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November 15, 2007
I just had some dream that I was in school, and Mulder was my teacher--and I kept wondering if I could try to get
with him or not. Ha. And kept forgetting that I'm not 18--and . . . yeah. Then there was something about
driving on a road with my sister, which happened to be flooded. . . and when we finally got back to this dank building,
we got yelled at for driving around in the first place. hmm... ~~Rosalie
Excellent! I wish I had something to say about that. Once I was watching an episode of Heroes and I
was wondering what kind of superpower would be coolest, like would it really be cool to be able to fly or would the wind get
in your face so that you would have to wear a helmet like you do on a motorcycle, and wouldn't that just make you look like
a retarded guy who could fly?
November 11, 2007
I love when you update your site. My heart bursts into flames because i love it so much! Little birds start singing
every time you update. Ribbons float through the air and tie themselves up in my hair. Indeed, that is what your updates do
to me. ~~Rosalie
Are you sure it's my updates that are doing all that to you?
November 4, 2007
Hello there!
First time visiting this site. I enjoyed reading your responses to the Scam letters...
I've received a lot of them also but never went as far as really responding back and forth the way you did.
I would usually respond with something such as: GO FIND YOURSELF A SUCKER!!!
Something like that.... Maybe I'll try what you did, just to see how far it will go...
Keep it going, I love it!!
Edie
I'm kind of out of ideas on answering the scam emails. Besides, I haven't gotten many of them lately. But thanks!
May 13, 2007
i agree with all of the fine points of your little csi essay but you missed one: the comedic relief. this little moment in the intro segment of every episode it has been my misfortune
to witness is both the best and worst moment of the show for me. as you are introduced to the crime scene, victims,
perpetrators, or any combination of, grissom or whoever the lead investigator of the csi show your watching is, rolls out
a trite little one-liner, usually with the camera right in his face while looking through his specs at some tiny piece of
evidence. it makes me crazy, but these things are so predictable that i love to come up with the quip before they say
it, yell it at my wife and squeal like a little girl when i'm right... needless to say my wife can't watch the show
with me in the room. ~~jon ellis
Well, I don't watch the show enough to have picked up on that, I guess, but it sounds a lot
like the wisecracks Lenny used to make on the original Law & Order, except that those were usually a bit more clever.
Thanks for the email, Jon, and my other readers, take note: This is a great email! It adds something to the subject, and doesn't
just tell me how right I am. Not that I don't like hearing that, just that I already know.
April 8, 2007
Here's one to update your list with. She's one of the most popular cartoons on TV today:
Kim Possible
February 25, 2007
i read your entries -- i like 'em. "I worry about it for about three seconds and then I realize that, since they're
all boring and I'm really not, I could care less. And then I take a nap." that especially made me laugh out loud.
what you said here: "If she ever challengess him on what he's doing, or tells him that it hurts her that he's not
attracted to her, he'll say he's just being honest. And isn't being honest a good thing, and doesn't she want a guy who will
always be honest with her? And the fact that it bothers her just means that she has a lot of issues and can't handle the truth."
yeah. in any relationship--friendship, romantic, family, male/male, female/male, female/female--that kind of stuff just sucks.
That, "just being honest" or playing things off as sarcasm ("hey, i'm just joking.") all the time. . . It just sucks and I
think you wrote that entry well.
about the honesty thing: you can be honest and encouraging at the same time, you know? . . .just never, ever say
"you look fine" to a woman. ever. EVER. NEVER EVER say "fine." seriously.
that's kinda getting off what you were saying in the entry, though. . .
February 5, 2007
I got this email from Rosalie after having sent her this picture of my neice.
Your neice is. . . disturbing. I can imagine it popping out ("popping out" ha) and your sister/sister in law
looking excited, then. . . "Oh. . ." "Um. . ." "Doctor?" "I dunno. . ." and lots of awkwardness as the baby silently
stares at them with that smile and great beard. (. . .and I just remembered that was basically an SNL sketch with Will Ferral,
except he's a full grown man and totally obscene versus a silent grinning baby with a man's head.)
Anyway, lately I've been listening to Dr. John (who is awesome). Wikipedia describes him as "a colourful pianist, singer, and songwriter, whose music spans, and often combines, blues, boogie woogie, and rock and roll." I just wonder if perhaps Dr. John is --really-- a rip off of Dr. John J. Doolittle. . . If DJDJ met DJ and taught
him all this musical schtuff,. and then Dr. John ran with it and is now a famous musician.
Or. . .
Something. . .
I don't know. It just crossed my mind and I thought I would tip you off. . . Maybe you'll get an idea
for something to write about from it (though it seems you've got a ton of ideas and have definitely come
out of that writer's block you had for a while).
Anyway, I hope you're okay, happy, having fun and all of those things.
December 31, 2006
Sorry about the previous lengthy email. My husband had nothing
better to do than tell it like it is to you as if he was me. What he said is all true but I'm sure that you don't care
about all that. Sorry. It was me who really enjoyed your blog though. Keep blogging. Send me an email
when you get a chance.
My head is hurting.
Thanks
for the emails (Thank your husband too). It was kind of stream-of-consciousness and a bit confusing, but I always like hearing
from people who read my site. I get so much traffic but so little feedback, sometimes I wonder who actually reads it.
And
please don’t be too hard on your husband. It makes some men feel “pretty”. I don’t judge.
December 30, 2006
I agree with your irritation about the "meaning of christmas." I'm surprised that I stumbled onto your blog though. I was simply bored
and ASKED yahoo about my "forty years left" (life that is) and your site came up.
I have not read your whole site but a few postings. You have many thoughtful and insightful
entries. Makes me smile AND think.
Why? It's usually how I'm feeling and not what the guy does or does not do. I
would think that it would have changed after I hit menapause (I did that at 36 finished up at 40). But menopause or
not... there are mood swings.
Also, some days I feel like expressing verbally... other days I feel like expressing physically
and other days I feel like expressing by sitting back and admiring the guy. If the guy likes physical, he'll have to
wait until that mood comes around. If I'm having a stressful day or any overly busy or mentally exhausting day, it's
hard to get into anything or anyone.
If a good-looking gal does NOT have mood swings, then most are already "happily married"
or taken by someone better than the average guy. What you have left over, a bunch of other girls and then many
good-looking (sexy), independent, professional women with "mood issues" remains. As the divorced overweight 40 year
old dad remains.
Marriage is tough because I know many woman who fake who they are to hook a man and then
open up this nasty can of worms. I was nasty before I got married and the guy still wanted to marry me.. He knew
about moods and my need for control. I warned him and demonstrated my NASTY in our courtship. I feel like
that Janet Jackson song. Honesty upfront helps because when he (the younger man) starts to complain, I remind him that
I was always like that... I never pretended to be sweet. But I can be into him when I feel like it... for that, he loves
me (when it happens, goes crazy?).
I know many woman who think a prenutial is unromantic... the ones that think that often don't
have many assets themselves to protect and think a man is 100% responsible for them. The only way the mood swings and
marriage work in my current relationship is that we have a valid prenuptial agreement (I basically keep everything that I
started with which is more than what he started with). I know where I stand at all times, in control. Everything
else is divided in proportion to earnings and net assets, right now into separate bank accounts and titleship.
No more kids though. I want my 40 years left for grandkids and my own selfish pursuits of money, power, and sexiness.
If we want to divorce, it changes nothing but our tax status. In fact, we were discussing
divorce as a viable tax/financial planning strategy this year. We're personally working on a third house, the house
he'll live in if we need to live separately for any time. Joint compound, my home renovation specialty... gotta love
it.
Have fun and keep up your interesting blogging. You might put a link to life expectancy
tables. Forty years is a long time considering we spend 20 just growing up on the first 40. :)
Hmmmm.....I had a bit of trouble following this email, as it's kind of all over the place, and I can't tell if
you're giving me advice, criticizing me, making humorous observations, or if you simply felt the need to divulge
wildly inappropriate amounts of personal financial information to a stranger who in all likelihood would mock you for it.
It was fairly interesting getting some insight into the female mind, though I know just enough about income taxes to question
what possible benefit divorce would serve at tax-time, which is only slightly more than I know about pre-nuptial agreements,
as I have never had the need for one and can't imagine a set of circumstances that would lead me to ask for one, which would
assume two things: One, that I was getting married again, and two, that I would have any assets to protect.
I thought it was interesting, too that you refered to good-looking (sexy), independent, professional women
with "mood issues" as if that condition was at all an unusual condition...?
At any rate, it was an interesting email. Thanks for taking the time to write!
August 8, 2006
I had the weirdest dream. What had happened was, I was on this train with luggage going somewhere and i ran into
a friend that I know in my life as me, and she said that she just saw me at the place where I was going. I was like "well
how can that be? I've never been there," so I figured she was mistaken and it was just somebody who looked like me. So I go
back to where she said she saw "me," and I come to find its like this department store and everybody there is like "why are
you back from vacation already?" They kept thinking I was some girl that worked there, and I kept going through everything
like i found out where the girl lived, and who her boyfriend was, and who her friends were, and they kept thinking i was her,
and i didnt know them for the life of me or understood.
So I found her wallet in her apartment and I looked at the driver's license and it was me. I flipped through her
appointment book and she had all this stuff written in it that i wasnt familiar with, but she had been seeing this therapist.
So I go to the therapist and he explains to me that I am in fact her, but i have a personality disorder. So the problem was,
I couldnt switch back to being that other girl. So i was just totally lost in her world I didnt understand any of it
That kind of sounds like one of those Barbara Taylor Bradford movies, if you add in like two guys, say, one who
is wild and undisciplined and another who is conservative and mellow, so then you can be torn between love and passion.
Or an episode of The Twilight Zone.
Or a TV show where someone is after you for a crime you don't remember committing.
Or Fight Club.
July 6, 2006
This email came from my friend Eden, who was giving me ideas to write about. They're actually quite good, especially
since Eden is a 13 year old girl and I'm not quite convinced that she doesn't work for Dateline NBC. Anyway, here is her list
of things she wants me to write about:
1. The art of opening a can of Coke and how annyoing it is to be splattered by it.
Actually, to say that it's an art at all is inaccurate. It's actually a very complex scientific process involving
chemistry, ballistics, and various physical sciences. The real art is in getting it to spray someone else.
2. The funniest word in the English dictionary just might be kumquat (but you can put any word.)
This is actually the theme of one of my mini-polls, and the funniest words ever were Monkey, Pickle, Noodle,
Weasel, and Cheese. I think Pickle was winning last I checked, but I personally think it's monkeys, and not because monkeys
are always funny (they are) but because the word itself is funny.
However, to derive maximum comic effect, I think the best thing is to combine them. How cool is it to call someone
a Cheesemonkey? That's awesome!
3. If I ruled my own country ____ would be printed on the money and the coins would be called ____.
I don't know, but I'll tell you what's funny. In Germany, they call themselves Deutschland. Like, we say "Germany"
and they say "Deutschland". I always thought it would be funny if their currency was the Deutsch Bagg.
4. The frustration of peeling an orange with your fingernails.
The worse part is when it gets under your nail and it stings for days.
5. How much llamas rock the world.
Llamas spit. It's disgusting.
6. You know how helium is in the atmosphere? I wonder how deep my voice really is.
I think argon is the coolest of all the noble gases. It sounds like a planet
7. Who invented beef stroganoff and WHY? And WHY the heck would ANYONE ever cultivate brussel sprouts (or another
veggie you hate)?
Someone really hungry. Or bored.
8. Does anyone ever EAT the fruitcake?
I saw a guy eat one once. He was really stoned. He was really depressed and tried to kill himself by ODing on
pot, four times, but he passed out every time, and then once he woke up and ate half a fruitcake. I guess three pounds of
cannibis really does rot your brain.
