Fred took his Viagra that morning
Before eight, just like t'doctor
had said,
And he went off to work optimistic,
With deep thoughts running round
in his head.
His wife had complained a lot
lately
That his ardour had cooled down
a lot
In t'seventeen years since they'd
married,
When their love life had been
running hot.
He supposed that it happened
to all men,
That some lead in their pencils
they'd need.
"So be grateful," he thought
"That t'medical mob
Had invented a cure, yes indeed!"
He knew he still fancied his
missis,
In their bedroom he still liked
to peek,
But bemoaned that his spirit
was willing,
While his poor ageing flesh had
grown weak.
He showed up at work with a big
grin,
And his mates said he looked
very bright,
So he told them, "I've taken
Viagra,
And I'm on a promise tonight!"
At midday he went for his lunch
break,
But felt strange as he sat down
to eat,
'Cos his underpants felt a bit
too tight,
And he couldn't sit straight
in his seat.
Through t'rest of his shift he
felt hampered,
The results of his pills plain
to see,
And his workmates knew something
was wrong when
He stood up for his afternoon
tea.
It was worse by the time he clocked
off,
'Cos no way could he run for
his train.
So he missed it and waited for
t'next one,
His discomfort now turning to
pain.
He was glad it was coming on
winter,
So his long baggy coat was just
right
To cover his growing ...embarrassment
From people who passed him that
night.
At last he walked in his front
doorway,
He let out a triumphant shout,
But listening for t'voice of
his missis,
He realised her voice had said
nowt!
He found a terse note on the
table:
"Late again, you old miserable
sod,
So I've taken me mother to bingo,
And your supper - well, that's
in the dog!"
Cold showers kept things in control
While he waited for t'wife to
come home,
So he got into bed and admired
The blankets in t'shape of a
dome!
She arrived home at last at 10.30,
At the sound of her foot on the
stair,
Fred called "Come get into t'warm
bed,
You must be near freezing out
there!"
So she did, and Fred hugged her
cold body,
But she said, "Don't try raising
the dead,
'Cos that bingo hall gave me
a headache,
So you can go sleep in t'spare
bed!"
