]

The state Historical Society approved a  highway  marker  for the late
Grandpa Jones near his birthplace in Henderson County, but it will be
a lot more than eight miles from Louisville.

                                                [courtesy Louisville Business Journal]

A preacher died of snakebite in a serpent-handling sermon  in  Middles-
boro. After the funeral, which was held at a mortuary, the preacher's 21-
year-old son led a small group back to the church to handle snakes.

    [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader; WBIR-TV, Knoxville, Tennessee]

The state's House of Representatives passed a bill making it a felony to
publish a mug shot to a web site and then demand money for its remov-
al  (the law would not apply to jails and news media  that  "legitimately"
publish mug shots). . . .

more here: http://www.kentucky.com/2014/02/19/3097835/websites-that-demand-money-to.html#storylink=cpy

Lexington's most wanted: Natasha Terry, BF, 35, 5'4", 160 lbs; Elizabeth Kendrick, WF, 26, 5'3", 175 lbs

                                                                                                              [courtesy Herald-Leader]

"If you fire a gun, you'd better fucking hit somebody."
                                                                                               – Jon  Stewart,  on  the
                                                                                                  Michael Dunn verdict

"Senator Ted Cruz continues to redefine the word 'shameless'."
                                                                                                         – Eugene Robinson,
                                                                                                            Washington Post

"I've . . . not only see[n] a doctor but a vet, and both have confirmed I'm not a reptile… .
 I've never been in a spaceship,  never been in outer space,  and my tongue's not overly
 long, either."
                          – John Key, prime minister of New Zealand, denying that he is a space reptile

"The pilot went to the toilet."
                                               – Geneva airport chief executive Robert Deillon, explaining
                                                  how an Ethiopian Airlines copilot hijacked his own plane

"There's nothing too good for the poor."
                                                                           – Leonard Simon

Dakota Fanning, 20
Charlotte Church, 28
Paris Hilton, 33
Molly Ringwald, 46
Hana Mandlikova, 52
Patty Hearst, 60
John Travolta, 60
Juice Newton, 62
Cybil Shepherd, 64
Yoko Ono, 81
Mar ni Nixon, 84
Bloody Mary, Queen of England (1516-1558)
Saint Jadwiga, Queen of Poland (1374-1379)

The Belgian Senate voted to allow euthanasia of children.
. . .  A member of India's parliament pepper-sprayed his
opponents in debate. .  .  .  Biochemists  concluded  that
Caucasian ear wax smells stronger than  East  Asian  ear
wax. . . .  A Utah mom bought all 19  "indecent" T-shirts
on display at a PacSun store at a mall in Orem for $567,
in order to keep other members of the public from wear-
ing them  (she said she plans to return them later, toward
the end of the chain store's 60-day return period). . . . A
10-year-old boy in Dokka, Norway,  took the family car
for a joy ride and  when  stopped  by the cops told them
he  was  a  dwarf  who had forgot his driver's license.  A
week later he took off in the car of a  relative  the  family
was visiting and drove for 30 kilometers.

       [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Snopes, Huffington Post]

The sports:

On a trip to California to announce federal drought relief, Presi-
dent Obama played golf at two of Coachella Valley’s 124 cour-
ses, which collectively consume 17 per cent of the region’s wat-
er. . . .

Nadezhda Tolokonnilova  and Maria Alyokhina,  whether  or
not they remain members of Pussy Riot,  managed to pop Pu-
tin's bubble at the winter Olympics by being beaten and whip-
ped by Cossacks  as they demonstrated at Sochi.  Madonna
stripped in support in Moscow.

Here's the absolutely worst jazz performance of the century: It's
"What A Little Moonlight Can Do," by Cecile McLorin Salvant
(it's on Spotify.com, which means you will have to have a Spot-
ify account or a Clutterbook Facebook account  to  listen  to it;
and you'll have to listen to the entire  8 minutes and 15 seconds
of it to appreciate how truly  awful  it  is – but a couple of min-
utes will give you a pretty good idea).

Maybe they can sign her up for the national anthem at the Nati-
onal Basketball finals in June.  It's  too  late  for  the  NBA All-
Star game last Sunday, where the national anthem was not sung
but was played on  the  guitar  by Gary Clark Jr. (it was neither
bad enough nor good enough to listen to, but you can find it on
YouTube if you must).

