Light, and Love        
}|{ Amanda Lea


Date: 03/22/02
Dear Journal:    First entry of the Year 2002
Well, most people know that a lot has happened since I last wrote.  9-11-2001 was the terrorist bombings of the World Trade Center in New York.  By now many have properly mourned over the loss of so many lives hopefully.  No one ever truly gets over something like this, I don't think.  That is, unless of course, the person has no emotions for the pain and suffering of other people.  Being as overly empathic as I am, I could never imagine someone not being atleast sympathetic a little bit, but we all know there are people out ther like this.  I pity the pitiful fools such as these.
    Any how, this is not the reason for me writing here today.  It is more to catch you up on the lastest events of PVLL.  Our MSN communty is up and running and we have all agreed to begin to let people in and becaome a part of our family.  I don't think we are too eager to share that which has been only ours for so long though.  It's been a couple of months since we all agreed to open the community to outsiders and none of us three have even invited any one yet!  If you or someone you know would like to join, I encourage you to try to apply.  You  can find us at:  http://communities.msn.com/PodelanVitalLepidusLand.  Unfortunately if you wait for us to invite you, you will probably grow very old waiting.  If you like our site, you will love our community.  The managers of the site try to add new information to it all of the time.
    Now that I have the commercial out of the way...I guess all I have left to say is when the going gets tough, lighten up a little.  Tah tah for now...

Light Bright and Puzzle-d,
AL
 

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Date: 07/08/01
Dear Journal:    What's Wrong With Me??

Well all... I did it again.  My worries, doubts, and fears of repeating the same mistakes over and over again have left me hurting again.     Why is it that I either get a person that totally tries to dominate me, or I get one that I make all the wrong decisions?  Oh wait!  I have that happen in every relationship so far in my adult life... only in a different order.  GrrrrAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!  What am I doing wrong???  No, of course I don't expect you to actually answer me... I'm venting and these are rhetorical questions.  Don't you know the difference between venting (the process of relieving pressure of a situation off of the self with no course of action wanting to be taken) and full out whining and bitching about how something needs to be done??  I'm beginning to wonder how many people do know there is a difference.  It's not against the law to "put your ear on a stick" for people you care about.  It might even help you learn a little about the person.  Hmmm... I'm beginning to wonder if I shouldn't just rename this page from Journeys Journals to Aley's Vent Fest!! (:oþ)  phttttt!!!!

Date: 05/07/01
Dear Journal:    My Lesson in Cherishing

I'm sitting here at my computer, and questioning that which surrounds me yet again.  I do not know why it is so difficult for me to trust people I care about.  I seem to be able to trust complete strangers so much more at times, and by the time they become friends my suspicions have grown tenfold and I feel regret for all I have told them about myself.  It's bad enough to deal with the problems that do exist, but I sit here and wonder why I create so many more.

This problem has persisted the last few days this time.  I have begun to question my existence, my sanity, my family, friends, and even my fiance to extremes I should not feel right now.  It has come time that I even question whether it is intuitive or paranoia.  I'm banking on the paranoia theory myself although I know some of it may be intuitional.  The question is:  What part is which?  

A psychoanalyst may ask me why I feel the way I do.  Of course that is why I am not paying for one... that one I can figure out on my own without the crunch financially.

Is it possible for someone to only let people who pose a threat to them into their line of defenses?  My fiance is a wonderful, kind, sweet man with one hellacious sense of humor.  My family has always supported me in trying to find my own way (although they give me plenty of warnings that I don't listen to many times).  Of course on the friends scale, I usually hung out with those that made me feel needed, as if my life had a purpose and that purpose was to serve others.  So then why am I so neglected?  Is there no one who's purpose includes helping me and teaching me while helping me exorcise these demons of fear within me?  If there is no hope of any one coming to my rescue on this, I fear (there's that word again) that I may be lost forever.  Common sense tells me I will find a way any how.

The good news is that I am learning to face each of my fears one by one and asking the people around me if my fears are justified or not.  Whether or not they are telling the true answer is not my concern right now.  Atleast I have attempted the step in opening the lines of communication, and given them not only a chance but the benefit of the doubt. *crosses fingers*

As for my financial problems, atleast this period of being out of work has taught me I can have friends that seek my company rather than my money.  I do have things to offer but now is not the time to offer them.  First, I have to get my butt in gear and stabilize myself so I can reenter the work force hopefully.  I miss working, I miss being a cosmetologist, and I miss the continual contact with people (of course I am happy not to have to listen to every private detail of their life and expected to remember it 6 weeks to 6 months later).  I miss feeling like I made the world a more beautiful place.  I love to believe that I still do in my own way.

