| |
Friendship is the source of
the greatest pleasures, and without friends even the most agreeable pursuits become tedious.
St. Thomas Aquinas
 Friendship is the easy, warm, intuitive connection between people.
Friendship is conditional, in that it is founded on a sharing of common
interests and values. It also has an element of the unconditional in that our
friends are people who are fond of us for who we are, even if they can't
articulate their reasons for the fondness and this is what makes friendships
such a special experience.
We can look for certain qualities in a potential friend. To some extent,
friendship happens naturally. We have been conversing frequently with someone at
a job or club, and then we realize that a friendship has begun. We usually have
to make an effort to find friendship. One strategy is to look for people who
have certain qualities that are most likely to lead to a camaraderie. We can
still remain open to people who have traits that don't coincide with our list a
someone may surprise us by having other traits that are endearing. Friendship is
not reducible to a formula. Our friendships may be strongest with people who
have the same hobbies, profession, values, and outlook that we possess. With
these commonalities, we can spend time playing at that hobby, or talking shop,
or discussing matters with someone who understands us. Other friendships are
based on differences. We seek someone who is an expert in a field in which we
are an enthusiastic novice or we want someone who is a free spirit to
counterbalance our over seriousness. If we know which qualities we need in a
friend, we are more likely to make fruitful selections. Friendship evolves from
our feelings, any logical analysis is irrelevant, and we can admit, "I
don't know why, I just like being with that person."
Techniques for developing friendship.
 | Cultivate social
skills such as conversation and etiquette which is the art of helping
people to feel comfortable. |
| Be yourself. |
| Share activities. We become connected to people simply by spending
time together, and talking, and doing the same activities. Friendships
require this commitment of time. We start to view one another as a source of
pleasure and fun, because of our adventures together. |
| Learn about the person. We explore our friend's feelings, thoughts,
tastes, and dreams. We do this by being attentive, listening with curiosity
and eye contact, and noticing details about the person's appearance and
mannerisms. From this understanding, we can find and share common interests,
and we also enjoy the novelty of our differences. This leads to the
conversations and activities upon which friendships are built. We discover
our friend's needs, so that we can help to fulfill them. Through all of this
learning, we permit the friend to explore us in the same way but we don't
try to know everything about the person. We enjoy the surprises and
spontaneities that keep our friendship fresh. |
| Do favors. When we give our time and effort to someone, we are
giving evidence of friendship. One of the delights of friendship is the
opportunity to express our compassionate and helpful nature to a person who
is appreciative and reciprocative. |
| Be trustworthy. We have a need to expose our secrets, and to know
that the private aspects of ourselves are acceptable. Our tender
vulnerabilities need to be touched and affirmed. These things can happen in
a friendship but this trustworthiness must be proven, starting with small
confidentialities. We take risks and then we find that the person keeps
promises and privacies. Progressively, we lower our defenses a little more,
while still respecting the fact that some things are so personal that they
are for ourselves alone. |
| Support the person. In a non co-dependent friendship, the person is
not exploited to be a therapist or cheerleader. Yet we all benefit from an
occasional external boost to our confidence, and we appreciate someone who
motivates us to prove that our self confidence is justified. Compliments and
encouragement give us strength, as long as we do not use them as
replacements for our own inner resources of power. |
| Accept the uniqueness of each friendship. |
| Accept the changes and difficult times together. |
The language of
friendship is not words but meanings.
Henry David Thoreau
This is the last topic.
Please take a moment and drop us a
line. Your comments will be greatly appreciated.
Click here to leave a comment.
Click here to return
to our home page. |
