********A time of need..

Have you ever felt like the last thing you wanted to do was to praise a God in which had taken everything meaningful out of your life for no apparent reason? Well, as I arrive home from youth group, the gazing mooned shined upon me, hitting every part of my body, this night had potential of being normal, and yet things took a turn. Walking into my house, knowing something just wasnt exactly right. This lump sat at the bottom of the pit of my stomach. This lump quickly arriving in the mid point of my throat, as I stare in ultimate shock, at my computer screen. Questions were raised and shot through my mind. So many things were brought up. Then, with one mistake, I was left with nothing. The person in which I talked to about nearly everything, the person in which felt so right to me, the person in which held a part of my heart had just abandon me. Its God, was the last word said to me as the person in which took a big chunk of my heart signed off and left me there, in shock and all alone. As I swallowed my pride, I began to say such hurtful things and said things in which I hadnt meant. No one hear these things except for me and one other personThis other person, was the person in which I should of talked to first, in stead I engaged in a conversation with the Devil instead. How could the best thing in my life be taken away with one quick swift, leaving me with no one, not one human being could say the right things to me at the point, only I was right. As days passed, pages turned and feelings shaded, I finally got out and did stuff. I didnt know exactly how to react to such a situation. Tears streamed down my face every night just as a racing river travels at such speed down hills. My eyes had been glazed, but this glaze wasnt of happiness, this glaze showed the pain and hurt in which had been inflicted on me. I spent a few more nights in denial of Gods love for me, I resented the one who would never stop loving me, all because of one occurrence in which had brought my spirit so that no one could raise it, at that point not even the Lord himself had power enough to tell me different, I allowed something so wrong to control my body. Days pass, and I decide to go out with some close friends. My eyes opened up so much that night. I realized that I had been living in the wrong throughout the whole relationship of me and that person. My life revolved around him and not Him. As this sank into my mind like someone stepping into sinking sand, I became so ashamed of my actions. Even though I had done so much wrong, God was still there waiting for me to realize that I had turned my back on him and I just need to turn around one more time to see His love again. God again lifted my body up with His love. All the feeling had come back to my body, I wasnt numb anymore. Now, knowing why God does things like that, I understand that as I suffer and endure such pain, so does God. Hes right there holding my hand as I battle with temptations from the Devil with my other hand. With all of this realization occurring in one rise and set of the sun, things raced through my mind so fast. That was the night that I felt God so close to me that I could feel him enter my body and take over as if I was a back seat driver, making an attempt to give my opinion and yet having no control because I had given him all the control of my life. Change of a life time

************A change of a life time

Leaving the house around 6:15 pm, set to have an exciting time at youth group for our all-nighter. Having the mind set that this would be a great and yet didnt in the slightest bit think that something like this would happen. Anxiously waiting as my good friends walked across the dark parking lot giving me a soul filled greet. The time flew by like two cars racing in a drag race. The end of the event had passed and its was nearing the dreadful end of the fun. The last hour was upon us, as things got serious. Questions were raised, and answers were supplied. As the questions spilled out of my mouth answers came rushing in like a waterfall crashing down at the end of it. Answers made life become clear. The questions in which had made my mind like water being disturbed and unclear, had eventually turned my mind into sparkling clear water. The answers pieced together like a puzzle all making sense and fitting together so well. Finally the decision had crawled upon me and it was time. At this time, my mind was debating itself and analysing things to the most rich extent. Then, as I looked into my friends eyes who had already made up their mind, I saw what I had longed for. I saw things in them in which I knew I could get if I just answered this one question correctly. My mind was set, it couldnt be changed. Before I knew it, I was sitting in a office with my best friend, feeling a sense of calmness and yet a sense of anxiety in which had grown attached to the calmness in my body. Finally, I closed my eyes, I said things in which I meant, I said things to a King, not an ordinary King, but the King of Kings. I had become something in which was so right. My mind and body was transformed after that night. I have never thought the same way as I did before I entered that church that night. I still remember the feeling of butterflies flying all around my stomach and the smile in which had wrinkled every part of my face. There was a twink in my eyes, like a glaze, and sparkle in which has never really left me since that night. Finally, knowing that the decision I had debated earlier had turned out so perfect, and knowing that things were to change and could always be this joyful still gives me the butterflies, and the smile across my face. Just thinking of my creator longing to know me, still to this day, gives my feet a mind set on dancing for my Lord, my arms a mind set on reaching out and grabbing this love in which is greater than all other loves and most of all makes my mind think thoughts of joy. That night changed me, allowing someone else to have all my decisions for me in the palm of his hand, and cradling me back and forth with his other hand, all this is what I needed and was desperate for. My soul was dead and then was resurrected just as Christ himself. I was brought back to life and wanted to have Christs love to overwhelm and take over my body. Yes, again I say that night changed my life, becoming a Christian changed my life.

