Crazy for you.
Guy, naked in front of the mirror: 'Two inches more, and I would be a king.' Wife: 'Two inches less, and you'd be a queen.'
Late one evening a drunk staggered into the YMCA and asked to be put up for the night. The arrangements were made and he staggered to his room where he found another fellow sitting on the lower bunk. "Where in the hell is the john?" the intoxicated gent asked his room mate. The roomie obligingly said; " go out the door turn left and its the first door on the right. Be careful though, he admonished, there are three stairs steps down into the room." The drunk exited the room, turned right and entered the first door on the the left, an open elevator door, sans elevator. He plummeted down the two flights to the base of the shaft, landing with a thump. Rising to his feet the drunk spat and said "To hell with those other two stairs, I'm pissin' right here!
A man was experiencing chronic infections so he took his urologist's advice and entered the hospital for a routine circumcision. When he came to, he was perturbed to see a large group of doctors standing around his hospital bed. "What's up doc?" he asked nervously. "Uh, well......there's been a bit of a mix-up," admitted his surgeon. "I'm afraid that instead of a circumcision, we performed a sex-change operation on you. You now have a very nice vagina instead of a penis." "What!" gasped the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?" "Oh, I'm sure you *will*, reassured the doctor, "only it'll be somebody else's."
A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyliis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice." Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, "You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!" Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand! They left out my office phone number!"
simpsons stones.
DON'T ASK
A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have sex with him because they all told him that his penis was too long. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can shorten it?" The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gave him directions to the witch's place. The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad story. "Witch, my penis is 20 inches long, and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?" The witch asked him to pull it out so she could have a look at it. The man uncoiled his 20-inch penis. The witch stared in amazement,scratched her head, and then replied, "I think I have a solution to your problem.
What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. You must ask the frog, 'will you marry me?' Each time the frog says 'No', your penis will be 4 inches shorter."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and, sure enough, there sat the frog on a log. He uncoiled his huge python-like penis and called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4 inches shorter! "WOW!" he screamed out loud. Then he said to himself, "This is great! But it's still too long at 16 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."
Once more he shouted to the frog, "Frog, will you marry me?". The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter! The man laughed, and shouted, "This is fantastic!" He looked down at his penis once more, and by now it was only 12 inches long, so he reflected for a moment.
"Twelve inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal," he thought. "So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more time."
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog, will you marry me?" The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head in frustration and said,"NO! NO! . . . and for the last time, NO!"
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Just do the dew
<< A DoG cALLeD *SeX* everybody i know who has a dog usually calls him *rover* or *spot*..i called mine *sex*..now sex has been very embarrassing to me..when i went to the city hall to renew the dog's license for sex..i told the clerk i'd like a license for sex..he said.. "i would like to have one too!"..then i said.. "she is a dog!!"..he said he didnt care what she looked like..i said.. "you don't understand..i had sex since i was 9 years old."..he replied.. "you must have been quite a strong boy." when i decided to get married..i told the minister that i would like to have sex at the wedding..he told me to wait until after the wedding was over..i said.. "but sex has played a big part in my life and my life revolves around sex."..he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church..i told him everybody would like having sex at the wedding..the next day..we were married at the justice of peace..my family is barred from the church then on.. when my wife and i went on our honeymoon..i took the dog with me..when we checked into the motel, i told the clerk that i wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for sex..he said every room in the motel is a place for sex..i said.. "you don't understand..sex keeps me awake at night.."..the clerk said.. "me too!" one day i entered sex in a contest..but before the competition began..sex ran away..another contestant asked me why i was just looking around..i told him that i was going to have sex in the contest..he said that i should have sold my own tickets.. "you don't understand!!"..i said.."i hoped to have sex on TV!!".. he called me a show off.. when my wife and i separated..we went to court to fight for custody of the dog..i said.. "your honor..i had sex before i was married..but sex left me after i was married..".. the judge said.. "me too!!" last night..sex ran off again..i spent hours looking all over for her..a cop came over and asked me what i was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning..i said.. "i'm looking for sex..".. my case comes up next thursday.. well..now i have been thrown in jail..been divorced..and had more damn troubles with that dog than i ever foresaw..why..just the other day when i went for my first session with my psychiatrist..she asked me.. "what seems to be the trouble?"..i replied.. "sex has been my best friend all of my life..but now it has left me forever..i couldn't live any longer..so lonely.."..and the doctor said.. "look mister..you should understand sex isn't a man's best friend..so get yourself a dog.."
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "ass cons"? Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
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Dowadidy
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two hookers and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!"
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter back from his mother: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
Love, Mom
Jokes page 0, More Sex
Jokes page 1, Sexy
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