Check your colorguard purity level

THE COLORGUARD PURITY TEST

This is the definitive colorguard purity test. Check all boxes for which the answer is "yes".
Note that band and drum corps are interchangeable organizations throughout. If I say one, the other applies, and if your guard was not associated with either one, interpret as you will.
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ALL TECHNICALITIES COUNT

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Update coming soon! Look for it in January 2002!

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The Band Test is Here

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Jasmine Elizabeth Wahlberg, caretaker of the MB/DC and CG purity tests.

to T2T which inspired me to test my purity, to Kyle, who is always my inspiration and 'my little drummer boy,' and to the KHS Wolfpack and Knights, and most of all, to the IUP Legend Band Trumpet Line, for without whom I'd be daisy white pure -- Jasmine (Mirnen, Jazz, Jazz Band, Dominatrix, Princess Leroy, Feminazi, S&M)

General Band/Corps Questions

Have you ever been in colorguard (that is, anything that spins, dances, shakes, and otherwise moves to music for the sake of entertainment, usually associated with a school, band, or drum corps)?
Have you ever been in drum corps color guard?
--Marching band color guard?
--Winter guard?
--Started a guard of your own?
Have you been in the guard for longer than a year?
--Longer than five?
Were you made a lackey in your rookie year?
Have you ever been a guard captain?
--Do you like it because of the power?
When you were a rookie, did you worship the seniors/the veterans? (As you SHOULD indeed!)
Do you believe in seniority?
--Have you used it to get your uniform first?
--Food first?
--To the bathroom first?
--Choice of music played on the bus?
The Guardie Bus
Have you ever completely trashed a guardie bus?
--Have you ever been forced to clean such a bus? (ohh rookies...)
Shouted obscenities at the bus driver for the wrong choice of music/lack of volume/hot/cold/etc.?
Have you ever scorned the musicians for having nicer buses than you? (Surprisingly, I find this happens more often than not.)
Have you ever gone overnight on a bus?
--Over multiple nights?
--Ever had to sleep on gym floors/somewhere at a different school? (I don't know where else but a gym you'd put a whole band to sleep in a school, but...)
Ever lost something out the window of a band bus?
Do you start cheers on band buses?
--Do people follow you when you do?
Does the whole bus belt out songs played on the radio? (i.e. Yellow Submarine)
--Does the bus belt out other songs (as a tradition, when leaving a place, or to make fun of people, or whatever) spontaneously, and a capella?
Do you take more silly pictures on the band bus than you do on the actual band trips? (Mother says: I thought you guys went to Busch Gardens? All I see are sleepy people on a bus!)
Have you ever made the dangerous attempt to spin anything on a bus?
--Ever put out a window/dented a ceiling/beaned a person in the head doing so?
Ever gotten all the way to a game/show/parade without your uniform?
--Equipment?
Been on band trips out of state?
--Out of the country?
Has there ever been any drinking on the band bus? (This hopefully doesn't happen in your *high school* band...)
--Underage drinking?
--Sexual activity?
--Sexual activity because of the drinking?
--Homosexual activity?
--Obscene games?
--"Equipment" contests? (I'm not talking about ten footers to sabers here. ;)
Have you ever watched movies on the band bus?
--Been forced (or not forced, whatever:) to watch porn on the bus?
Had nasty stories read to you on the bus?
Ever had a 'rookie interview?' (Where the vets call you to them and ask you horribly personal questions) Or something equally horrible done to you on the bus by the veterans?
Ever fallen asleep on a band bus and had people do things to you?
Performances and Experiences (the "Oh, Shit" section)
Have you ever marched guard and hornline or drumline in the same season?
--The same show?
--How about all three? (colorguard/hornline/drumline; YIKES!)
Ever been forced to drum major for any part of a show?
Have you ever had a solo in a show/parade?
--Multiple solos?
--In the same show/parade?
Ever done two or more parades in the same day?
--Two or more shows in the same day?
--One parade/show in 2 different groups?
Has your guard ever been on TV?
Have you ever missed major life events for band camp/practice? (i.e. weddings, funerals, finals)
Ever ignored your significant other for the guard?
--Brought your significant other into the guard?
--Met your significant other in the guard?
Are all your friends in the guard?
Have you brought friends into the band?
--Had them stay there?
Have you gone through more than one guard instructor?
--More than five?
--More than ten?
Do you refer to your guard instructor by their first name?
--In front of them?
--And s/he doesn't care?