(DISCLAIMER: The author of this site in no way advocates the use of illegal substances or
fruitcake. If you've encountered any of these things, please, consult your physician)
9. The coolest Sunday comic EVER is ___ (and give really weird reasons why.)
The Far Side. There are no reasons, it just is. Or was. Whatever.
10. What if words were switched around? If the computer was the purple and shoes were pillytomopediheritopolopothings?
This was an episode of The Twilight Zone. Really.
June 30, 2006
Last night I dreamed that I was an agent helper for kids under seven. We had a mission to raid this
dude's house. He was in his 40s and not too good-looking, but most importantly, he was rich. We had to steal everything small
and valuable from him.
First, we had to have a distraction. So we secretly vadalized his front yard. I mean, we tore it up.
We had a flame torch that only the seven year olds could use. We burned the crap out of his bronze grey hounds.
When the cops came to investigate, I casually walked past the tape. I talked to the guy a while, not
giving any hints, and although you could plainly see I was female, when he asked for my name, I replied with an emergency
cover name, "Michael. Michael DaSsnish." You say it like "Danish" with two extra 'S's, but when I wrote it on my computer
in the dream, the spellcheck made it look like this.
When I met with the kids and the adult leader around the side of the house (no clue how they got there)
we somehow opened the side door. The room was called The Left Room, in The Left Wing. We got inside and realized something.
The walls looking outside this room were ALL windows. From the ceiling to the floor. If any of the guards looked, they would
see us. Really easily, too.
This one kid (he knew the mission was for valuables) took this cheesy little piano music box. He loved
it.
After the mission we had to WALK about an hour to get to the mission house meeting. We had to wear our
best clothes, like 5000 dollar tuxes and pageant dresses. I didn't get the memo. I wore my Elmo fleece pullover with capris.
I didn't have time to walk the hour back to change, so this one girl JUST SO HAPPENED to have BROUGHT another dress.
We also had to know our names in Spanish to get in... everyone was asking my Mexi friend and she told
me mine was Yaweke, which meant "Smiling Child's Face". Sounds friggin Indian!! Cause it sure ain't Spanish... A name is a
name anywhere.
At the end of the dream, the kid still had that toy piano and I had a really hotboyfriend. Gotta love
the dream world.
This is so weird because I used to have this same exact dream, except of course that I had a hot girlfriend at
the end of the dream. Just kidding.
But seriously it reminds me of The Little Rascals, I don't know why.
May 7, 2006
You had mentioned a couple of times that you don't believe in ghosts, and not that I want to convince
you, but I had an encounter with one. I like to call it a ghost, my step-mom called it a demon, and that didn't make things
better for me growing up. So, I call it a ghost.
When I was 13, my family and I went to stay with my step-mom's parents in Buxton, NC. There is a graveyard
on the other side of the driveway, but I don't know if it had any bearings on what happened to me. We arrived really late,
and I had to sleep in the enclosed porch (the bottom half is wall and top half is windows, with a screen door to the outside).
Well, I was laying there so covered up that only my face was uncovered. And then, seemingly far away, I heard a snare drum
that was beating like when you see the civil war dudes with the drum and flute and flag... It was getting closer. The next
thing I knew, this translucent black figure seemed to float through the screen door, and over to the side
of the bed where I was laying. I was so scared, I couldn't even scream. Then the ghost leaned towards me, stretched out his
arm, and put his hand over my mouth.... and I fainted. His silhouette looked like he was wearing a (pirate) hat and long cloak.
He could have been walking and not floating because the cloak was so long, I couldn't see any legs moving.
As for the ghosts that psychics claim to connect with, or whatever, I don't believe in all that crap.
All I know is I saw something, and I wasn't hallucinating, and I hadn't eaten any bad cheese or anything like that. In
a way, I'd like to know if it was a ghost...not that I'm expecting you to have the answer. I just thought I'd share my
"ghost story" with you.
--
---<--<-@ SHANNON @->-->---
Well, this is an interesting story. It kind of reminds me of this show that used to come on when I was little,
called Project Blue Book that was all about how these military guys went all over the world investigating UFO sightings.
Kind of like The X-Files, except that every week they proved that everything was fake. So maybe more like Scooby
Doo. Anyway, I remember this one episode where all these people saw this weird thing in the sky and then the military
dudes told them that there was a downed weather baloon in the area, and I never saw a weather balloon but they must have made
some really freaky-looking weather balloons in the 60s and 70s that did all kinds of weird shit. Anyway, this one woman said
that these aliens landed in a field by her house and they came out and gave her a ham sandwich or something, and the military
dudes were like "Well, we can't tell you that you didn't see what you said you saw....but the thing is, there was this
weather balloon in the area..."
And so, I can't tell you that you didn't see what you say you saw, or what drugs you were on at the time or have
been on since, or whether it was a ghost or a demon or a banker who was trying to scare everyone away so that he could build
a water park.
But it occurs to me that any argument Christians use to explain away belief in ghosts, are the same ones atheists
use to explain away belief in God. I do wonder though, why are ghosts always pirates and soldiers, and why aren't they ever
accountants or auto executives?
And in conclusion, I know that there are a great many people who would think it insensitive of me to say I don't
give a shit whether people believe in ghosts or not and I don't find stories about them compelling or even moderately interesting,
but on the other hand it's not nearly as offensive as being met with hostility and sarcasm when people share things like this
with me.
So, cool. Keep those emails coming.
April 29, 2006
Hi John!
There are these pictures going around the internet called Realistic Sculptures by Ron Mueck
from Australia that my best friend Momo sent me in an email. I don't know if they're real, but this one reminded
me of you, or maybe what you will look like in ten years with no clothes on and shaved, and possibly in prison where they
stripped you of your dignity and those big velcro shoes that look like what a huge retarded man would wear.
I tried to imagine what you would be in prison for but couldn't come up with anything, because most people in prisons
have the balls to actually get up off their fat asses and do something but sit around watching Justice League and Star Trek!
And as far as I know those things aren't crimes, but if they were I'm sure you would be on death row.
Anyway, enjoy!
~~Deb
Wow, Deb!
Thank you for taking the time to send me this picture, along with your brilliant comments, insightful as ever.
It's not many people who would take the time to do so, but then again there aren't many folks I know who are comfortable enough
in their same-sex relationships to email each other pictures of giant retarded naked men, and at work yet! It must have been
another productive day for you and Momo down at the chocolate factory, and one can only hope that WIllie Wonka doesn't
institute policies against such things.
Thank you also for your concern about my daily schedule, but please also be assured that very little of my time is
spent imagining what you look like naked or in prison.
April 21, 2006
OK, well, my friend Teresa is like totally into the vegan thing and PETA and animal rights
and stuff, and she's a veterinarian and spays and neuters animals and takes care of strays and all that. And apparently her teenage daughter is, too, which I can tell by the following email that she sent me, which
I will print here even though, let's just say that it's not a subject that I feel strongly about either way:
Sent: Friday, April 21, 2006 5:36 PM
Subject:
y not 2 eat cows
this
website, http://www.goveg.com/f-top10cows.asp?int=weekly_enews ,also has beef free recipes at the bottom, so go check it out!
Top 10 Reasons Not to Eat Cows
 Help Your Health by Leaving Cows Alone
Eating beef products, which are loaded with artery-clogging
cholesterol and saturated fat, is a good way to increase both your waistline and your chances of developing impotence and
diseases such as heart disease, diabetes, arthritis, osteoporosis, Alzheimer’s disease, and asthma. Research has shown
that vegetarians are 50 percent less likely to develop heart disease than are meat-eaters, and they have 40 percent of the
cancer rate of meat-eaters. Plus, meat-eaters are nine times more likely to be obese than vegans are. Every time you eat animal-derived
products, you’re also ingesting bacteria, antibiotics, dioxins, hormones, and a host of other substances, some toxic,
that can accumulate in your body and remain there for years. Learn more about how consuming animal products affects your health.
 Cows Are Too Nice to Eat
Cows are gentle, social animals. Each cow has the
ability to recognize more than 100 other cows, and they form close friendships with members of their herd. Researchers report
that cows grieve when their friends or family members die. Learn more about cows’ personalities and some of their amazing feats.
 Even Cowboys Don’t Eat Cows Anymore
Clint Eastwood recently said, “I try to stick
to a vegan diet—heavy on fruit, vegetables, tofu, and other soy products.” Howard Lyman was a fourth-generation cattle rancher who became vegan after learning about the effects of factory farming—he now
tours the country promoting a vegetarian diet. Other tough guys who refuse to eat animals include hip-hop legends Andre 3000
and Mos Def, actors Tobey Maguire and Joaquin Phoenix, NFL superstar Ricky Williams, and Olympian Carl Lewis.
 Hormones: It’s What’s for
Dinner
To make cows
grow at an unnaturally fast rate, the cattle industry implants them with pellets full of hormones. While low levels of naturally
occurring hormones are found in various foods, many scientists are concerned that the artificial hormones injected into cows
cause health problems in people who eat them. The Los Angeles Times reports
that confidential industry reports have found extremely high levels of estradiol, “a potent cancer-causing and gene-damaging
estrogen,” in meat products from cows treated with the hormone. According to the Times,
“[T]he amount of estradiol in two hamburgers eaten in one day by an 8-year-old boy could increase his total hormone
levels by as much as 10% ….” Learn more about meat and hormones.
 Torture 101
Cattle are subjected to abuses that would warrant felony cruelty-to-animals
charges if they were committed against dogs or cats. Cows have their horns sliced off; they are branded, which causes excruciating
third-degree burns; and males are castrated. This is all done without any painkillers. They are injected full of hormones
and confined to overcrowded, dusty feedlots for months. Then they are shipped without food or water to the slaughterhouse,
where a metal rod is shot through their brains and they are hung upside-down and have their throats slit. Because line speeds
are so fast, many of the animals are still conscious throughout the process. Learn more about cows in factory farms and slaughterhouses.
 Stealing Food From the Poor
It is inefficient to grow grains and other feed crops
for animals—only a fraction of what we feed them is actually turned into flesh that humans can eat. The vast majority
is used by the animal to live and grow. The highly respected Worldwatch Institute says, “In a world where an estimated
one in every six people goes hungry each day, the politics of meat consumption are increasingly heated, since meat production
is an inefficient use of grain—the grain is used more efficiently when consumed directly by humans. Continued growth
in meat output is dependent on feeding grain to animals, creating competition for grain between affluent meat-eaters and the
world’s poor.” Learn how you can help fight world hunger by going vegetarian.
 Amazing Escapes
Millions of cows are killed in slaughterhouses each year in the United
States. The few who manage to escape pull off some amazing feats. A cow named Emily got away
from a Massachusetts slaughterhouse, leapt over a 5-foot gate, and survived for several weeks
in the woods during the New England winter before she was rescued. A pregnant cow named Suzie
was being loaded onto a freighter when she ran back down the gangplank, leapt into the river, and swam across. She eluded
capture before being rescued by PETA and taken to a sanctuary. And Molly, a cow from Montana,
recently escaped, crossing the Missouri River before finally being caught. While all three
of these cows touched their communities’ hearts so much that they were released to sanctuaries, the millions of nameless
cows killed by the meat industry each year aren’t so lucky.
 Filthy Air, Toxic Water
Factory farms and feedlots produce a staggering amount
of feces that pollutes both the water and the air. Stored in massive lagoons, the manure seeps into nearby rivers and streams,
killing fish and ruining the quality of the water. The feces also emit harmful chemicals and microorganisms into the air.
Numerous studies and governmental reports have shown higher rates of miscarriages, respiratory problems, and neurological
diseases among people who live near factory farms. Learn more about how factory farms are harming rural America.
