Okay... here I am St. Bob the Lemon Merchant, writer, and philosopher, screaming lunatic and raving madman. Why I am all of these things, I'll never know... and it makes my head hurt (I don't even like lemons). A Method to My Madness? is my humble attempt to interpret the world I see around me by relating some of the experiences and thoughts that have defined who and what I am (as frightening as some people think that is...). Before you go on, though, perhaps you should know a wee bit about myself. I'm a 25 (25!? Dear God...) year old guy born in a little coal mining town called Lynch (no, that's not a joke). Currently, I make my abode in New York... NOT the city. It constantly amazes me the vast number of people who think everyone in New York lives in the city (and carries a gun, deals drugs, etc.). Anyway, it is from here that the white tailed bunnies spy on me from afar. I don't know why, but it frightens me. The driving forces that control my life are my music (listening and playing), my writing (a bad habit, I know... but I stopped for a while and shortly found myself wandering the streets at night screaming "MEAT" at the top of my lungs *shudder*), and those lost souls that I call my friends (true masochists, each and every one... but I still love them). All that and my seemingly irrational fear of harmless rodent-like creatures... like the lemmings. They will conquer the world some day - I just know it.
Happy stuff. It's really early this September 12th, and I've got content. No longer do I have merely a front page and nothing of substance around here (yes, it's already been argued that nothing of content was ever here - gee, folks love me...). Anyway, to get yourself through here, go to the bottom of the page (to the place that says 'HI! I"LL BE YOUR TOUR GUIDE) and click away. Once you've had your fill of the lemony goodness that is I, you can skip upwards a bit and go someplace else (those places are located conveniently under IF NO ONE CARED...) and egress from there. Gosh, the more things change...
Also everlasting is the dedication of this and subsequent pages here to Kacey, who threatened me with her Tekken 3 ninja kung-fu action death grip that makes people scream and bleed if I didn't go and set up shop here on the net. Friends are kinda funny like that.
I can still be reached by ICQ if one has the burning need to do so. The magic number is 8690960. Simply type this in and promptly sacrifice a lemon unto me. That usually sends me running.
Okay, something else that really irks me - the atrocious spelling all throughout these pages. On eof these days, I'm gonna go through here and fix it all, but until then live with it. I'm a bad typist, so what? Really - I am going to fix all this (kinda wrecks all my efforts being all deep all of a sudden and have everyone think I'm a simpleton because of the spelling - I've an image to protect and stuff. Yeah right).
Um, a special note to anyone finding themselves here as the result of my leaving complete inanity in your guestbook - hi there! Um, sorry if I caused any confusion that resulted in bodily or cranial harm. I did it to confuse the bunnies during an overdose of 'Tang' substitute. I love my ceramic 'Death-on-a-Stick' thingie and would defiantly do it again, if it asked me to. What's shpool? I'll add that to the rest of the nonsense here when I feel like it. Until then, go ahead and ask. Again, my apologies - please don't burn me in effigy. I'm still recovering from the last bout. Thank you.
*New Thought - October 21, 1998*
Okay, I made an error. Stuff happens, ya know? I was driving home from someplace today when the thought struck me - I'm no writer. I'm no philosopher either. Those were probably the two most presumptuous things I've said in the past year. I'm a guy who writes. I'm a guy who ever so often thinks on a deeper level. This makes me nothing more than anything else - I am still nothing more than I ever was. Just wanted to get that off of my chest.
*September 20, 2000*
Um, at least I wrote something this year. And no, still no updates. Yes, I'm still tired. And yes, I'm still here - in some ass-backwards metaphysical sense. With any luck, I'll get ambitious and post something. And, provided I sacrifice enough fluffernutters unto my dark lord Satan (Satan loves fluffernutters), someone will actually come here and read it.
I, of course, won't be holding my breath. *thought!* Maybe if I sacrifice tellemarketers...
Oh yeah! I did spend a mind-sapping ten or fifteen minutes setting this update thingie in a chronological order that doesn't read backwards. Not that it matters, considering the nature of time (see A Method to Time and Money - it's all rather poorly explained there).
*April 14, 2000*
Added 'The Method of Child Abuse'. Probably not my best work, but that's waht you get when I write up a piece at six in the morning... ick.
*April 9, 2000*
Wow, it's been a long time since I've updated anything here. Not that I don't have anything to say, just not any inclination to post anything... maybe when the semseter ends or something. To get on with it, I've deleted 'Psyberchat Presents St. Bob', because the page has been 'Forbidden' to me for several months. That and anything I posted there could just as easily be re-posted to 'The Method of My Prose' or something. Other than that, I've still been the same overconcerned-yet-spitefully-hateful person I was when I started this thing - just more apathetic and disinterested. *January 4, 2000*
Well, the world's still here *sigh*. Just in here cleaning house before my trip back to New York. Took down the links to Neurotic Venus (she left the internet), Shepherd's Chapel (just cause), and Hermann Hates the Web (just felt like it). Changed the link to Bats in the Belfry over to Envy October... probably just in time for her to change adresses again and start up a whole new page... goody. I'm outta here.
*December 22, 1999*
Took down the links to A Method to My Religion and The Method of God and Man. Later, when Im' not so tired, I'll rewrite the whole thing and repost it - because it pleases me to do so. I'll probably try to write something about the nature of truth here, but it'll all just come out badly anyhoo... so why try?
*Decmeber 6, 1999*
Added 'The Method of Christmas', because it is the season, after all. I just hope that the rest of the world is as broke as I am...
