The first manned Martian expedition landed on Mars, and to their amazement, they discovered that the planet was populated. The Martians were humanoid and not much different from their Neighbors on Earth.
The Expedition personnel -- 4 males and one female spent the first few days avidly discussing their various fields of expertise with their hosts. The Martians also showed great hospitality to their visitors, wined them and dined them, took them to the Mars bars. Eventually, of course, the subject of procreation was raised.
The Martians took their guests deep into their underground complex, into a room with red paneling covered in dials, switches and other controls. "Right," said one of the Martians, adjusting various controls.
"I think we should make a boy who will grow up to be tall, fair, an engineer, a good sportsman with a good sense of humor but a bit shy".
He checked his settings, punched a blue button and a few seconds later a panel in the wall opened and a basket containing a Martian baby slid into view.
Everyone, Martians and humans gathered around and gasped in wonder at the new born child. Then the Martians asked how this was accomplished on Earth. "Well," said the Expedition Leader. "If Miss Johnson would care to assist in the demonstration, I should be only too pleased to show you how it is done".
The lady astronaut was more than willing and, together, they stripped each other and proceeded to have sex. When they finished and were redressing one Martian raised a quizzical eyebrow and asked when the issue could be expected.
"Oh sorry," said the leader. "It takes nine months".
"Nine months!" exclaimed the Martian.
"Well, why all the hurry at the end?"
A young farmer couple got married, and they just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they made love, and when the husband returned home at evening they had another go - both before and after supper, and then again a few more times during the night.
The problems only happened during the day. The fields were far away from the house and the young man lost half an hour each time traveling home and back again at noon. Finally he decided to consult a friend, the town's doctor, about what to do.
"Easiest thing in the world, Homer" said the doctor. "You take your rifle out with you every day don't you? Well, when you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin', just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to come out to you. That way you won't lose any workin' time."
Homer tried his friend's solution and it seemed to work pretty well for a while. One day though, the doctor stopped by the house to pay a visit and he noticed Homer sitting alone inside looking very somber.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Didn't my idea work? And where's your wife?"
"Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said, and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then we'd find a secluded place and make love. Then Beckie'd go back home."
"So what's the problem?"
"Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of Beckie since hunting season got started..."
MEN'S 43 RULES FOR WOMEN
It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
Shopping is not fascinating.
When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
Unless the answer is yes.
In which case, can he videotape it?
If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (i.e.: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) shouldbe met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
He heard you the first time.
You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
Of COURSE he wants another beer.
The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
Dogs good. Cats bad.
Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".
"Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
He was NOT looking at that other girl.
Well, okay... maybe a little.
Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you've never looked at another guy...
He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
Two words: bl** j*b. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine.
Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
Don't hog the covers.
Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the half-time show to act upon that...
He does not just want to be friends.
A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"
A midget went into a whorehouse. None of the girls really wanted to serve him, So finally they drew lots and Mitzi was unlucky and went up to the room with him. A minute later, there was a loud scream. The Madam and all of the girls charged up the staircase and into the room. Mitzi lay on the floor in a dead faint. Standing next to the bed was the midget, nude and with a three foot cock hanging down and almost touching the floor. The girls were dumbfounded by the sight.
Finally, one of them regained her composure to say, "Sir, would you mind if we felt it? We've never seen anything like that before." The midget sighed. "Okay, honey; But only touching. No sucking. I used to be six feet tall."
Signing in Bed
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language, natch).
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." "And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"
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