Dreams

August 18, 2002

Today I had a dream that I went up this big hill and there was this school there that I used to go to, only I was much younger and there were these older women putting up these windows and they were asking me how I was doing, and all the students were walking around aimlessly looking sad and the women told me that all the students with backpacks were gay.

Then I had another short dream that I was working on this website and I couldn't remember my dreams.

August 7, 2002

Our Town

I was at a revival at a church and I left to walk home with my brother and this Italian kid who grew up a few doors down from us. We walked by a house that used to be owned by Julia Roberts, only I kept calling her Gillian Stewart.

The story about the house was that a young girl had been kidnapped there because robbers had once tried to burglarize the house and the girl was there and not supposed to have been there. We saw the girl come out of the house and she was talking about it to some people and I could kind of see it happening, too.

There was a stream running by her house and it had a big green-blue beetle in it that had this main section as big as a basketball, and it was swimming and flapping its wings.

Then we walked by Kate Mulgrew's house. I know because she was just walking inside. She had on a checkered business suit. She gave us a dirty look because I was singing really loud "Open Arms" by Journey. Then a lady came out of the house who we knew because she was the mother of some other friends of ours who were twins. She had a reputation as being really tough on her kids, but really her kids were all tough on her. And anyway she was always nice to me. She told me Kate Mulgrew's baby was asleep so I should shut up.

There was another house that had a side-door on it and the small door was all lit up. My friend said it was a door for the dog. I asked him if a burglar could get in and he said he could but that the dog would eat him.

I wound up in a stairwell, by myself, with this blonde woman. She was the same woman who was a police officer in my last dream, only I've never seen her before in real life. I was telling her what happened and she asked me to sing "Open Arms" so I did an then I started crying. I mean, like blubbering and slobbering and it was a mess. And then she hugged me and said everything was going to be ok. I asked her who she was and she said her name was Gillian Stewart.

August 4, 2002

The female cop

In this dream I got pulled over by a lady cop for having an expired tag. I showed her my paperwork though and it was all in order, it was just that the county registration thing had a different date on it than the thing they sent me. She took me in her car, only it was a big 18-wheeler. She was wearing like regular clothes, like a denim skirt and lipstick and she looked kind of country. The road we were going down was flooded but she went around it. She took me to a concert in the park, and the band was called Mile Long Clothesline.

July 3, 2002

Soap Opera

This dream was kind of like a soap opera with a bunch of people I never met. In this dream I was visiting California and staying with this family I don't know in real life, it was a guy and his wife and two daughters who were in their like early 20s. The dad didn't like me; the younger daughter kept trying to get the dad to like me; and the older daughter liked me ok but was real concerned that the younger daughter seemed to like me so much.

They served dinner and there was like this expandable robot arm that came out of the wall to dish out spaghetti. They had a very small house and there were a lot of things in it that seemed familiar to me, like this little white sink and a tiny little room where the younger daughter watched TV and worked on the computer.

The dad and the mom went downstairs and I don't know where the younger daughter was, but the older daughter was sitting in this big recliner asking me about advice about her boyfriend, which was weird because I wound up kind of having the same conversation with her that I had in real life with a girl at my work just the day before. And then everyone came upstairs and we were fixing to leave and the dad smiled at me like I was in on some joke but I didn't get it.

Then we went to this place where there were these big tents, like a big outdoor festival or something, and there were two large unattractive women holding hands and one of them asked me did I have a problem with them holding hands, and I was like, whatever, I don't even know you, and she just kind of laughed but before she could say anything this short guy in a tuxedo came up to me and started screaming that I was trying to break up him and his girlfriend.

He tried to punch me but I rolled out of the way, and then he tried to kick me but he was really slow so I grabbed his leg and knocked him over backwards. Two guys carried him off but left behind this big box that the guy had been carrying, so I ran after them.

I couldn't find them but I went into this bar. For some reason I remembered, in my dream, that it was a place where this really pretty Canadian girl hung out. But it was one of those things that you remember in dreams that isn't real either. Anyway I thought she was there and tried to speak to her but it wasn't her, it was someone else.

I went back to the big tent place and that whole family was there, and the younger daughter had told everyone that she was going to marry me. It was weird. Then I woke up.

June 29, 2002

Happy Days

In this dream I was watching Happy Days, and it was all about Joanie. Her best friend was being played by Maureen McCormick from The Brady Bunch. The first scene they were in Joanie's room and Marsha (whatever her name was) was trying to persuade Joanie to sneak out of the house. I remembered this episode as one of those where Joanie gets herself in trouble and then Richie and Fonzie have to get her out of it, but in real life this wasn't even an episode.

Then I was watching it from above on this high rock peak. I had a black hat on and the wind kept blowing it off, and I was telling my dad about what was going on in the episode. Below me there was a crossroads that kind of made a plus sign, and Joanie and Marsha were riding horses toward it, and what was going to happen was that they were going to set up camp in one of the corners, and there were three old country guys who had a camp set up and were going to come over and harrass them, but then Fonzie and Richie were supposed to come save them.

I started freaking out about how high up I was and so I climbed down.

Then Marsha went home. Joanie went looking for Chachi and there was scene where she was under these train tracks (like the el in Chicago) and it was all dark and she was calling for Chachi, and he showed up in these sweats with the sweat bands and all, looking all 70's like he did on the TV show even tho it was supposed to been set in the 50's. I thought that was a really stupid look for him. Then I was thinking that this wasn't how the episode was supposed to go, because it was all dark and dramatic. Then I woke up.

