Pink Panther
One day at work, Jeffery told his co-worker about his elbow really hurting and that he was thinking of going to see the doctor about it. "don't do that," replied his friend, "there's a computer down at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put a sample of your urine in the computer, and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. All it costs is $10.00." Jeffery figured that he had nothing to lose, so the filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. He poured the sample in the computer and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
Will be back to normal in two weeks.
Late that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, Jeffery began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample in the computer, and deposited the $10.00. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following diagnosis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Your dog has worms - get him vitamins.
Your daughter is using cocaine - put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours
- get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
In case you were in an accident... THESE ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS FOUND ON INSURANCE FORMS WHERE AUTOMOBILE DRIVERS ATTEMPTED TO SUMMARIZE THE DETAILS OF AN ACCIDENT IN THE FEWEST POSSIBLE WORDS. THE INSTANCES OF FAULTY WRITING SERVE TO CONFIRM THAT EVEN INCOMPETENT WRITING MAY BE HIGHLY ENTERTAINING................
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. -
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. -
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was open when I put my head through it. -
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. -
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. -
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. -
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. -
I pulled away from he side of the road, glanced at my mother in law and headed over the embankment. -
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. -
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision so I could not see the other car. -
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. -
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. -
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. -
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front of me I struck the pedestrian. -
My car was legally parked as it baced into the other vehicle. -
An invisible car came from out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. -
I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. -
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. -
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran him over. -
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car. -
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. -
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
Twilight Zone
In the back woods of Arkansas, Clem's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father- to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. Clem started to put the lantern down. "Whoa there Clem!," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet nother wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a wee baby girl. Clem starts to put the lantern down again but the Doc says, "No, no, don't bein a great hurry to be putting down the lantern, on...It seems there's yet another one in there!" Clem scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold? ********************************************************** The guy is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out of the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the rake?" She can't hear him, so he points to his eye [ I ], points to his knee [ need ] and then makes raking motions. "What?" she yells. So he goes through the whole routine again. She nods like she gets it and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her ass, and then rubs her crotch. Her husband is somewhat confused, though totally aroused, so he quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and into thebathroom. "What did you say?" She says, "I said: eye, left tit, behind, the bush." **********************************************************
Earth 2 Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Raiders team for '98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win. Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away -- ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour--bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXI, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl." "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son." "I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans." "No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...." The old lady pauses, in tears. "...I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"
Signs That It's Gonna Be A Bad Day
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.
You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-husband.
You put both contacts in the same eye.
Your mother approves of the guy you are dating.
Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.
Everyone loves your driver's license picture.
The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
The Gypsy fortuneteller offers to refund your money.
People think that you're 40 and you're only 35.
You call your mom and tell her that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, there's a sandwich on the front porch.
You start to put on the clothes that you wore to the party last night, and there aren't any. **********************************************************
Jiggy
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