I played cards on line the other day against a player whose
"screen  name"  was  "loveemorleaveem."  What does that
mean?
                                                                    Spadesplayer

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 2/9/14 @08:30 PST:

Congressman Michael Grimm has issued an apology,  sort  of,  for
threatening to break a reporter in two and throw him off a balcony.
But he may have other problems to worry about as the threatened
journalist is reportedly the favorite nephew of a Mafia don.

Remember the "Amber Waves of Grain" on Hoosier license plates in the
1990's?  The new "brand" announced by the state tourism department is
"Honest to Goodness Indiana."
                                                                    [courtesy Columbus Republic]

James Dean Inc. sued Twitter in Hamilton County for allowing users to
display the Grant County - born actor's image in their tweets.

                                                                        [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

  

Frog in the holler: What appears to be smoke rising from Cow Hollow in Edmonson County actually is a cloud settling into the hollow (Tabloid Headlines photo)

A sinkhole opened beneath the National Corvette Museum in Bowling
Green swallowing eight classic cars, including a 1962 Black Corvette.

                                                            [courtesy WBKO-TV Channel 13]

Lexington's most wanted: Lilia Ridgell, HF, 55, 5'5", 135 lbs

                                                                  [courtesy Herald-Leader]

• Suzy Bogguss is a pretty good singer, but she's no Patsy Cline (or Willie Nelson).
• Vince Gill is a pretty good singer, but he's no James Taylor (or George Jones).
  
• Suzy Bogguss is a pretty good singer, but she's no Gillian Welch (or Emmylou Harris).
• Vince Gill is a pretty good singer, but he's no Hank Thompson (or Leon Russell).
• Rhonda Vincent is a pretty good singer, but she's no Connie Smith (or Loretta Lynn).*
• Here's a song Suzy Bogguss sounds a lot better on.
• Here's a song Vince Gill sounds a lot better on.
• Here's a song Rhonda Vincent sounds a lot better on.

* This one's a ringer: Rhonda Vincent was not on the show
   (but she has been on Prairie Home Companion, a lot).

"The legal fight between the estate of James Dean and Twitter cannot be told in
 140 characters."
                                  – Tim Evans, in the Indianapolis Star

"My hotel has no water.  If restored, the front desk says, 'Do not use on your face because
 it contains something very dangerous.' "
                                                                      – Stacy St. Clair, Chicago Tribune reporter at Sochi

"If Boehner spilled gravy on his tie, he'd probably blame
 Obama."
                                                                                             – Eugene Robinson, Washington Post

"Pretty impressive tradecraft."
                                                     – Victoria Nuland, U.S. Assistant Secretary of State, whom
                                                        the Russians bugged saying "Fuck the EU" on her cell phone

"Fuck the EU."
                                – Victoria Nuland

"I'm a numbnock without a microphone, but I can send e-mail:  Wheatley will eventually
 cry out in the middle of the night."
                                                                        – Keith Durbin, "seventh son" of Sunfish

"You may hear me cryin', but I'm not dyin'."
                                                                       – Leonard Simon, third in his class at St. John School

Sarah Palin, 50
Sheryl Crow, 52
John Ellis ("Jeb") Bush, 61
Carol Lynley, 72
Sergio Mendes, 73
Gerry Goffin, 75
Annabelle Battistella ("Fanne Foxe"), 78
Burt Reynolds, 78
Kim Novak, 81

Josh White (1914-1969)

