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	ACT II: (Back to south pole.) (Next scene. A bit later. Zex is reclining in one of those couch things in a psychiatrists office. A psychiatrist is listening nearby, taking notes.) Psych: What was your previous job, Mr. Marrkey? Zex: Well, I used to be a serial killer. Psych: (non-plussed) Oh? What brought about your change of employment? Zex: Being a serial killer just wasn't something other people could relate to. I wasn't able to talk about it with even my closest friends. I mean, you can't just say, hey, guess what, I'm a serial killer. It just doesn't' go over well. Psych: So you felt that they weren't giving the support you needed? Zex: Yes, exactly. No one appreciated my dreams. I had greater ambitions, you know. That particular field was just the one I wanted to get my start in. Psych: Oh? What did you want to do? Zex: Do you promise not to laugh? Psych: Absolutely, Mr. Marrkey. I'm a proffesional. Zex: Well, what I wanted to do was destroy the world. Psych: Is there any particular reason you want to destroy the world, Mr. Marrkey? Zex: I wanted to fit in. Psych: Is that why you wear a paper bag over your head, Mr. Marrkey? Zex: Well... Usually I wear a mask, but Zorro said I was infringing on his turf and threatening his profits. So he stole it. Psych: Oh? Zex: It's exactly the sort of thing I've always had to put up with Psych: You know, I think Mr. Zorro has serious emotional problems himself. Zex: What makes you think that? Psych: Who's the doctor here? Zex: Well, you are... Psych: Right, so stop asking stupid questions. Zex: What are you talking about? I was just... Psych: (furiously) Silence, fool! You all seem to think that you're the only ones with problems. Well I have feelings to, you know. Do you know what it's like to be run a private practice at the South Pole? How lonely things are? And then you come here and whine about your silly little problems? A mask! That's the silliest thing I've ever heard! Get out of my sight, you miscreant! Zex: (stunned) I didn't mean it that way? Psych: Sure you didn't. What do you know, anyway? Zex: What do you know? I don't even think you're a real psychiatrist. I bet you're some bum who got lost! Psych: No, that's not it all! Get out! Zex: Then why are you on the South Pole? Psych: I said get out! (Zex picks up a large lamp, wields it menacingly.) Zex: Remember my previous occupation? Psych: (cowed) Right. Sorry, Mr. Marrkey. Zex: So tell me, will you? Why are you here? Psych: (meekly) Well, to be honest, the rent is cheap. Zex: Ahh. Any more "advice," for me? Psych: (trying to appease Zex) Yes, I understand your feelings. Everything you say is true. Destroying the world is an admirable dream. I wish I could be more like you. I think you should do it right away. Zex: Very well. I think I will. (Puts down lamp.) (Exits) Zorro: (as Narrator, speaking to Psychiatrist) Well someone sure screwed up, man. Psychiatrist: Hey, what was I supposed to do? Zorro: I don't know. Maybe you could have abstained from insulting a homicidal psychopath. That might have helped. Psychiatrist: For someone who doesn't speak English, you sure have a great vocabulary. Zorro: Bah! At least I'm not hastening the end of the world. Narrator: Yeaahhhh! Zorro: I thought he'd passed out. Psychiatrist: Who? Zorro: It's too complicated to explain. Psychiatrist: I've got plenty of time. Zorro: Well, I was being pursued by the INS, so I hid behind the camera so they wouldn't find him. I ... er ... sold the narrator some of my uhh... wares .... so that he wouldn't tip me off. Psychiatrist: What kind of wares could possibly have that sort of an effect upon the poor man? (Whispering behind camera between Zorro and someone else.) Zorro: My attorney advises that I respectfully decline to answer your question. Psychiatrist: Zorro has a lawyer? Zorro: Litigation, man. Litigation. (Suddenly, the image changes to a scene in outer space. There is a big space ship that looks remarkably like Battleship Libra. It just so happens to be called Battleship Libre.) Zorro: Whoa, change of scenery. I guess I'm supposed to say something. But what? (Noise is heard. Zorro is shaking narrator.) Wake up, man. Wake up. (Narrator does not wake up.) (Now the interior of the spaceship is shown. Zex is walking down a corridor with