Cherish what you have, for you never know when it may be gone.  }|{


Date: 4/9/2001
Dear Journal:    Questioning myself
    "What would you suggest to someone who has found him/herself in an abusive situation with little or no support? How do we treat them?  Do we have right to treat against people who are abusers, as this is obviously bending their free will?"  I ran across this question today and wanted to include it here because my answers here seem to go with my last posting and beyond.
    I sit down here now and ask myself this question.  Now, having been in similar situations I can only answer out of what I wish it had been possible for me to do.  I do not propose this in order to avoid these instances for they can be wonderful learning experiences and teachers of strength for those that are strong enough.  I propose this theory for those who are not strong enough, and have never been shown the better way there is to live.
I begin with the first question:  What would I suggest to someone who has found him/herself in an abusive situation with little or no support?  The beginning of this topic, like so many others is difficult to begin.  Therefore I will begin with the fact that I know now if someone in that situation has found their way to me, it is my obligation to the celestial forces to help that person in any way possible.  The first thing I would try to do for that person is try to help them find a job that matched their skills.  Even if a person has the belief they have no skills, and under careful examination they have nothing that could help in the job force, I would recommend a job that trained the person.  Anything is better than nothing, correct?  I would find ways that they could prove to themselves they are worthy of respect.  I would do everything in my power to teach them that there is a better way to live.  If they choose not to listen to me and return to what they lived than that is their choice.   Atleast I would know I had the courage, patience, and empathy to try.  I could only hope they have an equal amount of hope, and determination to live a better live.  As for how do we treat someone like this?  With understanding.  Abuse is only a disease to the abuser... it is a lifestyle to the abused... one they have problem only known for a long, long time.  The treatment  for the abuser is simple... give hope and freedom to the abused and there is no one left for the abuser to pick on.  There is no one left for the abuser to blame.  It is the only way to get them to look within.  We must let the victim out of captivity.  As for the last question... is this bending their free will... I say it's not.  We opening the door to freewill on both sides, not closing it to either.  Yes, the abuser can continue to abuse and the abused can continue to be abused or become an abuser themselves... but mark my words, eventually they will both be so few and far between the energy that draws them forward will be no longer.  Only those that are left in those situations will know until then who is there by choice and who is there by circumstance.
    
Date:  3/20/2001
Dear Journal:   Happy Spring Equinox!

Following is an excerpt from Jean Houston's Godseed in which she speculates
on the nature of this healing time.

       "Because human beings are gifted with "leaky margins", we have a profound
capacity to become each other.  If, in some future branch of science, we
are able to take pictures of what is actually going on in the subtle fields
of life between people, we will probably be able to see fields of resonance
around and between our bodies.  Deep empathy, then, is not vicarious
experience, for it rises from the depth world, and in its most developed
form, from our relationship to the Beloved. It is, perhaps, the chief
characteristic of God(/dess). Only through empathy is it possible to step into
another's shoes WITHOUT displacing him or her, or losing one's own identity"

    On that note I will go into my talk on how healing it is to watch the roses bloom as the sun shines from above on a cool, crisp spring day.  *heavenly sigh*  Spring time is always a reminder to me, as I contemplate all the wonders of the Earth bursting forth with new life, to enjoy my life to the fullest.   I have at so many times felt that I was not good enough for the task I was pursuing, but this year I have begun to make "Spring Resolutions".  I am renewing my New Year's resolutions with a new twist... I vow to increase my self- esteem as much as possible this season.   I am setting aside the "fake it 'til you make it" attitude and journeying off with a brighter outlook knowing that I don't need to fake it because somewhere, deep inside of me, I know I already have it.  I know because I have the "god/dess within" recognition in place.  I know because I am MYSELF at all times and live to journey in the present moment.  I'll begin to touch on this by telling you what my experience of joy is to me right now, in the present.  Joy to me...According to my senses:  1) Sight:  Joy is the morning sun glistening off the dew on a rosepetal.  2) Smell:  Joy has the smell of a garden of flowers and herbs in the springtime.  3) Taste:  Hmmm.... the taste of joy to me would be that of cotton candy as it melts in my mouth, and also the taste of freshly baked bread (and the smell too!)  4) Touch:  What does joy feel like to me?  It is like touching the softness of a newborn baby's skin, or running my fingers through the fur of a young kitten, puppy, or rabbit.  5)  Sound:  It is definitely comparable to many of the old classical music of Bach, Chopin, and especially Beethoven, Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy to be exact!  And finally: 5) Color:  Joy to me cannot be summed up in one color for to me it contains all of the warmest and softest of pastels and primaries, separately, yet together, such as in a rainbow.  
    On that happy note I will bid you all a fond adieu and a good night, for it is past my nitey nite time.  Love, Life, and Licorice, Aleyah }|{

