There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He
lifts weights and jogs six miles every day. One morning he
looks into the mirror and admires his body and notices that
he was sun-tanned all over with the one exception of his
penis, which he readily decided to do something about. He
goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself
in the sand, except for his penis which he leaves sticking
out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach, one
using a cane.
Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she begins
to move it around with the case.
Remarking to the other little old lady, she says, "There is
really no justice in the world."
The other little old lady says what do you mean by that?
The first little old lady says,
"Look at that -
When I was 20 - I was curious about it.
When I was 30 - I enjoyed it.
When I was 40 - I asked for it.
When I was 50 - I paid for it.
When I was 60 - I prayed for it.
When I was 70 - I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80 - the damn things are growing wild and I'm
too old take advantage of it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with
me! Good Job!
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical
condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high
school instead.
Bad cop! No doughnut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my
girlfriend's nightstand.
Is it true that people become cops because they are too
dumb to work at McDonald's?
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave
me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us
does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is
no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the
trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my
gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal
and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44
magnum!
Hey, can you give me another one of those full body
cavity searches?
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THE GHOST POOPIE
The kind where you feel poopie come out, see poopie on
the toilet paper, but there's no poopie in the bowl.
THE CLEAN POOPIE
The kind where you feel poopie come out, see poopie in
the bowl, but there's no poopie on the toilet paper.
THE WET POOPIE
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels
unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your
ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those
dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE POOPIE
This poopie happenes when you've finished, your pants
are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to
poopie some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POOPIE
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poopie". You
have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple
and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN POOPIE
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG POOPIE
The kind of poopie that's so enormous you're afraid to
flush it down without first breaking it up into little
pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIUS DRINKER POOPIE
The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long
night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread
mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POOPIE" POOPIE
The kind where you want to poopie, but even after straining
your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped
and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS POOPIE
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that
comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get
splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID POOPIE
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots
out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet
bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender
poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD POOPIE
A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This poopie is so intriguing in size and/or
appearance that you have to show it to someone before
flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This poopie occurs after a lengthy period of
constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self
again.
THE RITUAL
This poopie occurs at the same time each day and is
accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS POOPIE
A poopie so noteworthy it should be recorded for
future
generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK POOPIE
This poopie has an odour so powerful than anyone
entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" POOPIE
This is any poopie created in the presence of another
person.
THE GROANER
A poopie so huge it cannot exit without vocal
assistance.
THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this poopie has
been
known to resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER
A poopie which refuses to let go. It is usually
necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion,but
quite often the only solution is to push it away with a
small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM POOPIE
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one
will
admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO POOPIE
Now you see it, now you don't. This poopie is playing
games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL
A poopie that comes as a complete surprise at a time
that is either inappropriate to poopie (ie. during
lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near
poopie-ing facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny poopie which has managed to coil itself
into a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC POOPIE
This poopie occurs exactly one hour prior to the start
of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears
a close resemblance to the Drinker's Poopie.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE POOPIE
This poopie may be of any variety but is always
deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the
passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POOPIE
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster,
often
a gift from God when you actually CAN'T poopie.
PREMEDITATED POOPIE
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
POOPIEZOPHERENIA
Fear of poopieting - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POOPIE
Also known as a "Still Going" poopie.
THE POWER DUMP POOPIE
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your
pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER POOPIE
This kind of poopie is so big it plugs up the toilet
and
it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed
the advice from the Lincoln Log Poopie.)
THE SPINAL TAP POOPIE
The kind of poopie that hurts so much coming out,
you'd
swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE"
POOPIE
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spincal Tap
Poopies.
The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer
can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time
afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE POOPIE
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just
keeps on coming. You have two chooces: (a) flush and keep
gong, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit
there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POOPIE
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the
insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" POOPIE
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look
like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit
the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" POOPIE
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of
course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom
odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and
enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE"
POOPIE
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last
cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to
smear all over the place.
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
???????????????????????????????
Disorder in the Court (Part III)
This is part of a small series of funny court scenes Hope
you enjoy it.
YOU'RE UNDER OATH
Here are some more classic Court transcripts, all recorded
by the keepers of the word in various parts of the world...
LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the
victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, after the anesthetic, when you came out of
it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in
the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg
were removed and put on top of my head.
CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty
God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the
truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me:
"Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the
truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Is that all?
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing",
"But", "The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog
of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of
golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
What are two reasons why women don't mind their own
business? 1.No mind.
2.No business.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the
TV?" and I said, "Dust!"
Why do women like intelligent men? Opposites attract.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's
sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!
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