June 27, 2002

Law & Order Meets Bewitched

In this dream I was watching Law & Order, only instead of being McCoy, the prosecutor guy was Dick York from Bewitched (the first Darren, the one with the huge jaw). Only he was really young and I kept thinking that he was supposed to be dead. The trial or something was taking place on a subway platform of some kind. One of the witnesses was being played by the guy who played Larry Tate on Bewitched, and I thought Hey, that's Larry Tate! He was supposed to be this rich guy and he got into the big car that was riding on the subway rails. At this point I was no longer watching the show on TV, I was sitting on a bench in the subway. It was a real nice subway station, really clean and all. And then there were two more characters, and they were being played by Elizabeth Montgomery and the brunette who first played Louise (Larry Tate's wife). I started talking to Elizabeth Montgomery and telling her I really liked the show (Bewitched, not Law & Order), although I really never did.

The second part of this dream I was standing on the front porch of this girl's house and she was really upset because she had this agoraphobia where she never wanted to go out. But I persuaded her to go to Burger King with me. When we got there we were talking to this big old dumb country guy who I knew from school (in my dream I went to school, and I don't know this guy in real life). We tried to sit at a booth but they were too small for me to sit at, they were like made for children. So we went to stand in line for our food. She wanted onion rings, but the line was really long and it winded down by this huge salad bar. Then this short fat girl who I also knew (but just in my dream) came out to talk to us. The agoraphobic girl kept trying to hold my hand. Then I woke up.

June 24, 2002

Cretin Hop

Not much to tell about this dream. All I remember is this bar where everything was old-timey looking and big brass fixtures, even the phone. And they had this great big screen where you could get on the internet, with huge knobs and stuff. And in the background there was a band playing but all they knew how to play was the Ramones "Cretin Hop".

June 20, 2002

More Poker

This is really weird ok, but I had the same exact dream again about playing poker with the Brady kids. I have never had the same dream over again, at least not that I can ever remember. Anyway, this time I remembered more details like Jan was wearing, this kind of 70's looking crochet-thing that would be hideous by today's standards. And even back then, come to think of it. And I remember the hand that I beat Peter with was a straight flush, when all he had was 3 sixes.

June 16, 2002

Poker With The Brady Kids

Ok, in this dream I was playing poker with the kids from the Brady Bunch. Peter and Bobby were arguing, and Cindy wasn't there and I don't remember whether Jan was there or not, which is strange because I always thought Jan was the prettiest one. At least I did when I was a kid, I'm not a freak or anything. But I remember Cindy wasn't there because I made a joke about how maybe she was being played by someone else in this episode. Anyway, we were playing poker, 5 card draw, and I won a hand and Peter couldn't cover his bet so he gave me these sea monkeys. I put them in a jar and they grew really big. Really, really big, and came out of the jar and tried to bite me. Then I woke up.

May 20, 2002

Back To School Again

In this dream I was someone else, I don't know who, but I knew that I was someone else and not myself. I was walking down the hallway of this school, again. Why do I keep dreaming of school? Anyway, there was this big hallway with empty lockers that for some reason the school didn't use and it was full of homeless people who were all dirty and smelly and just laid out all over the place. Since I knew I was someone else, I was thinking that I was kind of like the guy on Quantum Leap. And then I actually saw this homeless mountain guy who was in an episode of Quantum Leap (he was the little cave guy in the bigfoot episode).

And then this guy rolled a huge joint as big as a cigar and smoked half of it and passed out in the hallway and some schoolkid picked it up and started smoking it.

The end.

May 19, 2002

A Strange Education

In this dream I was taking a class and it was in the backyard area of this school building and there was like 6 of us sitting at this picnic table with this instructor guy and we had to take turns making phone calls. We were supposed to call people and ask them a series of questions about public nudity. The first question on the sheet was something like "How do you feel about this law in Brazil that mandates public nudity?" or something like that.

I had this snuff that I put in my mouth (which was weird because I haven't used snuff in a number of years) and it made me really feel sick. Then it came my turn to call, and so I was spitting it out and it was making me sicker. I called my sister's house but my sister wasn't there. My neice answered the phone. She's like 24 years old or something, and was visiting from out of town. So I started asking her these questions about public nudity, and then the phone line cut us off.

We went around back of the school to check the phone line and it was broken and hanging loose in the top of this tree. I asked why there were no leaves on the tree because it was springtime. There was a gay fat Southern guy back there talking real loud about how he couldn't get the phone line down out of the tree.

It was totally weird.

May 5, 2002

Law & Orderses

OK, in this dream I was riding in a van with Lenny Briscoe from Law & Order. We were going to the apartment complex where he lived, and so did his daughter Kathy...which was kind of strange because on the show she was killed by drug dealers.

When we got there my mom was in the parking lot. I asked Lenny Briscoe to come over and meet my mom but he wouldn't. He just kept walking away. It was like he was making excuses but I knew he didn't want to meet her.

Then I went to work in the security department there. My boss was the head of security for the hotel where I work in real life. We were supposed to stake out an apartment and I was supposed to get the 6am - 2pm shift and it was like an hour's drive away. Since I work nights this would be a pain for me, so Lenny Briscoe offered to switch with me so I could have the 10pm - 6am shift. Which was cool. Except I had to take pictures on the stakeout and I was worried that the guy we were supposed to be watching would see the flash.

The End.

April 20, 2002

Submarine Wars

In this dream I was an older man, much older than I am now. I was asked to give an account of my experiences on submarines during World War I. I'm certain it was World War I and not World War II. My dream was told in kind of "flashback" where my own voice was narrating but I was experiencing what was being talked about at the same time. I and this other sailor dude were on the conning tower of this enormous submarine, much bigger than any that were actually used during World War I. We were sailing down this kind of deep river with huge trees on either side, and the branches arched above us and made it almost totally dark.

