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Beryl Yeomans, you are charged that on December twenty fifth of last year, at two thirty a.m. you did wilfully and deliberately
perform an act of vandalism at the residence of John Howard, in that you poured a large container of canine excrement down
the chimney at the aforementioned residence. You are further charged with creating a disturbance of the peace at Mr Howard's
residence on the same night. The state is to be represented by Mr Arthur Hardman, while my learned friend Mr Jack Softly
will appear for the defence. How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?
Guilty Your Honour, but with extreme provocation.
M'Lud, the prosecution will show that the defendant, Mrs Beryl Yeomans, did, with the aid of a system of pulleys, and
two friends who have not been identified, pour a large volume of excrement into the chimney of Mr John Howard's house. This
rendered his house unfit for habitation until after the holiday, when he was able to call in a team of professional cleaners.
He is making a civil claim in the Small Claims Tribunal to recover from the defendant their costs and the cost of the hotel
in which he had to spend the holiday period. Also he is claiming for the cost of replacing a pair of green curtains, irretrievably
damaged in the incident.
Your Honour, the defence admits the offence, but wishes to put forth a lengthy chronicle of provocative events on the
part of Mr Howard, which mitigate the offence, and I am sure will lead to my client's charges being dismissed.
Mr Howard, will you please tell us in your own words exactly what transpired on the night in question?
Well, Your Worship, I was sound asleep in my bed, with my poor old dog sleeping on his mat beside me, when I was awakened
by the sounds coming from my roof, sounds of people moving around. Well, at that time of year, it's not hard to imagine what
went through my mind before I was fully awake.
Then a voice yelled out "Here comes Santa Claus", then a great whooshing sound and a horrible smell. When I
got to my window, I was just in time to see the old... sorry Your Worship, to see Mrs Yeomans and two friends running off,
laughing hysterically.
Mrs Yeomans, would you please tell us of the incidents which provoked this retaliation on your part.
At this point Your Honour, my client would like to read out the deposition she made in order to clarify the situation.
MRS. YEOMANS' DEPOSITION:
I knew the irascible old swine was there, partially hidden by his tatty veranda blind. He stood there every morning,
observing, smug, but just out of view, while his Rottweiler defecated on my lawn.
I felt the tight pulling together of the muscles under my ribs, as the urge to smack his smugness nearly overtook me.
My mouth sucked on itself while I tightened my jaw, immobilised by my upbringing, which abhorred violence and demanded politeness
to others. I was also supported by a sliver of wisdom from my mind which said, "Bide your time, your turn will come."
Our hostility, though always present, was snide and fermenting. A kind of one-upmanship, undeclared, but silently acknowledged
by both. I honestly don't know who is the more evil, him or me, but in my heart I give him the Guernsey.
The Rottweiler had finished now, curse the damn creature, and I knew I would soon see its master appear with the lead,
as though he had just stepped on to the scene, and was about to take the beast for a walk.
He would say "Good morning," as usual, while his face twisted in the sneering half-smile of the point-scorer.
I loathed him, and at those times I hated myself for my impotence in the situation. As usual I would clean it up. That
was part of my daily itinerary. My mind tinkered with murder.
I could wait.
Of course I would scoop it up. But not while he was watching. No way would I give him that satisfaction.
Today's pile would be quietly added to the large drum of dog shit that I was accumulating outside my back shed. It was
coming along nicely. Well over half full, and not long to go. The same drum that would be up-ended over his lounge room
chimney on Christmas Eve.
To its dark and soggy contents the right balance of water would be added for mobility. I planned to add a Christmas lily
from my front garden, to give the whole thing a seasonal focus.
Yes, that would be a nice touch.
Thank you, Mrs Yeomans, for that catalogue of horrors which have been inflicted on you by Mr Howard and his dog.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you have heard the closing arguments from counsel. Mr Hardman for the prosecution alleges
that the defendant, Mrs Yeomans, did maliciously cause great damage, hardship and expense to Mr Howard, an allegation which
Mrs Yeomans makes no attempt to deny. On the other hand, Mr Softly for the defence claims that for the few months preceding
the offence, Mr Howard had subjected his client to gross provocation. He admits that Mrs Yeomans should properly have taken
Mr Howard to court for these offences, but due to her pecuniary situation, could not afford to do so. Mr Softly also claims
that due to this provocation, Mrs Yeomans could be said to have acted in self defence, and that all charges against her should
be dropped.
You must weigh the evidence presented in this case, and if you find that Mrs Yeomans acted in a malicious manner, then
you must find her guilty as charged. If, on the other hand, you find that she reacted to gross provocation, then you should
declare her not guilty of the charges against her.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, how do you find the defendant? Guilty or not guilty?
© Sandy Parkinson and Beryl Yeomans 1999 Word count 1012
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