Date:  3-6-2001
Dear Journal:    A Homework Assignment1

"You're the drop of water, you're not the whole ocean".  But the "ocean is all there
is". So, when you become part of the ocean, can there still be an "in here"
or "out there"?  I have assigned myself this task today... to finally accept that I am living within the unity of the divine.  Whether I am "in here" or "out there" I am with in the divine light of unity.  Where is God/dess, AKA reality?  Everywhere!  It is above me, and below me, it surrounds me at all times.  I have accepted the task of seeing in every present moment, recognizing the divine working it's way through my being every moment of every day.  I do not need others to reassure me of this, however their company makes the journey a little more interesting and dramatic.  Life is a grand movie and every one is an actor.  Merely because some one is acting as if they are not, and whether or not they believe and have faith, we are still all a part of the divine light because a person is a person after all, no matter how big or small.


Date:  2-13-2001
Dear Journal:    A Bitch Fest

    I write in here today to protest and voice a complaint.  I think it is wholly unfair the way society and people in general still to this day carry stereotypes of all sorts.  The one I am most bothered by (because it seems as if people of all shapes, sizes, and colors experience the same problem in this arena) is that of gender stereotypes and double standards.  I feel it is just not fair to label acts as "female" or "male" when we are all subject to so many of these actions.  Being "emotional" is labeled female only because women seem to be the only ones on this planet who may express their emotions without being "gay"  and even then we are subject to taunting and teasing especially by men.  But this is only the beginning.  
    It is gender stereotypes that set the grounds for all other stereotypes to continue into this new millenium.  Another thing that bothers me is the male need to dominate.  C'mon people!  I know that a part of all of us is animal in nature but after 3-4,000 years of evolution you would have thought we would have progressed further in the social arena than we have.  With a good, close look at the situation one might even think we have progressed backwards from some undistinguishable point.  It is no wonder that we live in such a violent society.
    Did you know that the odds for a woman being raped in today's society is 1 in 3?  This is up from 1 in 5 from only 10 years ago.  And that is also not including the men that get raped or the children that get molested, raped and/or sodomized.  Yet our law enforcement and the general public are educated very little on how one is to respond and handle the situation before, during, and after it happens.  I mention before it happens, not because a erson plans to be raped sometime in her life, but rather how to prevent this from happening by 1)  Teaching people that when they say "no" they better mean it and 2)  Teaching men that "no" definitely means "no" and to seduce, coerce, or force a person by means of guilt or physical force constitutes a rape and can be prosecuted as such.  
    We need to be rid of the almighty loop hole!  There should be no exceptions and an individual should be allowed to voice that opinion.  Merely because nobody wants to talk about, doesn't make it stop happening.  In fact, it feeds the criminal mind, and the chances of one getting away with the crime become more and more exciting as the criminal mind needs more and more to give it the high it becomes dependant on.  Eventually innocent people get hurt.
    There is the one argument that there are people with minds that work in the reverse of this scenario whereas to gain attention or get some sick kind of revenge one might falsely accuse another of a crime.  That is where I am forced to look at it this way... Could I live with myself easier knowing that innocent people are going to jail or that many more guilty ones are running free on the streets?  My answer is this:  On the odd chance that it was I that was falsely accused, I would not be nearly as angry knowing I was an innocent falsely accused than as if a true criminal found a loop hole that would have set me free knowing he or she was roaming the streets hurting tens maybe hundreds of innocents.  
   Oh boy!  Did that ever let a load off of my shoulders.  *Be Excellent to Each Other*


Date:  01/01/2001
Dear Journal:     Happy New Millenium Again!

The new year begins anew.  The decorations from the holidays are taken down and the residual clutter is cleaned up, put away.  Resolutions to be broken later are made today and the world marches on.  I am still sane in my sex, my gender that is.  This little fae has survived another year.  I analyze the peculiarities of you my physical friend.  I have engaged upon the formation of the motivation of someday becoming a spirit guide for you.  With the protection of the ancient ones we will be able to safely monkey around.  I will instill upon you the self-confidence that my appearance assures.  Together we will reside in the neighborhood of Interdependance someday.  Together we will play in Heaven on Earth.

