Take two of these and call me in the morning,
And if you need to take some more, please do,
'Cos the agony you're feeling is a warning
That there's something very nasty wrong with you.

I know you like to smoke, but you must stop it,
'Cos each cigarette's another coffin nail,
If you keep it up, your lungs are going to cop it,
And your breathing capability will fail.

You'd better not have sugared drinks with each meal,
Or your teeth will rot, and then they'll all fall out.
And from what you say about the way your feet feel,
Your test results could show that you've got gout.

I have no wish to worry you unduly,
But your BSL is very high today,
Stop eating things you really like, then truly
You'll live to fall apart some other day.

They say that you should use it or you'll lose it,
So exercise for half an hour each day.
Just walk or swim or cycle, should you choose it,
So when they mug you, you can run away.

You have to lose some weight, you're getting bigger,
An easy thing to do if you but try.
If you want the guys to whistle at your figure
Just eat less, yes, I know you'd rather die!


Just put aside the chocolate and the French fries,
Be satisfied with salad on your plate.
If you want to get down to a smaller dress size,
Eat what you like of anything you hate!

You're due for urgent surgery ASAP.
I hope that they can find a vacant bed.
'Cos if the wards are full of private patients
We'll have to book you in next year instead!

I'll see you in a week or two, God willing,
I'm glad that I can set your mind at ease.
But I'm sorry that I've given up bulk billing,
So pay the bill when on your way out, please!

© Sandy Parkinson, January 2003