A big deal was made about calculating how deep the water was, because my ship was about to tow a big battleship into Richmond Harbor. Our calculations were off and a great tragedy was about to take place, and I knew it but no one would listen to me. They were calculating for a ship half above the waterline and half below it, and they weren't considering that it was a submarine that would be fully submerged. It was important that I remember it all because I was very old and it was historically significant.

The ship submerged while I and the other sailor dude were still on the top decks and we had to float free and we were kind of half-sucked into one of the old underwater tunnels that led into the harbor (even though that's where we wanted to be, and we were swimming that way anyway). The clothes we had to wear were very heavy, with these thick wool coats and little caps, and our sinuses filled with water that we kept coughing up, and I remember being very glad that I didn't smoke. We didn't know it but we were to be the only two who survived (I knew it because I was the old man telling the story).

We came ashore underneath an old stone bridge. The other guy asked me did I ever have to do this before and I said Yes, when I lived in Richmond I did once. We met this girl there on the banks of the river and she had on these old-timey WWI era clothes with the big skirts and the thing squeezing her, whatever you call it. It was a girl I went to High School with and I remember I never really liked her because she was kind of loud. Anyway, she was pulling these groundhogs out of the ground. But they weren't really groundhogs, they were like really fat, hairy hamsters with dark fur and really long teeth. They were really like almost spherical they were so fat, and their fur was so long you had to look really close to see their legs. Not that I was looking, because they were really disgusting.

Then I woke up.

(Note: I lived in Richmond for nine years and I know there's no harbor in Richmond, so no one email me about the geographical inaccuracies in my dream, please.)

April 17, 2002

My 5th Grade Teacher

In this dream I went to the house of my 5th grade homeroom teacher and her husband answered the door which is weird first of all because he's dead. I said to him "I thought you were dead" and he said "I came back" and shook my hand.

My teacher had a baby with her and she was just finished breastfeeding him. This was weird because she is probably over 60 and there is no way she would have another baby. But she was also very pale and white and like her hair was all white and slicked back.

Her husband asked me why was I naked, and for the first time I realized that I didn't have clothes on. It seemed like a natural thing to be naked, but I didn't know if they would understand so I just told them that I was a nudist. He kind of shrugged and was like "Whatever."

I picked up the baby and asked what his name was and she said Brantley Joseph. He was very thin and wore a blue jumper and lots of hair on his head. I noticed that the baby could talk. I mean he was only a few months old but he would repeat whatever I said. She said she gave him the middle name because she had a son named Joey who died several years ago.

Then her grown daughter came over. She has two and I forget which one it was, but I think it was the younger one (they were both total babes anyway). I showed her Brantley and asked her if she wanted to hold him.

She said "Him? Brantley is a girl!" This was really odd to me because I knew he was a boy. But I didn't want to argue, so I just said that sometimes it was hard to tell if a baby was a boy or a girl. Unless you were a nudist.

And then I woke up.

April 11, 2002

Dirty Hippy Guy

In this dream I was in a firehouse cooking supper for these firemen, and these dirty hippy kids came in the firehouse. There was like 10 or 12 of them and they were all loud and obnoxious and they wouldn't leave.

So then this one really tall guy came in and he smelled really bad and when I made them all leave, he left his backpack there in the firehouse and I hid it in this cabinet. So then he keeps coming back looking for it, but I felt like he was only leaving it there so he could keep coming back. So I lied and told him I didn't have it.

That's all I remember.

April 8, 2002

The Eagle-Men

Ok, this was really short, but let me tell you a real-life thing first:

When I was a kid one of my neighbors was raking his yard and a bat fell out of a tree and it was so weird-looking, it was laying on its back with its wings spread out kind of arching its back and making this shrieking noise. I don't think about it much but it did make an impression on me. ANYWAY.....

In this dream, I was standing in this neighbor's yard and this thing fell out of the tree that looked like a bird only it had no feathers. I mean, it was all pink and its skin was thin and stretched out and it had teeth like a bat and a face like a person. A really really scared person. It was all strange.

So me and my friends were kind of just looking at it and poking it with sticks and all, and someone mentioned that there was a book written in the 70s about the Apocalypse and how the end of the world would start with the appearance of these eagle-men, and how this might just be an eagle-man.

So I decided to go ask the mother of a friend of mine who lived up the street. They were like WAY Pentecostal and into all this end-of-the-world stuff. So, my friend Andy was there, only his mom always called him Jason. And I tried asking her about the eagle-man but then Andy started doing this little dance and saying "Mommy, put my tie on me!" and she was like "Jason, that's a clip-on, you can put it on yourself!" and he just kept on doing it. He would shuffle his feet and dance and go "Mommy, put my tie on me!" and when she ignored him he took his belt off and started saying "Mommy, put my belt on me!" (the weirdest thing is that in my dream we weren't kids, we were grown like we are in real life, and he was still doing this).

It was weird.

April 7, 2002

A Double Bill:
"Drunk On The Job" and "Mystery Girl"

In this dream I was at work and I was drunk. Really drunk. I don't know why I was drunk at work, I don't think that when I started getting drunk I realized I was at work or something like that, but I was totally paranoid that someone was going to find out. And it was very obvious because I couldn't walk a straight line.

Anyway, I was in the hotel lounge watching Law & Order like I usually do. I don't remember what episode it was but I went back to the office and the General Manager was there. He started asking me a lot of questions about how everything was going at work and about the business and if I was ready to move up or take a promotion. Then he found the bottle of whiskey I'd been drinking, which was double-weird because I don't even drink whiskey. He was really mad that everything was a mess but didn't seem to care that I was drunk. The really weird thing is that it wasn't even my General Manager; it was this jerk-o crooked GM that I used to work for a long time ago at another hotel and couldn't stand. I asked him why he was there because suddenly I couldn't remember having called him, and I was kind of panicky not because he caught me drunk or anything, but because I couldn't remember calling him. And he told me I never had called him.