***********The question of faith

Sitting, wondering what amazing thing God has so precisouly planned out in my life.  Wondering why God does the things in which he does.  Staring off into space wonderin how he created and peiced that world soo perfectly together.  Theres something in me, something in which should be released. Its a powerfull animal just wanting to get released into the wilderness to effect everyone, and yet doesnt want to get rejected, and doesnt kno who to effect first.  Willing to starve its self jus to wait for that perfect someone in which God had created and in which I was to effect.  This beast or animal in me wants to get released soo bad.  Its tearing up my insides, its eating away at me just about to burst out of my mouth.  As it rises up my throat The Word is spoken.  This beast released  the greatest power within me.  This beast released somthing in which I could use and preform.  The words of the Bible spill out of my mouth, my mind doesnt even have the slightest clue of why this is happening or how it is happening, but im being controlled. Im being controlled by something soo strong that I shall never turn away.  Im saying such great strong things and effect different peoples lives that no one or nothing can stop me.  I leave where I am.  I leave the pillow I was talking to, just a pillow, having this fire burn within, yet so afraid of rejection that only a pillow is faced when the greatest battle is getting fought.  Ashamed I turn away. I stare into my eyes through a mirror, an object that tells me hurtfull things about myself.  This object would usually take over my body point out ever blemp in my body ever mistake, instead, after speaking with such words, my eyes jus gaze into the other set of eyes staring back at them, and loves everythin about that person starin back at me.  Those words spoken before may not of touched anyone else because they were said to no one else, but yet they touched me soo deeply, Words that I spoke from within me that never tried to escape before this and yet needed to be said soo badly.  Now the secrets out, God was the beast or animal within me.  He wanted to shout out words of which could stop any other beast. He wanted to be heard, he wanted to tell me something, the only I would listen is if I said it.....theres somthing wrong here.  Now my lips are on fire and want to do such glory to other people and fight their battles, as I walk down my stairs to escape out the door, I realize that God wants to use me, ME, lil old me....I should always be on fire like this for God, and yet this feeling often leaves my body by the time I exit my bedroom....but this time is different, this time the beast didnt leave within me, hes still there, I can feel it, nothin can stop it....Im on fire,...and everyones goin to hear about it....

---------Not sad, yet not happy.......drawin conclusions

Staring into space, not looking at one object but a combination of objects, thinking Ive done right but feelings so empty.  Wondering if God is around, Then I turn around slowly and feel his presence overwhelme me, hes here, but why dont I feel joy enter my life why Dont I feel this glimpse of excitement taking over every inch of my so perfectly formed body.  I feel so normal, yet so different.  I dont have a smile, not a frown, jus lips that are drawn straight across.  These lips have such potential for spreading the joy and love of my God, and yet instead they speak of evil, gossiping, swearing, and cursing.  As I stare at this presence of my God, I wonder so many questions, I wonder why he isnt moving, why Im not happy with him,...so many questions overwhile my mind and confusion is the state of my mind. Then I realize, thats not my God, thats all the things that I have made my God, all those things in which I have obsessed over and put first, before God.  All those things in the end dont turn me happy, they give me an artificial joy, thats not enough, God wants me to have a true and ultimate love! As I turn around again, I know what Ive done wrong, heads down in its despare and even though I have done soo wrong and placed things above God, when I turned and saw his  love and his face, He jus stared at me, and as I began to turn again, he grabbed me and hugged me.  Now this joy has taking over my body and made me happy! I am finally happy, finally complete!

