If I ruled the world, every day would be the first day of spring... etc etc.

What a load of garbage that song provided.  If I could be God for a week, I wouldn’t waste it on keeping the weather on hold, or the world permanently on pause!  My world may not necessarily be better than the current one, but it would certainly be different.

For instance, extreme ratbags of all descriptions would simply be eliminated without trial or any possibility of appeal.  Categories of such ratbags would include paedophiles, greedy politicians, rapists, murderers, stalkers, Robert Mugabe, dishonest politicians, Saddam Hussein, Muhamir Gadaffi, Osama Bin Laden, out-of-touch politicians, drug dealers, home invaders, terrorists, bent politicians, arsonists and bent cops, though with the worst ratbags gone from the face of the earth, police forces all over the world would be redundant.

Lesser ratbags would include robbers, bosses who abuse their position, handbag snatchers, tenants from hell, landlords from hell, litter louts, aggressive drivers, greedy lawyers, drunk drivers and the papparazzi!  A fit punishment for these might be to drop them in the middle of a vast desert to make their way back to what would finally be “civilisation”.  If they continued with their ratbag ways after this ordeal, they would be moved up to category one, and banished from the face of the earth.  One strike and you’re out!

Of course, I would set this up to work on auto, so that no human do-gooder could be swayed by some silver tongued ratbag.

With all these ratbags disposed of, there would be a lot more room on earth for the decent folk to live, and with war, famine, and drought eliminated, we could close down the detention camps and send the refugees back laden with all they would need to start life afresh in countries transformed into virtual paradises.

While I’m at it, maybe I can decree that nobody would care what religion other people followed, making it matter less than what colour eyes people have.

Having cleaned up the human condition, I’d start to have fun... 

I’d banish cockroaches, fleas, flies and spiders to oblivion, followed by dandruff, diabetes, cancer and many other diseases that we probably wouldn’t miss much!  Chocolate, ice cream and fish and chips would become health foods, and the phrase “A little of what you fancy does you good” would disappear, to be replaced by “A lot of what you fancy keeps you alive, fit and healthy”.  This would also cover alcohol, making it impossible for drunks to get anything other than happy or sleepy!

The rain in Spain would stay mainly in the dams, as it would all over the world, and it would be strictly prohibited during daylight hours, except for special occasions.  I’d invest Don Burke with the brain to invent self-watering gardens, available free to everyone.  Self cleaning houses would be a top priority, with the word housework disappearing from common usage.

The OPEC countries would wake up one morning and say “Oh dear!  We’ve been charging too much for oil for too many years.  We’ll channel all that ill gained wealth into developing cheap solar power for the whole world to make up for what we’ve done!”

It might be nice to have one TV channel devoted entirely to sport just for the footy fanatics, so the rest of us wouldn’t have to put up with huge chunks of viewing time taken up by crazed commentators who seem to think it’s important which team of hunky men in cute tight shorts win a game.

Just for the ladies who like cooking shows, any wonderful looking dish cooked up by a TV chef, naked or dressed, would appear on the home table at the press of a button, so we could judge whether it tastes good enough to make it ourselves.

I think I should also have to put a ban on writers who do more than two pages of homework, depriving others of the opportunity to have their say!  Goodbye!