a very special announcement
in Shining Armor, Inc.
The days of chivalry are not dead!
They are alive and rampant and yours for a mere pittance! Yes, that's right lords and ladies, now for that special someone, that delectable damsel in distress, we offer this once-in-a-lifetime deal: her very own …
KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR! ™
Yes, we have iron knights, black knights; we have knights in white satin. We have tall knights, short knights, thin knights, young knights. Sorry, no Arabian knights-all sold out.
Now, you may be asking yourself: What could a Knight in Shining Armor do for me? Ladies, we're sure that you may be forming certain … ideas … about how a Knight in Shining Amour may be of use to you. But let us offer some other, less permanent suggestions. In winter, when the blizzard chills set in, your Knight in Shining Armor can chop wood. He can cook, he can clean, he can double as a stove. And when that warmer time of the year rolls around, he can pick flowers and frolic in the fields in both standard and slow motion.***
Got a nasty house pest problem? Your Knight in Shining Armor can get rid of almost anything, from the tiniest cockroach to the biggest fire breathing dragon. Never again will you strain your back when rearranging the furniture: all of our knights have muscles to spare. And, as an added incentive, our Knights in Shining Armor sing in not one, not two, but three part harmony!
But how, you wonder, can I keep my knight from rescuing any other damsel in distress who wanders by? (After all, we know how distressing damsels can be). That's why for the first fifteen lucky callers, we will throw in, free of charge-get THAT, ladies-FREE, at no additional cost to you whatsoever, not so much as a single shilling more-we will throw in a helmet with a slitted visor to keep his eyes on you and you alone.
As for you lords out there, a Knight in Shining Armor can be useful to you too. Have a family feud? No problem. Our Knights in Shining Armor are more than capable of dealing with your in-laws. No more of your wife's nagging mother. Buy a knight and begin your own autonomous collective! Been drafted to go on a crusade? Nooo problem! Send him instead. Who knows, your knight may be victorious! And our Knights in Shining Armor are cheaper than mercenaries any day!
Don't have a dowry for your daughter? Want to see your sister settled down? Our Knights in Shining Armor have all been fully trained to say, "I do."
Yes, lords and ladies, our Knights in Shining Armor are the best. Don't be taken in by imitation knights. Only ours are the real thing! If they're not in shining armor, they're not our knights!
How much could this incredible bargain cost? Your first born at least, right? Not at all. We're a business, not a nursery. KNIGHTS IN SHINING ARMOR, INC. ™ has negotiable fees, with a pay per month plan. Call 1-800-4-KNIGHT for more details. Operators are standing by.
This advertisement is wholly facetious.