Do you refer to them as mom/dad, or some other odd nickname? (for example: Captain Twinkie, Mr. T, Propecia/Baldy, F, the Fish Misser, Doc)
--Does it scare your parents when you refer to said director as mom/dad/weird nickname?
Have you ever had to run laps/do pushups/etc. for being late?
--Swearing?
--Being out of step?
--Missing work? (Guard work, that is.)
Have you been accused of rookie abuse?
--Admitted to it?
--Thrive on it?
Do you refer to an 8hr day camp as "not long enough?"
--A "light workout?"
Have you ever attended extra rehearsals scheduled before band actually started?
--After band actually ended?
--Voluntarily participated in non-mandatory rehearsals?
Do you have marks that identify you as a guardie (i.e., black and blue foreheads, permanently bruised fingers, rings that are flattened on the palmside)?
Did you select your college on the basis of how good their marching band is?
Have you ever marched a song with more than 10 drill sets in it?
--20?
--30?
Did you ever name sequences of drill sets? (Moustache Sequence/'I...had your father'/Square of Death)
Have you ever marched pictures that could be interpreted as pornographic?
--Were they meant to be, as far as a guardwide knowledge goes?
Have you ever had to do a potentially life threatening/impossible move in a show? (As in a mesh with the tuba line as you pitch a quad or having to go 4 to 5..backwards..at a diagonal)
Have you ever had to march at a tempo over 200? (IUP is marching a 240 in this year's show...for a very short time. :)
Have you ever had to march a wheel turn, line match, slide, crabwalk, or a company front?
--Do you have any idea what those things are? *wink*
Have you ever marched the same show multiple years?
When someone mentions a word from a title of last season's song repertoire, do you have the work to it in your head for the rest of the day?
Do you live/die for the sound of the Dr. Beat or the gawk box?
Are your favorite shoes your marching shoes?
Do you have a preference between Drillmasters or Dinkles?
Do you know what Drillmasters and Dinkles even are? :)
Is your favorite outfit your uniform?
Do you know who the Concord Blue Devils are?
--Phantom Regiment?
--Do you know about/actively participate in their rivalry?
--Grey Knights/Allegheny Nightstorm? (that's worth 2. You're a total psycho if you do.)
--Empire Statesmen?
Do you own any marching band/drum corps cd's?
Do you do the work to the songs when you listen to them (Presuming either 1. You were in the corps at the time or 2. You watched the guard so intensely that season that you memorized their work)?
Have you ever listened to an ajudication tape and known the judge was referring specifically to you?
Have you named your equpment?
--Ever broken any?
--Did you cry?
--Dropped your equipment during a perfomance? (Easy point there.)
--Picked up the wrong piece of equipment at some point in a performance?
Ever lost a piece of equipment/piece of uniform/shoe on the field?
Have you ever performed in the rain?
--How about had to do groundwork in it? (How about having to roll around on a muddy football field with a white flag and a white uniform and SMILE BRIGHTLY while you're doing it?)
--Ever marched in mud so bad that you fell or missed drill marks completely?
Have you ever marched while sick?
--While injured?
Passed out while marching?
Has your band ever had an "accident" (like, the bleachers collapsed underneath it, or the bus wrecked, or something else horrible)?
Have you ever been called a derogatory name meaning guardie? (There are so many that I can't bear to list them all. You figure it out.)
--Did you thank them for calling you such?
--Do you consider yourself one?
--Do you think it's a good thing?
Have you ever had to explain what a part of your uniform does/how to put it on to a non-band person?
--How about to someone in the hornline/drumline? (Yeah, there are some pretty guard-ignorant bandies out there.)
Are you a legend in your band? (meaning are you respected by OTHERS...)
Do you wish to be a legend in your band?
Is your band a Legend? (The IUP Marching Band...The Legend Lives On.)
Have you ever written drill?
--Arranged show choreography?
Have you ever done an instrument swap with a bandie?
--For an entire song?
--For an entire game?
Has your section ever had a theme song?
--Was it dirty?
--Was it clean before and you changed the lyrics so it was dirty?
Has your section ever given you a nasty nickname?
Does your section have any bizzarre traditions? (like sheep sex or shots of Southern Comfort)
Do you ever make up different words to the cheerleaders' cheers?
--Are they dirty? (Free point, there really isn't much doubt here, is there? ;)
Have you ever been required to dance or cheer with the cheerleaders (for whatever reason -- that they suck by themselves, or you wanted to, or your instructor told you to, etc.)?
Ever performed a Disney show, complete with pertaining costumes?
--A show consisting of songs that had nothing to do with eachother, and somehow you had to make them fit together with what you had?