Date: 12/15/2000
Dear Journal:  

With the holidays drawing near to a close this can be a rather hectic time of year.  I only hope my frustration does not show through in my writings, but if it does I shall forgive myself due to the circumstances.  However difficult this period that lies ahead may be, between the fire and the light I will enter in to a period of embracing the monkey of the April gypsy, that is... I will attempt to control my physical urges and try to stay in one place for awhile.  I enter into this realm with these words I wrote to myself on April 6, 1998:
    The sky has turned dark and grey.  Rain begins to fall, camoflauging my tears.  I feel completely alone still, filled with the solitude of understanding.  I am plagued by lonliness.  Shall I stay in the Land of Tulips or return to Lepidus Land Land?  Are dreams and hopes for the future more important than the present despair?  Is the only dream I have yet to fulfill that in finding pleasure in my own death?  The rain drops and pierces into my flesh, but the pain of being pelted is nothing compared to the pain I feel inside my soul.  Death is once again knocking, knocking on my door.  Now, if no one lets it in, can I shake this eerie presence or will I have to begin again from scratch?  Begin again with birth and rebirth?
    Just my luck the dark night cometh for me.  

Date:  12/01/2000
Dear Journal:    Rampant Holiday Rambunctious Humor

I am truly enjoying monkeying around with my spirit guide this time of year again (as per usual during these holidays).  My Fairy Guide wants me to be more motivated towards getting everything done, and I'm too busy enjoying the Yuletide Spirit, which she won't reprimand me for cuz she knows too well that this is what this time of year is set away for even if so many forget.  Well, it's been 2 months now since I had sex.  Yay!  It's not the first time I've gone without it, but it has been almost 2 years since I have felt my interdependance in the universe wholly rather than concentrating on pretending to enjoy something that lost it's flavor a long time before the present moment.  Hopefully I will eventually find the formation of positive will in me towards such endeavors.  But for now...  I'm Free!  Yay!  It is a sane illusion of reality I live in even if it is an illusion.  Didn't you know?  We all live in illusions created by God/dess to entertain and educate.  If not us, then God/dess does atleast.  A cry is heard from the heavens above,"Sheez!  I'll never make that combination again!"  Ah yes, the physical world is so fascinating to those that know how to see it for what it truly is, and won't deny what it truly isn't.  I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving, and a Happy Samhain.  (I like being multi-dimensional in my beliefs... I get to celebrate New Year's over and over... Hey look!  Here it comes again!  Off in the distance... there it is! WooHoo!!!!)

Date:  11/27/2000
Dear Journal:    Q and A

Questions I asked of myself this week and the answers I came up with:  1)  How do I perceive the World?  I am able to see the world as a plethora of opportunities with many ups, down, thrills, and spills.  2)  What do I need to reflect upon to clear up?  I need to reflect on how I create negativity in my life and how I tend to hold on to it rather than let it go.  3)  What distorts my imagination?  Once I am able to fulfill my narrow- mind and defeat the power my narrow perception can have over me, so that my clarity can enter.  4)  What thought forms do I need to conceive?  I need to get an idea of how my senses (such as touch) affect my ability to successfully perform and create new ventures to move beyond boredom and stagnation in my life due to the rut of inertia.  5)  How do I resolve my current issues of changing and closing?  I need to adapt, blend, keep up with the changing reality around me, and survive through continual adaptation to my surroundings instead of holding on to one way or holding myself back by expecting certain results and then backsliding when they don't happen.  I must accept these steps back to move 2 steps forward, but I must also try not to back step instead of encouraging it as I have been and then not being able to make up the steps.  Set no expectations and I will always fly free!

Date:  11/20/2000
Dear Journal:    Devictimization

"We are victims only to the forces we won't allow our mind to grasp, and these are the fueling grounds for ignorance."  -ME

I have come to the belief that what needs to be don to bring the children of God/dess home is that we need to have faith and trust that we will be returned to her.  I know that I, myself must complete the most important lesson of all- that of fulfilling my karma.  I need to not look far for the answers I desire.  I must analyze how I provide, support, and create a detached and objective perspective so that others that come to me may be able to trust their own judgment in not judging themselves and learn to balance their emotional reactions with analytical activity to find practical solutions to the most common of their problems- solving their other problems by making intelligent decisions.  Organization of my thinking before putting it into actions is my way of not letting my theories and assumptions cloud my mind so that I may be able to think things through and speak clearly as to my intentions.