An 18.2-foot Myanmartian python was found and killed
in the Florida Everglades. . . . A statue of a middle-aged
man walking through the snow in his sleep wearing noth-
ing but Jockey  underpants  was installed on the campus
of  Wellesley College,  still only for women.  .  .  .  West
Virginia water customers were billed for  (a) toxic water
they could not use and (b) water they had to use to flush
their pipes after the contamination alert was lifted (a pro-
test group presented counter-invoices  for bottled water
they had bought during the crisis). . . .  The two recently
freed members of  Pussy Riot  dropped out of the band
(or were they  kicked  out?  And when did "Nadezhda"
become "Nadia"?) . . . Three persons were arrested for
stealing 90 bronze vases from Long Island grave sites to
sell for scrap (apparently not crematory urns - the perps
were not charged with  kidnapping  human  remains  for
ransom – but, that's an idea!). . . . Russian police arrest-
ed 37 people protesting the occupation of the Caucasus
as other workers  killed  stray dogs  and painted brown
grass green. . . . The Canadian rock band Skinny Puppy
billed the U.S. $666,000 for using their recording to tor-
ture prisoners at Guantanamo. . . .  Twenty-one  suicide
bombers in training in Iraq and the instructor died  when
the instructor accidentally detonated his belt. . . . Mamo-
ru Samuragochi, "Japan's Beethoven," was found to have
had compositions ghostwritten, and accused of not being
deaf. . . . Reporters Without Borders dropped the United
States  to  46th  in its ranking of countries for freedom of
the press,  leaving the U.S. between Romania  and  Haiti.
. . . An Ohio woman legally changed her name from Shei-
la  to  Sexy  ("But you're not,"  a clerk said she heard the
Judge mutter as he granted her petition). . . . Marius, a 2-
year-old giraffe, was executed at the Copenhagen zoo to
prevent inbreeding and fed to the lions in front of school-
children  (apparently the ancient practice of  gelding  has
not yet been heard of in Denmark,  nor the newer practi-
ces of selling and donating to other zoos, nor "rewilding").
. . . The axolotl was feared extinct.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Huffington Post, Raw Story, AP]

Whenever I invite my siblings over  for  a  family  dinner,
one sister waits until the very last minute  and then brings
another person.  This isn’t some informal buffet; it's a sit-
down dinner.  In order for everyone to have a seat and a
place setting,  I expect to have an accurate head count in
advance.

But my sister does this every single time.  Last night,  she
brought her daughter's boy friend.  I do not have a lot of
chairs in my house, and my father had already brought ex-
tras.  Since I didn’t know this boy friend was coming,  all
the chairs  were  accounted  for,  along with the necessary
plates and silverware. Worse, they arrived before another
couple,  and took one of the seats intended for them.  My
niece didn't even bother to apologize that she had brought
an uninvited guest without informing me.

I am sick of this rude behavior.    When I invite my family
members,  I always ask for an RSVP,  whether by phone,
e-mail or text.  I also always have been open to including
any of the young adults bringing friends,  as  long  as they
let me know ahead of time. I wanted to tell this niece she
and her boy friend could stand, but I scrambled and used
a piano bench as a seat so everyone had a place.

What I want to know is,  as the hostess,  am I allowed to
make  specifications  regarding  attendance in my home?
How do I handle this?
                                                        Tired of Rude Family

Bob Costas missed three days of winter Olympics coverage
on NBC with pink eye.

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 2/2/14 @05:03 PST:

Drat.  According to the official website, I'm too old for
Latuda.  Better try Nancy Whisky.

A  Catholic  priest  who exorcised a family living in a haunted house in
Gary acknowledged getting movie and TV contracts on the matter but
didn't disclose the terms ("Standard deal," he said) – and the producer
of the Travel Channel's Ghost Adventures show bought the house.

                                                                              [courtesy USA Today]

State excise police cited bars in Griffith, Hammond and Crown Point
and a Moose lodge in Attica for  permitting  gambling  on  the  Super
Bowl. . . .

A murderer escaped from prison in Michigan and abducted  a  woman
at a gasoline station but let her use the restroom at a convenience store
in  Middlebury,  Indiana,  where she called police on a cell phone  and
was advised to lock herself in.
                                                                [courtesy Columbus Republic]

A 52-year-old woman drove her car through the front doors of a  Kroger
supermarket in Elizabethtown sending glass, metal, groceries and cash reg-
isters flying, coming to rest in a checkout lane, and repeating her crash into
another E'town Kroger 15 years earlier.

                                                    [courtesy Elizabethtown News-Enterprise]

A "person of interest" came forward in the case of a Pomeranian leashed
to a rock with duct tape on a frozen pond in Jessamine County.

                                                                      [courtesy Jessamine Journal]

An evangelist from Adair County,  Kentucky,  was fined for disturbing the
peace with his amplified preaching at a street fair in Franklin, Tennessee. . . .

A floating restaurant in Covington broke loose – again – and floated down
the Ohio River to a bridge. . . .

