Matt's Story

Matthew was born August 3,1983 in Iowa City, Iowa. The youngest of three children. He was welcomed at home by his Father, and two sisters, Heidi and Melissa. He was such a joy to me. I had wanted a son so much as this was to be my last child. His early years were a joy, a very mischievous little guy to say the least. When he was three years I left my husband and went to live in the safe house in Flint Michigan. My husband at the time had been very abusive to both me and my children. My husband left and went to California to live with his parents. All contact with the kids had stopped. He wanted nothing at al to do with them. I know this bothered the children alot, but there was nothing I could do about it. I met another man, who was also very abusive to me within months. The final straw with him was when he held a gun to my head on Christmas Eve. My daughter Heidi ran to the neighbor, who is now my husband, for help. I had Mike arrested and never looked back. Tim and I started dating and it was wonderful. He loved my children and has never raised a hand to me in anger. I do think these early years of the kids lives took a toll on them however. We moved back to Iowa in 1990 and were married here. Matthew started to have some problems in school. Couldn't concentrate. Would get up and wander around the class room. I kept asking them to test him for ADHD but their response was always he is just lazy. Doesn't want to do the work. Things went down hill for him in high school. He couldn't keep up with his classes. Spent most of his time either sleeping, on the phone with the girls or on the computer. He totaled two cars within a six month time span. The last one was on November 3, 2000. He came to work that night, he worked with me at The Family Table, and not only told me had wrecked the car but also that he had no insurance. I had trusted him to pay it. Granted I was very angry, but didn't say to much that night nor over the weekend. Matthew hid in his room and I was just to angry. The car was in my husbands name so I knew it was going to come back on us. On Monday, Nov 6, 2000 Matt went to school and we went to work. I told him we would be late getting home due to the fact that I had to get his car out of impound as it was costing by the day. Tim and I got off work at 5, went to get the car and towed it to a friends house. I had a couple beers there and then came home. I was just so angry. I got home a little before 8:00 and my angered got worse. Matt had not done a thing in the house, he knew his chores and had just not done them. I found him hiding in his room with the head phones on. I then made him come to the living room and began my lecturing. Telling him he had to grow up, that he was seventeen years old, he should be more responsible. That I had taken all I could take of his immaturity. I asked him just how the hell he thought he was going to make it in life acting like this, much more was said but I won;t go into that now. As he mumbled under his breath I went to take a shower. He went to his room again. I heard what I thought was the back door slamming as if he was leaving or I had not shut it. I came out of the bathroom and saw the gun cabinet open. I knew at that moment something was not right. I ran to his room and found my son, my baby lying on his floor in his own blood, the gun on his chest. I immediately ran to him, tried CPR and when that didn;t work I tried to find the phone. He had hidden it. I ran to the neighbors in my jammies, screaming the whole way to call 911. This is a quarter mile away, why I didn;t take the car I will never know. Within minutes, however it felt like hours, my house was full of people. All trying to keep me away from baby while they worked on him. The coroner who is also my doctor tried to give me tranquilizers but I refused. I was told later that I went into shock. I now know form the reports that Matt shot himself at 8:08, which I already knew, but also that he died at 8:08. The bullet had pierced his brain stem causing instant death. My life and that of my family will never be the same again. I have carried so much guilt for the things I said to him that night. How I wish I could go back and just hug him, tell him not to worry, Mamma will fix things for you. If I had only known what he was thinking that horrible night. A night that forever plays in my mind.

My Darling Son

Another year has come and gone

Another Christmas here

I sit and think of all the things

I wish that you could here

The laughter in Breanna's voice

Your sisters painful tears

The way the twins look just like you

And Daddy's painful fears

We think of you so often

And wish you were still here

As we gather round the table

and say our prayers out loud

We thank God for the blessings

yet deep inside we shout

We miss you darling Matthew

We know you feel our pain

You hold us in your Heavenly home

Just as we hold you in ours

Others wonder why we're crying

Just why we lost all hope

Maybe we should tell them

we don't know how to cope.

We miss our son, our brother

The love you held inside

Please have a Merry Christmas

as you sit at God's right hand

As you gather with the Angels

Upon those Golden stairs

Do me one last favor

Before I let you go

Mommy has so many freinds now

Who miss their loved ones too

Could you please make sure they know

That we hold them in our hearts.