A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!
When his waitress arrives, he orders "Elephant nuts on rye."
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen, where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile.
"Good Morning sir. What a wonderful morning I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold site; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."
"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."
The guest replied, "Oh?,
But that's what I got yesterday!"
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar
which reads:
-----------------------------
| Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 |
| Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 |
| Hand Job: $10.00 |
-----------------------------
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he
walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three
exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an
eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help
you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the
one who gives the hand- jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want
a cheese sandwich!"
***********************************************************
THE BIRTH OF A CANDYBAR
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw
Miss Hershey
standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and
Fifth
Avenue
when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey
Sweetheart, how'd you
like to Crunch on my big Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she
immediately
went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was pure Almond Joy!
I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because
it was easy to
see that this little Twix had the Red Hots for me. It was
all I
could
do
to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up
her
tight
little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry!"
Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew
it wouldn't be
long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars and that gave
her a taste
of
the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I
said,
"hey
Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little
Reese's
Pieces,
don't be a
Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit
and
slip
it
up
your Ho-ho and i'll give you a Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a
piece
of
Juicy
Fruit
she was, too!)
She screamed, "Oh your Crackerjack tastes better than the
Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky
Road and into
her
Peanut Butter Cup.
Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the
sudden...my
Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow
Chunky and
complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine
months later,
out popped......Baby Ruth!
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