I won't say what my problem was,

suffice it just to say

I trotted to the toilet a

hundred times a day.

I lived upon my nerves

and took some pills to calm my gut,

A forest died to make

sufficient bog roll for my butt!

Mine's a very overworked bum, mine is!

My doctor hadn't got a clue,

she sent me down to see

A bloke at Freo Hospital,

who took one look at me.

'You need a colonoscopy!'  he said, 

'We'll do it right away.'

Right away meant seven months,

a fortnight and a day.

Mine's a very patient bum, mine is!

They gave me lemon flavoured stuff,

'Drink it all,' they said.

Three litres of the bloody stuff

before I went to bed!

It made me go, it made me run,

what rotten exercise!

They'd warned me that I'd need to dash,

so that was no surprise.

Mine's a very sore bum, mine is!

I hadn't had a bite to eat

two days before the test,

Just tea and coffee, orange juice,

Bovril and the rest.

My dreams were full of fish and chips,

saliva running, then

Wrenched awake I had to race

out to the loo again!

Mine's a very sensitive bum, mine is!

I got to Freo Hospital

an hour before the test,

They took me to a cubicle

and made me get undressed.

They put me in a silly gown,

all open down the back,

So when it came to privacy,

I really felt the lack!

Mine's a very private bum, mine is!

I lay upon the table,

a needle in my hand,

They pumped me full of happy juice,

by God, I did feel grand!

And whilst I lay in happy state,

oblivious to the world,

The mysteries of my inner works

were to the doc unfurled.

Mine's a very public bum, mine is!

Then lying in recovery, I

 got the happy news,

'There's sandwiches and tea for you,

or coffee too, you choose!

And there is nothing wrong with you,

the test says you are fine,

So hop it and come back here

in another two years time!'

Mine's a very relieved bum, mine is!

But trouble is, we still don't know

what causes all my strife,

It's not prospective cancer

that's mucking up my life.

And diverticulitis

doesn't cause my diarrhoea,

I guess I'll never know what's

given me a dire rear!

Mine's a very perplexed bum, mine is!