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Conversation Skills
To express the most difficult matters
clearly and intelligently, is to strike coins out of pure gold.
Geibel
 Conversation is a skill and an art. Conversation is not a random
exchange of words. We can use structures and techniques that permit better
transmission of ideas and feelings and practice these skills whenever we talk.
If we need a low pressure environment for developing these skills, we can
practice them in casual conversation or we can tape ourselves as we converse
with friends or in a mock conversation or presentations when we are alone.
Techniques for conversation.
 | Be confident.
As we learn the skills, and discover that they are effective, our confidence
increases in conversations. We also find that many people are eager to talk to
us. They enjoy meeting someone new and finding common interests. We, too,
experience more of this pleasure as our conversations become easier, more
successful, and more fun. |
| Be relaxed. If we act comfortable, our conversation partner is likely to
be more expressive and warm. We create this openness by acting patient, giving
the person time to speak, and not interrupting unless we need an explanation, by
paying attention, not looking at our watch or other people, speaking in a deeper
tone and slower pace, and by using friendly body language ,a calm facial
expression, a smile, and composure in our movements and posture. To relax, we
suspend performance anxiety. This conversation is to be enjoyed, not to prove
anything and as an art form, it flourishes when we conduct it primarily from the
playful right hemisphere of the brain rather than the analytical left. |
| Be accepting. Our partner needs to feel safe, knowing that his or her
words and mannerisms aren't being scrutinized or criticized. The speaker wants
to talk to someone who acknowledges, understands, and respects the validity of
their feelings, while not seeking either sympathy or approval. Sometimes a
person merely wants someone to listen with attentiveness and warmth. |
| Try to enter the other person's world. We generally live in our own
worlds. We view events differently, we think differently, and we have
slightly different meanings for words. To understand someone else's words,
we need to grasp a larger sense of the person. To the extent that we are
able, we set aside our preconceptions, our stereotypes, our psychological
models, and our desire to hear what we want to hear. We try to understand
the general viewpoint from which this person is speaking. We can find
glimpses of the speaker's past, and childhood, and subculture, and
experiences, and conclusions about life. When we do this, we gain empathy,
better comprehension, a more intimate dialogue, and a fascinating voyage
into the new territory of another person's way of perceiving, thinking, and
feeling. |
| Make the conversation personal. We can develop certain structures and
formulas to use in conversation, but we need to allow flexibility and
spontaneity because we are speaking to a unique individual in a one of a
kind tête-à-tête. Personalize a conversation by revealing feelings,
perspectives, and personal information about yourself but only to an extent
that is appropriate with this individual, in this situation, and at this
stage of the conversation, not too soon. You are presenting yourself, not
textbook ideas or flippant clichés. Another way to make a conversation
personal is to say your friend's name often: "Mary, I know what you
mean." |
| Make the conversation fun for the other person. Even when a
conversation is primarily for the exchange of information, we can add
flourishes that make it entertaining by adding colorful details, humor,
and an animation of our expressions and gestures. When listening, we can
show our interest and appreciation by responding through comments, gestures,
and facial expressions. |
| Express your opinions. Opinions personalize and enliven a
conversation. They must be expressed appropriately. Some topics such as
religion and politics, tend to incite discomfort and arguments. An opinion
needs to be presented gently as a personal thought, and not as a belligerent
stance. This approach allows the other person to give a contrary perspective
without any apprehension that a quarrel will ensue. To indicate that our
opinion is an invitation to communicate, and not to argue dogma, we can
start with the words, "In my opinion ..." or "It seems to me
that ..." |
| Keep the conversation going. A conversation retains momentum if we
listen carefully to the speaker's words and respond sincerely with our
remarks and body language, to demonstrate that we are being entertained and
informed. We can encourage the speaker with comments such as "I have
always wanted to know more about that subject" or "What happened
then?" or "What did you feel about that?" When we are the
speaker, we can take responsibility for adding some engaging details even if
our listener does not ask for them. If we know that a person or group likes
to talk about a specific subject, we can enhance our ability to converse in
that situation by learning more about the topic. |
| Use open ended questions. We advance the conversation by asking open
ended questions that require details and personal involvement. Closed ended
questions are those that can be answered with "yes" or
"no" or another brief, factual answer that can leave us with
little to build upon. When we are asked a closed ended question, we can add
further information so the conversation does not stall with a one word
response. |
| Accept the silences. Sometimes we run out of things to say, and we
encounter silence. If we are fearfully anticipating those pauses, we are not
listening to the person and not picking up on the cues upon which we
continue the conversation. An occasional lull can be useful. It lets us
relax, and digest what has been said, and then perhaps veer to a new topic.
