We’ve been getting a lot of e-mails asking us why we hate Gundam Wing. We thought that we had made this abundantly clear already, but some of you still were befuddled. So to eliminate all doubt, we have come to the decision to put out this little document. Bear in mind that some reasons figure more in our decision making then others and that some are stated in a more serious fashion then others. Without further ado, here are a few of our numerous reasons for believing that Gundam Wing Sux.
1. The plot is rambling, incoherent, and oftentimes nonsensical. Very little of it is grounded in anything that could be called by even the most charitable among us logic. It attempts to wax profound, yet all it does is regurgitate tired old clichés in a fashion that makes them look even more shallow than they usually are. In other words, it sucks. Plain and simple.
2. The characters. They fall into several basic types. First, there are the pointless extras whose point it is only to mill around and blabber a bit before getting killed. (Thanks, Lady Une, et al.) Then, there are sappy ones. We really don’t need to go into the sappy ones. Next, we have the most annoying type of all: the pseudo tragic hero. For this type, the creators of Gundam Wing take the typical archetype of the beautiful losers -- a mainstay in Japanese literature and culture in general -- and distort and simplify it beyond recognition. The result is a vulgar caricature made for a mass audience. This fits into the whole domain of selling out. For those who are mentally challenged, that is not a good thing.
3. The soundtrack. Good lord, who came up with it, anyway? I’m beginning to suspect that it’s the musical equivalent of a thousand monkeys with typewriters -- though instead of an infinite time, they were allotted fifteen minutes.
4. The hair. It sends me running in terror every time. It seems like we’ve found a character who isn’t gay: the barber.
5. The overt satanic presence. (No pupils! What’s up with that? Dorothy truly is... Dorothy.)
6. The lack of imagination with names. C’mon, people. Could we have a few characters who aren’t named after numbers?
7. OZ. Where’d they get that name from? Either they’ve been sniffing glue while watching the wonderful wizard, or they’ve got a fetish for Australia. (Yes, Australians refer to their country as Oz. Keep in mind that the place was founded by convicts.)
8. The battles. I guess war just isn’t enough on its own. It has to be choreographed to rock music.
9. How the hell is Quatre supposed to be an Arab? And how is Heero Japanese? And what do these folks have against black people and Hispanics? Sheesh. I take it diversity has yet to reach the land of the rising sun.
10. Did I mention Satan?
11. The dialogue. It really is pathetic. Granted, I’m willing to concede that it’s poorly translated -- I really don’t think the top Japanese and English speaking writers are particularly attracted to the idea of translating the likes of Gundam Wing -- but it is still so absolutely horrendous that I’m willing to bet the original Japanese is little better. Final verdict: four monkeys, eight minutes.
12. Treize and his silly little rants. (Yeah, yeah, this should go under "characters" or "dialogue", but we think Treize sucks enough to warrant a number of his own.) They have to be among the stupidest things in the entire series. They fall into the category of cheapened Japanese culture packaged for the mass market. If you think this stuff is profound, you’re in need of help. (Note: If check the warning below if you want to hear more from us on this.) Then, there’s the added detail that Treize isn’t even Japanese. But, details, details.
Warning: do not go telling us that "we don’t understand" what Treize is saying. We are perfectly aware that it is a half-ass imitation of recurring themes in Japanese literature. If you want the real thing, I recommend the novels of Yukio Mishima or Shusaku Endo. (The latter is also a Catholic, so such themes also figure prominently in his writings. Still, he is first and foremost a Japanese novelist. Mishima, for those interested, was a nationalist Japanese novelist who was dismayed by Japan’s modernization. He committed ritual disembowelment -- a common way of suicide there -- after leading a failed coup attempt.) I recommend in particular Endo’s The Sea and Poison and Silence (or Chinmoku) and Mishima’s Spring Snow and Runaway Horses. If reading a book is too much for you, look into the films of Akira Kurusowa, an internationally renowned director. I especially recommend Seven Samurai and Ikiru. (In English, Living.) Once you’ve gone through all of that and you still remain unconvinced, then you may tell us that "we don’t understand." Until then, don’t come to us about it. Got it?
13. The hair! Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!
14. The political situation on earth. The conflicts in the Middle East, Kashmir, Northern Ireland, Indonesia, Yugoslavia, and all of the other trouble spots in the world suddenly are solved. Yet nobody can figure out how to solve a problem between a few big metal wheels that aren’t even that old and earth. (Fine, I’m picking nits. Watch me not care.)
15. The blatant commercialism of it all. (See also "selling out.")
16. Whatever happened to nukes? Why bother smuggling a couple of wussy robots down when you can just destroy the world? (Of course, that might not make for a very interesting series. I can see it now. Episode 1: The world is destroyed. Episodes 2-49: Frolicking around the craters.
17. Relena. Like Treize, she deserves a separate spot. I’m sure she embarrasses pacifists everywhere with her antics.
18. It’s Satan! Run away! Run away!
19-24. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooo!!!!!! Cooooommmmmmme back to me, Heeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! (Do we even need to attribute this?)
25. The eyebrows from hell.
26. The show’s delusions of grandeur. (Yes, that’s right. We think it’s really just a big crock of bull.)
27. The fact that there are so many reasons to make fun of it.
28. See numbers 19-24. I’m not sure if we’ve covered that well enough.
29. Quatre. The only good thing Dorothy did was stab the little schmuck. Too bad she missed the vital organs. (Either that or he’s got a spare liver.)
30. The lack of any real tragedy in a series that claims to represent the horrors of war. Of all the main characters, none are harmed directly by it. War’s ravages are felt only by secondary characters. (Treize is the only exception to this. In his case they really had no choice. It would violate the mythos completely to let him survive. Of course, for some bizarre reason they do have Zechs survive, which makes even less sense. Still, I don’t think Treize counts. No one liked the prick, anyway.) If the show really wanted to live up to its dramatic pretensions, real loss would have occurred. As is, it sometimes reads more like a soap opera then a war story. (My goodness! He does get his memory back! Now they can save the day and live happily ever after.) Looks like main characters are just too valuable to knock off.
31. They’re all midgets! And not just the pilots, either. Zechs is one of the tallest guys on the show, and he’s what, 5’10?
32. Gimme a break.. You’re still reading this thing? Go away. That’s all. We’re done. Stop reading this.
33. Shoo! Out!
The Gundam Wing Sux Manifesto was written on December 8, 2000 by the staff of this prestigious site. (To the slower ones among you, that’s GS, DGD, and GGH.)
Signatories:
Gundam _Sux
Diegundamdie
Gundam_go_home
Loran Seakku
John Hancock
Do you want to sign as well? Ask us, and we’ll put you up. There’s something to be said for signatures.