------Getting Ready --------

His love comforts me, as I turn away.  He is always watching, but I see him as blinde. I do the things, I know I shouldnt, and I think the thinks I know he wouldnt, but knowing hes watching,...doesnt stop me.  Feeling soo confused and alone, I reach out and grab anything to take away my pain.  God is there, but I do not see him, Jesus is with me, but I do not hear him, the spirit surrounds me but I do not feel it.  I sit and I wonder through out the night, what has gone wrong, and what has gone right.  The one thing that felt so right to me, was taken away from me...now what do I do...I look in mirrors and find no relfection, Im soo distant, that no one can save me now...except for God.  I am an empty hole, waiting to be filled with love and peace.  A little hole, no one notices, in a busy town.  Wanting to feel back at home, but yet, my peace is away from home.  I feel something touching me, touching my heart, and yet I ignor it.  Something wants me to come and follow it, should I try or should I not....Im in the hole....looking up....and feeling alone, but what do I see, I see a hand....this hand is reaching for me...It picks me up, and I feel whole again.  That hole in my life is paved in, and I am complete.  That time in which I was distant, God was close.  The time in which I felt, heard, saw, nothing, they were there.  He didnt turn away from me, I turned away from him.  I am back in his arms,  no longer feeling pain and lonliness.  Feeling happy and surrounded with love.  I look into mirrors and see somthing twinkle in my eye....is this me I see...or am I utensil of God, preparing to be used, getting all shined up and clean from all the sin.  I am now ready, God use me, show me all those things I was never ready for...until now. Show me your love and your forgiveness, as I show you my obidience to your word.  I am only but a girl, and yet, to him I am worth dieing over. I will never know how it was to feel such pain and lonliness, because I was never abandond, he hadnt left me, I left him.  This is what it feels to be used, and to be loved. I like this feeling, a feelings soo right, and soo perfect that no one can take it away.  This feeling completes me, fills me, and brings joy to me.  I can choose to take this feeling and show it to others, or I can choose not to have this feeling within me...which do I choose...which do you think...?

----Detours

Ive messed up, Ive made a mistake. I fallen in a trap and I cant get out. The Devil hunted me and trapped me, and I allowed myself to be caught. I placed myself in a situation in which I knew I would get caught. Yes, its true, I wasnt caught by my parents or by any adults, but God was watching the whole time. He watched me walk right into the trap. What now? What do I do? It seems like when I walk on the straight path, I find myself walking into the forest and I find myself wearing a targot sign on my back, showin the devil that Im easy to get.  I never get it right. I am never doing what God wants me to do. I am but a weak animal being hunted. I need to stay on my path. I need to follow the light. What is soo attractive about the darkness anyways? Why does it always seem to draw me in? I know I shouldnt and yet I do.  I follow the darkness, and then right before I step into the track, I know I dont hafta do this, I know that I have a choice, to sin or to obey God.  But none of this matters, all that matters if fun right? I am in the trap, and when Im about to die, I call out! 'My God will save me, I have faith! I know hes there!'  Everytime Im in a situation in which I can not handle, I give up and give to God, but where was I when I was blessed....I wasnt praizing God, so Why should I run to God when i waunder off my path? Why does he always accept me when I know Im getting lost. Why does his light always shine when Im deep in the forest? why? Why? WHY?!  I lead myself off the path of righteousness, and into the path of sinful nature, and he leads me back, I dont understand!  I slowly walk back to the light, the path, the right way, and as I walk with my head down and my eyes glued to the ground, I start to think 'I mess up and he comes and bails me out, whats wrong with this picture?' Im back on the path, determined as ever to remain on the path...but then again, I know I will take detours but the difference now is.....I know that with God help, I will be with him in no time, my path will end and he will be standing there waiting for me.  There will be less detours and less waundering, and I will remain more focussed on the road ahead rather than the 'side kicks' on either side of this path.  The devil cant catch me now! The devil wont walk in the path of righteousness, he wont step into the light! I am safe...until I give back in....I am but only a weak animal, will I be strong enough not to give in? What happens if the next time I waunder off the path, I dont turn back to God? What happens if I turn away from the light, and keep walking into the darkness....I guess I will find out when the time is right...but for the time being, Im on the way back to the path, and I will soon make it there.....but as I look at the ground, with my neck curved to face the ground, I wonder...all the questions that I haf, I can soon ask,...the question is....Will I accept that oppertunity to ask...or will I ignor it and keep following the dark?