There's a shovel in me carport, and bags of bulbs and seeds,

A long day looms before me, with a garden full of weeds.

I've lots and lots of plants in pots and cuttings by the score,

There are roses and geraniums, antirrhinums and much more.

Me mulch is at the ready, me rubber gloves at hand,

They never said it cost so much, to work me bit of land.

Me trowel cost a lot of dough, me little fork as well,

Me spade and rake and hoe were dear, those nurseries charge like hell!

8 Bags of fertiliser too, they loaded in me boot,

And rose food and that hormone stuff to make me cuttings root.

Some trellis too, to train me plants to climb against the wall,

And stakes and twine and potting mix and Osmocote and all.

To keep the slugs and snails at bay, some pellets I will need,

And dog and cat repellent to spray where they have peed.

That reminds me, I shall need some hose with tap attachment bits,

The invoice that came with it all quite gave me the shits!

But now I've gone and bought all that, it's time to have some fun,

To put me 15+ cream on and get out in the sun.

To dig out stones and rocks and bones and other kinds of junk,

To load them all into me boot and take them to the dump.

To pull up all the onion grass, whose roots seem full of muscle,

 Will take up all me energy, I'm in for quite a tussle!

I'll huff and puff and grunt and groan, and wish I'd never heard

Of gardening, and with nursery men I'd like a little word.

'Oy mate' I'll say, 'Take back today all this stuff you sold me.

This gardening lark is hell on wheels, too bad you never told me!'

I'll take me business down the road, relieved of all this fuss

And cultivate me garden with the help of Bricks R Us!