 It’s Mad to Eat Meat
Mad cow disease is already in the United States, and the U.S.
government is not following World Health Organization recommendations for ensuring that it doesn’t spread. While Japan and all Europe countries have banned the feeding of animal protein to farmed animals,
the practice continues across the board in the U.S. meat industry, which
is just begging for a “mad chicken,” a “mad pig,” or some other variant of the disease in the U.S. meat supply. Because it takes years for the disease to
show up in humans, there’s no way of knowing how many Americans have already been infected. Amazingly, the U.S. government still refuses to take the problem seriously. In 2005, the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) tested less than 1 percent
of U.S. cows for the disease. Unbelievably,
even though the third case of mad cow disease in the United States
was found in 2006, the USDA announced that it is scaling back this testing.
 It’s Easy to Be Kind
Leaving cows and other animals off your plate is easier
than ever. You can now get tasty veggie burgers at numerous restaurants, including Burger King, Johnny Rockets, and Ruby Tuesday.
Check out our favorite beef substitutes, all of which are delicious and cholesterol- and cruelty-free.
(....And here was my response....)
Top Ten Reasons To
Eat Cows
1 If
everyone stopped eating cows and wearing leather, there would be no more cows. No one would have any interest in keeping them
around or caring for them or breeding them. People don’t keep them as pets. They don’t live in the wild, and if
they did bears and wolves would eat them all.
2 They
really taste good, and there are lots of ways to cook them
3 You
know how hindus think that cows are sacred? That’s crap. Plus, it doesn't even make sense to think that the end result
of all that good karma is that you wind up as a cow. Being a cow in India would be ok I guess, but I don't think it'd be worth
it to wind up as a cow in, say, Kansas.
4 You
measure your own self worth by how well you do in school and what job you have and how pretty you are, but cows measure their
self worth by how good they taste. They want people to eat them; it gives their lives meaning, like that gay cartoon tuna
in the old commercials who always wanted Starkist to catch him
5 Think
of all the chickens we save by eating cows. If you want to save something, save a chicken. They're cuter, anyway.
6 If
the situation were reversed, believe me, cows would totally eat people.
7 God
wants us to. I’m pretty sure it’s in the Bible somewhere
8 Lots
and lots of steak sauce will go to waste if we don’t
9 Everyone
else does it. Besides, cows don't even like each other: A recent scientific study has shown that, for cows to even have sex
with each other, they have to pretend that they're horses.
10 This
is how planet of the apes got started, except with cows
April 15, 2006
I thought you would like this ~~ Rosalie
Thanks, I think that's awesome, and all kinds of ironic and stuff.
April 14, 2006
so i was reading your site..and i dont know why.. but the move THE COLOR PURPLE just popped into my head..i went
off into this tangent thinking about one of the lines spoken by the actress playing as the bar slut/singer-turned friend...she
said that God just wants to be noticed..he gives us fields of flowers that are purple in an attempt to catch our attention...and
he gets pissed off when we dont notice them...do you think its true? im not voting either way..was just thinking about it...
sone_chandi
I don't know what to say about that, because once I saw about five minutes of this movie on TV and the only message
I remember getting from it was OPRAH TO WHITE PEOPLE: SUCK IT! And then I sat and mocked it until my girlfriend at the time
got up and left and I was supposed to go running after her asking what was the matter and telling her I was sorry, but instead
I think I went and got a sandwich.
As for your specific point, I think if God got pissed at us for something as minor as not noticing flowers, then
He would strike me dead every time someone cut me off in traffic.
March 18, 2006
You write about all this sex stuff like you are Mr perfect and have never done anything wrong and you act like sex is dirty and filthy. I think sex is the best
thing ever was and God gave it to us so why shouldn’t we have some fun huh. Plus when you write about fetushes I bet
you have a few of your own!!!!
- Josh
Thank you for your email, Josh. I'm sorry that you were offended by
my page about sex, but, well, really I'm not sorry at all and I think you're a douche bag.
Dude, I just wrote about what sex is, and what I personally think about
it. If this makes you feel that I'm judging you, then I suggest some therapy because those are your issues.
Like that time you caught your mom and dad in the hot tub. You know
you did.
As for my own fetishes, two things:
-
It's called spell check, dude. Look into it. And
-
I don't know that I personally have any tendency that might technically
be classified as a fetish, like my cheerleader fixation. Except maybe my cheerleader fixation. And I've kind of always wanted
to do it with a Klingon chick. I know they're not real. Shut up.
March 11, 2006
Email one:
Dear Mr. Doolittle,
I'm a frequent reader of your website, and although I enjoy it a great deal, I must say that the emails regarding UFOs in the bible disgusted me. The information was horribly inaccurate, and people like that give the rest of us a bad reputation.
Please make sure to make a note that though there are aliens linked to Christianity, they are in no way UFOs. In truth,
they were an important part of the formation of the religion, and many were early followers just as humans. If you'd
like me to go into detail about their decline and eventual mass destruction, along with their role in the Church, I'd be more
than happy to.
Keep Writing!
Thank you for your time,
Brunhilde Braunschweiger
When I post things on this site, I don't really ever
know who's going to read it or what they're going to think. But for some reason I'm not really getting the best demographic.
At least, based on emails like this.
Thank you for your comments, Brun. Any information you can send me about aliens, the Bible, or giant purple frogs
would be welcome.
Also, to be fair, I haven't posted any of the reports or essays that Frank sent me. So if anyone wants to see
them, email me and I will send them to you.
Email two:
Tinkerbell is way hotter than Teenage Pebbles. Cavewoman don't shave...fairies do.
~~ Bonnie
I'm sure Pebbles has a razor made from a bird that talks, but I will say, the best thing about Tinkerbell is
that when she starts to piss you off, you can just not believe in her.
And as for who's hotter, I don't know.....leopard skins and bones in her hair, that's a tough act to follow.
I wonder if someone could make money with a strip joint where all the strippers were cartoons...
March 10, 2006
kid rodeos? thats one of the reasons why they make mini cows? i would never put my kid on a mini cow for a damn rodeo!
--Bethany
Maybe you can train them to work in a mini slaughterhouse.
"John"
March 9, 2006
In your latest entry, you said that there would soon be minature rodeos because of these cows and horses...did
you look at the link that you used? the page has a link saying "why minature cows?" on the left side...one of their reasons
is for kids rodeos!!
check it out
A series of emails from last year between me and an insane guy who believes that there are UFOs in the Bible
(This first email I got, unsolicited, with no introduction or explanation. Also,
this guy actually sent me the picture along with his report)
From: Frank [mailto:ezekielswheels@cox.net]
Sent: Wednesday, January 05,
2005 4:48 PM
To: the.claw@bigmonster.net
Subject: EZEKIEL'S WHEELS IN THE BIBLE AND THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS;
THEY ARE FLYING SAUCERS!
EXPOSING THE MODUS TRANSPORTARAE OF SATAN'S END TIME ANGELIC DECEPTION.
Please read my article,
whereby you will be illuminated as to the exact nature of the prophet Ezekiel's vision of the four "living creatures" by the
river
of Chevar in the year 593 B.C. Contrary to mainstream exegetical
views, Ezekiel in no way saw four feather-winged cherubs! He saw angelic chariots, and describes them in perfect detail. My
new translation of Ezekiel chapter 1 and relevant, non-redundant portions of chapter 10 allow for one to draw a precise drawing
of the chariot Ezekiel describes. Read also what the divergent yet unanimous exegetical voices of antiquity have to say about
what the prophet saw in the heavens. See the attached drawing of the chariot. I invite any questions and/or comments. The
truth about angelic chariots must be made known.
In Christ,
Frank
(He sends a really really long essay all about Ezekiel and Old Testament blah
blah blah, and if you go to this link, you can see that Satan has UFO's as well. This is an actual picture that he sent
me of God's UFO:)
From: John J. Doolittle [mailto:the.claw@bigmonster.net]
Sent:
Wednesday, January 05, 2005 5:13 PM
To: 'Frank'
Subject: RE: EZEKIEL'S WHEELS IN THE BIBLE AND THE DEAD
SEA SCROLLS; THEY ARE FLYING SAUCERS!
Thank you for
this insane thing that you sent me
From: Frank [mailto:ezekielswheels@cox.net]
Sent: Wednesday, January 05,
2005 5:21 PM
To: John J. Doolittle
Subject: Re: EZEKIEL'S WHEELS IN THE BIBLE AND THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS;
THEY ARE FLYING SAUCERS!
TELL THIS TO THOSE WHO WROTE
THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS AND OTHER EARLY EXEGETICAL WRITINGS;
THE BIBLICAL ARCHAEOLOGY
SOCIETY READ ONE OF MY ARTICLE AND WROTE:
"YOUR ARTICLE IS INTRIGUING
AND YOU HAVE CLEARLY UNDERTAKEN A CAREFUL INTERPRETATION OF THE BIBLICAL TEXT."
ARE YOU A HEBREW SCHOLAR?
OR EVEN A IGNORANT BIBLE THUMPER?
INSANELY YOURS,
FRANK
From: John J. Doolittle [mailto:the.claw@bigmonster.net]
Sent: Wednesday,
January 05, 2005 7:23 PM
To: 'Frank'
Subject: RE: Emailing: QUMRAN AND CHARIOTS
Do you have
some type of mailing list? If so, please keep me on it. This stuff is GREAT
From: Frank [mailto:ezekielswheels@cox.net]
Sent: Wednesday, January 05,
2005 7:49 PM
To: John J. Doolittle
Subject: Re: Emailing: QUMRAN AND CHARIOTS
Dear John,
Quite frankly, I am not sure
exactly how I got your e-mail address. I found it on a search engine that was somehow related to ufos, biblical prophesy,
or a related subject. Did you not just send me a comment on my article
in which you said that I was "insane", or am I confusing you with someone else? Send me your website and I will know more
about you as well. I am looking forward to hearing from you, and if I sent you some negative comments, please
forgive me. Did you get a copy of my article? I send so many e-mails out that I can't keep people straight. The majority of
those who respond to my article, which represents exhaustive research into the Hebrew Old Testament text, as well
as the many early exegetical [interpretive] writings of the Jews, Greeks and Gnostic Christians, some people respond
with nasty comments, to which I respond with a "shot from the hip", if you
know what I mean. I defend my work, that is for sure.
Thanks,
Frank
(I got this email today and it fit in so nicely with the Holy UFOs theme that
I decided to post it here)
From: REV OJONGWO [mailto:rev_ojongwo@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: Tuesday, March
07, 2006 5:02 PM
To: the.claw@bigmonster.net
Subject: DEVINE GREETINGS.. John J. Doolittle
Dear John J.
Doolittle .
DevineGreetings,How are you,hope you
are keeping healthy,permitte me to ask you if you are a fulltime minister,is your ministry registered into humaniterian activities.
Let me hasten to introduce myself as Rev.Godwin Ojongwo, a merchant in the republic of Togo.
I was
married to Mrs abigail Ojongwo,a (singaporean) former director of singapore Regional Training Institute before she died along
with our only son in Indonesia on holidays occasioned by the tsunami wave disaster of 26th December 2004. Their body was not
found (God knows best).and to him alone shall all flesh return.
I could not travel with them
because I have liver cancer as the doctors placed me on medications. Before this sorrowfull inccident,I deposited (u.s $9.3
million) with a Security Company here in the republic of Togo, with my son's name as the next of kin. As God may have it,I
was diagnosed of liver cancer, and the doctors said I have just few months to live.
In view of my condition,
and the fact that I have nobody to leave this money behind for, knowing fully well that my extended family are after my life,just
because my late wife susceeded in converting me from islam to christianity above all they beleived on what the doctor told
them that I'm not going to survive the illness,they now concluded in their heart that there is no need for them to be wasting
money on me.
I decided to donate this money
to either a living Church or a humaniterian organization/religious organization that will use this money in propagating the
gospel and also taking care of the orphans,widows, and the needy generally.( 2Cor: 4:6-18-17 ).By so doing,I would have susceeded
in immortalising the names of my late wife and my only Son.