Lexington's most wanted: Taylor Stallard, WF, 21, 5'2", 175 lbs; Devin Lovette, BM, 23, 5"10", 150 lbs; Ann Lee Ault, WF, 28, 5'0", 150 lbs

Robert Estes, wanted for failure to register as a sex ofender, was recognized at Lexington's Best Buy, where he was getting his stereo repaired, as someone who had appeared in the "Lexington's most wanted" column (police were called and he was arrested)

                                                                                                [courtesy Herald-Leader]

A female parole officer was charged with rape, sodomy and official miscon-
duct for having sex with a released inmate at a halfway house in Louisville
and threatening to send him back to prison if he broke up with her. . . .

Senator Mitch McConnell was trailing Secretary of State Alice-in-Wonder-
land's Groin in his re-election bid 46-42 in a poll. . . .

The U.S. bobsled team at the winter Olympics includes a 31-year-old sprint
coach from Kentucky's Georgetown College who  hates  cold  weather  and
foreign food.
                                                            [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Ken Ham,  founder of the "Creation Museum" in northern Kentucky,  com-
pared Bill Nye "the Science Guy" to Eve for offering fruit from the "Tree of
Knowledge."
                                                                                        [courtesy Raw Story]

"I am a marked person."
                                             – Amanda Knox

"We have our fingers crossed that nothing happens, if anything."
                                                                                                            – Bob Costas

"You can drink 'em pretty."
                                                 – Leonard Simon

Leonard was quoted in "quotations of the week" the last two Sundays, and it is our hope now that "quotations of the Wheat" will become a regular feature of Tabloid Headlines. Leonard is the Wheat – he has been known as Wheatley since he was a child, on account of his shocking blond hair (get the pun?). He is known also as the "Son of Sunfish" – "where the women are strong, the men are good-looking, and the sheep are excited."

"If there's anybody here who knows why these two should not be wed . . . "

Retief Goosen, 45
Natalie Cole, 64
Melanie, 67
Mia Farrow, 69
Fabian Forte, 71
Carole King, 72
Mamie Van Doren, 83
Zsa Zsa Gabor, 97

The Air Force suspended 92 officers at a base in Montana
for cheating on their ballistic missile launch proficiency test.
. . . Congressman Michael Grimm (R-N.Y.) threatened to
break a reporter in half and throw him off a balcony at the
State of the Union address. . . . Drug addicts arrested for
breaking into an Italian church stole  and  lost  a reliquary
containing a blood-stained shred of clothing worn by the
late Pope John Paul II. . . . Pope Jorge blessed a parrot
owned by a male circus stripper. . . . The director of the
International Catholic Association of Exorcists condemn-
ed a priest for performing exorcisms over Skype. . . . A
Canadian animal rights arsonist was sentenced to read a
book by Malcolm Gladwell. . . . A high school senior in
Alabama was facing discipline for posting a "selfie" to In-
stagram in which she posed with a medical cadaver.

        [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Huffington Post, AP]

They hired a singer to sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl,
and you'd-a-thunk she'd-a-sung it right – but  she  didn't  (and Joe
Namath fucked up the kickoff coin toss). . . .

Northwestern University football players voted to form a union. . . .

Basketball hottie: Franklin County (Kentucky) High School sophomore Dasia Kilbourne (hottie) chases down Bullitt County East's Kirstie Henn (nottie) in the Louisville Invitational Tournament (the hottie's team won, 53-42) (photo by Aaron Borton for the Courier-Journal)

I was married for 21 years, until my wife decided to call it
quits four years ago.   For the past two years I have been
dating "Lois."  We don't live together.  We both have teen-
age children, and don't think living together is a good idea.
But every morning I ask myself,  should I stay, or should I
go?  I am 49 and Lois is 42.  We often argue about stupid
things.  She quickly gets over these spats, but I don't.

So, tell me:  How do I know whether it's love or just com-
panionship?
                            Need Advice

Ted Fiskevold wrote Sun 1/26/14 @11:59 CST in answer to last
week's "pop quiz":

Perry Como had the pop hit with "Seattle."  My mom was
happy that Perry was on the radio once again.  Mom loved
it when he had a bigger hit with "It's Impossible" around the
same time. We had the song around home on a Bobby Sher-
man album,  but he's not country or crooner,  although  the
TV  show  he starred in was country – about  loggers  and
brothers  and  brides,  can't remember the name of it – and
Sherman was capitalizing on that.