Dorothy Basque. This character has absolutely nothing to do with that other Dorothy with the quasi autonomous region of Spain as a surname. Again, coincidences abound. Oh yeah, and did I mention her eyebrows?) Zorro: Well, right now the blond psycho guy that wants to destroy the world is in a big space ship with some chick I've never seen before... And they're talking ... And he doesn't have a paper bag over his head ... And a whole bunch of complicate (pauses) STUFF (pauses) is going down. Do I know what it is? No. I don't know. I'm not the narrator. I hate this job. And the year is after colony 123. I do know that. Zex: Well, Dorothy, Battleship Libre is finally completed. Zorro: What do you mean finally completely? It hasn't taken more then fifteen minutes. Dorothy: (no one hears Zorro) That's excellent, Mr. Milliardo. Zex: That isn't my name. Zorro: Hellooo? Anybody hear me? Dorothy: It should be. Zex is a stupid name. Zex: Shutup, Dorothy. Zorro: Dammit! I hate the silent treatment. Dorothy: Was your mother a nymphomaniac or something? Zex: Dorothy! (Suddenly, Darth Vader and some Imperial Troopers -- or whatever those guys in the white suits are called -- enter the corridor.) Darth Vader: This ship is clearly a cheap copy of the Death Star. We demand that you either pay royalties or shut this operation down. Zex: I'm trying to destroy the world, here. I'm not worried copyrights anymore. Darth Vader: Very well, then. (hordes of lawyers rush up behind them.) Zex: Is that all the better you can do? (Snaps fingers) (Hordes of Japanese lawyers rush up behind him) Darth Vader: Forward! (Darth Vader's lawyers charge and attack Zex and his lawyers with their brief cases. Zex's forces are soon in retreat.) Darth Vader: (to his lawyers, soldiers) Take the beam canon and the engines! Zex: I'm going to stop you! Darth Vader: Please, pretty boy. (They prepare to fight. Zex swings and misses. Darth Vader then knocks him clean across the room with a single back handed swipe. Meanwhile, more lawyers arrive to reinforce both sides. They continue to battle with brief cases and printouts. Several of Zex's soldiers also rush in. One is stabbed with a pen by a lawyer. The rest engage the Star Wars soldiers. All the while the background music is playing.) (The scene now shifts back to the South Pole. [Don't you just hate it when they do that?] The Flying Monkey Soldiers have arrived in search of Zex. Meanwhile, Zorro has revived the narrator -- sort of, anyway.) A battle is raging. Seems like everybody is involved.) Narrator: Now the flying Monkey's are descending the South Pole in search of Zex. I guess they don't like him anymore or something. Burp. You have any more of that stuff, man? Zorro: Shutup and tell the plot! Narrator: Right. Okay man. Don't be so anal. Now, what were we talking about? Zorro: The south pole. Narrator: Okay, man. I remember now. It turns out that Trowwa isn't really dead. He just looked that way. So know he's here in his big machine thing that looks like a transformer. Like Optimus Prime. You know Optimus Prime, right, man? That dude rocked. It was like, Transformers, robots in disguise, Transformers more then... Zorro: The plot, the plot. Narrator: I'm getting to it, man. Geez. And Wutang is showing up to, I think. So is Quatro. And then Beero killed the border patrol guys. So he's coming back too. And he has Optimus Prime, too. (Starts singing the transformers song again.) Zorro: No, not Transformers. This show. Narrator: Cool. (pause) Zorro: Well? How'd Beero escape? They had him in handcuffs and everything. And Quatro got tossed in the East River. How'd they get here. Narrator: I don't know. It doesn't say. I guess they wanted them back for the grand finale, but the writers were to lazy to think of an escape, so they just made them come back. They can do that. Zorro: The Grand Finale? Narrator: Yeah. The end of the world. I think that's what the episode is called. Zorro: The end of the world? Oh (BLEEEEEEEEPPPPPP)! That puts a damper on things. Narrator: To bad, man. Do you have any more of that stuff. Zorro: Yeah, screw this show. (both light up) (All through their conversation, a battle has been taking place between the Wundams of Trowwa, Beero, Duoe, Wutang, and Quatro and the forces of the Flying Monkeys.) (The fight continues) (Cut to another scene) (Back