Beloved,though I am sick and diying,I am not afraid of death because I know where I am going.My soul has found a resting
place in the handsome bossom of the lord.Who shall seperate us from the love of christ?shall tribulation,or persecution- --
-Rom 8:28-38 vs 35 As soon as I receive your reply,
Beloved,if my inner spirit
has led me well, i need to hear from you, i need to know you better, possible invite you so that we can develope proper intimacy
after which I will then give you the contact of the Security Company and all the documents that would warrant the transfer
of the money to you.Please understand that this massage requires urgency as my ill-health demands, any delay in your response
will give me room to contact other person,I also want an assurance that you will use this money for the purpose I have stated
here.
Be warned that the security
company does not know the real contents is money as it was registered as personal effects.When I was depositing the money
I told them that the contents is computer accessories for security reasons.Please be kindly enough to call me on this telephone
number below for better understanding.I have all that you will need for proper clearifiaction. waiting for your urgent response.
Remain blessed
Rev.Godwin Ojongwo
From: John J. Doolittle [mailto:the.claw@bigmonster.net]
Sent: Thursday,
March 09, 2006 9:20 PM
To: 'REV OJONGWO'
Subject: RE: DEVINE GREETINGS.. Ezekiel's Wheels
Thank you for
your email and I am sorry to hear that you are going to be dead soon. Rest assured that Ezekiel’s Chariot will carry
you away to a place of rest!
Yes, that’s
right! I said Ezekiel’s Chariot, for as you may already be aware, God’s Holy UFO’s are circling the globe,
battling Satan’s Demonic UFO’s, and awaiting the souls of the righteous to take away to another planet, perhaps
a homeworld where we shall all live in peace and harmony, where purple cucumber people dance around the sun singing “Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!” and where evil men burst into flames where you say the number four.
Please, if you
wish to do something worthwhile with all of your fortunes, contact my good friend Frank at mailto:ezekielswheels@cox.net and he will see to it that the money is put to good use!
May the Holy UFO’s fly to your home!
John
September 25, 2005
I found your site when I was
researching a paper on Heisenberg's Principle of Uncertainty. It was very entertaining but perhaps oversimplified Heisenberg's work. The Uncertainty Principle is a way of expressing
the idea that, on a Quantum Mechanical level, one cannot precisely measure momentum and postion, without changing one or the
other simply by the act of observation.
-Eric
Thanks, Eric. I really did know that already but, simply, didn't really give a shit. I don't mean
to be rude but, like most people, I don't see how quantum field theory affects me one way or the other. What I was talking
about was Heisenberg's historical role and how he failed to sustain a chain reaction and in doing so kept Hitler from developing
the A-Bomb.
But whatever, dude. Thanks for taking time to read this crap and let me hear from you again.
June 30, 2005
Dear Mr. Doolittle,
I just happened to go throughyour website...and guess what...I really loved it, especially Indiana's letters. Yes, there are issues where I don't quite agree with you..but by and large, I love the way you get your point across. Looking
forward to reading more of your articles on your blog and getting to know you better.
Bluebell.(LOL)
Indiana says thank you.
January 22, 2005
Hey - I found your site on Google. Do you by chance know where any of the members of Betty's not a vitamin are?
Thx
No, sorry. But Google rocks, doesn't it?
From: justin case
Sent: Monday, November 07, 2005 12:52 AM
Subject:
betty's not a vitamin?
Hi.
Saw a posting from earlier this year
asking where the members of Betty's Not a Vitamin might be.
There are four in Atlanta and apparently
Four more in another Betty's Not a Vitamin in Tampa, FLA. The Florida guys have a website at, imaginatively
enough, bettysnotavitamin.com.
Thanks!
Dude, thanks!
November 15, 2004
If R.D. Price gets to go grocery shopping with Buffy, he's alright with me!! By the way Ms. Gellar was great
in "The Grudge."
Yeah David's a great guy. I'll let him know you said so.
October 3, 2004
I heard Gilbert O’Sullivan
singing that Claire song on TOTP2 and thought it sounded great. So got a copy and then listened to the words.
I was surprised and like everyone in this rotten cynical world thought immediately of paedophilic connotations. I have
looked up the song and its about his niece, Claire and the line in it about “Uncle Ray” is with reference to the
singer’s real name. I think that his sister or brother would probably have stepped in by now had old Uncle Gilbert
been anything more than a doting uncle.
But it makes me
think how pathetic things can get that a perfectly innocent song is torn to shreds 30 years later because the world is so
much more aware of (though statistically is not any more affected by) paedophilia. Similarly with homosexuality, the
word gay or queer now mean very different things to when I was young. The cynicism towards politicians is frightening
– the notion that all politicians are 100% there for selfish reasons is absurd as it is offensive as it is counter productive;
all of them now are so desperately scared to make mistakes that largely they do little. They cannot say anything without it
being contorted by the media.
The media too is responsible for today’s
dreadful fascination of all things sexual and double entendres referring thereto. Similarly the fascination for celebrity
prevalent now. In my view this obsession we have with the famous is not a harmless trend but something genuinely frightening
in our society. I believe it creates great unhappiness amongst those who feel they do not measure up, great bitterness
amongst the same people towards those who they believe they do, great insecurity amongst everyone who forms part of the cult
be they followers or celebrities themselves. Actors, who on the whole do nothing worthy in their lives and are themselves
nothing more than a product of a deep rooted insecurity and need to be admired by the masses are already in the US
finding themselves as tipped for the Presidency. The UK
will follow. Really it is long past time we all shook ourselves and stopped allowing this nonsense to continue.
I like films, music, tv. I have met some celebrities and found them to be on the whole reasonable people. But
for goodness sake they should not be held up as role models for anyone. Hello Magazine and all the other hideous offspring
which it has sired should be left on the shelves where they belong and we should instead give the money to local charities.
What do you reckon?
That was an awful
rant wasn’t it. I only really tried to send a note to your web page saying that I don’t think Gilbert O’Sullivan
should be though of as a bad man.
Of course,
we're all entitled to our opinions.
I largely
agree with you on our cynicism and how bad things are, especially with regard to politicians. People think they're all the
same, and that it doesn't matter who you vote for, or worse, they vote for someone just because MTV says that they should.
I don't want those dumb asses voting. I don't think we should deny anyone the right to vote, but I'm not going to encourage
them to put down their water bongs to get out to the polls.
Having
said that, I really want to put this matter about Claire to rest. Here are the lyrics:
Claire.
The moment I met you, I swear.
I felt as if something, somewhere,
Had happened to me, which I couldn't see.
And
then, the moment I met you, again.
I knew in my heart that we were friends.
It had to be so, it couldn't be no.
But
try as hard as I might do, I don't know why.
You get to me in a way I can't describe.
Words mean so little when you
look up and smile.
I don't care what people say, to me you're more than a child.
Oh
Claire. Claire ...
Claire. If ever a moment so rare
Was captured for all to compare.
That moment is you in all
that you do.
But why in spite of our age difference do I cry.
Each time I leave you I
feel I could die.
Nothing means more to me than hearing you say,
"I'm going to marry you. Will you marry me, Unclke
Ray?"
Oh Claire. Claire...
Claire, I've told you before "Don't you dare!"
"Get back into bed."
"Can't
you see that it's late."
"No you can't have a drink."
"Oh allright then, but wait just a minute."
While I, in
an effort to babysit, catch up on my breath,
What there is left of it.
You can be murder at this hour of the day.
But
in the morning the sun will see my lifetime away.
Oh Claire. Claire ...
Oh Claire.
Now,
clearly, this guy is having some inappropriate feelings about his neice. More than a child? Come on, man. If this song is
not about a pedophile, it so much sounds like one that this guy is the stupidest ass on earth for not realizing
that everyone would think it was.
August 1, 2004
I just read your entry on picking out sunglasses. You should seriously try and get some of your stories like that one together and publish them into a book. Seriously...they
are so clever and perfectly versed with just the right amount of humour. YOu are so incredible. Even if you are fashion blind.
How come you got a piercing? I think that ear piercings are cool...it really is a whole new world for you right
now. Just dont go and like, buy a Harley and wear leather all the time and get married to a young blond named Yolanda whose
teeth got knocked out by her last rugged boyfriend in a bar fight...or even worse, in her own wrestling match. Okay?
Adrienne
Well, thanks for your comments, Adrienne. For all of you who are worried about such things, let me assure you that
there is absolutely no chance of my marrying again under these circumstances. But it's nice to know you care.
June 17, 2004
I don't have a problem with you, I just want to know how you have such a expanded insight of beingness? Having the
carreer of a massage therapist my whole world revolves around beingness. And I have heard alot of people come up with the
same "state of beingness," and it bugs the crap out of me. You have broadend your view on this subject, and I am oddly intrigued
to find out more on how you fell! I would greatly appreciate the return of this when you can find the time.
Thank-You,
Chrys
Now for those of you who think I am just this giant offensive ass, sitting in my living room mocking everyone
else, I want you all to know something. I've kept this email private for about two months. When I first wrote my entries about beingism, I imagined that someone might actually write me an email about it. I imagined that someone would actually say that
the stuff I was writing would be what they actually believed. Which is why I kept it as vague as possible and tried to be
extremely clear that I was not talking about stuff that anyone should actually believe, but I was mocking all that pseudo-psychological
pop culture crap that folks can't seem to get enough of.
Which is why it surprised me that anyone could read it and think that I had special insight into anything, except
maybe how these self-help schmucks totally rip you off. Honestly, if I had a personal philosophy that I could honestly say
my whole world revolved around, and some smartass on the internet could sum it up with some made up platitudes, I think I
would seriously have to re-examine my belief system.
Which is kind of why I wasn't sure if this email was a joke or not, and I wasn't sure if I should just post it
here and mock her, or should I respond to her, and if I did, what should I say? Should I discuss what
I actually believe, or should I discuss beingism as if it was my actual belief? In the end I decided that I didn't have enough
information, and so I sent her an email that basically said I would be glad to discuss it with her, but first I wanted to
know what it was that she believed, and why she thought I had special insight into it.
Several emails later, she still has not responded. So I am posting it here because I still don't
know what to say to it.
June 19 / 20
This is from a series of emails back and forth between me and Susi. I swear I did not change
anything, I just moved the text around a little to organize it, but everything that appears is exactly as she typed it:
I looked at your website because I could have sworn that song "Claire" (Gilbert O'Sullivan) stopped being played
(in '71 or whenever) because it was about a pedophile and I was curious about it. Your website is the only one that says it's
pretty creepy, everything else says how sweet and innocent it is, etc., but I really remember this being a big rumor in my
junior high. I read on some "fan website" of Gilbert O'Sullivan who wrote that song that he wrote it about his manager's young
daughter who he just really liked and it was supposedly very sweet and innocent but I totally remember radio stations abruptly
stopped playing it - it was one of those things they played CONSTANTLY before that - and people saying that it was promoting
pedophilia. (I didn't know at the time - I couldn't figure out most of the words.)
I did find the website from trying to google the "Claire" thing but then I read your other things and they were very
funny (I have a 15yo son with a very strange sense of humor and some of your stuff reminds me of things he says) Here's how
I found it...I had to look back at all the stuff I went through...I went on "Ask Jeeves" and typed in "Clare the moment I
met you I swear" and your website was listed with heading "stupid songs".
Anyway, your website is VERY funny (I've gotta show my kids, they'll love it) but I thought I'd tell you about
vegetarian meat. (I'm a vegetarian.) Buddhist vegetarian restaurants make stuff that looks exactly like meat and fish but
contains no animal products. (The pork even has that little red stripe on the edge.) It even tastes like what I remember meat
tasting like (although it's been a long time.) My kids and non-vegetarian friends don't exactly agree - they think it just
tastes strange. Here's how it goes: The restaurant writes it up likes it's regular stuff - regular Chinese menu stuff - but
it's really made with seitan and other vegan things and everybody who goes there knows that. A long time ago, the servants
of high ranking Buddhist monks would make them vegetarian food that looked exactly like whatever the meat thing was. Like
they would carve thin bone looking things out of tofu or some soy thing cover that with more stuff, and then even make scales
out of something else so it would end up looking exactly like a fish but no animal products. This was probably in the middle
ages or something, I don't think there are any Buddhist monks with servants who have that kind of time on their hands but
that's what the "Buddhist vegetarian" restaurants are based on. You should try one sometime. I don't know where you live but
I'm sure most big cities have several. I think the best one around Philadelphia is "Singapore". That's the story.
