When I return to England, the first thing I will notice will be the cold, the rain, the snow, the hail, the sleet and the grey skies.

Then I will become aware of the long, pinched, white faces of  the people, with red noses peeking out from behind woollen scarves, and their bodies imprisoned in layers of clothing.  Gloves, hats, boots, scarves, and thick overcoats.  An impoverished people, constantly wondering how they are going to afford to pay their poll tax, their television licences, and their annual MOT test on the cars they can barely afford to run.

Beyond the people I will notice buildings thick with the grime of years, rising from dirty, littered, rain-swept slum streets.  Bradford, where the old joke tells of birds flying backwards to keep the soot out of their eyes.

A trip to the seaside offers little to compensate.  Grey seas across beaches choc a block with litter, deckchairs, and vans dispensing fish and chips, candy floss, shrimps, hot dogs and jugs of tea.  Children armed with buckets and spades pick their way through donkey shit, and nag Mum and Dad for a ride on the donkeys.  The poor animals, forced to trudge up and down the same little stretch of beach for hours on end, with never an obvious sign of water or feed to ease their torment.

Back from the beach are the  funfairs and arcades, waiting with flashing lights and loud music to take the money from the pockets of the visitors.  The screams from the Big Dipper and other amusement rides compete with the cries of “Bingo!” from the open air games, and the penny a time series of laughs from the mechanical laughing sailor.  Then you can get annoyed at the smug people at the boarding house who can’t wait to tell you how wonderful the weather was last week, and what a pity you missed it, but cheer up, it might stop raining by tomorrow.

I reflect on what we have here in Australia.  Blue skies and blue seas.  Almost empty beaches that seem to go on forever, with no vans, deckchairs or donkey rides.  Barbecues in the parks and forests.  Strong vigorous people who wouldn’t know what to do with gloves and scarves and thick coats, and who look fit and healthy.  A bird life beyond belief.  Sunshine.  Jacaranda trees lining the streets.  Boating on the Swan.  Fishing from the jetties.  Fish and chips at the fishing boat harbour.  Sidewalk cafes.

No, I shall never return to England.