Pocketful of Kryptonite

Superman supposedly has all these superhero friends, and several of them are billionaires in their secret identities. Like, the Green Lantern can use his power ring to do just about anything, and the Flash can run around the world and catch a bullet fired from one side of a thatch hut in China before it hit a guy standing in the front door.

And yet, despite his powerful and influential friends, there's this Kryptonite. It's everywhere. There's even a robot guy named Metallo whose robot-heart is made of Kryptonite. And every other day Lex Luthor or some other insane genius uses it to make a ray gun.

Now, I know that in reality it would be impossible to track down every single piece of anything. But in reality, it would also be impossible for a guy to fly and lift cars. Plus, this is a green rock that glows. Plus, with all the scientists, aliens, mutants, sorcerers, and multi-billionaires he knows. You'd think someone would at least have attempted to find all the kryptonite on earth and hurl it into the sun, or at least develop some kind of Super-Benadryl so that Kryptonite didn't kill him. It's not like there aren't any super-animals to experiment on, either; there was a dog, a cat, a monkey, and a horse last I checked, all of which I would consider expendable to save the life of a guy who routinely fights off alien invasions single-handedly, regardless of how I felt about animal experimentation.

(Note: Yes, I know how unlikely it is that someone would find a genie in a bottle or an alien wish-granting device, but it's no less likely than one single scientist on a planetful of scientists figuring out that his planet was about to blow up, and despite having the ability to design and build his own interstellar spacecraft, completely lacks the ability to persuade even one other person that they're about to die...)

ANYWAY....

I guess what they say about friends being hard to find is true. Even Super-Friends.

Sure, when California is about to fall into the ocean, they're all "Help us, Superman!" and when Titano the Super-Ape is on the rampage they're like "Superman, where are you, Superman?" It's always something.

Help us.

Save us.

Reverse the rotation of the earth and defy the laws of physics.

But do any of them bother to help when Superman needs it? Maybe they give him the key to the city every so often, but so what? It's not like it's a real key or anything, or like it entitles him to go anywhere or do whatever he wants in the city. Like he couldn't do that anyway.

You know how some people think they're better than everyone else? Like the rich kids, or the football stars, or the really good-looking people? The problem with being Superman I would think is that he really is better than everyone else. What does he need friends for? Except for the Kryptonite thing, I mean. And where is everyone? I mean, sure, they'll at least pick up the odd piece here and there, if they happen to find it next to Superman and he's gasping his last breath and begging for them to either move it out of the way or kill him like a pig in hell to end his hellish torment. But no one bothers to be pro-active about it, or offer to find a cure.

If I was a preacher, I would use this as an object lesson in my sermon.

Is there Kryptonite in your life? What are your friends doing about it?

But without going into all the reasons why I would be a horrible preacher and what a scary thought that even is, let me just say that the reason his friends haven't helped him with this particular problem is because people are selfish bastards. Especially all these superheroes, with their tight pants and fancy cars and secret hideouts. Sure, they'll kick some mugger's ass, but that's just so they can be all "Mr. Hot-Shot Superhero". But when it comes to helping someone who's better than they are, they can't be bothered. Secretly, I think they want Superman to die.

From The Mailbag (Feb 8):

I LOVE the Benadryl picture...that i think was the best so far of all your pictures. I read the whole article and i have one question, that you can add in there if you want: Lex Luther is human, and lives on Earth...how come he has this access to unlimited amounts of Kryptonite when ever he pleases? ....Maybe I missed some secret connection he has with Supermans arch enemy, who happens to have alot of Kryptonite...but if so, why would Supermans enemy waste time on a human to kill superman?

If I understand your question correctly, the answer is quite simple. Lex is a bajillionaire. Most folks could care less whether or not Superman gets killed, but they do like money, so if they find Kryptonite they know the one guy they can sell it to. Anyway that's my understanding.

Surprises On TV

I watched two TV shows this week that didn't turn out like I thought they were going to turn out.

The first one was "Law & Order". I was particularly surprised by this because I hardly even like "Law & Order" anymore. But you know how someone might start drinking, and they really really like it, and it feels good, and so they start drinking more and more, and then they're missing work and they're hung over all the time, and then they start smelling really bad and they get bleeding ulcers but they just keep drinking and drinking long after they've stopped enjoying it even the slightest bit, just because they're so used to it that it's too painful to stop? That's how I am with "Law & Order".

Anyway, this episode of "Law & Order" had a lot more character development than they usually have, which is to say that they had any at all. This is not so much a complaint about the characters, really, because this show isn't about the characters: It's about the stories. But I haven't liked the new DA since she came on a year ago, and I haven't liked the new Assistant either, except that she's a babe. So I wouldn't have expected to like an episode that focused on those two characters, but I totally did.

When you think about it, the fact that this show is a hit is kind of surprising. I mean, it's not like the standard soap-opera kind of drama. It's even more surprising that this show has been on for like 15 years. They pretty much have a standard plot where the cops investigate, the lawyers prosecute, and then it's over. But this week one of the new, uninteresting lawyers got involved in the case and it took a lot of unexpected turns. It was awesome.

The other show that surprised me this week was "Touched By An Angel". Here are the many ways in which I was surprised:

1) I'm surprised this show is even still on anymore,

2) I'm surprised I watched it,

3) Valerie Bertinelli is on this show now? Weird. Double surprise is that I read somewhere just this week that she's 41 years old now. That means that I'm over 30.

4) OK, here's the plot (from what I could gather because I was switching back and forth between this and "America's Most Wanted", because I kind of feel its my civic duty to watch "America's Most Wanted" and anyway it's kind of a dream of mine to get to turn in a friend or family member to the FBI):

There's an office of women going out to a single's bar. A pretty blonde is all hung up on some guy named Jeff. A UPS delivery guy named Billy likes the pretty blonde. Jeff dumps the pretty blonde (or something like that, anyway she winds up crying). Billy is sitting at the bar trying to work up the nerve to go talk to the blonde, and Andrew is trying to encourage him. This must be foreshadowing because I've seen this show enough to know that Andrew is the "Angel of Death" and as such is totally the last guy you ever want to be taking relationship advice from, but of course Billy doesn't know this. He goes and talks to her. The next day at the office, Billy doesn't show up to make his normal delivery. The blonde thinks it's because he doesn't like her (because apparently the universe revolves around her) but it's not. Surprise! Billy's dead!

Now if the show ended here, the moral would probably be "Life sucks, get over it." But you know that's not going to happen here (it woudn't even happen on "America's Most Wanted", either: They'd be all over that drunk driver that killed poor Billy). I totally expected the angels to hook her up with some new guy, maybe some bookworm that we haven't seen before or something. Instead, Monica tells her to stop worrying so much about finding the perfect man, and start trying to be the perfect woman. And so the pretty blonde starts volunteering at a retirement home. I thought that was a cool ending, and not at all the romantic "There's someone for everyone" crap I was expecting.

OK, not a surprise, just an observation: Why are there so many angels on this show? I understand having a guest start angel every once in a while, but they have like five or six regular cast members. Does it really take that many angels to teach one person a simple lesson? On "Highway To Heaven", Michael Landon used to do the same thing all by himself every week. This show is more like "The A-Team". Except instead of a crack squad of commandoes, these are women aging badly.