Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell. The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.
The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: You're a day late.
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.
Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.
They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
BUREAUCRACY IN THE PLANET OF THE APES
1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana.
2. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result--all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
3. Turn off the cold water.If,later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.
4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a New one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.The previous Newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
7. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.
Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
"BECAUSE that's the way it's always been done around here."
SOME INTELLECTUAL FUN
Caution: this is a little long
Subject: Do you have two cows?
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of
the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes
them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You
have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you
as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The
government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone
else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You
have to take care of the chickens the government took from
the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk
and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both,
hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help
you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take
care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes
both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The
government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm
animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes
both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors
decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your
neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you
two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the
president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The
press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them
sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do
anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government
regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk
them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it
takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk
down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms
accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at
a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the
cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a
bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three
of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother - in - - law at the bank,
then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general
offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six
cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a
Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk
back to the listed company. The annual report says that the
company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is
bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government
bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt
a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government
takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the
concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo - centric,
war - mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged
(but no less valuable to society) bovines of non -
specified gender.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two
cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government
requires you to take harmonica lessons.
POLITICAL HUMOR
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House
Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car
together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them
up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away.
They all fall into a daze.
When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle,
they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard
is known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle says,"I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a
heart."
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
THE OLD ROOSTER (PG)
An old farmer decides that it was time to get a new rooster
for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an O.K.
job but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured
getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a
young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him
loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the
young one strutting around and he gets a little worried.
"So they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster,
"I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the
new bird and says, "So you are the new stud in town?, I bet
you really think you are hot stuff, don't you ? Well I'm
not ready for the chopping block yet.I'll bet I'm still the
better bird, and to prove it, I challenge you to a race
around that hen house. We'll run around it 10 times and
whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for
himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely
thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," said the young rooster, "and since I know I'm
so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap,
I'll still win easy."
So the two roosters go over the hen house to start the race
with all the hens gathered around to watch. The race begins
and the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the
first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.
after the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a
little but he is still hanging in there. Unfortunately the
old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, by
the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young
rooster.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion, he runs into the
house, gets his shotgun and runs to the barn yard figuring
a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets
there, he sees the young roosters chasing after the old
rooster. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and
blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..."Damn, that's
the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
CLINTON & THE POPE
President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and
due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to
heaven and the Pope gets was to hell.
The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked
out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged.
The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24
hours to fix the problem and correct the error
The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his
good-bye as he went off to heaven.
On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and
they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
President Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
President Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
President Clinton: You're a day late.
VALUE FOR YOU MONEY
Bill Clinton was taking a late evening jog when he
spotted a very attractive young lady standing on a street
corner. Seizing the opportunity he goes up to her and
starts a conversation. It doesn't take long for him to find
out that she is a prostitute.
"Well," says Bill, "How much do you charge?"
"One hundred and fifty dollars." she answers.
"One hundred and fifty dollars!" Bill exclaims.
"Yes, one hundred and fifty dollars." she says.
"I can't believe you charge one hundred and fifty
dollars." He says.
"Well, how much do you think it should cost?" she asks.
"About ten dollars." Bill flatly states.
"TEN DOLLARS!" she cries, "Sorry, it's one hundred and
fifty dollars."
Bill shakes his head and continues his jog.
A few days later, he is out jogging late in the evening
again, but this time Hillary decides to join him. Bill sees
that the same prostitute is standing on the street corner
again and decides to steer Hillary away from her, so they
jog on the opposite side of the street. The prostitute
however happens to see them running and yells:
"Hey, see what you get for ten dollars!!"
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but
nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the
Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed
to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President
Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and
amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little
boy a $5 bill.
President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot
of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with
the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord,
which read:
Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However,
I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through
Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
Love,
Tommy
Bill Clinton was campaigning at a old age retirement
home. He went up to a woman and shook her hand and said
"Do you know who I am?" "No," replied the old woman, "but
if you go to the front desk, they'll tell you!
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