I don’t believe that song ever charted "country"  albeit  some
country artists probably cut it – sounds like something Bobby
Bare would have cut a cover of "Seattle" before he discover-
ed Shel Silverstein, or Geo. Hamilton might cut something like
"Seattle."  Even Johnny Cash might have covered it.  And Dean
Martin, who recorded a lot in Nashville (some completely coun-
try)  may  have  cut  "Seattle"  on one of his many albums.  But
Martin was no more classified country than Dylan was, although
Nashville crowed about and tried to claim both because they re-
corded there.

I don't think there was a country singer that had a "hit" with "Se-
attle."

The country artist who covered "Seattle" was Connie Smith. Her rendi-
tion was better than Perry Como's; but, as you suggested,we have not
found any evidence that hers ever was released as a single,  although
it was a big hit with us.  It was on her 1969 album  Connie's  Country,
which went to No. 14 on Billboard's country chart  and included her
cover hit of Gordon Lightfoot's  "Ribbon of Darkness"  (which  was
released as a single and went to No. 13 – Marty Robbins' had shot to
No. 1 four years earlier).

The TV show was Here Come the Brides – click on the "Seattle" link
above.

We've found no evidence that any of those other stars you mentioned
ever covered "Seattle"; but if you Google "Dean Martin Seattle," you
will find a construction litigation attorney in Seattle named Dean Mar-
tin.

Thanks for the memories. "It's Impossible" was a huge hit on the juke-
box  at  Andy's  restaurant and tavern,  on Hubbard Street in Chicago,
which was a hangout for reporters and editors from the Chicago Daily
News and the Chicago Sun-Times in the early '70's. Lately Andy's has
become something of a jazz venue.

Our cousin Charlie observed, about 1950,  "Perry Como could sneeze
into a microphone and make a No. 1 hit."
                                                                                                  – Editor

Publius Leget wrote Sun 1/26/14 @10:32 CST:

I was amused by Kentucky State Auditor Adam Edelen's "an
idea that's time has come" quotation of the weak  and  by  the
YouTube link in which he was portrayed as the jerk he seems
to be,  but the link did not relate to the quotation.  What's the
deal?

We found several print sources  in which his remark was corrected to
"an idea whose time has come" but did not find an audio recording of
his speech.  Our editors listened to it on the radio,  however,  several
times, before the print versions appeared,  and we can assure you he
said "that's" (or is the possessive of "that" spelled "thats", like "its"?).  – Ed.

Police investigating the burglary of an 89-year-old woman's home
in Greenfield made an arrest after following footprints in the snow
to her next-door neighbor's house.
                                                            [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Three more inmates were found to have overstayed their welcomes
at the Clark County Jail in Jeffersonville  (you  remember  Destiny,
from last week).  Jason Ray O'Connor  went in for 30 days  for  a
drug treatment evaluation but was not released for 215 days.  Ash-
leigh Hendricks-Santiago, 30,  was ordered to jail for six days last
may and was kept until October; and Amy Bennett, 36, was jailed
last August on a warrant to terminate her  from  the  drug  program
and held until December without a hearing. The director of the drug
treatment program has been fired.

                                          [courtesy Clark County News & Tribune]

Ten workers and 15 supporters marched through an unheated  Wal-
Mart  warehouse  in  Hammond  carrying signs reading,  "We  won't
freeze for freight" (doors that wouldn't close let winter winds into the
building also).
                                                [courtesy Northwest Indiana Times]


The Indianapolis Power & Light Company continued to show support
for former Colts quarterback Peyton Manning, now to play in the Na-
tional Football League's Super Bowl for the Denver Broncos, by dis-
playing the number 18  in  red lights  on its 10-story tower on Monu-
ment Circle.
                                                                                [courtesy WRTV]

Peyton Manning decided to enter the 2014 Penis With Ears and Public Hair Lookalike Contest

