joke page 5

Eye of the Tiger

The Rabbi was given a retirement party by his congregation, and his gifts included a bag of expensive clubs. Due to his commitment, the Rabbi had never had time to learn the game during his lifetime so he went to a nearby golf course and hired the pro to give him some lessons, explaining that he knew nothing about the game. The pro showed him how to tee the ball up, the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The Rabbi did as he was told and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the cup.
The Rabbi turned to the speechless pro and asked, "Now what?"
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! *NOW* you tell me." said the Rabbi in a disgusted tone.

A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The Priest asks.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language today and I feel so terrible." "Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful language?" asked the Priest.
"Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."
"Is this when you swore?" asked the Priest.
"No Father," said the man, "You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"No, not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet," replied the man, "just as the eagle was flying away with squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to the green. And as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through a sand trap, and on to the green and stopped dead six inches from the hole!" told the man.
The priest sighed and rolled his eyes, "Oh my God, you missed the damn putt didn't you?

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that "good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the mans replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

Give Up Your Sex Life
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them is playing as well as they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, You are gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replies, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. After the pro watches her swing, he says, "NO, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" sakes the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's tool." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway, about 15 feet. "That was great!!" the pro says, "Nice and gentle. Now take the club out of your mouth and try it." ********************************************************** ******************************************************
*************************************************** **************************************************** A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at Kennedy; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz." So they drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them gets up andis surprised he feels so good, in fact, he feels great- NO hangover! The phone rings, it's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey,how do you feel?" He said, "I feel great!!", and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No- that jet fuel is great stuff-no hangover - we ought to do this more often." "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing....." "What's that?" "Did you fart yet?" "No..." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!" ----------------------------------------------- -------- ------------------------------- An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!" "Why do you say that?" he asks innocently. "The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover yourself with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

One day a golfer hit his ball into a clump of buttercup flowers. Rather than destroy the flowers trying to make a shot, he picked up the ball and threw it onto the fairway. With this a voice from above said. "This is Mother Nature and I want you to know that you are the most considerate golfer I have ever seen. Because you did what you did, you will never have to worry about butter as long as you live." With this the golfer replied, "Where were you a week ago when I hit my ball into a clump of pussy willows?"

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