room meeting. Including Tojo, Mussolini, Dorothy [the real Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz], the real flying monkeys. A few black shirts and Imperial Japanese soldiers are also present. In the front, a black shirt is a making a presentation.) (A picture of Treize is on the screen.) Blackshirt: As you can see, he follows a weak and demented strain of Fascism. His idiocy is a threat to the entire movement. He must be eliminated at once. Tojo: (angry and terse proclamation in Japanese.) Translator: The esteemed and honorable Mr. Tojo, faithful servant of the Japanese emperor, glory unto him, says shoot the bastard. Mussolini: (in heavily accented English) No, we can't just shoota the bastard, we gotta have some style. (gesticulating violently) We teach him a real lesson. Interpreter: (Translates this back into Japanese) Tojo: (Japanese) Translator: Then we shoot him? Mussolini: No, then we toss inna lake. If he comes up, then we shoot. Bang! Like that! Tojo: Very well. But can't we just shoot him for too for good measure? Mussolini: No, thatsa just -- (Interupted by interpretor) Translator: (to Tojo) Don't you need me to translate for you? Mussolini: Screw authenticity. It takes too damn long. Translator: But... (Tojo looks at Mussolini, Mussolini motions to Black shirt, Translator is dragged away.) (As they open the doors to leave, Dorothy, the tin man, the scarecrow, the lion, etc. and the flying monkeys enter.) Dorothy: We've come to aid you. We want to take down the M.o.n.k.e.y.s, too. Flying Monkey Leader: (angry hisses and squeaks.) Dorothy: Yes, it wasn't very nice of them to steal your name. But don't worry, we'll take care of everything. Mussolini: Very well. But we get the big gay one. Dorothy: As long as I get the psycho with the miss-matching eyebrow. Those eyebrows are a direct affront to the Dorothy name. Mussolini: To the south pole, then. Tojo: We will destroy them all! (All laugh in an exceedingly evil manner. End of Scene.) (Big climactic scene at the end! Hooray! Starting .... Now! At the south pole, of course.) (Battle is raging. All are mobile fighting in mobile suits, including the Flying M.o.n.k.e.y. soldiers, all of whom look exactly alike.) Beero: I will kill you! M.o.n.k.e.y.2: No! (Boom!) Trowwa: Those who set eyes on a Wundam shall not live to tip cows. M.o.n.k.e.y.3: That's not right... (Boom) Duoe: Why did the chicken cross the road? M.o.n.k.e.y.4: To get to the -- (Boom) Duoe: Am I great or what? (Flips pony tail, blows up another Flying M.o.n.k.e.y.) Quatro: Why don't you surrender? M.o.n.k.e.y.5: What? (Boom.) Quatro: You should have surrendered. M.o.n.k.e.y.6: He didn't hear you! (And a Boom for M.o.n.k.e.y. number six, as well) Wutang: You are my enemy. (Boom) M.o.n.k.e.y.8: Me too? (Boom) Wutang: (to penguins on ground) You are weak! (Boom. Wutang Continues to blow up penguins.) Wutang: Is that all you've got? (Enter Treize in a Mobile suit.) Treize: Fighting in battle can indeed be beautiful but from the core of the victors come the cows that have no valor and give way to massacres. God does not like massacres, which is why I am chivalrous and you are not; giving rise to the irreconcilable conflict of winners turned losers turned winners turned losers again over the course of human nature ages cheesy puffs. Which is why God understands what we do so as not to reconcile the rift of fools in outmoded Beelzebub thoughts chivalry and valor conquer all and bring about a better understanding of mass appeal in corporate structure government, which is another thing liked by God other then me because I am chivalrous and our mission is great, which is due to chivalry and the sorrow built upon by us through others wishes and blood. That is why we may not surrender, for it is not the will of the ages. (Battle pauses momentarily. Everyone looks at Treize's mobile suit.) Everyone: What the hell? Wutang: (his attention finally wrested from those evil penguins) You are my enemy! Duoe: Surprise. (Suddenly, as Wutang moves towards Treize, Japanese planes fly in. Blackshirts appear on the ground with clubs. Hordes of flying Monkeys descend on the Flying M.o.n.k.e.y. troops.) Zorro: (stoned) (muttering to narrator) Whooaa! Flying Monkeys. I think we smoke too much. Narrator: (oblivious) Yeahhhhh! (Flying monkeys attack Flying M.o.n.k.e.y. troops