Nowadays we don’t tend to think of boats too often, except when a huge one comes into harbour and drops its passengers, and then everybody lines the docks to see it leave again.

But if it weren’t for boats, mankind wouldn’t exist.  Well, one boat, anyway.  You know the one, the smelly one, loaded to the gunnels with animals, two by two.  Yep, Noah’s Ark of course!

There are a few little known tales of what went on in that boat, originally excluded from the Bible, but later found in scrolls excavated from a highly secret location somewhere in the vicinity of Mount Ararat.  These are reputed to be the journal of Noah’s wife, who had no name in the Bible, but who referred to herself in the scrolls as Noahlene.

In the first scroll, she admits that she smuggled onto the Ark a few extra rabbits and chickens to keep them in meat and eggs.  After all, one chicken would find itself working overtime to keep eight humans in omelettes, and rabbits are well known for their fast turnover, the original renewable resource.

“How the Almighty expected me to feed Noah and the kids, I could not imagine,” she moaned, “but I figured that a little sleight of hand would make life more tolerable aboard that blasted boat.”

God had decreed that there was to be no copulation on the Ark, so Noahlene picked a time when God and Noah had their heads together over the plans for the finishing touches, to smuggle the stowaways onto the boat.  She stowed them in the lower bilges, well away from God’s omnipotence, and if Noah ever suspected that he wasn’t eating entirely from the freezer, he never let on.

She told of the threatened mutiny that was also excluded from mention in the official Scriptures, but which was frequently talked about during their first few years back on dry land.  The problem started because their sons had brought their wives on board the Ark, with the Lord’s permission, of course, and as always, the kids were only too ready to rebel against parental authority.

“I only got married last week,” complained Japheth.  “You can’t expect us to have a honeymoon on a cruise without actually getting together.”

“You see each other when you muck out the elephants,” said Noah.

“But that’s not very romantic.  From now on you can do your own shit shovelling.  Tiffany and I are getting out at the next island we see, and my brothers and their wives are coming with us.  This is a sea cruise, not a bloody monastery!”

“You just don’t listen, do you?” exclaimed Noah.  “There will be no islands, at least not until this is all over, and then you can screw to your heart’s content.  And you’ll need to, if we’re supposed to restock the earth with humans.  Anyway, the Lord’s word is law, and the first couple I catch engaging in any kind of slap and tickle gets chucked overboard, before the Lord sends us an iceberg to teach us obedience.”

Noahlene also explains the disappearance of many animals which used to populate the earth until the Big Wet happened, a fact totally ignored by the Bible’s compilers.

The Bible merely tells us that when the Ark at last came to rest on Mount Ararat, Noah was required to offer up burnt offerings in thanks for their salvation from the waters, but the author of Genesis didn’t elaborate on where these animals came from.

Noahlene said that after long hours of heated debate, Noah ignored her pleas, and decided that the spiders, the snails and the worms would be useful one day, so they had to stay.  Instead he decided to sacrifice the Centaur, the sabre toothed tiger and the T Rex, then threw in the mammoth at the last moment, “To add to the smoke and make sure the Almighty doesn’t miss his own Thanksgiving ceremony.”

The last of Noahlene’s scrolls details how the Ark was dismantled for building material and firewood, so any future generations who went searching for its last resting place would be disappointed, and its so-called discoverers would be known to be cheats and charlatans.

The vast accumulation of Zoo Poo in the bottom of the boat ensured that their new crops grew strong and quickly, though with Ham, Shem and Japheth making up for lost time with their wives, much of the planting, weeding and harvesting was left to Noah and Noahlene.

And so it is to this day.  The parents shall toil in the sun while their kids screw around to their hearts’ content, and vast civilisations are built on bullshit!