Now, I kind of woke up here and didn't really get up or anything, but just laid there thinking about it and then went back to sleep and I had another dream.

My next dream I was getting into bed and I saw this girl walking by through my backyard. She was like 20 or 21 with boots and white jeans and a dark pink blouse on. She had shoulder-length blonde hair and red lipstick on, and she was walking kind of fast so I didn't get a really good look at her. I yelled something at her, just something like "Hey, you!" or something like that, and she just kept on going. There was a big Latino family in the yard behind me and they started yelling for her to stop. I didn't want that, though, like a big confrontation, I just wanted her not to tromp through my backyard.

Here's what's weird so far: In this dream, I was going to bed at night, which I don't do in real life; I sleep during the day. In my dream I could see out my window from my bed, which I can't do in real life because its on the other side of the room. And finallym there is no big Latino family living behind me in any of the houses on that side.

OK, so I put on my pants and went downstairs and my entire family was at the door. Parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins. There was one kid there who is my cousin's kid, and in real life he'll be 15 next month and I literally haven't seen him since he was one day old. I asked him did he remember me and he said yes, that he remembered me and his Uncle Billy chugging what was left of the champagne when he came home from the hospital.

There must have been like 100 people there and it was like 1:00 am. I tried to get them all to leave but suddenly it was like a high school kegger at my house and all these people were coming in who I didn't even know and had never met.

The strangest thing about these two dreams is that I was only kind of half-asleep when I had them, and both times I thought they were really happening, especially the second one. And even aftare I woke up, I still thought they had happened, but just a long time ago.

April 6, 2002

The Bulls

I was in the front yard of a big house. It was really muddy and there were boards laid all over the ground to walk on. My own two kids were there and so were my sister-in-law's two kids. Lauren Graham was there taking pictures. My mother-in-law came to pick up the kids in a big blue van, and I went into the back yard where there was a tennis match going on at the bottom of a big hill.

Actually there were three things. One was the tennis match. I couldn't see it because it was behind these huge stands. Next to that there was a small grazing area for these cows and pigs and dogs and farm animals, about 8 of them, but mostly cows. And then there was an open area with a huge pot full of vegetables that these teenagers were cooking. There were four boys and four girls, they were from Spain and had long hair and were all dressed in white. And the vegetables they were cooking had a long name like Pico de Orroreo or something, all I remember is the long word that started with an O.

I went down to see the tennis match but I got chased by a bull. I wound up in a tree, and I heard the Spanish girls talking about ordering these cookbooks that cost $10.00 each, but only one of them had $10.00 and I felt bad for them. I wanted to give them my $10.00 but I was afraid that the other two would feel really bad that I didn't have enough money for them. When I tried to go around them to get to the tennis match, I accidentally knocked over the big pot. One of the boys said "Hey! You ruined our Pico de Orroreo!" I didn't know what to say so I kept on going. But I still thought there was some stuff left in the pot that they could eat.

In the place where the cows were, I noticed there was some deer and a big moose. For some reason I was thinking the moose looked like it was part cow, and I wanted to show my five-year-old son the moose-cow next time I saw him. Then I noticed it wasn't a moose at all, but a big tree that had grown in the shape of a moose. Then the bull charged me again.

I tried to climb up under the bleachers to get away. There were two little Latino girls there, like 7 or 8 years old and one of them said she could help me because the bull would listen to her. They both had long dark hair and beautiful dark eyes, and they seemed very wise and intelligent for being children. Then they started giggling and ran away. I was standing on the cement things under the bleachers and the bull stuck its head underneath. It wasn't even ugly like a real bull would be; it was all smooth and sleek, but it still smelled really bad.

I never did make it back up the hill. Someone brought me a juice box with Orange Juice, and then some security people from where I work brought me something; it was either a Cup 'O Soup or a can of V-8, and they were complaining that I shouldn't get special privileges.

This is all I remember.

April 3, 2002

My Boz Scaggs Thanksgiving With Max

In this dream I was in a big house and had to lock it all up before I left. I was drawing all the blinds and locking all the doors and making sure it was all closed up tightly. It was also very dark.

When I got to the basement there was a huge freezer full of meat. My older brother was there and he told me that when I dream about meat it means prosperity (Note: This is just exactly what the psyche major told me about my meat dream on December 23, 2001). This was in the basement of the house we grew up in, and we took out some old LPs to play them and transfer them to CD. I remember one was the Rolling Stones and there were two extended remixes of What Can I Say and It's Over by Boz Scaggs.

Note: Both these songs were from the 1976 release Silk Degrees, which was the totally greatest album ever. Maybe not ever but it's definitely in the top 5. Here is a picture of the cover. Buy it now at AMAZON.com! And also here's some trivia about Boz Scaggs: He went to high school with Steve Miller and was the original bass player in the Steve Miller Band. I don't think he appears on any of their recordings, though, because I think he left the band before they got famous. ANYWAY....back to my dream....

We must have left or gone somewhere else, because the next thing I know it's this big dinner with my family, I mean like a big Thanksgiving thing. Everyone in my family was there plus a bunch of folks I don't know. I was the same age I am now, but like physically I was younger. All my neices and nephews, and my own kids, were there, but they were all older like teenagers, even the ones who are in real life 4 and 5 and 7 and 10.

I came to the dinner with this petite blonde girl but we acted like we didn't know each other but we really did. My family all thought she was an old friend of mine named "Max". I just let them all think that.