Mobile suits. They are able to pry out some of the pilots and carry them off. Meanwhile, the Japanese planes, directed by Tojo strafe Treize's mobile suit. The blackshirts, on foot and armed with clubs, realize they can't do anything, so they chase after the penguins Wutang was fighting previously. Mussolini contents himself by swearing up at Treize in Italian.) (enter the cryogenically frozen brain of Rowena. Looks like she didn't die in that plane crash after all.) Rowena's brain: Stop this futile battle immediately! I command you as Princess Peacecraft. (Everyone [Flying Monkey's included] looks at here quizzically. Then, they all begin to burst out laughing. Except Tojo, of course. He's an anal bastard. But more on that later.) (Flying Monkeys, the real ones, mind you, laugh so hard they drop the Flying M.o.n.k.e.y. pilots. The blackshirts forget the penguins. The Japanese pilots stop strafing. One crashes. Beero's Wundam falls over. So does Duoe's. Mussolini stops swearing. Quatro and Trowwa fall out of their Wundams. Treize tries to keep fighting, but doesn't no how to fly his mobile suit. After all, all he ever does is make speeches. So it crashes. He crawls out of the wreckage.) (Quatro and Trowwa slip away. Let's not talk about it.) (A few of the Blackshirts do not laugh. Instead, led by Tojo, the rush to Treize's Mobile Suit and start to drag him away. ) (While they do that, a sound is heard from over the hill. It is a bunch of drunks marching along singing the International. A whole lot of them, too. As they reach the top of the crest, it becomes clear that this is the Red Army, tanks and all. One of the officers begins to speak, to no one in particular.) Red: Do any of you know how to get to the Soviet Union from here? Duoe: The Soviet Union no longer exists. It hasn't for a while. Red: Sh*t! Nobody tells us these things. Duoe: How do you happen to be here? Red: Well, we got lost on the way back from Afghanistan. Duoe: How could you do that? The USSR was the biggest country in the world? How could you miss it? Red: Look here. It isn't as bad as you think. We just took a wrong turn. Before we knew it, we were in unfamiliar territory. And then a couple more wrong turns. Not all at once, gradual like. But you have to take into account that it adds up. And you gotta have a nip every now and then to keep out the cold. But just to keep out the cold, mind you. Duoe: Do you have any idea where you are? Red: No, pretty cold place, though. Takes a lot to keep out the cold, if you know what I mean. Duoe: You're at the South Pole. Red: The South Pole, eh? Woulda thought, eh boys? Duoe: (skeptically) How'd you cross the ocean to get here? Red: Ocean, was it? That explains it what happened to those tanks! We thought it was just the permafrost melting a bit in the spring. But then Permafrost doesn't have waves. But it does swallow up tanks like anything. (Takes a swig out of a bottle.) Pardon me, gotta keep out the cold. Duoe: Well... I can't say I've ever heard of anything like this. Red: We aren't the Red Army for nothing. And now, if you'll excuse us, it's back to Russia. (Begin singing again.) Begin to march away. Red2 notices Tojo and the Blackshirts. Red2: Say, what're those. Red: Looks like Fascists to me. Better get them. That'll get us promoted for sure. Red2: Or at least not demoted for getting lost. Red: Good point. (To Red Army) Get those buggers. (Tojo, the blackshirts are captured, taken away.) Red3: What about him? (Pointing at Treize.) Red: Looks pretty Fascist to me. Treize is also taken away. (Red army marches away singing International.) Rowena: Didn't you people hear me! Stop this battle (before she finishes, everyone drowns her out with laughter again. Angry and humiliated, Rowena's brain rushes to a nearby Pub.) From behind the hill where Trowwa and Quatro hid comes a proclamation. Chorus: Trojan Man! Trojan Man: It appears... What the hell... No.... Don't do that.... That's disgusting... Forget this... Run away, run away. (Flees into nearby Pub.) (While everyone remains outside laughing their asses off, the scene moves to the Pub. On the bar stools sit Rowena's brain, the Trojan Man, and Lucky the Leprechaun. All are drowning their sorrows.) Lucky: Me lucky charms! They stole me Lucky Charms! Trojan: What's the matter? Lucky: Me lucky charms! They