Lexington's most wanted: Danica Lear, BF, 32, 5'4", 175 lbs

Richie Farmer, whose uniform No. 32 was retired after he led the Uni-
versity of Kentucky basketball team to the NCAA Final Four in 1992,
will get the number 16226-032 (emphasis added) from the Federal Bu-
reau of Prisons when he reports on March 18 to serve  27  months  for
corruption as State Agriculture Commissioner (and he'll wear the num-
ber on his prison jump suit).
                                                    [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

Matt Elam, a 6-foot-6-inch, 360-pound boy who played defensive tackle
for the John Hardin High School football team near Radcliff, held a press
conference at the Hardin County Performing Arts Center in Elizabethtown
to announce that he would attend the University of Kentucky and not the
University of Alabama  (or Notre Dame,  or Ohio State).  (Les Bingaman,
who played "middle guard" in the Detroit Lions' defensive line in the early
1950's  –  the first player in the National Football League to  weigh  more
than 300 pounds – was called "the man-and-a-half."  So,  what do we call
this kid?  "Dubba Bubba"?).
                                                 [courtesy Elizabethtown News-Enterprise]

Horsies dressed for the polar vortex in Edmonson County (Tabloid Headlines photos)

"So, if you ever need info about anyone at Harvard, just ask.  I have over 4,000 e-mails,
 pictures, addresses, SNS. . . .  People just submitted it.  I don't know why.  They 'trust
 me.'  Dumb fucks."
                                                    – Mark  Zuckerberg,  in an e-mail to a friend shortly after
                                                       launching Clutterbook Facebook in his dormitory room

"My sister's not a whore; she just needs the money."
                                                                                          – Leonard Simon

"I feel like we work well together, and a union would only hinder our ability to communicate
 with one another."
                                     – "Susan," a fictional Wal-Mart manager answering a question by
                                         an employee in sample dialogues provided to store managers

"An anal flu shot is the best way to protect against the virus."

                    – medical service announcement on WBVR-FM radio, Russellville, Ky. (we think
                       she was trying to say "annual," but, you know how those hillbilly girls talk . . . )

"If a ticket price is too good to be true, it probably is."
                                                                                            – Giles Snyder, National Public Radio

A new "app" for Google Glass and I-Phone lets you look at yourself
instead of your partner while engaged in sex.

Lisa Marie Presley Keough Jackson Lockwood, 46
Mary Kay Letourneau, 52
Sam Phillips, 52 (no, not that Sam Phillips; this Sam Phillips)
Marty Balin, 72
Dick Cheney, 73
Don Everly, 77
Philip Glass, 77
Ernie Banks, 83
Carol Channing, 93

Mr. Acker Bilk, 85

White  doves  released from Pope Jorge's window by chil-
dren were attacked by a seagull and a crow. . . . A Brazili-
an race car driver on trial for mail fraud in Florida offered
into evidence a sex tape he had made with his wife, which
he said would prove that their marriage had not been for a
green card. . . . An explosion fueled by cow farts blew the
roof off a barn in Germany. .  .  . Police with a search war-
rant found 300  pythons  in an elementary school teacher's
home in Santa Ana, California. . . . School cafeteria lunch-
es,  already passed out,  were taken away from 40 pupils
whose parents were delinquent in their lunch account bal-
ances in Salt Lake City, Utah. .  .  . Pope Jorge made the
cover of Rolling Stone.

The Seattle Seahawks' star running back Marshawn Lynch, perhaps seeking
to avoid the YouTube infamy of his teammate Richard Sherman,  was  fined
$50,000 by the National Football League last month  for  refusing  to  speak
with the media and ducked out of Super Bowl Media Day  in Newark, New
Jersey,  after a six-minute appearance in the hall.  Sherman was less reclusive.

My parents divorced after 15 years of marriage.  My fath-
er remarried and passed away in 2004.  My mother remar-
ried and divorced again after 18 years;  and my stepfather,
too,  has passed away.  My mother believes that my aunts,
uncles and cousins on my father's side still are her relatives
because they are related to me. She says she is still my cou-
sins' aunt.  My  brother  adds to the confusion  by  bringing
Mom to our father's family's gatherings where  our  father's
sisters – our aunts – ignore her and our cousins ask why she
is there.  And Mom seems hurt by this.

So is Mom still a part of our dad's family?

And she has nieces by her second marriage; but she has
never included me in their gatherings,  and I don't even
know them. Are these unknown cousins relatives to me?

                                                            Child in the Middle