Now, FYI everybody:
1) Yes, the song Claire is really really creepy. When you hear it, it's catchy and you don't think about it too much, but when you listen over it
a few times, you start to go, "huh?" He's her babysitter and he's in love with her!! You can try to spin
that, but you will not be successful. The creepiest part is at the very end, during the fade-out (the part that most
radio deejays probably just talk over) you hear a little girl probably 8 or 9 years old giggling. Ewwww.
I have been looking through this site also to find this, I could swear I posted it somewhere else....and that
is that, most places on the internet when you look up the lyrics to this song, Claire says "I want to marry you, will you
marry me? Oh, hurray!" But if you listen to the song that is so totally not what Claire says. She says, "Will you marry
me, UNCLE RAY?" There are even places I found where they claim the song is about a man "playing house with his neice"
but then list the lyrics as "Oh, hurray!" Now where do they get the neice part when they don't include the word "uncle" in
the lyrics?
And, yes, when you go to Ask Jeeves, and type in "Claire, the moment I met you, I swear", my website is the third one on the list!!! Ask Jeeves rocks!!!
And, finally, for those of you who wonder, Susi is referencing the lyrics I posted on Stupid Songs.
2) All that stuff about vegetarian meat comes from a picture I posted on Random Jokes & Odd Pictures, which suddenly doesn't seem so funny. But I feel like I learned something new today, and grew a little bit
June 10, 2004
I made a banner for you. And now have you posted on my links page. Take a look.
Thanks, Gary. I was just goofing around though, you didn't have to do that. In your honor,
though (and since several other people have asked for them), I have added a new page called Buttons & Banners for folks who want to post a link to me.
June 8, 2004
People like me often like the talking heads and Monty Python for some reason. I agree about
Monty Python. My older brother saved me from a life of disco and introduced me to Frank Zappa at a very young age (to the
delight of my parents!) Anyways.... I was born and raised in New Joisey and yes, I happen to love Bruce Springstein.
I am a professional Face painter but not a clown , I hate clowns. I meet alot of clowns in my field and they all hate
children, Why is that? I had one I was working with and he actually said, "beat it kid". to a five year old! What makes a
forty year old man go through an hour of make up and costume time to drive 40 minutes to a five year olds birthday only to
tell the kids to beat it and make dumb balloon animals? My dad took me to New York's Madison square garden to see Barnum and
Bailey circus when I was four or five and at the end of the show they have a big parade and they pull kids out of the audience
to ride with the clowns around the rings, they picked me and the clowns where pulling my legs and my hands were wrapped around
my dads head and I was screaming and they wouldn't let go of me and they would take me away and leave town without my dad!
What makes a clown think they can do that ? What's up with my dad? I was damaged for life and now I have a job where I have
to see these guys all the time! Do you think I maneuvered this myself somehow to try to deal with this fear of evil clowns?
I work for an entertainment company (who don't hire clowns, thank God above!) but I do have to do walk abouts with characters
like blues clues, scooby doo, and other freaky bad costumes, I'm to short to actually wear them but I have to hold their mitten
hands and make sure kids don't assault the character and it's almost like being with a clown because you know the person inside
rather be somewhere else than in this dumb suit in 90 degree weather and they need a smoke...badly. I don't dream about
clowns though, I think that would be the end for me, I would know I have defiantly gone nuts. I always wondered about
those poor souls who have Alzheimer's or dementia, when is it when they realize that this is it, my mind is gone, I always
thought that I would here a definite snap , like a stick breaking when I go nuts, "She just Snapped and went
crazy!" the headline always says. But most likely when I go crazy, it will start with a clown dream.
Wow, thanks for sharing your clown trauma. That's a lot more personal information than
folks usually share with me. I had a similar experience, but it involved a guy dressed like Bingo from The Banana Splits,
and in the end I think I was actually able to set him on fire. Anyway, keep writing!
June 7, 2004 (later that day...)
Hi John, I was searching for e-cards on MSN search and I used the words "bizzare e-cards"
and you came up ! Go figure! I read almost your whole website and I really think were related! You can post my
note but I don't know what an "e-mail addy" is, will it hurt? I liked your list of stupid things people say w/ your
response to them and funny things you have said to people in your life. I always wanted to write a list like that for myself
but it always seemed to concieted but maybe now I should because it's very entertaining! I am an artist who thinks
your art work is very clever, you could make t-shirts and bumper stickers. I think it's refreshing to read some cool ramblings
from a beliver who is not afraid to be real. As for interpreting your dreams, there are some good books on that subject
but I personally never took it seriously, although I do believe God sent me a dream to experience what it would feel like
to be left behind, it changed my life at age 20 and put me back on track from years of rebellion. Well anyways, I'll
be reading your site from now on, keep on dreaming!
P.S. Last nights dream was short, I opened the refrigerator door late at night and pulled
out the vegtable crisper drawer to find it filled with water and five mini dolphins swimming in it! cool! Do you happen
to be a Talking Heads fan or love Monty Python?
Coll
Let's see. Talking Heads is one of those bands that has like one really great song on
each album, like how Remain In Light had "Once In A Lifetime" and the rest of it was just meh...all their albums
seem to be like that, at least every one that came out after 1980. Not that the good songs don't make up for the rest of them,
I really like these few songs, but not enough that you could say I was a fan. At least not the way you could say I was a fan
of The Ramones or Buddy Holly.
As for Monty Python, yeah, I like them. But it's like everyone I know who thinks that
they're all creative and clever and cutting-edge goes around reciting huge pieces of dialouge from Monty Python, and it makes
it kind of not-clever and not-cutting edge, at least for me. So, yeah, I like Monty Python. But only so much.
I don't think God ever sent me a dream. Unless you believe that He sent me the one about
the Las Vegas showgirls? Personally, I don't believe that.
Anyway, thanks for your letter, Colleen
June 7, 2004
Greetings Mr. Doolittle, today I discovered your website and it made my day!
I love your dreams, I'm a big dreamer. Remember that Jerry Lewis movie where he would dream a comic strip plot to Dean
Martin and he (Dean Martin) would right it down and then make big bucks with it? I'm like the Jerry Lewis character
but my husband can never stay awake long enough to write down my rantings. I dream in full color,plots, music and perfect
imagry, just like a hollywood movie! I can change scenery in mid story, pick up the tempo of music and pick my actors
( Sean Connery always seems to get alot of work from me.) I dream about natural disasters, Tornados and tidal waves mostly
but I have been known to fly a commercial airplane, Save my unit from the nazis ( I hate nazis), take down a drug dealer,
save the mayor from a gang and fly in a frying pan over the city of paris. If I could just get this stuff on paper I think
I could sell my scenes to Steven Spielberg, what do you think? The only thing I can't do is get a full movie plot, it's
always a complete scene but never the whole story. I have a great scene for anyone who needs an image of the hours directly
after the rapture. I'll call Mel Gibson on that one!
Thanks for the email, Colleen! Yeah, well, my dreams are mostly weird crap that no one
can understand or explain. I've heard of folks "directing" their dreams, like, controlling what happens in them, which I did
once. It involved Las Vegas showgirls, and let's just leave it at that. Anyway, usually they're just there and I have no idea
what they mean or (obviously) how to make money off them. Any thoughts on this subject would be appreciated.
May 29, 2004
Hi again. Just a couple more things I want to add. The best part of "Bewitched"
was Dick York, he was a terrific comic actor. And didn't George Baily say to Uncle Billy: "one of us will have to go
to jail, well it's not going to be me!" Uncle Billy I thought was a very kindly old gentlemen, where as George was really
full of himself and very cocky. But I guess Clarence the angel taught him a lesson. I thought it was a bit silly,
if George had never been born, his wife would of ended up being an old maid librarian. One of the librarians in my town
is pregnant! My favorite lines are: "we serve hard drinks for guys who like to get drunk fast!" and "Out you two pixes
go, out the door or through the window !." Anyway, that's it, have a good memorial day weekend.
Thanks, Gary. You bring up two excellent points in your email. I just happen to
disagree. Strenuously.
First of all, I don't think Dick York was much of an actor. His whole range was "minor
annoyance" and "full-blown rage". He was always bitching about something. Why did he even marry Samantha? And what did she
see in him? Elizabeth Montgomery was a hell of an actress, and deserved better than this.
Now, it's true that George did not want to go to jail, but forget for a minute that he
was actually innocent. George stayed in Bedford Falls because he believed in the Building & Loan. He did not see himself
actually taking it over, but he helped folks, and he did what he did because no one else would step up and take charge. Certainly
not Uncle Billy, on the other hand, drunk and incompetent.
Yeah, you know, the librarian thing was kind of weird. Mary couldn't have been happy
married to rich Sam Wainwright, and raised a pack of kids that ran around going "HEEE HAW!"????
This goes a long way toward disproving Gallileo's theory that the earth revolves around
the sun. It really revolves around George Freakin' Bailey.
P.S. Gary, I've been posting all your emails and linked you on my links page, why don't
I even get a mention on your links page??? Huh???
May 25, 2004
This guy didn't want me to post his letter, but said that I could if I withheld his name:
Wow! That was quite an e-mail you got from Widdle Gween Apples! Geez!
I don't feel like defending "Bewitched." I use to like "It's a Wonderful Life" but I've seen it too much, George
Balley's not really that great of a guy, he wanted his Uncle Billy to go to jail just because he miss laid some money.
And then he goes home later and takes it out on the kids! Wishing they didn't have so many. Then he goes out and
gets drunk, then drinks and drives, and then crashes into a tree and leaves the scene of the accident! Don't publish
this on your website! Widdle Gween Apples will kill me!! Anyway, been going back to church again, thought I'd
give it another try, we'll see how it works out. See you.
Yeah, I feel sorry for people like Widdle_Gween_Apples, so much hatred it'll burn her
up inside. Anyway, that's great about church, you going, I mean.
Yeah, that's a unique spin on George Bailey. Except, George never wanted his uncle to go to jail, I think he
just didn't want to go to jail himself. And as far as anyone knew, Uncle Billy really was guilty of a crime. On the other
hand, if being a dumb ass is a crime, who would be left to build and guard the jails?
I don't think there's anything to defend about Bewitched. The most anyone has ever said is that it might have
been about being gay, and maybe that being gay empowered you? Whatever. No one really cares.
And by the way, I wouldn't worry about Widdle_Gween_Apples. She hasn't even written back.
May 7, 2004
I saw your site recently. First off, you're really a f***** dope. You have on one page where you think this 'girl'
named Olivia is so 'Hot'. Hmmmm....she looks like she's around the age of 12. That's not even something to be sarcastic about.
I don't know where to start on you, bastard, but bewitched was not about gays, and It's a wonderful Life' and James Stewart
will forever be superier to your false ass any damn day. I laughed so hard at the fact that you had to make fun of almost
eveything to compensate for your low self esteem. You're such a fu*** bser, dude! What a g*** bser! You love George bush because
you're a f*** nazi repubilcan. Hope you get killed by some big urban fella who takes what you say wrong you KKK f***. Go to
hell.
I'm not sure where to start with this one. It just seems so hostile, and although her anger is directed at me,
I can't believe that I'm the cause of it.
It's just all over the place.
- First off, Olivia was 28 when this picture was taken. I think she looks a lot like Erin Gray, the babe from
the old Buck Rogers TV show.
