Today's Agenda
I just came from spending the entire day with "this chick" and let me tell you...it was great. First off, of my 20, going on 21 yr. old life, I've never had a pedicure so she, her mom, and I all went to go do that and I liked it. I admit, I was a bleeder, but my nails came out nice. (Smile) I gotta french pedicure while she got her nails painted hot pink. After-wards we went back to the house and hung out for a little while until my guy friend returned. In the mean-time I spoke online with the mother of my God-son for a bit and we somewhat rekindled our relationship. Later on we went to this restaurant called Hibachis which is a Japanese Steak House and I ordered the Banzai Chicken and tried some of her Saki which is Japanese wine made from rice, served hot. Also, they cook the food on the very table you eat on. Talk about *hot*. I dont know what it is about that place but the huge fire was very exciting and spiritual which is liking to my taste and something about it made me wish "this guy" was there. If we were somehow capable of getting that place all to ourselves, I would definitely lay him down. *Oh yeah* Definitely. The cold outside and the warmth inside made for a feeling of longing to express myself in manners unimaginable to children. In short, I'd really like to go there again.

It was Fun I tell you, Damn Fun
Last night I went to a guy friend's house. We hung out for a while and "this chick" comes over because apparently her plans had gotten cancled for that night. So she was up for going out and we all decided on going to Friday's to get something to eat and concidering my love of alcohol, got something to drink as well. I had an Ultimate Long Island Iced Tea which consited of 4 alcohols combined into one drink and a few glasses of Bacardi. We spoke of being Bi and things of that nature and then we then engaged in talk of the past and how we all came to play our individual roles that we have today. It was a very interesting evening and as I smoked on a stog I thought to myself of how I actually got what I wanted. Remember I said I would have liked to hang out with this chick some time soon but had no money to waste at the time...? Well last night was on someone else's tab. Cool Beans or what?! In any case, I had a great night, spent with cool friends and not to mention the perfect amount of alcohol. Well Im gonna get out of here since I havent yet returned home. Peace.

Call Me Crazy
Does this make sense or is it just me? I've been knowing this guy, whom I love more than words can say, for about six years now and he'd really like to be with me almost as much as I'd like to be with him. However, there's a part of me that isnt physically attracted to him. So much so that I've always wanted to have children before but ever since the idea came up with having them with him, I think twice about it. *My mind wonders to a a far away place where my grimlin children are trying thier best not to get wet* Now dont get me wrong...this man is actually quite handsome but at the same time I do have feelings for him which may add on to his looks. He's already proposed to me quite a number of times and I keep refusing his offers. However, I was thinking...if he truly wants to be with me...perhaps I could simply not have children and marry this man for who I fell in love with...him. Not his physic, nor his our future children...just him. So what do you you all think? Sacrafice my children to give a man more a chance to become my husband and possibly have a beautiful future together...? Or Good Idea/Bad Idea...?

A Talk With My Shadow
Not to long ago, I was talking to a dear friend of mine who I was quite upset with for being too much like me. Odd...? Perhaps. But the truth of the matter is...after speaking to him about it, I learned that I wasnt really upset at him as much as it was that I was upset at the world for not seeing the diffrences between he and I. In actuallity, what really bothered me was how they only saw the difference in us enough to catorgorize us as being diffrent from them but to each other they saw us as like-wise. However, now I realize that it's on them to see what's actual and what's really there as oppose to me trying to show them how un-alike we really are. Now, Im really ok with the whole ordeal. It only means that they've read into us but not deep enough to see that we are completely two seperate beings. Me, having my own unique persona and him, the same. I now, can appriciate all of what they have read into and can understand all of what they havent. So, I'd like to apologize to that friend and add that I will try my best to not let things of this nature get to me as much as it has. I understand what was not understood and now I think them calling us simular was a compliment. (Smile)

The Convo
Adroit: My mother is currently making sounds of pain because her back hurts and I want to say: Would you shut the fuck up?! (She's so fucking annoying) Usually I laugh out loud when she hurts, but thats when she does something dumb like falls in the street from tripping over a man-hole and almost getting hit by a car. But when its not funny, its just pisses me off. *Hmm* I never thought of it before but *this guy* says perhaps I like visual comedy and I think he's right. Cause if I dont see it, I can usually imagine it, like the time she broke her toe and all I heard was "Ooo!" Then she tells me she wanted to call her brother to get a ride to the hospital and I wouldnt get off the phone cause I was talking to a friend and couldnt stop laughing. My friend thought that I was being mean and told me to just call him back and I said, Nah, its cool. I dont know...times like that are classic.

