Banana Song
Walk This Way
HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM:
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado
One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.
Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um" (or could it be Marge Simpson?)
Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in the left lane, with the left turn signal on, and making a right turn: New Mexico resident (as anyone who has ever driven through this lovely state can attest) @# Driving.txt
(thank you Zha for these jokes!)
Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
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What do a Divorce in Arkansas, and a Tornado have in common? Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
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Why do Arkansans go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? 17 and under not admitted.
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What do you get when you have 32 Arkansans in the same room? A full set of teeth.
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Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas? Everyone has the same DNA.
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Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down? Almost took out the whole trailer park.
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A new law was recently passed in Arkansas: when a couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister.
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Two Arkansans are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guess how many there are, can I have one?" "I'll give you both of them." "OK. Ummmmm...five?"
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The Arkansan and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked. "No," he replied. A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?" "No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you." ***********************************************
Redneck Etiquette
Redneck Driving Etiquette
-------------------------------- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Redneck Personal Hygiene
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Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Redneck Dining Out
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Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
Redneck Entertaining in Your Home
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Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) -
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Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go."
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
Redneck Theater Etiquette
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What¹s the theater?
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Redneck Wedding Etiquette
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Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
Redneck Etiquette for All Occasion
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Never take a beer to a job interview It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul van to the funeral home.
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