She takes a dozen hits of 'e'
And makes a meatloaf just for me;
She'll dance all night in skin-tight skirts,
Then darn my socks and flannel shirts.
From Donna Reed to that skank, Pink
In half the time it takes to blink...
She's future, present, and the past,
And even though you blink real fast
 
She's a betty, She's a betty, She's a betty
She's Britney Spears, she's Estelle Getty,
She'll rock your world and hold you steady
She's a Betty
 
She'll wake you gently, sweet and fair,
Then vomit while you hold her hair,
And treat your bunny's sniffly cough,
Then bite the poor thing's head clean off.
She's everything that's soft and fluffy,
And half those demon things on Buffy,
And though you sense her evil plot,
She's everything you want, or not...

 

I hate when cashiers greet me when I walk into the store

I can't stand barbershop quartets that sing in harmony

Or movie names that start with words that end in I-N-G

I hate the way a dog smells when it comes in from the rain

I can't stand eating tongues or feet or pancreas or brains

 

Black licorice, or neck tatoos, or girls who shave their heads

And little yippy dogs and salads served in pita bread

I'd hate to win a million bucks, then take it all in ones

I can't stand Archie Bunker and I'm kind of scared of nuns

Lawyers, mimes, and traffic cops all tend to make me mad

The Olsen twins, and....o no, wait, their new show's not so bad

 

I don't like hippys, Communists, or socialists, or Reds

I would've hated Hitler and I'm kinda glad he's dead

I don't like Broadway musicals, at least the ones I've seen

Or that guy who goes "Hey, Verne!" and sticks his face up to the screen

There are so many things to see upon this big, blue ball

Yet so few people take the time to really hate them all

 

His name is Rufus Martin and you've all seen him before His parents run the funeral home out by the dollar store They've all lived in that old gray house since 1964 And every night his bed's a little closer to the door   His seventh grade debate team proved the Swiss invented cheese And he once talked the ear off of a bust of Socrates He's the assistant relief third shift manager at the Tasti-Freez And he can sing O Canada in perfect Klingonese   (Chorus): His name is Rufus, American Doofus He's got a simple life, a blow-up wife and kinda looks like Barney Fife   He freeze-framed every Disney film to count the cartoon squirrels And he owns the sixty-second biggest Death Star model in the world He's got a custom-built slide rule that's inlaid Mother of Pearl, And he was thirty-six before he ever kissed a girl.   (Repeat Chorus)   Well, one dark day at Tasti-Freez a stranger ambled in And said that Sulu should have died in Star Trek episodee 410 And Rufus cried "Hell no! In that one Sulu rose again! By reversing the polarity of Vulcan Triptofen!"   And so a battle joined from which just one could walk away And Rufus breathed his last by the soft-serve machine that day His name is etched in stone three times beside the Tasti-Freez Once in English, once in Swiss, and once in Klingonese   (Repeat Chorus)