Dear Mum,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm OK.  Pentonville ain't too bad, and you know me, I'm not about to top meself because I'm inside, no fear.  I can do ten months standing on me head, and I'll be out before you know it.

I've said hello to Uncle Jack and to Cousin Alf, don't forget to remember me to all the rellies on the outside, and tell them we'll be having a knees-up down the Queen's Garter a week or so before Christmas.  I could go a pint right now, come to think of it.  All we get in here is bloody weak tea, too weak to crawl out of the sodding teapot.

I suppose you'll be wanting to know what happened, the real truth like.  Well, the beak found me guilty, even though I told the 'ole truth and nothing but.  But I know you'll believe me, Mum.

Well, first of all, it was a horrible big mistake, I went into the wrong bleeding house, didn't I?  Them terrace houses all look alike in the dark, how was I to know it was number 55, not number 57?  I thought Bren had changed the lock when me key didn't work, so I gave it a bit of help like, and went in.  I thought I'd surprise her, so I got undressed downstairs and crept up the old apples as quiet as a mouse in church. 

Yeah, I know it was wrong, but if I could just have a few words with her I knew I could get her to drop the charges against me.  After all, I didn't exactly give her that black eye on purpose.  I know she'd been seeing Tiny Wallace on the side, but I only meant it to be a clip round the ear, but she sort of ducked and copped a real shiner.

Anyway, I hopped into bed, and all hell broke loose.  She screamed, and all the lights went on, and suddenly the bloody bedroom was as full of bluebottles as a summer picnic, all yelling and grabbing at me, with their bloody truncheons at the ready.

Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather!  It wasn't Bren, and it wasn't her bedroom!

Well, they charged me with breaking and entering, assault and attempted rape of the skinny old cow whose bed I'd jumped into, but Jesus Christ, I'd have to be desperate!  Turned out her old man had threatened to do her in, so the fuzz were staked out at her house that night, just my luck!  When she saw I wasn't her old man, she went into hysterics, and I wanted to slap her across the face to shut her up, like they do in the movies, but the fuzz wouldn't let me.

Then when Bren heard the commotion from next door, she came belting out and added her two penn'orth, said I'd assaulted her too.  Well, that was it, and I was down the nick before you could do the Lambeth Walk.  It was worth it to get away from that screeching old harridan!  Still, they didn't believe a word I told them, so here I am.

Chin up, Mum, it ain't forever, so put the kettle on halfway through December, and pop a hot water bottle in me bed.

See you for Christmas,

Your loving son,

P.S.  Yeah Mum, I can hear you saying it again, stay away from Bren, she's nothing but trouble, but I really fancied her, you know?

Anyway, you've got your wish.  After that night I don't want nothing more to do with her.  After all, it was her bloody fault I literally got caught with me pants down!