Date:  11/14/2000
Dear Journal:    About Change

"You cannot change the events you are going to have to go through but you can gain insight on why you must go through them"  -ME

It is time to jump off of the bandwagon of life and death!  Death is but a room in which we enter.  It is a small, dark, cool place.  Nothing that enters here ever stays for very long.  But time runs differently in death and it is although I have stayed in this room for far longer than I should have.  It was in this room that I suffer from no pain, my heart cannot break, and my feelings could not be ignored like I seemed to do so often in life.  In life tears seem to fall silently yet in death they ring loud and clear to the truth.  I am protected in death more so than I have been in life.  In life I feel open, vulnerable, and weak.  In death I am strong and can endure the tests of time without the emotional roller coaster, yet without the body the heart and mind cannot change freely, and the soul is set firmly where it belongs.  A soul without a body can go anywhere, do anything and suffer very little the effects of time, far from the reality of the physical body.  

Can a soul stay and be recognized as an individual even without a physical embodiment to hold on to?  Where does the body end and the soul begin?  Man is said to be the carrier of the soul, as women carry the soul into physical manifest.  This would make humanity merely a right of passage into the worlds beyond this one.  But why are we so divided then?  What is the purpose of this division?  What does it serve to prove to us?
 
Date: 11/08/2000
Dear Journal:    Affirmations to Live in the Present Moment

1. I am choosing voluntary change and transformation.
2. I have been open to inspiration and intuition.
3. I think without the instability and superficiality to accept my destiny      
as it is.
4. I feel the expression of my unique insights.
5. I will stay in the truth without arrogance or vanity.
6. I analyze the acceptance of thoughts and ideas of spirituality that appear to transcend reality.
7. I balance out my awareness of reckless impulses with regard for desired outcome.
8. I desire to keep hoping for the future.
9. I see I must be open to others while still remaining true to myself.
10. I utilize the acceptance of realizing my errors.
11. I believe in rising up to the new millennium.
12. I know who I am.

Date:  11/6/2000
Dear Journal:    The Quest for Beauty

    These last few days I have stopped to find as much beauty as I could in the world.  I have found beauty in the sounds of chirping birds, in trickling water, in children's laughter, and in the purr and meows of the feline family.  I have seen beauty in the changing of the leaves, watching fish swimming gracefully, seeing the leaves dance in the wind, and in the colors of nature's plants and flowers.  I have tasted the beauty in a fresh peanut butter sandwich, in the tangy taste of orange juice, and in the delicious tastes of so many cooked foods.   I have smelled this beauty in the scent of plants and flowers, the smell of a home cooked meal simmering on the stove, and the smell of the grass after a rainfall.  I have felt this delicate in the feel of the rhythms of harmony,  in the softness of a cat's fur, and in the coolness of grass under my feet.  Yes, beauty is wherever you look, smell, listen, feel, or taste for it.  It surrounds us in our daily lives.  We sometimes forget to notice it is there, yet it never seems to go away as long as we try to.
    Beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder, but it is amazing how you can behold beauty that you never knew existed before.  It is essential to recognize that even though the surroundings may appear to stink, one must simply wander elsewhere to find the beauty.     It does take a little effort, but so little in fact, that you will be far out rewarded by beauty than you will be worn out from having to look for it.

Date:  11/2/2000
Dear Journal:    New Year's Resolutions

Well, Samhain has come and gone.  It was fun to do my first Samhain ritual.  It would have been more fun if I could have done it my friends.  I did get to see them online though so it was still fun!  It is hard being a Solitary Practitioner of Fairy Wicca.  I am more into what I am doing when I am doing it together with people I care about.  It is no fun having to wait for the household to fall asleep so I can perform my Magic without interruptions and 20 questions.  Any other time I love to hear questions from people!   

Well, it is the 2nd day of the Pagan New Year!  So far it only feels slightly different from the last, but the air of change is definitely noticeable.

My New Year's resolutions are as follows:  1.)   Set a criteria for my work.  The rules I am to live by must be simple enough to stick to yet difficult enough to challenge me to improve, yet realistic enough that by the end of the year I may have most of them, if not all of them, accomplished.  2.)  Keep my options open.  Being that the unexpected is continually occurring I must allow myself the options of fluctuating my behavior due to outside circumstances rather than set rigid rules for myself and those around me.  This way, if I break one of the rules in the first part, under the correct circumstance, I will not be so hard on myself.  3.)   People come first.  Personalities differ as much as the packages they come in.  Don't expect that everyone will want to live by my rules and my ways because they work the best for me.  4.)    Be empathic to other people's needs.  As we go through the many stages of life, we all react to each one differently.  Remember that what is easy for me, is not as easy for another, or may be what is difficult for me is not as difficult to another.

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