My sister's friends Lynn and Scott were there. They are old friends of the family. (Some background: Lynn is friends with my oldest sister and when I was seven or eight her family moved to Chicago and Lynn stayed with us for a year. She married Scott some years later. I don't really know Scott all that well, and have only talked to Lynn a few times in the past like 15 years, but here they were in my Thanksgiving dream). As Scott was leaving he asked me about Max's "secret". I walked outside with him to see if he really did know it (that the girl with me was not Max even though I let everyone think she was).

It turned out he did really know it. He said I had told him when he and I were drinking rum and Coke. I did remember drinking with him but not telling him.

As I was walking with Scott to the car (Lynn was already in the car), there was this big white dog that came over and started sniffing me all over. He was enormous, like his head was on my chest level. He was actually tickling me, but then he ran away and there was this boxwood by this mailbox down the road and the dog flushed these birds out. They were like seagulls but they were also enormous and flapped by right over our heads.

When I went back inside, my mom and my grandmom and "Max" were doing needlepoint or something at a table in the other room. They were showing Max the best way to do whatever it was they were doing. I came over to watch.

Another white dog came over and started sniffing me, and he smelled the other dog on me and started growling. It was a strange sounding growl, kind of like a cat purring but really loud. This dog was not near as big as the one outside.

My grandmother thought it was really funny, and then the dog took a bite out of her leg. It didn't seem to bother her, though, which I found odd, and then she even laughed about it and asked me did I get enough rice with dinner. The rice was this kind of long-grain wild rice thing, and it was strange that she should ask about it.

As always, anyone with a psychology background feel free to email me your interpretations.

March 30, 2002

I dreamed a song it went

Run to the Water, run to the Light,

Run to the (Something) that know you by sight

That's all I remember

February 27, 2002

Gilmore Girl

I was some kind of youth counselor or something working with these guys who all seemed to have much more experience at it than I did, and we all went to a Chick-Fil-A to have supper and watch a prize fight on TV. The Chick-Fil-A was closed but we were allowed in.

I sat at a long table with Willow (Allison Hannigan from Buffy The Vampire Slayer). She hadn't shaved her legs in a long time, but whatever. She was flirting with a guy at the other end of the table, so I invited him to join us. She got all mad and said that he was too popular to sit with us. I told her that I just didn't think that way. She told me that even when I was in high school, I was probably like a geek, except that I probably didn't care what folks thought about me. That was probably accurate.

I left the Chick-Fil-A with a scrawny kid with glasses, and we went to a bank and sat on a bench. Lorelai Gilmore came in. She had longer hair than she does on TV and she had these cute little glasses on. She went up to the counter and asked about some account information to track an email address on Christopher because he owed her back child support. The woman at the counter was very sarcastic to her.

Two lesbians came in the bank wearing these long cotton dresses and their hair all pulled back. Lorelai said hi to them.

As we sat there, a tall red-headed guy came in the bank and started talking to us. He was concerned about Lorelai. While we sat there, we heard from around the corner that Christopher had come into the bank with a piece of artwork that he said was a Degas to use as collateral for a loan. It was a life-size statue of a guy in rumpled clothing leaning against the wall with one hand in front of him, and it was a dull bronze color. From one window in a long hallway there in the bank, the sunlight made all the people look like they were really this dull bronze color, so me and the redheaded guy and the scrawny kid moved the statue to the corner there, and then called security and told them that the statue was a homeless guy peeing in the corner. Security arrested the statue. And then my boss at work (who is a really pretty Indian woman) came by and wrote something on the wall about how on this spot a homeless statue was arrested for peeing in the corner.

Lorelai got really mad at us and chased us outside. It was getting dark and we all had these little red wagons to pull. Someone told me that federal agents had arrested the scrawny kid with glasses. It was very dark by now and when I looked over at the redheaded guy I saw that it was Christopher. In the darkness we saw someome in a bright red shirt, and it turned out that it was my three-year-old son. Christopher offered to take him in his wagon, but I said no and I took him in mine. Then I woke up.

February 25, 2002

Naked Student of The Year

Disclaimer: The following dream contains a description of me having one of those naked-in-public dreams. If you are under 18, please stop reading

NOW!!!

OK, this is weird because I was just writing about high school and then I had this dream that I was back in high school.

I was in high school and some of the folks that I really went to high school with were there, except the building I was in was exactly like the place where I went to grade school. I had to take a shower at the end of a long hallway and for some reason it seemed perfectly acceptable and reasonable to walk down the hallway naked. I'm not sure about the logistics of it all, I mean, like, where I was staying and why my clothes weren't there? But for some reason my clothes were way down the other end of the hallway and through a little breezeway thing in another building. I ran all the way down the hallway holding a book or something in front of my goods. I had to duck in a classroom because someone was coming. The room I went into was brightly lit and my name was on the chalkboard because I had been nominated for some kind of Student of the Year or something, only it was something Latin like Stuma Lauda or something.

There was a girl who had won the year before and she always annoyed me. She was tall and obnoxious and a lot of my friends thought she was pretty but I never did. In my dream, I remember her being all sarcastic about it and saying it was a stupid award and she could care less, and I dreaded having to accept the award. Then I woke up.

February 21, 2002

Sky-Diving With That Leonard Kid

In my dream there was this bar and I was working there or training or something with the bartender, and the bartender kept sending me downstairs for stuff. I thought it was odd and I kept protesting and saying that I should be at the bar. Finally I was doing something downstairs and just left it to go upstairs back to the bar. The bartender was gone and all the customers had these great big bottles of gin on their tables that they had stolen from behind the bar. This was very upsetting to me but there was nothing I could do about it.

From there I went sky-diving which was also weird. There was an older guy and a younger woman on the ground and when they talked to us we could hear them. Me and another guy were skydiving but we were kind of floating in the air like 50 feet or so off the ground with our parachutes on, and just having normal conversation with each other and with the two people on the ground. The other guy skydiving with me was somebody famous like Brad Pitt or that Leonard kid that everyone likes so much. Anyway, we were falling but it was so slow, it was like a time warp or something. From the 50 feet up in the air it took us like an hour to fall to the ground.