Fooling Myself
I cant help but wonder the intentions and inner workers of another's mind. I keep feeling like I'd like to trust someone but all in all, they do put themselves first. I cant honestly say I've never been truly happy but I cant honestly that I have. It's possible I've only adapted to what others have expressed happiness to be. A person can either be trusting and led on or non-trusting and accused of being paranoid. Then we have Option C which is to trust someone reguardless of signs or proof that they dont deserve it and then there's always a particular aspect I always keep in my mind: good old fashion reality: Put faith in no man. Ahh, now I've said too much. But truth be told...I'd like a partner...a partner I can trust with all of me. And though I dont blame anyone for living thier lives, even if it is at the cost of overlooking who I am, I sometimes wonder why I even bother to take part. I'd like to fold and walk away but then I'd feel like I were being a hypocrit for all those who've put trust in me. But something tells me that my respecting those who couldnt care less for me is one of my short-comings and if I stayed I'd only be walking backwards which would completely destroy myself self...the whole point of Adroit Deviant.

Im a Freak and Youre All Magnutive
So, I went to this place of know how and was digusted by the crave of want...by the feel of need. I saw a lack of and had to get away. I just had to get away. And I ended up finding my way to *this guy* and I dont know why Im here and I dont know why I came. But Im here now and somehow he's all I know. I feel like Im always sleeping and he's the only thing that makes me question the realities and the possibilty of a such thing as waking up. And though I know he's so very real, I wonder how is it that he sees me and them at the same time. How is it that you can enter another's dream (wheather his or mine) and know he shouldnt be here...too good for this. Too good indeed. And he's the only thing that I know and yet I dont know why he cares. I've exscaped from the box and entered the realm of freedom. And he's so fine and yet I still dont know why Im here. And I dont know why I came.

The Final Frontier
So last night, I couldnt tear myself away and though I decided that I'd fight the urg of staying simply because I wanted to...he then asked me if I would. And Im glad I chose to do so. I really enjoy speaking with him and sometimes I feel like he knows me so very well, and when I dont think so...I appriciate our differences, which gives us more to understand about one another and sometimes even compliments. However, today I left and now have to face dealing without him. Something I've done before him and something I've done after our break-up. However, I cant say I prefer it this way. But at the same time, I'd really like to gain a material world to contain our personal relationship, so I've decided to go ahead and get that out of the way real quick. If I could do it before without him, I can surely do it again and if he decides he'd like to contribute, all is well. But if not, I know I'd miss him more than he knows. The Final Frontier..........? Facing life without him.

Whoa is Me
Yesterday I came to see *this guy* and things went great. I really love him, but this I cant possibly express...at least not to a degree he can understand. To be honest, I dont think I understand it sometimes myself. In any case, he's a fucking genius and I love his mind. I cant help but wonder all of the glorious thoughts that reside in that realm of randsome. Anyway, I had a great time and it bothers me that I wont be seeing him for some time. Im leaving for school tomorrow and Im really gonna miss him. I planned not to come back until I graduated but perhaps I'll change my mind about not visiting on week-ends. After all, I do want to see him, I just didnt expect him to walk back into my life afer everything, you know?

Monkey's Always Look
Today out of no-where, I thought of my first love and I felt bad. I admit, I made some bad decisions and it was me who also broke up with him *go figure*. Sometimes I wonder what level of hell I deserve for doing what I did. He had a best friend who later became his rival and I somehow managed to get them back together. Yet after they rekindled their relationship I participated in the writting of a letter with his friend that spoke of what he'd like to do with me, which resulted in us going into the hallway while he was asleep, and me honestly not being able to go through with doing anything. Truthfully, I never cheated on him. But years later, when I did move on, it was to that friend. And I was thinking, I never meant to hurt him the way I did. I really wish I couldve lived up to how he perceived me when we first met...The way I was before I became tainted by indulging in unecessary love. Though I wont deny my feelings...I made a huge mistake by denying his. And Im so sorry... Im really so sorry...