dirty
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
* What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
* How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
* How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
* What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
* What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
* What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
* What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist
* What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
* Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
* Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
1. "69" is not an entree off of a menu at a Chinese restaurant.
2. Bondage does not mean you are making financial investments.
3. Ribbed condoms are not meant to be wrapped around your chest, they are for her pleasure.
4. It is not sex if your partner starts to deflate.
5. Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.
6. Foreplay does not mean taking hints from the homeless and begging for two hours.
7. A technical virgin is a girl who's had it in only half way.
8. Moby Dick is not a sexually transmitted disease.
9. Braces are not a form of oral contraceptive, in fact, avoid them.
10. Adultery is not the art of acting like an adult, quite the contrary.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot,
Some bastard has stolen our tent."
A recent newspaper headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone.
I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread? Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....
THE FINDINGS
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average person eats more bread than that in one month!
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
PROPOSED RESTRICTIONS
Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. A $40.2 billion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.
When I was in Hawaii some guy asked me, where I was from. Supposing he didn't know where Germany was,I answered "Europe."
He then asked, "So where in California is Europe?"
A business associate of mine was travelling to Denver to meet up with another individual for a business meeting. My associate landed at the Denver airport, but there was nobody there to greet him. Knowing only a name and a brief physical description, he began to look around for somebody fitting the description. Soon he saw a large, burly man that seemed to be close to the features described. Calmly he walked up to the large man and asked "Excuse me, but are you gay?" The large man replied very sternly "Hell no" and walked away. The name of the individual he was looking for was Gay Call. They eventually met.
While working for a country singer, we had trouble finding the venue one night. After countless efforts to find our way, we finally pulled over and asked for directions. We asked the nearest person," how do you get to Miss Kitty's?" He replied; "My uncle takes me."
One you might add to your geography screw-ups--
I detest telemarketing calls, and one in particular stands out. Someoutfit was calling to try to get me to extend my subscription to a magazine. They started by verifying my name and address. After going over my name and street address, they asked, "And you live in Foremost, New England. Correct?"
"No, buddy, it's Fremont, Nebraska. NE stands for Nebraska," I replied.
"Well," he asked sincerely, "what is the two-letter abbreviation for New England?"
I spoke with a travel agent about visiting Alaska, and she told me that I couldn't get there unless I had a passport.
My family grew up on Long Island, and my mother had never been exposed to anyone other than New Yorkers. I had a business trip to attend to in North Carolina, and she asked "Do they speak English there."
So I replied "No, They speak Southern"
At an office:
"This job is only a test
had it been an actual job,
you would have received
raises,bonuses and promotions."
-Alicia Villarrea
At my University's Student center Bathrooms:
"If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police."
-joohh
Seen on a truck:
"I am as smart as a horse
and hung like Einstein!"
-Kathryn J. Davis
Red light district in Galveston Texas. The light was on but the ladies were not home. A sign on their door read: "Closed for the weekend, beat it."
-admiralK
Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah:
"Rest Area Next Right" - the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery.
-Karen Case
A sign in the local opportunity shop says, "If your going to steal, then smile for the camera."
-Michael Silcock
While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a sign that read "Will work for food." If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly above him read "Now hiring."
-James Kelly
A sign on the back bar - Earl's Bar-Indiana "A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey's monkey."
-Jorj Maharg
"Caution: objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers education."
-LTLRDNK
What is the difference between a Certificate of Deposit & Intercourse ?
A CD has significant penalty for early withdrawal
How many gnats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but the real question is how did they get in there?
What does Santa call reindeer that are afraid to fly?
DINNER
What do you get when you mix Rogaine and Viagra?
Don King
Where does Spock go to the bathroom?
The Vul-can.
What did the sadist do to the masochist?
Nothing.
USEFUL THOUGHTS
- by Will Snyder
The greatest political concept of the twentieth century is that of Stalinist Communism. People ask me why, and I shoot them. Pretty basic concept.
If a man speaks in a forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
I doubt the existence of a benevolent god when we have things like soap operas, fast food, and Oprah.
Is there a meaning to life?
Sure, but it probably has something to do with corned beef.
How can there be incompetence in the world?
They don't teach it in schools.
There are times that try men's souls,
like after eating at a Mexican restaurant.
Don't eat vegetables because insects use them as Their love pads, and who knows what kind of STDs They're carrying.
Never date philosophy majors, my last girlfriend was one And she spent her time proving I didn't exist.
Funny signs
Advertised on the side of a city bus:
"Thinking about committing suicide? Perhaps we can help."
-Mario Peralta
Written above the toilet roll dispenser in a male cubicle at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia was: "Arts Degrees - please take one."
-Chris Drenen
I was in downtown Pittsburgh, PA at Christmas time and there was a sign on a big Catholic Church that said "Closed for the Holidays".
-Heather Null
Every Sunday, driving south on Oracle Rd. from the Biosphere 2 center to the nearest grocery store, my friends and I see a sign proclaiming
"State prison. Do not stop for hitchhikers." For the past month a old scruffy gentleman in raggedy clothes has been thumbing for a ride on the same road. Unbelievable, he stands right in front of the warning sign.
-Meredith Wallace
At a Pub in Australia:
Sexual harrassment will not be prosecuted. However, it will be graded.
-Philip D. Steffe
On a resent trip to South Africa, I was passing through a town called Port Shepstone - when I stopped at a Toyota garage to fill up with petrol and to use the mens' room. When I approached the public convenience rooms I was startled to find three doorways, the one on the left was marked "Gentlemen" and the one on the right marked "Ladies". rather curiously the one in the middle was marked "Spare parts" !
-Graeme Atkinson
Sign on state detention center visible from traffic crawling along a Boston Interstate: "If you had broken the law, you'd already be home!"
-Oliver Finney
Sign in front of an auto junkyard on Malta: "We Have Japanese Body Parts!"
-James Bell
In a pub toilet in Llanelli, west Wales: "Yesterday, the bottom fell out of my world, so I drank 8 pints of Felinfoel Ale and this morning, the world fell out of my bottom."
-Haydn Croft
On an older compact car was the bumper sticker: "This car is constipated, it can't pass anything"
-Lawrence & Susan
If you get an envelope from a company called the "Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT!
This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects.
This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind. These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!
Please copy this envelope in triplicate according to the guidelines of the "Paperwork Augmentation Act" of 1999 and then tear up all three of these envelopes a hundred pieces and send the pieces to the following address:
IRS, "FORM 1040 - NOT EZ" - Rejected Refunds Division Office 1600, Room 412, Cubicle 13, Desk 7, Filing Cabinet 6, Drawer 3, Space 62, Folder 5
Washington, DC 20000-0000
"FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW WHO DOESN'T WANT TO PAY TAXES"
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