Q. Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
A. They all have phones.
A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready. The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says, "Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin."
The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his father's house. When he gets there, his father says, "Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon!"
The son says, "Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin!"
"God, son! You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as heck isn't good enough for ours!"
A Month
A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man said, "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
The bartender said, "That should make you happy." The man said, "Not if the month is up today!"
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it ] ] Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you... ] ] Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. ] ] How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." ] ] How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There's a clock on the stove! ] ] Why don't women fart? Because they can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up the pressure. ] ] Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're gonna want to shoot it... ] ] If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
them apart... ] ] What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told... ] ] I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ] ] I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her... ] ] What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced... ] ] Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. ] ] Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... Wedding cake... ] ] Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering... ] ] The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" ] ] In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested... ] ] My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog...
Why do men die before their wives? They want to... ] ] What is the
difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks... ] ] A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said,"God, I wish I had your willpower." ] ] Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law... ] ] Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son... ] ] A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." ] ] The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... ]
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. ]
A young farmer couple got married, and they just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they made love, and when the husband returned home at evening they had another go - both before and after supper, and then again a few more times during the night.
The problems only happened during the day. The fields were far away from the house and the young man lost half an hour each time traveling home and back again at noon. Finally he decided to consult a friend, the town's doctor, about what to do.
"Easiest thing in the world, Homer" said the doctor.
"You take your rifle out with you every day don't you? Well, when you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin', just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to come out to you. That way you won't lose any workin' time."
Homer tried his friend's solution and it seemed to work pretty well for a while. One day though, the doctor stopped by the house to pay a visit and he noticed Homer sitting alone inside looking very somber.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Didn't my idea work? And where's your wife?"
"Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said, and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then we'd find a secluded place and make love. Then Beckie'd go back home."
"So what's the problem?"
"Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of Beckie since hunting season got started..."
Two men are in a doctor's office. Each of them are to get a vasectomy.
The nurse comes into the room & tells both men "Strip & put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."
A few minutes later she returns & reaches into one mans gown & proceeds to fondle & ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he was, he asks, "Why are you doing that?" To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."
The man not wanting to be a problem & enjoying it allows her to complete her task. After she is through, she proceeds to the next man.
She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees & proceeds to give him oral sex. The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated & he gets a Blowjob?"
The nurse simply replies, "That is the difference between an HMO & Complete Care Coverage."
The Top 10 Reasons Why It Sucks To Be A Dick
10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the
rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're
Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to
be a Dick:
1. Everytime you get excited, you throw
up.
SEND THIS TO 0 PEOPLE
YOU WILL NEVER HAVE GOOD SEX AGAIN
NOT EVEN WITH YOURSELF!
SEND THIS TO 1-5 PEOPLE
YOU WILL HAVE GOOD SEX
BUT ONLY WITH YOURSELF
SEND THIS TO 6-10 PEOPLE
YOU WILL HAVE GOOD SEX WITH
EVERYBODY YOU HAVE SEX WITH
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!
HOW "THEY" DO IT WHEN IT COMES TO SEX ***
Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Butchers do it on the block
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure Dentist do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Engineers do it to specification
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbagemen come twice a week
Gardeners do it in the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Housewives do it for an allowance
Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Mountain Climbers like to be on top
Pianists touch, tickle, and titilate!
Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free
Truckers do it in the road
Travel Agents do it in lots of different places
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them!
Zoologists do it with animals
Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel Standards and Procedures Manual. Effective Monday the following revised procedures apply:
Lodging
----------
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
Transportation
----------------
Hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
Meals
-------
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, Costco, and Sam's Club often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group.
Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.
Miscellaneous
---------------
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods, which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits
We welcome any suggestions for further cost cutting.
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Jokes page 15, Dinner Time
Jokes page 16, Heaven/Hell
Jokes page 17, Sneaking Around
Jokes page 18, Blonde Jokes
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