- I never said that Bewitched was about gays. I just think it could have a lot of gay imagery in it, especially
considering that 3/4 of the cast were gay in real life. And if it was about gays, would it be any worse? (not likely it could
get worse). Anyway, I believe it was my friend Ronald who first suggested that it was about gays. And in the end I could really
care less. I'm sorry that the topic so enrages you.
- Yeah, It's A Wonderful Life was a great movie. Great! Couldn't agree more. And by the way, you mis-spelled
the word "superior".
- I do write about a great many topics but usually I avoid politics. I definitely have opinions, but I don't
like to voice them here. So I don't know where you got the idea that I liked George Bush. Except to say that since you hate
him, and you hate me, that somehow you have us linked in your subconcious?
In the end, I have to conclude that you have issues with women whom men consider "hot". I could theorize
that it's because you yourself were never considered hot. Also you seem to have issues with gays, although I'm not sure whether
it's pro-gay or anti-gay, but you're obviously offended at the suggestion that Bewitched was about gays? Is
it because you don't like gays and are offended that a show would be about them? Or do you just really really like
Bewitched? Finally, you're also very quick to throw around hateful words like "nazi" and "KKK" with absolutely
nothing to back you up.
My conclusion is, based on what I've seen, you're either an extremely angry man-hating teenage lesbian with very
little education, or you're secretly my ex-wife.
But thanks for reading! Have a great day!
April 14, 2004
Hi there. Thanks for posting my e-mail. I'm trying to be less of a
skeptic. But God has some strange people, they think they have to help Him out or He'll fail.
Thanks for the email, Gary. Don't take this the wrong way, but it seems to me your problem is not
that you don't believe in God anymore, so much as that you're just pissed off at Him for some reason. Just a general impression.
Anyway, thanks for reading! I have another couple entries I am working on now, it's just that I don't
have the time that I used to have.
March 31, 2004
I just joined the "I know my page sucks, but I don't care" webring. Take a look, it's
called "Gary's site", if anything it's probably boring. However, one visitor commented that my artwork: "sucks". Anyway, after reading
some of your stuff here I have to comment: You go to church?! I use to, but got sick of it and very disillusioned.
I use to be very idealistic, but after having lived for 45 yrs, I'm more of a skeptic. Like, just because Jessica Simpson
felt the wind blow here hair, doesn't mean God was saying: "hi." I think it was just a gust of wind, you know, meteorology?
See ya. -- Gary
Yes, Gary, I am a Christian, and I go to church and sometimes I teach Sunday School.
I like to think that my faith is strong, at least I don't base my faith on whether or not the wind blew through Jessica Simpson's
hair. But I understand where you are coming from, too. But look at it this way: If you lived in a junkyard, and all you ever
saw was lightbulbs that were busted or burned out, and because of that you told yourself "I don't know about this electricity
thing, I don't think electricity is real....if it was, all these lightbulbs would work!" Well, I'm here to tell you, electricity
is REAL, no matter how many burned-out or busted light bulbs you've come across.
December 13, 2003
Had a quick look at yr site - interesting. RE "Bewitched": I have read 1 interpretation that argues the whole show
is a metaphor for being gay - Sam is gay/magical and Darren is horrified that people will find out so forbids her to show
it. I didn't know 1 of the Tabithas was gay but somehow I doubt it manifested itself at the time. Paul Lynde, on the
other hand....
Well, I'm sure Tabitha didn't know anything abouut being gay til many years later. There were actually twins
who played Tabitha, and they were fraternal twins, until they got old enough to look completely different, then just one of
them played her. The one who wound up with the role is the one who grew up to be a total babe. The other one is the lesbian.
And Uncle Arthur, of course, made no secret of being a flaming homosexual. I don't think he could have kept that
a secret, come to think of it. But I've heard it said that it was well-known about Agnes Moorehead being a lesbian, which
is kind of weird because was she even well-known for anything before she was on that show? Am I being mean? Oh, well.
November 24, 2003
Thought you may need a visual !
Love Jen , and Kimmy
More love from my reader! For those of you who didn't get it, these are chicken bones with a
little fake voodoo doll, and they are stuck all through with thumbtacks. The modern equivalent of needles, apparently. I was
very flattered by Jen and Kimmy's efforts....and just a little bit grossed out.
November 22, 2003
hey, I just had a question for you, about Olivia? Why do you love her, love her, love her? I think you are
great "John", but don't you think thats a little shallow considering that you don't know her? What if you finally got to talk
to her and all she could say was "like-hello!" or "like-huh..?" YUCK.....Sure she is pretty, but don't you think that long
hair on woman is more feminine, I mean if we are to remain in the "male/shallow" frame of mind?
Yeah, it's probably a little shallow. But I look at her picture, and it just touches something deep within me,
something that kind of says "OH MY GOD SHE'S HOT!" And of course, if I met her and she was vapid and shallow, things would
be different. But we kind of have to ask ourselves, really and truly, would any personality trait or any personal fault, or
habit, really matter in the long run? No matter how stupid or annoying she was, would any of that make her any less hot?
Now who's shallow?
...but seriously, folks...
The only reason I know anything about her at all is because I read some stuff of hers on another site, and I
thought she was hilarious, and really smart and self-aware. And totally hot. I don't expect I'll ever meet her...and you people
all realize that not everything on this site is 100% true, right?
November 21, 2003
If your mom laughed, I've done my job. And it's always nice to be loved.
October 27, 2003
From the diary of tinky-winky:
I can tell when another day comes by the sound of the sun screaming over the horizons. Even
town, in my tubby cubby, I can feel the deceptively innocent eyes of our master bearing into my skull. I can almost hear the
clicking of the machines that record my every movement, the beating of my heart, the electrical signals coursing through my
veins. (tick...tick....the subject is awake.) Soon, the nonsense babbling that somehow I can understand. What did those monsters
do to us? I don't know how, but they have recreated me into some hideous creature out of my childhood nightmares. Not the
dripping fangs of indescribable things that polluted H.P. Lovecraft's horrific imagination, no, I am now something far worse.
I am one of those things I saw in the shadows of my room when I was four, when the shadows of nighttime in my bedroom would
make all of my stuffed animals seem to be alive and hungry and very intent on my fragile form.
But I have dallied for too long. If I sit here much longer the screaming sun will cry out
and cause a pain inside our heads to exorcise all of the demons of disobedience. We are slaves to its will in this fishbowl
world.
Tubby-toast...everyday, it's tubby-toast. Tubby-toast and tustard. What the hell is tustard,
anyway? Ah, I remember steaks. Soft, succulent, and yielding steaks. I remember holding the knife in my hand. The comforting
and powerful feel of cold, hard steel. At one time, I ate and the most spectacular restaurants, but all is memory now, and
I wonder, was it ever real?
It must be. I keep hold of what I once was.
I look at Po's vacant eyes. It is said he was the first among us prisoners. He was here when
we could still speak the language of our fathers, but somehow, he had found a way to escape this house of horrors, and the
sun punished us by taking our language away. How they did this, who can tell? I am no scientist, and all the others are too
busy trying to forget what they were so they can go on with what little life they have. They are probably too scared to mention
anything of that time. I have tried to get it out of them, but all I can get is that even though they took our speech from
us, the beasts that have trapped us here decided this was not enough for Po.
We call him Po because that is all he says when he is close to lucidity. Po. Po. Po. Always
in that deep, sonorous voice that sounds like a funeral dirge. When his attacks come, he babbles in such a way that it is
even alien to the new language given to us, but every now and then, I can understand something. My ears tell me that it is
nonsense, but my mind hears, "good blood, pretty blood, hear the screams, music screams, make me scream, cut, cut, cut...,"
and it continues, ad nauseum, for hours at a time.
I scoop up the tustard with my ration of tubby-toast, since we are not allowed anything like
a tool, ever so carefully, so as to not spill a drop, for if I do, the Noo-Noo appears.
The Noo-Noo, what sick mind comes up with the idea for a sentient vacuum cleaner? Mustn't
make a mess, otherwise no tubby-toast for you today.
After our feeding, (so much like the slopping of pigs), the speakers rise out of the ground,
"Time to play. Time to play." They talk to us in our native tongue. It is though our wardens are saying to us, "You had this
once, and we took it from you, and we can take so much more."
The one known to us as Na-La, she gets up like a marionette and dances. She always dances.
When she dances I can see her mind go someplace else, for it is the only time it doesn't look as though tears are about to
leap out of her eyes. I know they would, if they let us cry here.
At least, I think she is a she, who knows with these new bodies given to us? I remember being
a man, but they play tricks to your mind here. They want me to forget even that, and force me to carry this purse. You know
there is nothing inside? I looked. Nothing I can see, but I did make the mistake of putting my now formless hand...if you
can call it a hand, inside. It felt as though this felt-like skin of mine was burning, like the flesh was being flayed from
my skin, like fat being rendered.
That is all that is inside anything here. Pain. Pain and fire.
Who knows how many there has been before. Who knows how long this has gone on?
And all the while, the sun looks down.
Not that it matters, really, but is Tinky-Winky the gay one? I guess if you accept the
premise of this email (that normal people are kidnapped and forced to live as Teletubbies in a kind of kiddy-gulag),
then this email is just disturbing. The truth is that it was written by my friend James, who works the third shift. There's
not much else to do on the third shift.
February 28, 2003
Hey, I was just browsing
the net when I stumbled upon your site...you really need to find a different hobby. If you don't understand certain music, don't listen to it and don't let it bother you so much. Some music was wrote not to make sense, and sometimes it doesn't
have to. Don't get offended or anything, it's just one person's opinion, but.....
Well, I do have one other hobby. It involves ridiculing people who write me emails.
So if songs aren't supposed to mean anything why do they even have words? I just expect
more from people. I want answers. I want order in my universe. I want a sandwich....
January 23, 2003
I am very insulted by your comment that suggests that liking Barry Manilow is wrong or disgusting! It's hard to go into the world when everyone is againt me
because of my love for good old Barry. Why is it a crime? Why must you encourage the hate?
Lola Montre
Well, thank you, Lola, for reading my site. And I do like Barry Manilow, in the same
way that I like to stop and look at traffic accidents. I don't want to, I just can't help it. So you're not alone. Although
"love" is always a strong word. And if you want to comment further, check out my new Forums!!!
November 22, 2002
Hi,
I love your site,
I haven't stopped laughing for hours. But, I feel I must correct a mistake. In one of your pages, you note, "Why do they call them three musketeers who fought with swords and lived WAY before anyone invented a musket?"
Firearms
were in use, especially for military/government purposes, by the end of the 15th century and were widespread by the early
17th century, which is when The Three Musketeers took place.
However, I will grant you that it is incredibly stupid
for them to be called musketeers when there was never once mention in the book of any of them even being in the same room
as a musket, let alone using them in an official capacity.
And, have you ever wondered why it's called The Three Musketeers,
when there were, in actuality, four of them? D'Artagnan got the shaft by being left out, I feel.
Regards,
Micha
Roberts
This is a totally cool email! Well, while I don't know when muskets were invented or
when The Three Musketeers was set, I do know that it was written by Dumas (and also that his name is not pronounced
DUMB ASS), which is enough to make me sound half-intelligent. But I think its totally cool that someone who knows these things
is reading my site, just so I know that all my readers are not toothless derelicts.
Anyway, Micah, thank you for your input, and keep reading.
October 9, 2002
Thank you for the coloring picture. I was bored and so I colored it in.
Thank you for the picture. I hadn't envisioned someone actually coloring it with crayons. I also hadn't considered
that Hitler might be a brown bunny, as a Nazi rabbit would probably have considered them genetically inferior to the white
rabbits. I mean the white rabbits are the ones who are more civilized and live in homes and everyone thinks they're so cute,
and the brown ones are the wild buck rabbits that scratch in the dirt eating garbage and causing trouble and using up
valuable resources that could be better used for the more genetically desirable white rabbits. Or anyway that's what a Nazi
rabbit would think.
