You'll probably think that I'm lying
In the hope that I'll get some attention,
But in view of what happens at my place,
There's something that I ought to mention.

You know I've been having intruders
Making free with my house and my yard,
And my nerves are completely in ribbons,
'Cos I'm taking it all pretty hard.

Well, I had yet another on Monday.
When I got back from lunch with the club.
But this one, he didn't want money,
It appears that he just wanted grub!

I don't know how he got in my backyard,
But my back door was open real wide,
So, spotting this rare lapse on my part.
He instantly hurried inside.

I asked what the hell he was doing.
He just gave me a cold-blooded stare
And marched through the house like he owned it,
Just exactly as if I weren't there.

I offered some bread and some water,
But that fare was not to his taste.
He didn't want oranges either,
And bananas, they just went to waste.

He eventually left by the front door,
I was sorry to see him depart,
'Cos you don't often see blue tongued lizards
And all that he stole was my heart!