SIGNS YOU HAVE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90s
1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.
2. If you can't order it by midnight and have it delivered by noon the next day, it is just too slow.
3. Your Stockbroker's name ends in ".com"
4. A Blind date means chatting online with someone you haven't met before.
5. Keeping up with sports means having your favorite sports teams as Bookmarks
6. Most of your books are bought online. "Real world" bookstores are now prized as your favorite cafe to hang out, work and meet people of the opposite sex.
7. Your food in the refrigerator has been there so long some, that you have received a grant from the National Institute for Health to do germ research.
8. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their efficiency
9. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
10. You find you really need Power Point to explain what kind of work you do.
11. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
12. You apologize to your friends who didn't get holiday cards from you. "Sorry, I only sent "email cards" this year, you just didn't make the cut"
13. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
14. You get most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
Ten Things That Piss Me Off!!
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the frikken ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!
8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a
choice, did ya there buddy?
9. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and
have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl
announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go
out and make
love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before,
so he takes
a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells
the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the
register, the
pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy,
a 3-pack,
10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and
all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and
meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet
my parents,
come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where
the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and
bows his
head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his
head down; 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the
boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend finally
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend: "I had no idea
you were this
religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no
idea your
father
was a pharmacist."
FUNNY ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of
receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows,
or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to
charity through the office and don't need their picture
taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number
and they will get back to you.
"You have reached WPMS - 3 weeks of blues, 1 week of
ragtime. WPMS."
You have reached 555-2435. We picked this machine up at
a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a
message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If
we don't return your call, it means the machine did not
work.
"Hi. Now you say something."
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number.
Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
This answering machine has a short attention span, and
it WILL hang up on you if leave a boring message.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia
and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd
appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name
and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective
Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the
sound of the tone, please hang up.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home
cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to
leave us a message.
You know what I hate about answering machine messages?
They go on and on and on and on, wasting your time. I mean,
all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a
message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and
short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have
to suffer through another long answering machine message
when you call me...
THE DRIVING TEST
The following are a few samples of REAL answers
received on exams given by the California Department of
Transportation's driving school (Most probably from people
who failed the first four times)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the
road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach
a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper
sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were
arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if
you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or
being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red
traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Drive like minamoto.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic
problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons
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