I'm guessing.
Really.
October 7, 2002
Hi, I was just reading your website. Can you tell me the year that Reba McIntyre recorded "That's the Night that
the Lights went out in Georgia" for the 2nd time? First time was 1973. Where can I find out the year of the second
recording?
Thanks
m
Well, m, first of all, thank you for your email. I did a little research when I received it, and I found
out some things that some people might find interesting. Did you know that the guy who wrote "The Night The Lights Went Out
In Georgia" was married to Vicki Lawrence? And that he offered the song to Sonny and Cher but that Sonny turned it down because
he thought that some listeners here in the South might find it offensive? This despite the fact that most folks at the time
found Sonny Bono offensive. Anyway, after I waded through all that, I found several links to some movie with Kristy McNichol
that had the same title. I might watch that one someday, right before I claw my eyes out. And so rather than wade through
any more of that, I did a cross-search on the word "Reba" (since I can't spell her last name) and the very first link said
that it was on her 1992 album entitled "For My Broken Heart". Which, all told, is way more than I ever wanted to know about
Vicki Lawrence, Sonny & Cher, Kristy McNichol or Reba, and please don't take this as a blanket endorsement of any of these
things, WB sitcoms, or country music in general. And thank you for reading.
September 21, 2002
Dear Mr Doolittle,
For whatever reason, I have been in the Christmas Spirit (mind you it's September).
I have decorated my house: Green and Red garlands, lights, a christmas tree with all the globes and handmade decorations.
I even have one of those plastic light up snowmen in my yard, too! My friends and family think I'm crazy (They've told
me so, I'm not being paranoid!) but... forget them! I'm not crazy, I just like Christmas, by golly! Ok,
ok.... What I was going to ask you before I went off on that was: Do you know of any good christmas movies?
What is your favorite one? Also, I was wondering if you knew anything about mind control. I wanted to completely
convince everyone that it really is Christmas so we can celebrate it more and earlier. I'm going to pick up a few books
from the library today on hypnosis. Can you suggest any?
With best regards,
an Avid Reader
Well, as for Christmas movies, I have to say that my favorite one ever was the original Lethal Weapon.
In fact, I can't hear "Jingle Bell Rock" without thinking of that opening scene where the porn star jumps out a window, and
it touches me. And at the end they leave a note for the drug-dealer guy on the Christmas tree right before they crash
through the wall and then Mel Gibson fights Gary Busey on the front yard. It's all about giving and helping and family, like
when Danny Glover rescues his daughter from that crazy army colonel guy. In fact, I think Lethal Weapon could be
as popular a Christmas movie as It's A Wonderful Life. Except they use the F-Word so much, and in It's A Wonderful
Life Jimmy Stewart didn't kill anyone. Although I've always thought he should have tipped over Potter's wheelchair and
just kicked the crap out of him.
As for mind control, unfortunately I can't help you. But I think you're the same person who emailed me about
your cat taking over the world, so maybe you could get some tips there. On the other hand, for many years people have been
celebrating Christmas earlier and earlier, and it almost doesn't even seem unreasonable to be celebrating in September. So
the good news is it may not even be necessary to hypnotize anyone. On the other hand (for those keeping count, that's three
hands), the satan worshippers who run the media seem to be making a bigger deal out of Halloween every year, so there may
be nothing you can do until November. Anyway, good luck and thanks for reading!
September 20, 2002
Email #1
I was going to ask what I could do about the cats trying to over run my house
and send me special telepathic messages, trying to control my brain, and in turn have me control other people and those people
controling other people and so on until the whole world is at the will of the cats in my house and cats everywhere.
But
I decided not to ask that.
Thank you.
Email #2
What if I were completely different than how I am now? What if I were some tattoo
covered, leather-armored, spitting, "ain't" using motorcycle mama? Would I still talk to the same people? Maybe
online I would, because they wouldn't see that I'm some crazy motorcycle chick, but I bet the people I normally talk to now
wouldn't talk to me because they'd either be 1. Intimidated or 2. Think I must be stupid, and laugh at me when they
see me pass. Probably the second one, but I guess it depends on the person. Like, if they were a motorcycle person,
they probably wouldn't be intimidated, unless they weren't really into motorcycles, but they were sent in by a group of anti-fuel-guzzling
people and was afraid they'd be found out and beaten by some bad-ass motorcycle gang. If they were really insecure,
or just stupid, they'd call me a poser because nobody could possibly be into motocycles as much as they are and therefore,
anybody else who likes them couldn't really like them, but they're just pretending and now I'm not sure where I was headed
with this.
Oh well.
I am beginning to wonder, really, if there's not some kind of contest going
on that I don't know about.
But on the subject: Since I don't know you, I don't think it would affect
me one way or the other if you were a motorcycle chick and, for all I know, you really are. But it kind of reminds me of that
biker episode of Law & Order where Rey has to go on the internet and track down these outlaw bikers and Jack
McCoy prosecutes the dead guy's girlfriend for setting him up to get killed by bikers, because this rich kid was dating this
poor girl and the rich kid's dad offered him money to break up with her but he wouldn't, but the poor girl found out about
it and thought he was going to leave her for money (even though he wasn't) and set him up to get killed by bikers. It sounds
complicated but remember the episode was an hour. Anyway it reminds me of this because there was bikers and email. Kind of
like what you were talking about. Or at least as much as what you were talking about had to do with anything I've ever posted
on this website. Anyway thanks for writing and I hope this helps in some small way.
September 14, 2002
What if people had to either be out at night or out during the day and if they went out when
they weren't supposed to they'd fry up into little smoldering balls of bone? Would they have separate societies and
live in seperate places, or would they all live together and just come out at different times? Maybe if they did
have different societies they'd be COMPLETELY different musically, and what they look like, and what they value. Then,
what if one day two came apart from each group and started to make children, and others followed and they had a whole race
of people that had a night and day gene? Would they be able to go out both times of day or would they be trapped
inside forever, never being able to know what it's like to be outside because if they did they'd die a horrible, painful death?
Maybe if one of the parents was 75% dark and the other was 50% light, they'd be able to go out during the day, but they'd
get a headache or something from it. Or smelly feet.
If there were two separate races of human that were
able to go out at different times, maybe everything else would be like that, too. Like certain metals would corrode
in sunlight and various animals would be like vampires and suck the blood of the people living during the night. But
I don't know what vampires have to do with this. What if vampires were real, but they were *extremely* stupid and tried
to feed on things that had no blood. They'd be common knowledge, the butt of everyone's jokes, and made fun of by people
like Conan O'Brien.
I bet Carson Daily is a vampire. He's stupid enough to be.
So all *really*
stupid people are vampires. How would they stay around long if they were that stupid? I mean, how could they make
more vampires? Maybe they just magically appear. That would explain everything.
When I read this later
I'll think I was being a complete idiot, which I probably am, but oh well.
Well. I don't think you're a complete idiot, whoever you are, and I think you bring
up some good points. You've obviously given this a lot of thought, and the only thing I'm left wondering is, what does your
psychiatrist have to say about all this? At any rate, it all does seem to make sense, except that I have no opinion on
Carson Daly because I've never actually seen him do anything, except I do know that at one point he was engaged to Tara Reid
and for whatever reason he is no longer with her, and that alone qualifies him as a major dorkwad as far as I'm concerned.
I don't believe in vampires, either, but I do believe that people who paint their skin white and walk around talking
about death and thinking that they are actually vampires are really lame and stupid. If you are one of those people, I apologize.
Not for having offended you, but because I just feel bad that you are. Anyway, this was an excellent excellent email, so thank
you and keep reading.
September 7, 2002
I'm sitting here listening to old sad songs, some of them written before I was even born, and I am in a quiet, reflective
mood. I'm wondering about the people who wrote these songs and what their lives must have been like, but mostly I am thinking
of the happier and gentlear times of my own childhood. Those times are gone forever now like a balloon that someone has let
go and watched it float away in a clear blue sky. Do you ever wonder about these things, John?
Yes, sometimes I wonder why people I don't even know send me these long rambling emails talking about the deeper
meanings of life. But sometimes I watch the end of Lethal Weapon II over and over, like when Mel Gibson gets stabbed in the
leg by that South African guy with the REALLY blonde hair, and then winds up dropping a whole tractor trailer on him, and
sometimes I wonder if that South African guy had hopes and dreams like I do. But mostly I'm glad he dies. And I thought the
girl who played Reanne in all 4 of those movies was really cute but that she looked way better with long hair. When I think
about it at all, I mean. But anyway thank you for the email and I hope I've been of some help to you.
September 4, 2002
Email #1:
I had a dream today, it was really very odd. We were in this futuristic hotel
in one part, at this city on a lake watching some guy cook a moose head that had feathers all over it, I was running alongside
one of two cop cars that were chasing this woman and I was trying to get down this hill or something, I was at a party
you were having at your house and you didn't know if these glass and plastic bottles should be recycled or not, i was also
at this house where dolphins lived (like in the "yard" as pets). Now that I think back it was really quite interesting.
The whole time when I was walking it was like there was so little gravity it took me forever to get anywhere.
At first I thought this email was sent to me by mistake. But I thought I would post it
anyway. I found it interesting that this person I don't even know would have a dream about me, not knowing what I look like
or where I live or even what my real name is. And maybe emails like this are exactly the reason I don't include any personal
information on this site....
Email #2:
Everyone in the band is such a hottie. Well, except for Reggie. That boxed-head
thing really doesn't do it for me. I can't wait for the reunion tour. Of course I'll be the first in line
for tickets. I want to be their groupie. Maybe I could turn into a groupie/stalker chick
and follow them around wherever they go. I might get sent to jail, but hey, maybe it could be a Puetro Rican jail and
I could spend some time with Olaf. Or maybe not. I'm not sure. Pipe dreams. I like the
Wake the Dead cd cover the most.
Well, thank you for your comments! You do know that the band is just made up, right? But anyway, Reggie's
head really isn't that square. This isn't a photgraph, it was a portrait we had done.
August 20, 2002
hi john. wow! i was reading in your random thoughts website last night late and i gotta say i b impressed. i put it on
my yahoo profile as a cool link. you ought to be writing a syndicated column for a major newspaper or magazine. or putting
them into a book. i mean it. you have some insight and a perspective on things that is fascinating and very insightful. plus
you write it well. i read tons of stuff cause i'm a reading junky, and i think you have a lot of really good stuff there.
Thank you! Yes, I know I should be writing a column for a major newspaper or magazine, but that would require
that someone recognize my talent, and that I have any ambition at all. Plus, it would be too much like work. But thank you
for the really great email!
Anyone else who feels the need to praise me, please feel free....
June 7, 2002
I just watched Little Women and I am left feeling very ripped off as I always do when I watch
that movie. I always hate that Jo doesn't end up with Laurie. I watch and think that
things will change maybe the movie will end the way I want it to....you know what? It NEVER does. I don't watch movies to
see what real life is like. I want the fairy tale. I want the perfect ending. It seems like the perfect ending with the exception
of Beth's death. I mean Amy gets to marry money...in Laurie. Meg marries a man that she love's even if he is poor. And
it is implied that Jo will marry an educated man, who loves her for who she is. TOO PRACTICAL. I want Jo and Laurie to be
together...who gives a crap about the rest of them. Anyway as you can see I feel very ripped off right now. So maybe there
is something in your writing that I can't see for my own cynical view. I'm in a funk in case you couldn't tell
Yes I agree that the ending to that movie does totally suck, although I suspect it is
for a much different reason than you. I think it sucks because it doesn't turn out that they were robots from the future sent
back to alter the course of history. I only saw it once, though, and I was doing something else while it was on. I don't remember
what. But when I hear "Little Women", I always think of that scene in Arthur where he asks Susan to marry him and
she says "A real woman could make you stop drinking" and he says "She'd have to be a real big woman!" which totally makes
me crack up every time I see it. So if the ending to Little Women had even been more like the ending to Arthur,
where the big rich guy tries to stab him with a cheese knife, I would have thought that was an improvement. But I suspect
that's not exactly what you were talking about.
