The entire concept of the show is that crimes are committed and these people use science to solve them. It's not a new concept: Back in the 70's and 80's, Jack Klugman starred in a show called Quincy, M.E. that basically was the same thing.

 

Quiincy was a Medical Examiner and he solved crimes with his friend, Sam (and, in a bit of surprise casting, Sam was a brilliant technician who was also Asian. No one expected that). I used to go out with a forensic pathologist who once told me that the work Sam did in minutes would in real life have taken a whole building full of people weeks to do. I think Quincy actually carried a gun and went around screaming things like "Freeze! Coroner!" It was just that realistic. Of course, I was 12 at the time.

 

CSI is just the same, only magnified by about 100 times. On CSI, there is no need for cops (even though there is a character who is a cop; he never seems to leave the office). There's no need for prosecutors or judges. Because the CSI techies gather evidence, analyze fibers and fingerprints, and all the things you would expect CSI techies to do....but they also carry guns, interrogate suspects, offer legal advice, testify in court, and for all I know they patrol the streets at night in Batmobiles.

 

And the thing is, I know that this happens. It happens in every episode, it's the basis of the entire show, every script, practically every scene includes tech people doing things that in real life they wouldn't ever do. And I still yell at the screen, "O, right! Sure!"

 

I don't know why it bugs me so much, but at this point I am thinking it's as much my own issues as it is this show. Because this show and all the spin-offs will probably be on TV for the rest of time, or at least until I'm dead.

 

I hate Grissom. I hate the way he talks and the way he looks. I hate his beard. If he was real and if I met him, I'm certain I would hate the way he smells.

 

Except for Batman and Mr. Miyagi on The Karate Kid, I hate characters who know everything. This includes Yoda, the woman on Murder, She Wrote, all the adult characters on Sesame Street and Grissom.

 

Grissom is a better detective than Batman and a better lawyer than Perry Mason. Grissom instinctively knows who's lying and who's not. Grissom has read every book ever published, every scientific journal and report, and has total, instant recall of everything he's ever seen or heard. Women love him. He has this zen-like calm and never loses his temper or raises his voice. He can get a confession from a perp just by looking at him.

 

If I didn't think he could kill me just by wishing it, I would so much want to kick his ass.

 

On CSI, Science is God. Any question can be answered by science. Science is always clear, irrefutable, and leads to one clear and irrefutable conclusion. Science is never questioned, except by slimy defense attorneys who want to get their (always guilty) clients off. There's never any error.

 

 

When someone explains what they think may have happened, how someone was shot or stabbed or whatever, they always show this close-up, interior view of someone's skull being pierced by the bullet, like it's this tiny little bullet-cam. And it always includes these gross, cracking and squishing sounds as it travels through the skull and brain. It's just so stupid, and unnecessary.

 

I know that there is a certain class of people who actually like this. I know that there are people out there who enjoy the sound of bone cracking and flesh rending. Most of them are dissociative and insane, or else they're serial killers or well on their way to becoming one. I don't know what kind of demographic the producers are aiming for, but that seems like a limited market.

 

You know you do. Everyone does. And whatever your fetish is, it will kill you. And you'll die horribly and in an embarrassing position, and everyone else who has your fetish will try to cover it up and lie about it. But science will find you out.

 

 

Well, I don't watch the show enough to have picked up on that, I guess, but it sounds a lot like the wisecracks Lenny used to make on the original Law & Order, except that those were usually a bit more clever. Thanks for the email, Jon, and my other readers, take note: This is a great email! It adds something to the subject, and doesn't just tell me how right I am. Not that I don't like hearing that, just that I already know.