Silence also allows democracy. If one person has been dominating the
conversation, a pause lets the other person speak. To be comfortable with
the inevitable silences is to be comfortable with ourselves and our partner.
If we become self conscious during these moments, or at any time other
during the conversation, we lose contact with our feelings and thoughts and
with the person and our surroundings and those are the sources of
conversation topics that would bring a natural end to the silence. |
| Be an active listener. |
| Be able to give and receive compliments. |
Techniques for handling disagreements.
| It's all right to
disagree. Conflict is a part of life that, ideally, can be settled without
arguing. When we feel strong emotions, and an intense need to express
ourselves and to change a situation, arguments can occur. In that case, we do
better to reveal our feelings regardless of the volume and heat than to deny
the problem and allow it to worsen. Sometimes the harshest argument is the
most honest and productive. Arguments are indications that we care. The
passion of the argument is equal to the passion of the relationship.
Disagreements can result in understanding and a decrease of tension. If we
follow the guidelines given here, our conflicts can be settled more fruitfully
and congenially. |
| Winning isn't the goal. |
| Timing is important. When you become aware of a problem, mention it
soon, so that your feelings can be expressed directly, rather than in the
exaggerated form they can assume if allowed to fester. Speak to the person
when you two can be alone. If other people are listening, the main concern
can be to save face rather than to discuss the matter. Select a time when
the person is likely to be receptive, not when he or she is obviously
engaged by other problems. Find an occasion when you can both set aside some
time for the talk. Don't start to discuss a complex issue three minutes
before the lunch whistle. At the end of the dialogue, allow time for both
parties to think further about the subject before deciding on an action, but
don't let this delay become a procrastination. |
| Express your grievance directly. |
| Let the other person speak. Listen carefully, without becoming
defensive or angry, and without interrupting, except for clarification. Ask
for an explanation of any point or emotion that you don't understand. Beware
of taking anything for granted or assuming implications about the statements
or motives. Even if the opinion seems unreasonable, show respect for the
fact that everyone is entitled to an opinion of any type. Consider the
possibility that the person merely wants to be heard and understood, or
wants to blow off steam. In those situations, we need only to listen and say
that we empathize even if we don't understand. |
| Be respectful. When we fight dirty in an argument, we diminish the
possibility of a resolution, we damage the relationship, and we create the
possibility of further conflict and retaliation. Refrain from insults,
accusations, sarcasm, threats, or attacks on the person's intelligence or
judgment. If we talk about the problem and behavior as objectively as
possible, the person will be less inclined to become defensive or
emotionally distraught. Appreciate the person's cooperation in talking about
the matter. |
| Stay on the subject. A productive argument has a well defined
subject. We don't mention other issues, and we don't entangle other people.
In defining the conflict, we need to find its real reason. Are we angry
because the person was late for the meeting, or is the anger actually
resulting from our feeling that he or she doesn't pay enough attention to
us? |
| Look for points of agreement. We build a resolution step by step by
finding elements upon which we agree. Perhaps the only agreement is that we
both want to settle the issue. We can start with a compliment such as
"These three things are very good, but this other one is not what I
requested". |
| Try to learn from the disagreement. |
The art of conversation
consists as much in listening politely, as in talking agreeably.
Atwell
Next topic: Habits |