Anyway, thank you for writing, and I hope I've helped put some of this in perspective.
May 31, 2002
I was wondering how many email letters you get from people who read your site and think that
you are clever but happen to think that they are more clever and try to outwit you in their email. I would imagine that
you visualize this person as someone with buck teeth and no social life and simply think to yourself, "DUMB ASS!" I mean,
you have the website and the power to post what you want with what ever slant you want. Not only are they probably not as
witty as you but obviously are not wise either. Of course, I am going on an assumption that you even get letters like
this.
Snickering all the time.
Actually, I guess I should address this now: I really do love to get feedback, even if someone disagrees with me or even
hates what I have to say. I don't get all sensitive and feel like I have to attack anyone. I take very little of this seriously
anyway, and most of it I'm just making up as I go. So while a lot of my responses may seem to be adversarial, I'm really just
screwing around. I assume everyone else is too. Like when I call Trekkies geeks; I'm the one who memorizes all the episode
titles and quote Klingons all the time. It's all just good fun. And remember my wisdom: "People are idiots. Don't laugh. You're
probably an idiot too". So, yeah. And thanks for reading.
May 4, 2002
I have turned on my whole web group here at work to your site. They read it
out loud all day and crack up!!! They now just yell out dates and everybody goes to it and starts laughing together. Sometimes
they read it out loud to each other. They want you to write our thought for the day on the company intranet.
My influence is spreading....
May 3, 2002
Hi...
I just wanted to say that I loved your site.
It kept me entertained for an entire day (yesterday, if you wish to know) while I was home sick. Of course, it entertains me other times as well, and often earns me odd looks from
those who are in the room with me as I laugh out loud at some of your essays. The humorous ones, I mean.
In addition
to entertaining me, your site has truly changed my life. It has altered the way I look at so many things...well, not really,
but I did think about how sad it would be to be Aquaman and to have no one like you, even after you save the world and all that. So yes, thanks for giving me food for thought and
for ... changing my perspective on something.
Before I humiliate myself any more, I am going to go. I leave you with
this parting message...you have a cool site. Therefore, you have a cool mind. Rather like mine, I would like to think.
--a fan
Wow, thanks! Now, see, this is the kind of email I like to get. Nothing
but praise and adulation. And all in the universe is in order.
February 8, 2002
I LOVE the Benadryl picture...that i think was the best so far of all your pictures. I read the whole article and i have one question, that you can add
in there if you want: Lex Luther is human, and lives on Earth...how come he has this access to unlimited amounts of Kryptonite
when ever he pleases?....Maybe I missed some secret connection he has with Supermans arch enemy, who happens to have alot
of Kryptonite...but if so, why would Supermans enemy waste time on a human to kill superman?
If I understand your question correctly, the answer is quite simple.
Lex is a bajillionaire. Most folks could care less whether or not Superman gets killed, but they do like money, so if they
find Kryptonite they know the one guy they can sell it to. Anyway that's my understanding.
January 30, 2002
Ok I know I am so behind and that some of this may have been said
already but here goes...
December 29, 2001
The line from TLC's Waterfalls that you refer to is only half stated
in your...well statment
The line is not just "Don't go chasing waterfalls" It goes on to say "Please stick to the
rivers and the lakes that you're used to" Meaning don't follow the waterfall. Now I know that you are going to say that the
waterfall is stationary and that once you start to "chase" it you are then just following a stream or river or whatever but
I am just saying that that is what was said in the song and the song is very good
I'm allowing you to express your views here because it's a free country
(even though by your email address I see you are from Canada, and I don't know that ya'll say that up there, or if Canada
even is a free country). Anyway, for the record, I have a wildly different opinion.
Oh also about Tom Hanks I think the character that would kick ass
is is not Forrest but the drunk coach from A League of There Own. He just seems like a real hard ass.
I hadn't really thought about that. It may be that you're right. It
may also be that he just seemed tough when he stood around with Rosie O'Donnell and Lori Petty and that really tall one I
can't remember the name of. While we're on the subject, the guy from "Saving Private Ryan" would definitely be in there.
I have seen Chicken soup for the soul. It's on the womens channel on the dich and I have watched it once for about 2.2 seconds. I saw the "wonderful" acting and
turned the channel as fast as my little finger would take me away from the crappy acting. Just thought I would let you know
so that you didn't feel so alone.
Thank you. Most of the time I feel like a blind orphan wandering in
the darkness of my soul, but no more.
January 23, 2002
This is the coolest email ever! This guy interpreted my dream from December 23, 2002. Well, it's cool to me anyway...
Hey! I love your site. I have visited a few times and I think it
is funny and way too true. You should write a book or something!
But anyway I was catching up on your postings and
I noticed the dream you had. You said you would welcome any interpretations. Well im a psych major an I love doin' this stuff,
so here it goes. This by the way is entirely just a guess, and is in no way meant as an offence.
The first part of
your dream..
Filming movie as an extra= Something important in your life that is big ang bugging you, an issue or
problem of some sort maybe that needs to be dealt with. (Christmas heh heh)
The mud and stink= that issue could be
shady and hidden, maybe emotional or even a physical prop.
grossing you out= means you on some level dont want to
deal with it but you know its there and people around you do as well and possibly are trying to get you to accept it, or open
up about it.
the cabin= a vacation or escape
flying=you wanting to get away
your friends= you want
to hang out and relax, worry free
you being better at flying= You wanting to suceed at something that is a major issue
in your life at the moment, possibly the same issue that is shady and or unknown...like the mud
wife flying off somewhere=
If your wife was extreamly noticable in this part it could mean that she is a part of the issue or needs to be involved to
help you through it.
her flying away = you feel like there is distance between you when the issue comes up, possibly
a consequence of held back emotions?
((NOTE FROM ME: It wasn't my wife, it was my friend's wife, who I like
ok and all but am not all that close to...at least not enough to be dreaming about her!))
teaching friend to fly, the attack of the japanese= you have a disire
to help others that are close to you but things tend to go south (the attack) when you try.
the lake, south africans=
the want for a vacation but the conscience sugestion that the issue/problem is not ecsapable and would make a vacation pointless.,
or even that you just want rest but cant get it because of this problem.
strange meat= Could mean that you are unsure
about what is going on around you or in something you are involved in. Insecurities about money or buisness deals, even family.
Meat and eating meat is a symbol of prosperity. Strange meat could mean that you are unsure about future prosperity. Maybe
your job is in question or changes in living situation... something like that. Also friends laughing at your questioning could
mean that you see them not having the same feelings/doubts about that area of their life.
telling africans you are
priests= A want/need to hide the problem/issue thing.
It being dark, going to houses and scared= This could be you
knowing it is hidden but unsure what might "give you away" or what direction that might come from, or exactly how you should
deal with it.
Waking up and telling dream to friend= could mean you want to identify with people close to you, grasping
to something farmilliar and safe.
But anyway that is what I got on my first impression. Its just an opinion and I
am prolly way off. But hey that was fun hehehe. I hope I didnt make you mad er annoyed or anything, cuz sometimes when I do
this it makes people mad and thats not what I mean to do at all. ok shuting up now before I finish making an ass of myself!
Your Fan,
Jay
Wow! Ok, so basically, you think I have problems, huh? That's cool.
I know I do!!! Thanks for the free interpretation, Jay. Check out my other dreams and see if I'm as screwed up as all that.
November 28, 2001
The whole point of my email about ABBA songs was to tell you that I have favorite ABBA songs even though I am 24 years old.
Sorry, I didn't get that. Well, my point about ABBA is not that young
folks can't HAVE favorite ABBA songs, but that the ones who DON'T have them are too young to remember them. Kids today........
November 27, 2001
while i agree with your entry of July 4, i also think maybe you don't
understand the people who really do SI (self-injure). i also don't understand why kids cut themselves with razor blades and
find it cool to compare cuts and scars or any of the other things they do these days. and being a parent myself, that worries
me. but i talk to my kid...i hope i'm doing the best job i can of raising him.
true self-injury comes from a deep inner
pain..usually caused by years of abuse and neglect. most people who SI are sexually abused...and have very low self-esteem
and self-confidence. there are several forms of SI, including cutting, burning, head banging, pinching, hair pulling, etc.
it makes no sense ~ to anyone who hasn't been abused but it isn't the same as the kids who do it for attention or whatever.
if you do ever get a serious answer as to why people cut themself for attention, i'd like to hear it. personally, i don' t
think there is a serious answer. i thought your entry was very good actually. kids need to find something to do that has meaning
and be able to express themselves. but self-injury is just not a game. not at all.
Well, thanks for responding. I admit I don't understand it, that was
the whole point of my July 4 entry. I don't mean to offend anyone. Just someone explain it to me.
But looking at it
now, I think I talked less about any actual disorder than I did about how people explain away behavior by making up names
for stuff, like ADD, and then coming up with ways to treat it.
November 26, 2001
Hey I love the site!
It sounds like some of the crap I think
about. Which
isn't crap, its rational but no one else ever thinks
of it.
For example I have often thought
about the way people
see colors. I mean what if everyone sees them
differently, and I mean completely different. Say
what I see as red you see as green but we were both
taught that is was orange. Something like that is
possible
because if you are taught that from the very
point that you start to learn your colors you dont
know them ahead of
time so if someone tells you thats
what they are then thats how you learn it. So if you
looked at something I call
blue and you saw green but
your mom taught you it was blue then you would see all
the green as blue, so the sky could
be green to you
and be a perfectly normal thing and no one would know
because you think its called blue.
ok
that one is one of the more hard to follow ones.
But anyway I really like your site and the thing about
the alka seltzer,
I saw one for hangovers on tv the
other day haha. Anyway good job i love it keep it up
n all that!
Your friend,
Roach
Ok, so let me get this straight: I see blue, you see red, and you're
taught to call it green and I'm taught to call it yellow, so when someone says "blue" we all see something different?
I've
wondered that myself.
Thank you for writing, Roach. Keep in touch!
November 20, 2001
Here is an email commenting on my thoughts about ABBA songs. Well, not commenting so much as just giving me some more ABBA songs to like. At least they didn't say "Dancing Queen".
I for one love ABBA! Just for the record I can't tell you one favorite
ABBA song...
I can how ever tell you that I love:
The winner takes it all
Fernando
Knowing me knowing
you
and another one that I can't think of at this time...but I will let you know...
November 10, 2001
This is a link to a web site someone emailed me that reviews other web
sites. I got a really good review! Mine is second on this page, which means it's two up from the very bottom, but the link
here should take you right to it.
By the way, the print on this site is TINY! I mean, it's like microfilm
subtitles. So wear your glasses.
October 4, 2001
Once in a while I receive an email from someone saying "Your site rules!!!"
or something like that, which is totally cool! But no one ever sends anything specific like "I hate what you said about Bigfoot"
or whatever (well, except the one woman who commented on my thoughts about pornography, which was cool). And most of them
are really vague so I don't put them here. I don't let it go to my head, because if someone hates the site I don't think they're
going to stick with it long enough to get into specifics, and they're not going to take the time to email me either. But today
I got what I consider my first real "fan" email, so I am posting it here because it was so totally cool!
I just thought i would drop you a line and compliment you on your
web site. It has got to be the most entertaining and interesting site I have ever come across.
Your "thoughts"as you call
them are hilarious and in many cases, absolutely right.You are a very talented writer, you should think about submitting these
writings somewhere (i have no idea where you would submit them, haha) but they deserve some recongition, i think.
I was
reading some of them outloud to my boyfriend last night, and we ended up staying up half the night...before we realized it,
it was 3 am, and we were still devouring every word you had to say.
Keep up the great work. You are a very talented writer,
and thinker as well.
One of your fans
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