The thing is we had to pull our cords before we hit the ground, otherwise we'd impact just like we jumped out of a plane and hit at normal speed. And to pull the cords we had to know the passwords, and neither of us knew our passwords. Finally I guessed mine and eventually I guessed his too, but then I forgot it. So what we did was we linked hands and spun each other around and around and then let him go, kind of flinging him way up in the air over some trees. My password was "Intrepid" which I don't know the meaning of but it was the name of a Vulcan ship in Star Trek.

The old guy on the ground told me that what I had done (by spinning that other guy around and throwing him over the trees where we lost touch with him) was just like something Jesus would do. Then I woke up.

Back To The...Buckaroo...um, Wild Wild West...

OK, my next dream was a little bit weird.

It started off with Doc Brown and Marty McFly from Back To The Future going back to the Old West like they did in Back To The Future III. They were chasing a bad guy. The bad guy was John Bigbooty, the alien from the 8th dimension played by John Lithgow in Buckaroo Banzaii.

Now when they got back to the Old West they went to the saloon and sat down. John Bigbooty was in the back room of the saloon. When he came out front, Doc Brown and Marty McFly were on the other side of the saloon. Sitting at a table near to the back where John Bigbooty was standing was Dick Solomon and Mary Albright from Third Rock From The Sun. It wasn't clear how they'd gotten back in time. They were sitting and drinking.

Keep in mind that John Bigbooty and Dick Solomon were both played by John Lithgow so they looked exactly the same. John Bigbooty waited til Dick Solomon got up and then he somehow tricked Mary Albright into leaving with him because she thought he was really Dick Solomon. Dick Solomon got back and went into a panic. This was a scary part of my dream. It's kind of like when a show that's normally funny tries to do something freaky to creep you out, only in my dream it actually worked because it was kind of scary.

John Bigbooty took Mary Albright outside and stole Doc Brown's time machine (the one made out of a DeLorean). Dick Solomon got Doc Brown and Marty McFly to help him try to rescue Mary Albright, and now they had added incentive because they had to find their time machine that John Bigbooty had stolen. They were all kind of in a panic and Marty McFly was cussing and carrying on. They all got into their old-timey cowboy clothes and were riding horses and all that trying to think up what to do next. They met up with Jim West and Artemus Gordon from The Wild Wild West (it was the modern remake with Will Smith and Kevin Kline). Artemus Gordon promised to try to help them build a new time machine.

Someone (I don't remember who) pointed out that John Bigbooty was not from the future, he was from the 8th dimension. This upset everyone. Then I woke up.

I was not in this dream as a participant and only dreamed it as a neutral third party observer. The only time I saw anything from a character's point of view was when John Bigbooty came out of the back of the saloon and looked around. This part of the dream was very vivid. I can still see the whole room and how it was laid out and who was sitting where.

Another thing is the part where Dick Solomon first noticed that Mary Albright was missing, and I said that it was like a sitcom trying to freak you all out...well, in my dream I was actually thinking that; it wasn't just something I am using here to describe it. And here's another thing that I thought at that point, which I didn't want to add there because it might have been too confusing:

There was an episode of I Dream Of Jeannie where a guy called the Blue Djinn (kind of a male Jeannie I guess) tries to kill Major Nelson, and he's swinging this huge curved scimitar at him but before it can connect Jeannie turns it into a bunch of baloons. The thing is that when he's swinging it they go to commercial (they may even do a "To be continued..." kind of thing, I don't remember). But when I was little that scared the crap out of me. It takes a long time to tell it but all it was was this image of a big guy in a blue turban swinging a huge sword right at my head. That used to give me nightmares. It has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of my dream, but I thought about it because it was one time when a sitcom actually freaked me out, and it was kind of like the blind panic in Dick Solomon's eyes as he cried out "MAAAAARY......". It's all really stupid to talk about now but in my dream it was scary and haunting.

These are my two dreams from Tuesday and Wednesday. I don't have any idea what they mean, except that maybe I watch too much TV. But as always, anyone with any psychology background, feel free to email me any interpretations.

Update Number One: The Blue Djinn

I did a search on Google for The Blue Djinn and found a website for a guy who calls himself the Blue Djinn and makes custom replicas of Jeannie's bottle. You can order one if you are a bajillionaire, too. He was very nice and responded to my request for a picture of the (TV version of) the Blue Djinn. It turns out the Blue Djinn was played by Barbara Eden's husband at the time, Michael Ansara. Not at all scary in this picture, is he? Well, I was like 4 at the time. Shut up. Anyway, you can look at this picture and link to this guy's web site by clicking on it. It's actually very well done.

Update Number Two: John Bigbooty

Ok, it's been brought to my attention that the character John Lithgow played in The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai was not named John Bigbooty. In an odd bit of six-degrees-of-weirdass-dreams, John Bigbooty was the name of the character played by Christopher Lloyd (who, for those of you who don't know, played Doc Brown in the Back To The Future movies). I thought there was a picture of him somewhere in all his 8th-Dimension-Lizard makeup but I couldn't find it, so here is a thumnbnail of the "human" John Bigbooty.

February 15, 2001

Little House On The Prairie

I had another dream today.

I was a guy wearing a hat. It was like a flat, wide-brimmed hat. It must have been a long long time ago because everyone was wearing all these weird clothes. I went into this shop that was like the Oleson's Mercantile from "Little House On The Prairie".

There was a blonde girl in there who was like in her early 20s who wanted to marry me. I thought I was too old for her but she told me she'd had a fiance before who was 52. Her dowry was a great big jar of red hots. You know, the little cinnamon candy that burns your mouth? I hate those things.