--A different theme show, complete with pertaining costumes?
Ever had to scream or do a scatter drill for effect?
Did you ENJOY IT?! ;)
Do you have last year's show in your head right now?
--Are you thinking of work that would've made it better?
Guardie Quirks
Do you find yourself owning incredible amounts of interestingly colored socks/underwear?
--Do you own all these just so you can show your guardie friends?
Have you ever completely blown off a practice because you ended up sitting in a circle and talking the whole time?
Are you completely comfortable in spandex?
Do you think there is absolutely nothing wrong with male guard? (Hey, in some places it's still incredibly taboo.)
Do you choose clothing based solely on how comfortably it accommodates arm extension?
Do you constantly spin things like brooms, mops, baseball bats, sticks, etc.?
--How about things that probably shouldn't be spun? (like notebooks, pencils, bottles, etc.?
Do you own your own guard equipment? (i.e. flagpole with flag, saber, rifle)
Are you comfortable with flashing an audience more than a smile?
Have you ever wrapped up in your flag to keep warm?
Have you ever manufactured your own bag for storing/transporting your massive amounts of equipment?
Do you own a pair of net gloves (you know, weight-lifter's gloves or biker's gloves or as I have come to know them, cymbal player's gloves) to protect your hands?
Can you define the following words/phrases: "don't throw to Jesus"
--"stripping a flag"
--"sailing"
--"drop spin"
Are you certified to spin fire?
--To that end, have you ever caught yourself on fire with a flaming piece of equipment?
Do you carry rolls of white electrical tape around with you out of habit?
Band in Daily Life
Have you ever e-mailed the Colorguard Test webmistress with more questions for the test? ;)
--Ever wondered how much guardie experience she's actually had? (I'll answer that now: very little. But I have a lot of guardie friends, y'see...)
Do you spend a good deal of your time making up guard-related webpages?
During concert season, do you miss your uniform and your show/stand music?
Do you roll-step through the cafeteria to avoid spilling your food?
Do you march in step with your friends?
Are the heels on all your shoes that are broken in naturally rolled?
Do you try to dress every line you're in?
Do you think people who have never been in guard are deprived?
Do you have more than 2 nicknames?
Do you find it difficult to impossible to imagine life without colorguard?
Inter-Band Relations (the I-Wish-This-Rifle-Was-Functional section)
Ever gone over to "the other side" to meet the other band's guard?
--...and had to be escorted back for your behavior?
Have you ever been insulted by the other band's guard?
Ever been in a guardie catfight?
Do you search for friends in the other band at every game?
--Do you actually have friends in the other band?
Have you ever been in a band or corps competition?
--Have you ever had a love note/band-a-gram sent to your band?
--Enough that it held up the whole show for more than five minutes?
Do you get excited when a guard executes a particularly impressive drill/work combination?
--Do you get *really* excited? >:) (Two stalls, right Kyle(s)?)
The Post-Band Days, or Section Switching, or Went Off to College, or Moved Away *Sigh*
Do you get so excited watching your old high school marching band that you shout/chant along with the cadence/march in step with them as they march/mime the work to the fight song?
Do you miss your old section because your new one just "isn't the same?"
Do you brag about your old high school guard to your new guard friends?
Do you still wear your old band jacket because you love it so much/you think it looks cool?
Do you go back to your school and help out with band camp, just so you could be around the guard again?
And finally...
Do you talk about things around "normal" people, get funny looks, and say, "It's a band/guardie thing"?
Have you ever spent hours talking with friends over the politics of your band or corps, or how to save it (KHS and Knights members will understand this fully.)?
Have you ever ended a show just seconds under the gun, and it broke your heart?
Has a song played in marching band ever moved you so much that you cried? (Ladies and gentlemen, Amazing Grace...)
Do you know what it is to have band respect, band honor, band faithfulness?
Did you learn everything you need to know about life from band?
Do you "love band" (for Kane, try saying it in a West Virginian accent, a la Shawn Hofmann)?

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I implore you to also mail me if you can think of any other good questions that should go on here. I've tried to be as objective as possible, trying not to put too many things that are particular to my experiences on here (But you all know it's really hard not to include the private jokes, at least a little...). Please, I'd like if you'd also contact me if there is a problem with this page (include browser name and version).