*December 4, 1999*
Well, I'm back and running... and have been for a couple weeks.With finals n' stuff coming up (not to mention my general lazy nature), I haven't updated yet, but soon. Probably after I get to Texas sometime after the 18th I'll get into why reality doesn't exist because truth is a lie. Now isn't that exciting? *November 4, 1999*
Due to my monitor deciding to stop working suddenly and the general slowness of it's repair, A Method to My Madness is temporaroly closed n' stuff. Besides that, I just had to replace my potty, my good friend just went AWOL again, and other general unpleasentness. I should be back up and running soon... we hope.
*October 12, 1999*
Added more to 'The Method of My Music'. Of course, I should be cleaning - but why do work when you can procrastinate? I hate my life...
*September 28, 1999*
Added 'The Method of Gun Control'. Wee. Still haven't finished checking the rest of the pages for errors - that concept kinda up and died suddenly... I also, on a whim, wrote up 'The Method of Miss America' for y'all to enjoy. Now don't you feel special?
*September 7, 1999*
Continued editing the pages for spelling and grammer errors. Damn, I'm a terrible speller... Also took down 'The Method to a Method' - I never did like that section. So now it's gone. Mourn that lost, forgotten page... oh hardly concieved notion, we hardly knew ye...
*September 3, 1999*
Started editing the pages for spelling and grammer errors. What a great way to spend a Friday morning before classes... ugh.
*August 19, 1999*
Added 'The Method to My Music', to simulate doing something vaguely productive (as opposed to wasting time, which is what I really did). I feel so cheap...
*August 13, 1999*
Woo... Friday the 13th. Added 'The Method of Obscenity' after watching a documentary on Lenny Bruce and overdosing on white cheddar macaroni n' cheese. I wanna throw up...
*August 9, 1999*
Moved my prose to it's own page, under 'The Method of My Prose', and added Nothing to it (that's the name of the story - go figure). As a later note... probably an hour after, I added maybe three other stories there too. Yippee. I rock or something. Yeah.
*July 28, 1999*
Put up the link to Catzenjammer's new site, Bats in the Belfry. Probably sweated buckets... I miss winter...
*July 13, 1999*
Took down the links to 'Dark Manipulations' and 'Virtue and Vice'. Both of them seem to kinda up and died, though I think she'll be back eventually... we hope. Also put up a link to Psycho's Analysis, because it amuses me to do so. Live with it. Will probably add something else here later tonight, but I haven't decided if that'll be before or after I make a run for toilet paper... bet you all were just DYING to know that...
*May 30, 1999*
Added stuff to My Beautiful Life. Also added a link to Virtue and Vice a few days ago.
*April 24, 1999*
Added a couple things to the Dreams' section between here and there. Will probably add a new link to Ainngel's page, 'cause she was sweet enough to link mine to hers (regardless of what she said about me *eg*)
*April 1, 1999*
Added the first of my prose to the page. It doesn't have a link back to the main page yet, so use some sort of back button to escape from it. And yes, it's fiction - purely contrived. Nothing depicted in it ever happened to me. Blah blah blah, all characters are fictional, any resemblance blah blah blah, I made the whole thing up! Stop looking at me like that!
*March 27, 1999*
Nothing to add, just had a visitor to this page and feelin' giddy about it.
*February 1, 1999*
You know, I really ought to set a page for all these things... Anyways, all is screwed up. Mostly with my e-mail again, but hey. In the future, I'll be hanging at lemon_merchant@hotmail.com, mainly because Goplay sucks, Road Runner sucks, and to be frank (who I'm not, BTW), so does Hotmail - but for now it'll work. Damn the man. In other lemony news, I hit the quarter century mark this Friday. Go me. Just sitting here contemplating it makes my head spin - or it could be the music... All this and the bunnies have invaded my home (thanks to Rob and Is... ). Great little magnet thing folks. Now lets hope it doesn't try to strangle me in my sleep... =)
*January 25, 1999*
Took down the link to 'A Misanthrope's Guide to Life' - I think it is no more, and that saddens me deeply. Added links to Hermann Hates and Shepherds Chapel. Drank some liquids. Ate something. Went to the bathroom occasionally. Now aren't you impressed?
*January 18, 1999*
Just a note and a suggestion from a friend... I wrote everything here. The pictures (even the iddle baby one) are of me and are like, mine and stuff. So effectively as of now, I have an imaginary copyright in effect that covers everything on this site. Violating this will incur the wrath of my imaginary lawyers and bring an imaginary lawsuit down on your thieving head. Shame on you! Just keep in mind, I have imaginary thugs in my hire as well (damn cheap they are...). That is all. You may resume your life at your convenience. Thank you.
*December 22, 1998*
Well, I've been home for a while now... just been too lazy to let anyone know about it. Wee - yeah! New York is cold...
*November 18, 1998*
Whew... Well, for the time being, I'm here in grand 'ol Texas, visiting my mom and generally hanging out. Unfortunately, this has kinda limited my Internet access; not to mention screwed with my ability to gain access to my e-mail account. Therefore, while here I've gotten a brand-spankin' new address...
lemon_merchant@goplay.com
I don't know if I'll be using this address after I've returned from this place, I suppose we'll have to see. Oh yeah. This section used to be for my contact info, but Tripod wouldn't let me change the e-mail address. Therefore, I've decided to make this an update section of sorts - updated whenever I feel like it *thppt!*.
