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The basic difference
between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior
affect the rights and well being of others.
Sharon Anthony Bower
Assertiveness is a viewpoint or action in which we express our
will.
Assertiveness is based on various concepts:
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We have the right to exist. |
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We have the right to express who we are and what we want, while accepting
the fact that other people have an equal right to their own existence. |
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We have self esteem. Assertiveness and self esteem cannot exist without
one other. We act assertively only when we believe that we have a right to
express ourselves, and that what we express is important. We have self
esteem only when we confront the demands of life and people and recognize
that we have the capability to do so. |
Assertiveness is not the same as aggression.
| Assertiveness is a neutral or even benevolent act, expressed for the
satisfaction of a specific need. It subsides when the need has been fulfilled.
Intuition can prescribe the precise actions that will satisfy our need without
unduly imposing upon other people. Intuition is based on the dynamics of the
common spirit substance between the two people, so it does not favor one
person's advantage over the other. We have a right to express ourselves, and so
do other people. Intuition tunes us into the rhythm of life such that we know
when to speak and when to listen. |
| Aggression is a distorted expression of assertiveness. When we are
aggressive, we display the following traits: We seek not only the goal, we also want to discharge the dysfunctional
elements from our designs. In a restaurant, we seek not only to have our
steak returned to the kitchen to be cooked more, we also use the opportunity
to discharge the residual anger in what we can call our consumer design,
because we were recently outraged at the person who sold us a faulty
appliance. In any aggressive act, the design elements can include:
 | Thoughts. We can have the following beliefs: We live in a world
that seems to withhold whatever we want, so we need to be aggressive in
order to attain our goals. We don't trust life to be fair and giving, so
we try to develop our personal power as a weapon with which we can fight
for our goals. We feel inadequate meeting people on fair terms. We feel
that we must compensate for this inadequacy by forcing people to give us
what we desire. |
| Energy tones. Those tones can include:
 | Anger, that we are living in a world that seems to be hostile and
uncaring. |
| Envy, that someone has an item that we want. |
| Fear, that we won't get what we want. |
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| Imagery. |
| Aggression comes from a position of weakness. When we are not powered
by our intuition, by default, we are powered by the residual energy of our
design elements, the lingering anger from other situations in which we didn't
get what we wanted. In contrast, intuition based assertiveness creates a
win-win situation. |
| Aggression can become a way of life. We can become stuck in the
aggressive mode simply because we are basing our viewpoints and actions on the
relatively static condition of our dysfunctional elements rather than the
constantly changing guidance of intuition. Aggressive people tend to be
aggressive toward everything. They create a backlash from society and from
their own psyche, via guilt. This backlash can convince the aggressors that
the world is indeed a battleground where aggression is necessary. In reality,
aggression is an inefficient and wasteful approach to problems. |
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We gain benefits from assertiveness.
| We are more likely to get what we want.
We increase the possibility of
success because we say what we think and feel and want, and we take action,
and we stand up against people who unfairly try to stop us. |
| We avoid unnecessary confrontations. |
| We can be more generous and loving. |
| We avoid the consequences of non-assertiveness. Assertiveness is a state
of balance. At one extreme is aggression, at the other extreme is passivity.
Passive, non-assertive people pleasers are likely to encounter many problems
such as emotional depression, co-dependent relationships, lack of success in
attaining goals, lack of physical vitality, resentment and bitterness, over
sensitivity to the problems of other people at the expense of their own well-being, excessive dependence on approval from other people, vulnerability
to manipulation, low self esteem, unwarranted embarrassment, shame, fear of
people and situations, excessive self criticism, and the use of passive
aggression in which they pretend to be helpless and defenseless in order to
manipulate other people. |
Techniques for increasing assertiveness.
| Affirmations. Sample statements: "I have a right to be fully
alive.", "I enjoy expressing myself.", "When I am
assertive, I can show my love for people.", "Assertiveness helps me
to get what I deserve.". |
| Directed imagination. We can visualize scenarios in which we are
expressing ourselves with the appropriateness and warmth that elicit the
support and cooperation of other people. |
| Modeling. We can act as if we are assertive. |
| We develop awareness of intuition. Intuition guides us in our actions,
some of which we can classify as assertive. |
| We develop a healthy ego. The design of a healthy ego does not contain
elements that would cause either aggression or passivity. The ego's duty is to
create our human life, so it must be assertive, but it recognizes the
inefficiency and backlash that are caused by aggression and passivity. |
| We express our opinions. What do we think? What do we feel? We are able
to disagree with people, and to give constructive suggestions. |
| We personalize our opinions to avoid confrontation. We say, "I
like this song," not "This is a good song," so that the
statement expresses a mere preference rather than a challenge. We are not
intimidated or shamed when our opinions are contradicted by other people. |
| We make decisions. We take responsibility for decisions and feel free
to change our mind later. |
| We explore the "friendly" side of assertiveness.
Assertiveness doesn't always wear a serious face. We are also being assertive
when we smile, initiate a handshake, start or close a conversation, develop a
friendship or relationship, express enthusiasm and happiness. |
| We make requests. We do this by asking questions, seeking assistance
when we need it, and expressing our needs and desires. |
| We create limits on our service to others. We don't have to solve other
people's problems. We say "no" when necessary, without feeling
guilty. |
| We think for ourselves. We are allowed to have any viewpoint that we
want to have, regardless of the beliefs that have been given to us by others
and the beliefs that we have previously established for ourselves. |
| We use assertive body language. We stand tall. We walk with confidence.
We have firm but non-threatening eye contact. We allow ourselves to have
presence. |
| We speak with a strong tone of voice. We find a balance between the shy
whispering of the non-assertive person, and the forcefulness of the aggressive
person. Instead, our voice is warm, clear, and decisive. |
| We engage in activities that allow a relatively free and harmless
exploration of assertiveness and aggression. We can learn about our ego,
pride, self esteem, and other related issues in activities such as sports,
games, and debates Some people learn about those issues in destructive
activities such as warfare, bar room fights, and gang violence.
Assertiveness is not
what you do, it's who you are!
Cal Le Mon |
Next topic: Acceptance |
