In Heat
Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage".
Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you".
Dad said, "Bring Susie over here".
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block".
Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad said, "Where's Susie?"
Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home".
CAT WISDOM
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1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: They're like little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.
JUST USE SOAP AND WATER.
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!
THE ZOO
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and
attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo
keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most
popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the
keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He
offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they
can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and
enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's
a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun
of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a
mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he
tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that
the people are paying more attention to the lion in the
cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his
audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a
partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of
course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves
it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the
mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting
the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps
going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over
the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is
so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage
with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts
screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is
quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his
back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says,
"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
THE OLD ROOSTER (PG)
An old farmer decides that it was time to get a new rooster
for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an O.K.
job but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured
getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a
young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him
loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the
young one strutting around and he gets a little worried.
"So they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster,
"I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the
new bird and says, "So you are the new stud in town?, I bet
you really think you are hot stuff, don't you ? Well I'm
not ready for the chopping block yet.I'll bet I'm still the
better bird, and to prove it, I challenge you to a race
around that hen house. We'll run around it 10 times and
whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for
himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely
thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," said the young rooster, "and since I know I'm
so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap,
I'll still win easy."
So the two roosters go over the hen house to start the race
with all the hens gathered around to watch. The race begins
and the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the
first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.
after the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a
little but he is still hanging in there. Unfortunately the
old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, by
the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young
rooster.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion, he runs into the
house, gets his shotgun and runs to the barn yard figuring
a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets
there, he sees the young roosters chasing after the old
rooster. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and
blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..."Damn, that's
the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger
noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the
glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog
asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are
supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly
doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world
would you post that sign?" "Because"; the owner replied,
"before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
A guy went to a grocery store and asked the clerk behind
the counter for 2 cans of dog food.
"Do you have a dog?" asked the clerk.
"Yes, I do," replied the puzzled customer.
"I'm sorry, sir," the clerk replied, "but you're
going to have to prove to me that you have a dog before I
can sell you the dog food."
The frustrated customer went home to get his dog and
pulled it on its leash all the way to the store.
"Here's my dog!" said the tired customer.
"Thank you, sir. Here are your 2 cans of dog food."
2 days later, the same guy returned to the same
store. He went up to the same clerk and asked for 2 cans of
cat food.
"Do you have a cat, sir?"
"Of course, I do!" said the exasperated customer.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I have to see your cat before I
can sell you the cat food."
The guy stormed out of the store, went home, grabbed
his cat, dragged it to the store and held the cat by its
tail for the clerk to see.
"Thank you, sir. Here are your 2 cans of cat food."
The very next day, the guy returned to the store
with a white shoebox with a small hole on its cover.
He approached the clerk and placed the shoe box on
the counter.
"Yes, sir, " asked the clerk, "What can I do for
you?" "
"Put your finger in the hole," ordered the guy.
"I beg your pardon?" asked the clerk.
"Just do as I said. It won't bite."
Cautiously the clerk put his finger in the hole.
"Pull your finger out and tell me what it looks
like," said the guy. The clerk pulled out his finger and
exclaimed, "It looks like shit!"
"YOU ARE DARN RIGHT. Now give me 2 rolls of toilet
paper.
THE CAT AND THE ROOSTER
There's was a farmer who had a rooster and a cat. He
also had food for the rooster and food for the cat. He was
on a boat and came to a river. He didn't want to leave the
cat with the cat food and the rooster with the rooster
food. So on one side of the river he left the cat along
with the rooster food. To the other side he took the
rooster along with the cat food. He had to go into town and
left his things on these sides. The rooster thought "I'm
hungry, I know I can jump over this stupid river and get my
damn food". So he jumped over the river and was happy on
the other side with his food. The cat saw this and thought
"I'm hungry too, if that stupid rooster can do it so can
I". The cat tried to jump over the river and fell in. The
moral of the story is: Where there's a happy cock, there's
a wet pussy!
Top 15 Reasons to Own a Cat Over a Dog (PG 13)
15. Cats purr. Dogs drool.
14. Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not
when they're horny.
13. Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.
12. In 1996, over 10,000 US deaths were attributed to a
dog owner's choking on saliva during morning wake-up licks.
11. Cats always land on their feet. Dogs just won't let
you throw them.
10. Cats let you kick them when you're stressed out.
9. Cats will wait until you've read your morning paper
before tearing it to shreds.
8. Cats look cute sleeping on the t.v. Dogs just crash
right in front of the screen.
7. Fewer cat owners suffer from 'Flappy Tail'
lacerations than dog owners.
6. No one has ever had to "Beware of the Cat".
5. Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others.
4. Cats have better things to do than stick their nose
in your crotch.
3. Cats lay on the car in the heat. Dogs in heat lay
the car.
2. Why do you think they call it, "Dog Breath?"
1. Garfield. Odie. Enough said.