I married her anyway and we went to this big field and all the women were pulling up weeds and the men were standing around talking about the drought. The little blonde girl I married said that in the olden days the men would have left to go find water and bring it back.

For some reason this was a big MOMENT and everyone got all excited and started getting ready to go. It was like one of those old musicals where everyone is getting all excited about putting on a show and someone really perky says "...and it'll be the best show EVER!" So everyone is starting getting ready to go, and all the men started going up this path on the side of a hill, when I noticed this cave thing dug out in the side of the hill with bars on the front of it. I shook the bars and all these big clumps of worms started falling out. It turns out that the cave was full of these worms, giant earthworms, thousands of them. And we found that if we just took the worms and put them in the fields, we could make due without water until the next rain came. At least that's what we were thinking.

And then I woke up.

December 23, 2001

World War In Miniature

This is a really strange dream I had that I think may actually be two dreams, the first of which is about pigs and is actually kind of gross, so skip the first paragraph if you don't want to read it. And if this is your first time visiting my site, please skip this page entirely and just come back to it later. And anyone who is into psychology, please email me any interpretations you think might apply.

The dream started out and these guys were filming a movie about the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I guess I was an extra in the movie or something. We were filming in this place that was just all covered in mud, and there were pigs living there. Great big pigs, as big as cows. It was the most disgusting thing ever, everything was covered with mud and pig crap and it smelled horrible and this guy was running around with a chainsaw. Whenever you complained about it, the movie guys would tell you that it wasn't real and they would smear it all over you. It was so disgusting. And then there was like this snack bar and the food had the mud all over it and these high school kids were being told they had to eat it while the chainsaw guy came up to them. I felt sick and I had to leave.

My dream changed to a camp setting. It was all these cabins way up on top of these cliffs covered with plants and ivy. You could dive off the cliffs into the water below, and every day there were these hot air balloons that would do these shows, and then a guy came along and he was really weird looking, really tall and thin and had on this old-timey suit with a string tie. And he said that he was going to teach us all to fly.

No one really believed we could fly at first. Some folks started going for balloon rides. Most of my friends were there, and two of my brothers. Eventually a few of us started flying alongside the hot air balloons, and I started getting really good at flying. Better than everyone. I could do flips and everything, I could fly higher and faster than everyone. I would run up to the edge of the cliffs and dive off and just go flying. My friend's wife was also very good at flying but she flew somewhere else than me.

I was showing my friend Jorge one day how to fly and he was learning pretty quickly. We were flying low about 20 feet off the ground, and up ahead was a lake and there were some scattered trees too. The lake was shallow and it was like swampy ground that extended into a deeper area where folks were boating and swimming. And then we saw coming towards us hundreds and hundreds of tiny radio-controlled Japanese fighter jets. They were all armed with bombs or something and were shooting at us. We veered off to the left, we were so scared, and had to go get help.

To our left was another part of the lake, this one deeper with a landing. We saw in the distance there was a house we recognized, a Rectory where all these Catholic Priests live. But at the landing was an amphibious assault team of South Africans all dressed in black, and they were coming ashore.

We met Jorge's brothers in the Rectory and had supper there. We had plantains and black beans, because Jorge and his brothers are Cuban. But there was also this weird-looking meat with these strangely-shaped bones and I kept asking them what part of the animal had it come from. The bone was very long and had this round saucer-shaped thing on the end. They laughed at me when I asked them that and said that only I would ask that question. We got to talking and decided that when the Japanese and South Africans came for us, we would tell them we were Catholic Priests. Jorge's older brother pointed to a poem that was framed and hanging on the wall and told me that the guy who wrote that poem had once stayed in the rectory.

It was dark and we drove away to find people to see what was going on. Jorge's younger brother seemed to know everyone in the neighborhood, because he kept going up to houses and just walking in like he lived there. But no one was home and we were all really scared.

Then, here's the weird part. I woke up, in my dream, but I was still dreaming, and I was telling Jorge's older brother all about the dream I had just had. And he told me that he had the same exact dream, but all he said was that if we were really at war with Japan and South Africa, then we wouldn't be having these dreams.

From The Mailbag (January 23):

Hey! I love your site. I have visited a few times and I think it is funny and way too true. You should write a book or something!

But anyway I was catching up on your postings and I noticed the dream you had. You said you would welcome any interpretations. Well im a psych major an I love doin' this stuff, so here it goes. This by the way is entirely just a guess, and is in no way meant as an offence.

The first part of your dream..

Filming movie as an extra= Something important in your life that is big ang bugging you, an issue or problem of some sort maybe that needs to be dealt with. (Christmas heh heh)

The mud and stink= that issue could be shady and hidden, maybe emotional or even a physical prop.

grossing you out= means you on some level dont want to deal with it but you know its there and people around you do as well and possibly are trying to get you to accept it, or open up about it.

the cabin= a vacation or escape

flying=you wanting to get away

your friends= you want to hang out and relax, worry free

you being better at flying= You wanting to suceed at something that is a major issue in your life at the moment, possibly the same issue that is shady and or unknown...like the mud

wife flying off somewhere= If your wife was extreamly noticable in this part it could mean that she is a part of the issue or needs to be involved to help you through it.

her flying away = you feel like there is distance between you when the issue comes up, possibly a consequence of held back emotions?