stole me Lucky Charms! Trojan: (bemused) -- Bartender: Ignore him. He's been going on like that for days. Trojan: Poor bastard. Gimme another beer. Bartender: (filling up another glass) You're hitting the stuff pretty hard, too. You gotta reason? Trojan: I just want to forget what I saw out there. (takes beer from bartender, drinks.) Rowena's Brain: (which has not lost its propensity for whining) Why can't I have any? I want some too. They laughed at me! Bartender: I toldya to shaddup, kid. No ID, no service. Can't just serve every cryogenically preserved brain that waltzes in, ya know. Law's the law, an' I'm not about to get busted on account of some no good whiner. (to Trojan Man) Sorry for the interruption. So whadya see out there? Not a whole lot goes on. Lucky there's been my only customer all week. Trojan: Never mind. It's nothing of any importance. Bartender: Buddy, something around here is big news. Anything is important at the south pole. Anything that goes on at all. Hell, last week the big news was that it snowed. Trojan: (loosened by his drinking) All right, I'll tell you. I'm sure you know what my line of work is as the Trojan man. I run into all sorts of.... unpleasantries.... perversions. I've seen a lot, and I'm not easily put out. But this.... It's just too much. I'm going to quit. I mean, just the way they were... Ugh.... And the poor penguin... God, give me another beer. No, make that a Jack Daniel's. Neat. Bartender: I understand. Trojan: How? How on earth do you... Bartender: Never mind that. (Gives him the Jack Daniel's.) Lucky: (sobbing) Me lucky charms! With them you could see mushrooms and rainbows and (breaks down sobbing) Rowena's Brain: (after screwing up the nerve to speak) This is the last time I'm going to tell! As a Peacecraft and heir to the Blank Kingdom throne, I command you to give me a drink. Everyone starts laughing uncontrollably. Lucky forgets his lucky charms, which sound suspiciously like LSD. The Trojan Man even forgets about his traumatic experience with Trowwa and Quatro. Rowena's Brain: Don't laugh at my commitment to total pacifism. Or, my brother Zex Marrkey will beat you up for sure. They laugh even harder at both the contradiction and the reference to Zex. Bartender: What, paper bag man is gonna come? Trojan: Some pacifist you are! Lucky: Hey, I got an idea! To achieve peace! Rowena's Brain: Really? Lucky: (Laughing) Yeah, you just go to a battle and tell them to stop like that! (They laugh some more. Rowena takes the suggestion seriously, however, and gets up to do this.) Rowena: I will do that! (exits) (Enter Red, Red2, Red3, and some other Red army soldiers. The rest are waiting outside.) Red: We'll take all the Vodka you've got, please. Bartender: A pleasure to, Red. You gotten back to the Soviet Union yet? Red: No, but we're getting closer. And it turns out there isn't a Soviet Union. Bartender: Who'd'a thought. No one wonder it's taking you so long to find it. Red: So where is the vodka? Bartender: Usual spot. Just load up the tanks back. Red: Thanks. (Hands him a suit case full of money.) Is that enough? Bartender: Sure. There's a million of you, right? Red: Something like that. Bartender: Then it's plenty. Later, Red. (exeunt) Trojan: Next time? Bartender: Yeah, they've been going around in circles here since 1985. I tell them that I move the bar so they don't realize it. Trojan: No kidding. I was wondering how you kept this place going. Bartender: Nothing like a bit of Communism to get a business rolling. Lucky: Russian Communism, of course. Bartender: (looking at Lucky) I'm sure Irish Communism would work just fine for me too. (End of Scene in Bar. Now a series of clips showing Rowena's Brain traveling around the world. First in Jerusalem. Arab youths are throwing stones at Israeli soldiers, who are firing rubber bullets back. Rowena makes her proclamation. They stop throwing stones. The Israelis stop shooting bullets. All laugh. Next, Kashmir. Same thing with Muslims and Hindus. On to Iran. Even the Mullahs are cracking up. To China. No Tiananman Square after all. Eritrea/Ethiopia. Rwanda. etc., etc., and so forth.) (Pause) Zorro: I think you should say something, man. (Pause.) (No response) Zorro: Then I'll say something. It look like World Peace after all. The Good Guys have prevailed. Whoever they happen to be. The