((NOTE FROM ME: It wasn't my wife, it was my friend's wife, who I like ok and all but am not all that close to...at least not enough to be dreaming about her!))

teaching friend to fly, the attack of the japanese= you have a disire to help others that are close to you but things tend to go south (the attack) when you try.

the lake, south africans= the want for a vacation but the conscience sugestion that the issue/problem is not ecsapable and would make a vacation pointless., or even that you just want rest but cant get it because of this problem.

strange meat= Could mean that you are unsure about what is going on around you or in something you are involved in. Insecurities about money or buisness deals, even family. Meat and eating meat is a symbol of prosperity. Strange meat could mean that you are unsure about future prosperity. Maybe your job is in question or changes in living situation... something like that. Also friends laughing at your questioning could mean that you see them not having the same feelings/doubts about that area of their life.

telling africans you are priests= A want/need to hide the problem/issue thing.

It being dark, going to houses and scared= This could be you knowing it is hidden but unsure what might "give you away" or what direction that might come from, or exactly how you should deal with it.

Waking up and telling dream to friend= could mean you want to identify with people close to you, grasping to something farmilliar and safe.

But anyway that is what I got on my first impression. Its just an opinion and I am prolly way off. But hey that was fun hehehe. I hope I didnt make you mad er annoyed or anything, cuz sometimes when I do this it makes people mad and thats not what I mean to do at all. ok shuting up now before I finish making an ass of myself!

Your Fan,
Jay

Wow! Ok, so basically, you think I have problems, huh? That's cool. I know I do!!! Thanks for the free interpretation, Jay. Check out my other dreams and see if I'm as screwed up as all that.

November 18, 2001

My Dinner With The Vice-President

Ok, here's a really weird dream I just had.

Disclaimer: This segment contains descriptions of me in my underwear.

Ok, so in my dream my family (I mean my mom and dad, not my wife and kids) had a small summer house and my sister was having these people come visit and they all wanted to talk to me, but I was in my underwear, and I was like, get lost, freaks, I'm in my underwear. I put some pants on and went outside to get away from them all. There was this brick wall there in the yard and part of it was disconnected from the rest of the wall, and my sister said that they were moving that wall because it belonged to the Vice-President.

So I picked it up and knocked on the door. There was this guy there and he wouldn't let me in because of "Security". I understand security, but this guy was a jerk.

Then the Vice-President came home. It wasn't Dick Cheney, though, in my dream it was a woman, and she had three college-age daughters, and the oldest one was married. I was hanging out with the husband. They also had a Saint Bernard. They were all really, really nice to me, and invited me to dinner.

I asked what they wanted done with the big brick wall but they said just leave it. We went into the guest house for supper. The guest house was just like a regular ranch-style summer house except it was only four feet tall. I had to crawl inside. We all sat a tiny table (obviously no chairs) and I joked that it felt like I was in "Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory".

They served this cold tomato soup with all kinds of vegetables in it, very crunchy. And it had these great big walnut-looking things in it and they were wrapped in gold foil. You had to unwrap them with your spoon to eat them, and this was just as difficult as it sounds. Plus, you had to be quick, or the Saint Bernard would get them right out of your bowl. For some reason everyone was ok with this.

Everyone was so nice to me. They laughed at all my jokes and complimented me and made me feel like I belonged there. When I woke up it all seemed so wonderful and peaceful, you know how sometimes dreams are when, no matter how bizarre they may seem to talk about, everything seemed natural and wonderful while you were dreaming it. I also felt kind of sad because it was over. I sure don't miss that dog, though.

I need to go back to sleep.

Here's a really weird footnote for this dream: I had gone two days with hardly any sleep at all, then I fell asleep on Sunday, and I woke up in the middle of the day, wrote all this down about the dream, and fell back to sleep. I don't even remember having the dream or writing it down.

October 1, 2001

Yesterday I had a dream that I went to Cape May where my Aunt and Uncle have a place on the beach. My Aunt and Uncle were there and so was my cousin and some of her friends. I was visiting up there with a guy I went to High School with and two other guys I don't know. They both talked really loud and one of them looked like Oliver Platt.

These guys were really rude and mean and one of them liked my cousin, but she didn't like him. He asked her out and she made up some excuse. The guy didn't believe her but was tactful enough not to call her a liar in front of me. He said that girls in the South would never have made up excuses like that, which is so totally not true because not only do women do that everywhere you go, but men do, too. I pointed this out to him.

The first day we went to the boardwalk and when we got back to my Aunt's place I noticed a tire swing and a big bird cage in her front yard. It was actually more like a pen with dozens of little parakeets in it, which is weird first of all, to be in the yard, right? But also because it's nothing like my Aunt's place at all.

The four of us guys had to sleep in one room and one of the Oliver Platt guys had to sleep on the floor. The other one kept eating tacos in bed.

So, anyway, here's the weird part:

That first day was like a regular day, and then we all went to bed and we woke up and the next day was a regular day too, but then when we woke up from the second day I realized that the second day hadn't really happened and it was all just a dream I'd been having. A dream in my dream, pretty weird. So then the REAL second day only lasted like twenty minutes and then it was time to go to bed again, but I wasn't tired so I went to the beach to walk the dog. Which is also weird because up to that point there was no dog in my dream.

When I got back from the beach all the birds in the bird cage were going crazy and screaming. Screaming, I mean, like people, which really, really scared me.

Then I woke up. It was 6:23 pm according to the clock in my room. But that clock is six minutes fast. I wonder if that means anything?

August 21, 2001

I had a dream that there was like this Quantum Particle Accelerator Something and it was in an observatory and what it did was take these random molecules of dust or whatever and shoot them into space and then track them using sophisticated equipment and complex progressive algorithms. It was a technological marvel.

So my friends and I decided to see what would happen if we put a pencil in it. It was cool. It shot up into space and landed in the desert like Australia or something and made this big mushroom cloud. And then we tried a marble and an eraser and a full can of beer. The marble just left the earth's orbit but everything else was hitting all over. Then we were trying to figure out a way to put this big recliner in it, but I woke up.