end. (Back aboard Death Star... I mean, Libra. The battle has continued. Zex's forces have been defeated. Zex himself is laying in a heap in the corner. Darth Vader is triumphant.) Darth Vader: (to a trooper) Has everything that violates international patent agreements been taken? Trooper: Yes. The cannon, the engines, and a few other random things. Zex: (moaning in corner) No engines? How do we fly this thing? Darth: Your problem. At this rate you'll crash into the Earth and burn up. However, this will not be total. Some of the ship will survive, and it will crash into the earth. Destroying it, of course. (Zex's spirits are lifted.) (Exit Darth Vader.) Zex: Did you hear that Dorothy? Dorothy: Yes! Isn't it wonderful! We can still destroy the world after all! (Enter the Real Dorothy and the rest of the Wizard of Oz cast.) Real Dorothy: Maybe he is, but you sure as hell aren't. Get her, boys! (The tin man, the lion, and the scarecrow attack. She slices the scarecrow's head off, but her sword breaks on the tin man. They drag her away) Zex: Don't go away? Don't you want to watch me destroy the world? Real Dorothy: No. Zex: Pleaaaassssssse? Real Dorothy: Oh fine. We'll just beat up this impostor here. Toto, Dorothy, the tin Man, and the lion beat up Dorothy as Battleship Libre plummets towards the earth. Zorro: Never mind, everyone. No happy ending after all. Back to south pole. The battle is over. The Flying M.o.n.k.e.y.s, the real flying Monkeys, Beero, Duoe, Wutang, a few drunken red army men, a few blackshirts (the ones that got away), and just about everybody else are in a big group hug. Except for Quatro and Trowwa, of course, who are still busy behind the snow drift. Blackshirt: You know, I think we learned something today. That we should always stay in touch with our feelings. Flying Monkey: (chatter chatter) Flying M.o.n.k.e.y. Pilot: Yeah, I love you too man. Beero: Before today, I was a humorless psychopath. But know I see that I was suppressing my more caring side. I'd like to thank that piece of gooseliver for giving me my life back. Duoe: Yes, well said. I think we all have a lot to thank that brain for. Everyone: And God bless us, every one. Inside bar. Bartender: What the hell is going on out there? Trojan: I don't want to know what's going on out there now. Bartender: Not that! Look! The battle ended. Everyone's happy. Guess your suggestion worked after all, Lucky. Lucky: Just think! We've brought about world peace. Bartender: The Trojan Man, Lucky the Leprechaun, and I have saved the world. Now there's an example to follow. Zorro: Sorry to break it to you, man, but the world is going to end in fifteen minutes. Bartender: (BLEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPP!) Just the sort of thing that has to come along to ruin my day. Can't even get one good (BLEEEPPP)in' day around here. From outside comes a sound. YMCA is playing. Trojan Man: And now it gets even worse. Bartender: Dammit! Lucky: Indeed. (Back outside the bar. Everyone is dancing. On an elevated area a Real Flying Monkey, a blackshirt, Beero, a Red Army Soldier, Duoe are dancing especially vigorously. Given that this is disco, we can safely assume that they have ingested the disco drug of choice. Their movement reflects this.) (Cut to the moon. Enter the red army.) Red: Dammit, you fool, we've made another wrong turn. No more vodka for you, Comrade Navigator. Before the Navigator has a chance to reply, an enormous explosion rocks the earth. The soldiers see that the Death Star wannabe has crashed into the earth. The earth breaks in half. (It's a big ass ship, after all.) Red1: That wasn't good. Red: Have all the vodka you want, Comrade Navigator. Narrator: (who has revived) Well, that's it folks. Shows over. It is no longer called Wundam Bing. From now on it shall be called "Commies on the Moon." Red: Wonderful: (The Red Army starts singing the Internationale again.) Red Army: Awake, ye starvelings from your slumber Arise, ye prisoners of want.... (Fade out. Credits roll to the Internationale and, when it finishes, to silly Wundam Music.)
DISCLAIMERS PART DUEX: Gundam Sux is just a non-fansite and is not intended to infringe on any copyrights. Gundam Wing © SOTSU AGENCY- SUNRISE - ANB. If you want official Gundam crap then go to Gundamofficial.com There's my good deed for the year.